Pinkboard: Coming Out Graffiti Wall 8

Coming to terms with our sexuality can be a very traumatic experience. For some people it is so difficult that they feel that life is not worth living. Don't despair! It is becoming easier to live as a lesbian, a gay man, a bisexual or whatever you identify as. There are support networks to help you with the rough times. You will find people who can be your friends and confidants. Life can be worth living.

Feel free to ask questions or share your coming out experiences. If you have a longer story please email it to me (Panther).

Coming Out Graffiti Wall 7
Coming Out Graffiti Wall 9

Copyright (C) Pinkboard, 2000-2001. Not to be reproduced without permission. The opinions expressed on this wall are not necessarily those of Pinkboard. Racism, sexism, libel and other offensiveness is not welcome. Pinkboard reserves the right to edit any contributions. Please use smileys to make sure your humour is understood. If you have any concerns about the content of this Graffiti Wall please email me (Panther).

Oh great - I'm one of the first ones on (I think??)!!! In response to Panda (G/wall no.7) about the *boyfriend asking*, well my parents are just beginning! They're even vouching to hook me up with my various male friends - help me paleeeeeese!!!!!! With common lines such as, "Don't worry, we'll find you a boyfriend", certaintly puts me in a state of *dry-wrenching* for the rest of the night! Likewise (my parents),don't know I'm gay & sitting at home watching TV in a small lounge room every night doesn't set the *best* environment for me to defend myself as to why I'm not dating anyone or attempting to mix with the oppposite sex or going out and socialising. SLAP me please! I mean haven't they got the *hint* that I might be gay yet?? Let's face it, I'm not going to sit there and come out to them. I don't inflict my personal business upon anyone. Then again - why should I? My other siblings don't have to declare their heterosexuality. Panda - I totally empathise with ya! Sometimes it's easier just to let things take their course, so at least you know that you're not rushing into things or getting into situations prematurely. Eventually when you reach the *adult* age, parents really don't have a say in one's life....so use the *autonomy* to your advantage!
operation - Mon Jun 19 23:30:45 2000

Boyfriends are overated.
Wed Jun 21 15:19:56 2000

Panther, thanks for your suggestions. They don't suspect I'm involved in anything illegal; it's just not like them not to ask me about my friends etc. I've actually become really close with them these last few months, since I came out to myself, and I think they can sense that I've found some sort of inner peace at knowing who I am and what I'm looking for in life. I think it's just a matter of time now!
operation, sitting at home every night watching TV isn't living life!! get out girl, join a group and meet people! Then when you do finally come out to your folks, they'll see how happy you are - it will surely make it much easier on you and them.
panda - Wed Jun 21 18:28:36 2000

I guess the only real problem about meeting other 'gay' youth is that it affirms you of your sexuality and the *new* path/lifestyle it will bring. Maybe this is just too much of a 'culture shock' for me at the moment. It sucks being scared of the unknown!
clearly screwed at the moment - Wed Jun 21 22:17:49 2000

clearly screwed - Living is all about taking risks. If we don't take risks then we stagnate. We just have to make sure that they are not too risky. Gay can be a "lifestyle", but many people choose not to follow it. Phone your local Gay & Lesbian Counselling Service and have a chat with them about what it can be like to be gay.
Panther - Thu Jun 22 10:45:10 2000

Help! I am 38 with husband and kids- I have always enjoyed the company of women friends, however while on vacation I spent time with a family friend and started to feel really close- she would say the coolest things to me- really notice me and how I was feeling etc. Now that the vacation is over all I want to do is spend time with her and be close to her- It's like I am blown away by these feelings! I have been so depressed that my husband is asking what is wrong- It's a mess and I can't think of anything or anyone else- Help
Thu Jun 22 14:09:05 2000

the comments by operations are ironic. She states that her parents harass her about getting a boyf then goes on to say how she isn't gonna come out cos no one should force sexuality business in anyones face.
Dome - Thu Jun 22 15:07:43 2000

Thanks *Dome* - obviously you're describing the shape of your brain :-)!
operation - Thu Jun 22 17:58:03 2000

Help - Could it be that you were appreciated like you haven't been for a while, or could there be some sexual feelings? You sould be talking to a counsellor about this. Phoning your local Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service may help you to sort out what you are feeling. Your doctor amy also be able to help, or refer you to someone who can.
Panther - Thu Jun 22 20:44:28 2000

That's not very nice. ....wow you really are getting the hang of this lesbian thing aren't you!
Thu Jun 22 20:47:07 2000

