As I grew older though I had Boyfriends yes and that's actually what they were to me boys that were friends, though I let them touch me I could never touch them back. This went on for years and all during this time any chance I could get I'd try to show love to girls though never touch no for I was too shy and their were too beautiful even the Idea of being notice by a girl almost make me faint (I'm sorry but am a very sappy person!!!!!). So I left things for them in their pockets like poems, or songs I'd write and leave in their bags. Of course I made sure no knew it was me and that It did not say that It was a girl that was admiring them anyway I never really would write of how much I loved them but of how much their prescience contributed to the world. I ecspecially tried to emphasis how valuable they are for I don't know about the rest of the world but the reality is in Australia women are treated like shit, I my heart I knew this not to be true so though no one else knew I set out to change all this......
My first real crush on a girl happened at 14yrs old now beening the extreme person that I am there was no way I could hold back or restrain myself ... she kind of different from most 14yr olds all she thought of was art and satanism so became my interest all I thought was her I using cigarette butts engraved her initails in my right forearm (the scarrs are still thier after 5yrs - I hope I'm not disguising anyone believe me I've changed alot since those days!) I wrote her a book of peoms and songs. But when she told me she like me I got really scared and when she tried to touch me I well... I froze up!!!!!!!
As time went by I must have gone through every trend headbanger, hippy, homeless hari charna, gothic, punk till finally I found what seems like true happiness for me a RAVER for I love dancing and beening childish and because I used to have no respect for my body many times I let people touch me for money, drugs, sex, cloths, you could say I had many sugar dads (mums).
16 and wanting someone to love me (not actually wanting any more people to touch me!) for I moved out at 14yrs just wondering if any one will be my parent will anyone hold me and love me unconditionally, for this hole inside needs to be filled so help I'd do anything to fill it, unfortunately it didn't matter whether it was good or bad. At 16 I was living with 4 gay guys that were overprotective of me worried that people might abuse me, cause of my age so they took me to gay clubs up on OXFORD st. They never let any women hit on me. Then came the relationship that I'll never forget, the reason I guess It was so great is cause I never saw it coming it was a surprise for I never thought of any girl in a sexual way only holding hands or hugging each other (though I'd let women do what they want to me except touch me in the crotch for MONEY!!!) But one of the fabulous things about raves are that the women are hot.
Anyway back to trying to share my relationship with (I guess I should give her a false name) ROBIN, for she looked like SADE and all the guys were always after her but the reason I came to know her was that she told me she had falling in love with a gay guy (ROBIN was a catholic when I meet her she went to a private school and had lots of MONEY!!!!, as a sometimes homeless kid I couldn't understand why she was giving me the time of day) It started out just seeing each other at night clubs (I used to dance every night but she didn't) then I asked her to a movie. At the time I only thought her as a friend for I could never possibly imagine she would ever by interested in me as you can see I have little self esteem, she started to pay for me where ever we went buying things such as drugs and of course lollipops, clothes. But the greatest thing was that she had a car so sometimes we went driving through the wilderness (kind of like bush walking only in a car!!!!).
Then I started thinking about her a lot I respected her she was like noone I'd ever met in my life (most of my friend are very high on drugs most nights I used to have to spend just stopping them from killing themselves or scratching off their foreheads). I like dancing with her and feeling her close to me she always complimented me and find ways to boost my confidence she always made me feel good about myself (which is not something I usually feel though I'm the one of the world's most happiest people I never could value myself or see good in me but not to worry this is changing! ) One night we were out at a club (usually!!) when she asked if I'd come stay at her freinds house with her. Of course I went still didn't think she was at all intersted in me even though my friends thought she did when we got there her friend was fast asleep but there was only one bed so all three of us were in it. The view from the bed was great cause they had a skyline window and I could see the stars so clearly thousands of them and as dense as I am even though she started putting her hands of my stomach I just thought maybe it was a friendly thing (for I'm used to sleeping in beds with gay guys and we'd always hold each other while sleeping - when your kids on the street and theirs no love for us we turned often to each other even for parental love). Then she started touching my chest it was such a shock to me that but a good one, the thing was her friend was in the bed too, so we had to be quiet acknowledging this but so badly wanting to touch her I moved my hand up to her lips gently caressing her lips then feeling her desire for me to put my fingers in her mouth as I did I the warmth of her breath sent chills down my spine I moved my hands down to gently manueved her on top of me (which was not hard to do she is as light as a feather) and just feeling her there on top of me I could have died right thier and then for never before did I meet someone who like me for me (actually a lot of guys liked me but I never interested in them) and from my perpective it's not just a phyiscal thing when she kissed me I can't even explain it all I can say now I know is now I have something to live for......
After that a couple of days later I came to visit her at work she told me later that she was so nervous that I was there that she kept making mistakes and almost fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't she great so this was the closest thing to a sexual relationship I had with same-sex, yet still I stopped her touching me below the waist for I am shy I guess so still I have not gone all the way though I'm 21. Maybe I never will, maybe I'll become a strict buddhist who lives in the mountians and never sees people agian who knows, not I.
I just know I'll never stop loving woman.
jaf - Mon Jul 8 12:47:41 1996