Hey There All - I'm a 20yo guy in Melbourne who has his shit together, well most of it.....the only thing is that I don't have a B/F and I've not come out yet because it does't fill right.....everytime I try to meet someone the only thing they want is sex.....all I want to know is there any real people out there who I can talk to, who have been through all of this, I know there is the switch board and places like that but I'm just intrested in talking to guys around my age, anyway I love reading though these graffiti walls, there are some cool stroys here.
Tom mic_20@hotmail.com - Thu Jun 22 21:26:12 2000

Panther- thanks for the response- your the first whom I have interacted with and it feels great to get a response to this confusing, stomach wrenching experience- It's great to be able to talk with someone- I'm to scared to talk to any friends-guess I will give it some time- I am certain that I want to see her again Thanks! Help
Fri Jun 23 0:59:15 2000

Tom, you can talk to me. I'm 21, have had a B/F for the last year and am out to everyone. I know what you mean about people just wanting one thing. So many people say the same thing- they should all get together. My email address is s3111477@student.anu.edu.au
David - Fri Jun 23 2:28:33 2000

Have never been on this wall before but more than willing to talk to anyone regarding comming out or realtionship issues. I am 26yrs and have a BF who is 25yrs old. We have been in a r/ship together for 5 years and continue to go strong. I have been out since 18 though knew i was gay from an early age. My family are wonderful and have embraced my BF with open arms. I have many positive (and negative)experiences from being gay and happy to chat to anyone about them. I am rarely here so sorry if i am hard to find. Cheers.
Andrew - Sat Jun 24 22:16:16 2000

well I did it! I sat down with my folks on Friday night and told them! They were a little shocked and claimed they had no idea, but from their comments and reactions I'd received from them over the last few months, no matter how subtle, I was sure they knew or at least had a strong suspicion.
but it's such a good feeling to have it out in the open now, instead of skulking around and hiding who you are. I'm not expecting it to be an easy thing for them to deal with, and it will take alot of work, but at least now I can be true to myself and to them, and I can only hope they appreciate how much that means to me.
panda - Mon Jun 26 7:43:28 2000

panda - Congratulations. I glad it went well. Be patient while they come to terms with your sexuality.
Panther - Mon Jun 26 9:23:13 2000

Sorry to tell you this, I really like the rainbow background, but it makes it really a struggle to read the text. Perhaps you could do borders/margins in the rainbow pattern...
bigbang@pioneer.net - Tue Jun 27 7:31:51 2000

Please help, I am really confused. I've been discussing this with some gay friends and they seem to recognise what I've said as similar to their own processes of realising their sexuality. I've always known that I am bisexual but I wonder if I am a lesbian. I'm 29. Since separating from my husband 2 years ago I have had a number of affairs, all with fairly angrogenous men. In all of my intimate relationships with men I have felt that there's been something missing. I had put this down to the fact that I had always managed to pick 'distant' men. (Even my current b/f who I thought was everything I'd ever wanted, still lives in another state.) I had put it down to my fear of intimacy and/or my depression and/or their lack of communication skills. A few months ago I spent the night with a woman for the first time and woke up feeling happier than I can ever remember being before. (Previously I had only briefly kissed 2 women.) OTOH I had just come out of a 2 year depression with the help of antidepressants and some hard spiritual work, and goddammit - she's a lovely girl. *grins & waves* And just to complicate things even further, I had also been sexually assaulted not long before that, and feeling completely fed up with males. So I wonder if I could still be reacting against that event and my general exhaustion with intimate relationships. I have always felt pretty angrogenous although ppl say i look very fem. I always identified with tomboy characters. I never feel safe to be completely myself with men, but how many straight women do? While I'm a strong feminist I went to an all-girls school and landed near the bottom of the pecking order so emotional intimacy with women often scares me. (A reason for repression?) I'd be grateful for any feedback. [cosey_mo@zip.com.au] Thanks. :-)
Mixed Up - Tue Jun 27 23:08:01 2000

Wed Jun 28 14:54:51 2000

Mixed Up. You poor girl. You have so much going on in your life. I think you should relax and go with what feels OK and safe for you right now. Don't worry to much or try to analyse everything. For me, sexuality is quite fluid. We experience a range of feelings and intimacy that oftens conflicts with our sexuality - so why put yourself in a category or stereotype. Just enjoy what feels right for you now and don't restrict your options. That seems to be with women now so go out there and enjoy them - or work on your freindship with the girl you have already meet. More importantly, always remember your friends are hopefully there for you. All the best.
Andrew (as above) - Wed Jun 28 17:56:05 2000

Andrew - thank you for reminding me to relax. I forget that sometimes but it is very important for me to do. Ah well, I'm off to The Bank tonight. :-)
Mixed Up - Wed Jun 28 20:17:47 2000

Panther, I have to agree with bigbang - the wall is a little hard to read with the rainbow backgrounds... maybe a single colour b/ground is the way to go :)
panda - Thu Jun 29 13:14:31 2000

Congrats 'panda'.....it takes a lot of guts to finally come out!
I wish.... - Fri Jun 30 23:38:06 2000

Mixed Up - You have gone through a lot and probably need to process lots of things still. No need to label yourself yet (or ever if you don't want to). As Andrew says, do what feels right. But if nothing is feeling right then you probably need to talk to someone about it. Or just give things a bit more time to sort themselves out.
Panther - Sat Jul 1 15:20:32 2000

thankyou I wish... :)
I take it from your nick that you still haven't?
panda - Mon Jul 3 7:44:49 2000

'panda' - you hit it right on the nail! Hope things are going OK with you and your parents and things are cooloing off a bit. I'm gay (female) but am unable to 'decloset' myself at the moment, even though my heart and head is telling me to go for it! I wish my parents would just come out and say - "Am I gay", then at least it gives me a starting point (i.e. they break the ice first) rather than trying to initiate the first step. Anyway, thanks & lots of luck - hope you get through it!
I wish... - Mon Jul 3 12:56:46 2000

I wish - there is no time like the present!! what's your relationship like with your folks? I guess I'm pretty lucky, mine have been exceptionally understanding and open-minded - I come from a middle-class Jewish family too which made it a little difficult, but you can't hide who you are your whole life! email me if you like, panda@qmail.com.au :)
panda - Mon Jul 3 13:09:57 2000

DEAR I WISH, I spent so much energy and time worrying about what my parents and family would think if i told them i was gay when i was 17. I truly became exhausted from the whole process! I look back now - 9 years later - and laugh. In the end, i just told them ... and they were not the least bit surprised! My Dad said he always knew! My Mum - upset and "tortured" at first - loves me more than ever and has embraced and welcomed my partner with opens arms. He receives the same level of respect and attention my other sister/ brother-in laws receive. Unfortunately not everyone has a postive story or experience like i have had when coming out to loved ones but the point is - if they truly love you then you telling them you are gay shouldn't ruin things for you in the long term. Yes, initially it might be difficult but rely on your friends and those who already know about your sexuality to support you. Tell them what you want to do and ask them if they can be there for you in case it doesn't run smoothly. You can't beat the love and support of great friends. Even better if they have already been through this experience. Like Panda said, "you can't hide all your life". Coming out - even if it produces a negative result for you initially will ultimately be postive for your health, inner being and self esteem in the long run.
Andrew - Mon Jul 3 19:29:25 2000

Dear mixed up- become a dyke! It's so fun. In this patrichal world, who can a woman rely on apart from her sisters? Lesbian feminism is the way to go!
FemX - Mon Jul 3 21:43:06 2000

While reading these stories I think wow,look how many people are in the same situation.I have stressed so long and hard about coming out but I havn't done it completely-yet!I tried not long ago to tell my friend about how I felt,and got a sort of cool responce.So when he asked later on about it,I kind of relapsed and said it was a phase that had passed.What should I do?I am 18 and I feel ready for a relationship,but my current heterosexual status is getting in my way and I still don't feel ready to tell anyone else.
Jasper - Mon Jul 3 23:08:26 2000

FemX - you are somewhat delusional. Women can hurt women far, far worse than men ever could - and I think you will find that alot of dykes have many very close male friends as well.
And being a dyke is not "fun", it's bloody hard! People come to this board for advice, so please don't be so flippant next time.
panda - Tue Jul 4 7:50:34 2000

Jasper - It sounds as if you don't completely accept it yet. Maybe its time to meet some other gay people?
Panther - Tue Jul 4 10:17:53 2000

Well, i finally admitted to my boyfriend that i have feelings for women and it turns out he thinks he's bi as well....not quite sure where that leaves us yet but at least it's a start
Fri Jul 7 23:43:37 2000

Panther...being young and having a disease is isolating as it is - but being young, having a disease, being gay (a lesbian) and in the 'closet'is just f*cking me up inside. I thought the former was challenging (i.e. trying to deal with the complexities of an illness & the shit the medical profession throws at you) but the issues that arise and the ignorance (from others) that homosexuals are confronted with surpass anything! How do I cope with the latter?
just coping..........i think? - Sat Jul 8 1:14:51 2000

Just Coping - A good way to cope is to have supportive friends around who you can talk to about all your issues. There will still be difficult times, but at least you can go and cry on someone's shoulder when you need to. So how do we make these friends when we are in the closet? One way would be to find other people in similar situations on Internet. Use personals, chat rooms, ICQ, etc. And remember, if you need to talk to someone phone your state Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service.
Panther - Sun Jul 9 7:33:08 2000

I wish - tried to email you back but it bounced... u have another email addy?
panda - Wed Jul 12 8:04:20 2000

This married guy needs some advice about how to handle telling his 19 year old daughter about his "secret life". My wife knows about my sexuality, but doesn't know that I want to act on it, and I have been very careful to ensure she doesn't find out. My daughter has also known for 2 years about my sexuality, but my wife doesn't know that she knows. Now I have received an e-mail from my daughter who has found out more about my "secret life". She would like to talk to me about it, and says she loves me no matter what. She also said that I have my own little world running separately, and that I shouldn't hide in the dark. I would like to be totally honest with her, but fear that it will put her in an awkward position with her mother, in that she will know things about me which I wish to keep from her mother. If anyone has had to handle a similiar situation, I would be grateful to hear how you handled it - m2m33@yahoo.com
Concerned Dad - Wed Jul 12 18:30:42 2000

I am now 30 and I thought that I would simply come out once I found the right guy and we were living together. I could say to my parents yep, I am gay and this is my partner. I started saying this at 24 and like 6 years later it still hasn't happened. (you probably just think I am some ugly, non I use to get all depressed about the fact that I hadn't come out and also I use to work in schools and with kids so coming out could have meant a lot of scrutiny within my position. Anyway now I have decided that I am too old to come out and it will be more embarassing coming out and I should have done it when I was 15 and then I wouldn't have felt so bad about it. Anyway so the whole thing is pretty crap. And I moved to Melbourne so that I could like write a letter back to my parents but then I am too gutless to do that as well. And the more stupid part of it is I know they won't even care and they would be happy for me, but I still can't do it. And I haven't even told my best friend (female) and she probably knows already but I am too embarassed to discuss it with them. It is crap and being gay doesn't worry me it is just the feelling of embarrassment and the questions that are going to be asked that will. Anyway thats all................. Cos 20458536
Wed Jul 12 22:48:00 2000

Cos - I would guess that you don't really want to be gay and are still hoping it will go away so you can forget the "embarrassment". Your message is just excuses. Deep down you don't accept that you are gay. If you don't accept it, how can you expect a partner to accept it. Your message is also a cry for help (maybe unconscious). You are now realising that you have to do something otherwise you will be alone and unhappy for the rest of your life. I would suggest that you get some serious counselling. I am sure almost any counsellor would do (except an extreme christian). It is starting to let it out that you need to do. You may eventually decide that you have taken the right course, and you will keep your sexuality private, but then you won't be tortured by misgivings.
Panther - Thu Jul 13 9:10:53 2000

COS,the first thing you need to do before you can confidently come out to anyone else is to come out to yourself. It's difficult to have a r/ship with someone if you don't believe in yourself first and foremost. Once you've done that, take it one step at a time. Start by telling your friend. If you think she'll react postively, there's an even better reason. You'd be amazed at how much better you feel once you've told someone - it lifts a huge weight off your shoulders. You'll probably find that she's really supportive, and that makes it so much easier to tell others - like your parents. I think it's always better (though harder) to tell them face-to-face. A letter doesn't give everyone the chance to really talk about it or to give each other strength. Be strong. Don't worry about whether it's "too late to come out." Define too late....it's never too late to come out. Don't live your life afraid of what you are, or what others might say or think.
EB - Thu Jul 13 12:06:07 2000

panda - check your e-mail! Hopefully this one will work!
I wish - Thu Jul 13 17:43:56 2000

I wish - got it! :)
panda - Fri Jul 14 13:26:56 2000

hi, my last posting was Fri Jul 7 23:43:37 2000 - has anyone who has gone through the same thing any advice?
help - Mon Jul 17 1:39:03 2000

I must say I have some empathy with "Cos" , I never came out till I was 34 less than 2 years ago but first left the small minning town where I lived and worked, never came out to any of the people I worked with except my best mate who turned from a homophobe to a enlightend human being after the shock and then my mum over the phone. I do agree that the older you get the harder it is to confront people that have known you for years with the "truth" ,But I say to Cos difficult as it is, once the dust has settled and the gasps died down comes the wonderful feeling of freedom and relief like a wieght has been lifted from you, Like you can stretch and grow.
mb - Mon Jul 17 22:34:31 2000

Hi, I came out to my folks a few months ago (I'm 23), and my mum still has issues with the way I dress and how short my hair is. I mean really! I don't think I look that androgynous. I can show her many many other girls where she would have to look twice! It really upsets me ~ she should be happy for me by now instead of focussing on the little insignificant things. It's really sad ~ if I started wearing skirts and makeup and grew my hair, she'd be deliriously happy, regardless of what stage I was at in my personal life. I don't think she realises how it affects me ~ it seems that all the great things I've done ~ gone to uni, have a great job, financially independent and (now) happy that I've discovered myself ~ make any difference to her ~ it all comes down to the way I look. Yes I have short hair, and yes I wear pants and not dresses, but I'm still a woman and very proud of that.
hannah - Tue Jul 18 13:41:46 2000

hannah - Your mother may still be coming to terms with your sexuality. We often have difficulty coming to terms with it ourselves, so we have to allow others, especially parents, time too. Be patient with her and let her see that you are still the same person.
Panther - Tue Jul 18 19:08:39 2000

Hi Hannah, I understand *exactly* where you're coming from. Although I'm not 'completely' out to my parents, my mum has some real issues about certain 'mannerisms' or what's an acceptable 'femminine' dress code. In other words - if you dress like a female (?#$^)....walk like a female (definately @#$^&*) and look like a female (????????)...then you *are* a female. If you want to talk, feel free to email me on storage@hotmail.com ......I think this a topic that we could go to town with:)!!
elbow - Wed Jul 19 20:24:08 2000

Hi all. I've come out to about twenty or so people (all of them one by one) in the last year and a half. I never really valued friendship until I was so desperate with depressiont that I eventually "cried out for help". I have a few really great friends who I can finally be myself with. They are straight girls (although one of them was a little confused a little while ago) and we all laugh and talk about boys together. Actually, a really cute German exchange student started going to my school a few days ago (what a hunk!). But because this place seems so "rural" I always fill my mind with doubt and worry. Other days, though, I realise that Orange (NSW, 2800, Australia) isn't as "outback" as it could be, and I really am lucky to have the friends I have. I've been wondering lately (I'm still quite the naive gay virgin I was a year ago) if there's someway I could possibly hook up with someone. Is there a gay community or anything in my area? I went looking on the net but the only forum which had the answer had been shutdown for months. I'm not particularly aiming for sex, and it is still illegal in this state I think. I'd really like to find my soulmate (I think everyone here has a similar yearning), and even more immediately I'd like to start dating. Phone numbers, ideas, advice: all would be helpful right now. Thanks.
Naive 16 Aus - Wed Jul 19 23:34:57 2000

Naive 16 Homosexuality has been legalised in the state of NSW for quite a number of years now. What you have to watch out for (and perhaps are getting things confused with) is the legal age of consent. Which at this stage is still unequal and unfair. I believe the legal age of consent for homosexual males is 18. However I think the best thing you could do is come to understand yourself more before having sex. There are several youth networks around such as 2010, and G&L counselling services. But Panther is the one who could probably give you a few more ideas of where to access these.
MsG - Thu Jul 20 8:18:23 2000

Naive 16 - I am glad that you have your friends that you can be open with. As you say, it is scary being openly gay both at school and in rural Australia. You have a double helping. Some of your stories about coming out to your friends may serve as an inspiration to others in the same position, if you would like to put them on here. 2010 (in Sydney) is the best resource for youth. They have a 1800 number I think.
Panther - Thu Jul 20 8:41:52 2000

Panther - Yes, 2010 do have a 1800 number. It's 1800 65 2010 for anyone else who might need it. Thanks heaps for your advice. And thanks to you, too, MsG. I'll might type up my story later, though, 'cause I've got so much homework it isn't funny. Thanks again, everyone.
Naive 16 Aus - Thu Jul 20 22:49:45 2000

Like most others that post to this wall, I am in need of a little guidance... well probably quite a bit in fact. I am a 25 year old female and am currently in a relationship with a guy (just over a year). I used to see a female for two years, but I left her to return to the man I am seeing now. Confused yet!!! I am... Anyway, I can not stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend ever since I left her. I really love my boyfriend and would hate to do anything to hurt him, but I do not find him sexually attractive. (He knows that I used to see a woman) There is a long history between him and me and all my friends and family absolutely adore him. I am already getting pressured to walk the aisle.
I am still in contact with my ex-girlfriend - which makes things hard from time to time. The only problem is that nobody ever liked her. In fact I would certainly worry a few close friends if I ever returned to her.
I don't know if it is because I am a committment phobic person or because I like truely do prefer women to men that makes me want to run away from this relationship. But, just to complicate matters, if I imagine my life without my boyfriend... I feel extremely sad. Totally mixed up - can anyone provide any advice??
madly confused - Sun Jul 23 15:05:48 2000

madly confused - I would guess that you are scared to leave a situation which is familiar and comfortable. You are hesitant to take a bit of risk. You are probably also stuck in the monogamy mindset. I suggest that you take a break from both of these people, either go away on holiday or just don't see them for a while, maybe meet some new people, make sure you give yourself opportunities to have fun. After that you should have a bit more perspective on the situation.
Panther - Mon Jul 24 8:38:13 2000

madly confused - I spent 4 and a half years with my ex partner (a guy) before I finally broke away and 'discovered' myself. I knew from very early on that the relationship wouldn't work, but as you said, I couldn't imagine not being with him, and I was comfortable - the relationship was a security blanket for me. When I did finally have the guts to end it, the resulting months were unbelievably hard - I had no self esteem and being single again absolutely terrified me - I had no idea how to get out and meet people. But it did happen! Although there's no-one special in my life at the moment, I've had the guts to come out and join some groups, and I've met a whole bunch of great women - my life has done a full 180 degree turn, and despite having good and bad days, I don't ever remember being this happy. My story may or may not have helped - but just so you know - if you have the courage to step outside your comfort zone, amazing things will happen in your life.
little miss - Mon Jul 24 13:51:12 2000

Hi everyone This is the first time I have writen stuff on here, which means I a bit nervous. I am 18, just began University, and am confused about my sexuality. Well not really confused as where my preference lies, but confused with what I should do about it. Basically I am worried that my friends and family will be supportive etc, but thats not very comforting at the same time. What do you all think I should do?
confuddled - Mon Jul 24 19:29:21 2000

Hi Confuddled, this is my first time here and already writing too but after looking at everyone else's great opinion, I feel obligated to share as well. I'm 19 and in my second year university already. I don't know how many of us feel this is so, but I think this year, the year 2000, is a year of change. Not just the big things in life but the small little details. Of how when u discuss partners of the same sex a little more openly at your local Starbucks or your favorite hangout, the stares seems a little bit less conspicuous. I've known that I was gay since I was 11 but knowing at such an early age had it's downside for me. I completely ignored it for years about my own sexuality. I could describe in details what I thought my life would be like when I was 28, single, closeted, going to a few straight bars here and there and just laughing about the same old jokes and pretending to stare as a girl's arse(no offense to anyone) everytime they walk by. Then the year 2000 came and as much as I was hoping the world would crash and have a huge cataclysm due to Y2K, it didn't and I had to face up to being gay for the rest of my life and not have someone else put me out of my misery (or so I thought). So I joined the chat rooms online, talked with a few folks that were much older than I was. Got comfortable enough with that, that I finally worked up the nerve to join the local gay university club, then I spread out to the city youth club. Both were dissapointing to say the least. I had it all planned out that I was going to meet some great guy at the university club or the youth club, have a great relationship with him, gain lots of self esteem, and tell all my friends and family. Truth is more deceptive than fiction. That never happened, I ended up having a few one niters at the gay dance clubs, felt totally confused and lost at being used and treated as an object. And yet, now that I look back on it, I find that I have grown so much within the past 7 months and figured out a lot about myself. I have caught on to the pitfalls in a gay life and yet found such great moments in it that I would never have been able to discover had I not face up to being gay. I guess what I am trying to say is that it does not matter what path you choose to take in life, whether you are gay, straight or bi-sexual, just as long as you choose a path and walk it. There may not be a golden path to walk on but eventually, you learn that the more roads you walk on in life, the more of the beauties you will make out for yourself. Carpe Diem!
Joe - Tue Jul 25 15:16:51 2000

thanks for the advice
madly confused - Wed Jul 26 7:26:05 2000

confuddled - University is a great time to make new friends and try new things. Try out the Uni gay & lesbian groups. You may meet some new friends there, or find people you can confide in. It is important to have people you can talk openly with, both before and after you come out to those closest to you. They give you courage and support.
Panther - Wed Jul 26 9:00:02 2000

little miss~ Thank you! your words have made me finally reach a decision that i should have made a long time ago. I have been with my boyfriend now for over 3 years and the only reason for staying is the fact that i feel so comfortable and find change comlpletly scary. I have to now decide on where to live as i moved over from NSW to be with him... I have no idea where to go from here but it is better than staying in this relastionship due to be too lazy to change my life around.... I really admire your effort.. and once again thank you.
miss K - Thu Jul 27 5:12:57 2000

miss K - my pleasure! glad my words did not go unnoticed.
congratulations on making your decision, and while it won't be easy, it will be one of the best things you could have done for yourself. well done!!!
little miss - Fri Jul 28 7:40:10 2000

JOE - thanks so much for your advice. It was very helpful. Although I haven'd decidid what I want to do in the future, I know that what ever I do chose, it will be for me. I guess I've always felt, in a sub-concious level, that I awas ashamed for being gay, although I knew I shouldn't, but I guess that is the first hurdle to cross when coming out. Yes there is a gay club at the uni, although I wasn't interested in going to it, becuase I odnt see the point. I cant see how something like that will help, especially considering that the one at my uni is very small, and uneventful. So, once again Joe, thanx for your advice -
confuddled - Fri Jul 28 14:11:06 2000

Hi Confuddled, I'm glad the things I said helped you out. The club at the university might not seem to help by providing enough social contacts with other gay guys but it kinda lets you get a look at how a gay person's life is and frankly, it's the same as everyone else's. I knew that before but I just never realized it until I see it first hand and then I just got more comfortable with myself and life starts rolling again. But don't let being gay overshadow who you are, it is only part of who you are, not your entire self. Cheers to you all!
Joe- - Fri Jul 28 15:33:31 2000

finally did it!!! well 2 weeks ago anyway. I told my mum that I'm gay. Funny thing is, I had always thought she knew, she had no idea. my advice for everyone still confused, find at least one person you trust more than anyone else, who you know won't turn on you for telling them how you are feeling. Just have someone there to help you through it. I know that personally I had to deal with depression, anger, denial and guilt over being gay. I'm still not totally over it, thinking from time to time that I wish I wasn't, it'd make life easier...but then I think "hey, this is me!" it's who I was born and who I will die as...respect yourself and things should work out!!!
Melbourne Chick - Sat Jul 29 0:14:26 2000

Melbourne Chick - you took the words right out of my mouth:)
shadow - Sat Jul 29 10:49:23 2000

to everyone of you who are in the process of coming out - i admire your strength, courage, honesty and compassion. i am a male (i'm 33 but i have been our since i was fourteen) and i still remember the emotional rollercoaster i went through. once you come to terms with all the complexities of being a wonderfully gay person, you will love it. i personally would not like to live any other way. i especially love it when my father asks me if i have a boyfriend yet and on those times when i do not he tells me to hurry up because he wants grandchildren from me and my boyfriend. good luck and be storng...
party on and on - Sat Jul 29 14:28:07 2000

party on and on - I look forward to the day when I will have such great and accepting parents like yours! :)
eagerly waiting - Sat Jul 29 15:21:14 2000

My lover was having a huge dilemna about telling his parents he was gay. We're both in our 20s & I'd told my parents years before so I was encouraging him. His parents were good people, I was sure they wouldn't take it too badly...So, he goes home to Cronulla,Mums cooking tea, busy, & he's saying 'mum, stop cooking theres something I need to talk to you about...' and she's a bit put out y'know'what's so important it can't wait on the veges?' but she stops & he tells her in a burst all at once that he's in love & its a guy and hes gay and so ..?? And his mum is incredibly relieved & goes straight back to cooking & she says ' Of course you are dear, have you only just figured that out? ' And hes totally gobsmacked but still terrified of telling his dad so he asks his mum if she'll tell him for him & she says sure, if he likes. So, that night in bed, his parents are both reading their books, and Mum says ' **** came by today,told me,& asked me to tell you,he's gay.' His Dad says "Really? I've never been much interested in other peoples sex lives...Is he happy?" Mum says 'o yes, his new friends his boyfriend you see...' Dad says "Good. He deserves a bit of happiness. Always seemed too serious to me..." And that was it. Total period of adjustment. By far the coolest response I ever heard from 2 parents.
Sun Jul 30 2:27:08 2000

if your parents are not accepting yet, just give them time, they will eventually come around. remember most were brought up in times when being a faggot was really really bad and all the press coverage was very negative. at last the press and television are helping (albeit slowly) to change the thought responses of the public. eventhough my parents are now totally accepting and encouraging, there was an initial reactionary response which was not particularly enjoyable for any of us.
Sun Jul 30 10:05:32 2000

Anon - what an incredible response from your bf's folks!! We need more parents like that in the world, that's for sure!
jess - Mon Jul 31 7:35:28 2000

Anon, I agree with Jess. That's the best response I've ever heard from parents. Fantastic! I've cc'd it to my b/f who has yet to come out to his parents. One can only hope for a similar reaction. Good on them.
EB - Mon Jul 31 11:32:37 2000

Anyway, that was my boyfriends parents response(SunJuly30). Being more precocious, I told my parents when I was 13, before I had actually had a chance to do anything about it. But I knew.For sure. I liked girls, but every time I jerked off (like-4-times-a-day)I was thinking about a guy. So, being a confrontational little git, in the middle of some adolescent drama about something else, I basically slapped them in the face with it -( really just to show them they didn't know me as well as they thought they did!)and my dad was just shattered. He cried. He was so sad, and sorry and worried for me, but he didn't really question it. I think he knew, too. But my mum wasn't so easily convinced. She asked me how i knew, and i told her that all my sexthoughts & wet dreams,etc were about guys and she said "Exactly. But do you ever think about kissing a man? Or about loving a man?" And in all honesty , at that stage the idea of kissing(or loving) a guy was pretty alien to me, and I told her that. She said "When you start dreaming about kissing a man - then you come and tell me you're a homosexual. Until then, you're just an oversexed teenager, as far as I'm concerned." And she was right. Until I actually had my first agonising crush on a guy, I had no real idea what it meant to be gay. Queerness isn't just about where you can, or do, put your genitals. It's about where you put your heart. And my mum, who knew nothing about "homosexuality", as she always called it then, knew that very important detail about selfhood. To her credit,as soon as i told her I was having that kiss dream she said "Fair enough,but just don't make a production out of it." Forget bill cosby, its parents who say the darndest things!
Hard 'n Chillin - Mon Jul 31 23:46:34 2000

Wow, I have just read all the great stories on here. I just hope that one day when my parents find out about me that they eventually get over it and love me for who I am. I really cannot see that happening though, they say the nastiest things about lesbians, about them raising children and being freaks etc. I hear other people say that their parents are very understanding and others say that they dont care that their parents dont approve of them being gay. Thing is for me, I cannot handle the possible reaction I may get. I do care what they think. And as long as they dont ask me, then I dont think I will tell them. I am of the opinion that it is only my business and nobody elses. Is that wrong??? Afterall I didnt choose to be gay, its just the way I am.
femmegal - Tue Aug 1 17:53:22 2000

dear femmegal, the reason we tell our parents, friends, family etc is because being gay is a part of us and pretending not to be gay is not who we are. if we do that then we are liars not only to ourselves but to the ones we love and cherish. it is an incredibly scary process to come out, but in the end for most of us, it makes us stronger and helps shape our character. just remember you are not alone, there are many people who are there to help...
Shaerin Magoodies - Wed Aug 2 15:40:29 2000

re: Shaerin Magoodies....I would have to disagree about the comment you made, that if a person is *in the closet* then they are lying to themselves and deceiving others. By accusing someone of being a liar places extra guilt upon that person. Being *in the closet* isn't about *hiding* oneself or being secretive and deceitful. Being *in the closet* is about taking the time to develop some sense of emotional maturity so the person can deal with the issues of homosexuality and feel 100% comfortable with their identity (i.e. of being gay). Always remember that emotional development is exactly like physical development i.e. different people develop at different stages/rates than others and a lot of the time people don't have any control as to how or when this happens. However, when *closet gays* reach this point, this is usually the time when they *do* come out because they feel 'equipt' to handle the situation and implications of being gay.
class me - Wed Aug 2 17:57:27 2000

There are also valid reasons for staying in the closet. If you are financially dependant on your parents (at school or uni) and suspect they will cut you off. If you are living at home and there is a risk of being thrown out. Etc. It is important, however, to have people you can talk to and who can give you that hug you need.
Panther - Wed Aug 2 20:09:48 2000

If you can,culturally, tell them really young. Like, as soon as it occurs to you. Parents,like everyone, are worn down by time. The longer you know & don't tell them - the more they can criticise you for dishonesty as well as 'immorality' or 'hedonism' or 'paganism'. Tell 'em. It only gets harder & later. And when you're young, you're often more loveable, and forgivable. Think puppy, think colt, think kitten. Young & honest is so much better than old & guilty....And if anyone rejects you for telling the truth about yourself - they are better identified sooner than later. You wont starve.
Hard 'n Chillin - Thu Aug 3 0:42:55 2000

uhh???
Thu Aug 3 11:47:03 2000

i am sorry if i offended anyone at all by my remark - that was not the intended purpose. i do believe it is better to be away from a potentially dangerous situation than to be in one. if by coming out to your parents they then reject you or throw you out, at least you are then able to start living your life free from the cloud of worry, guilt and shit-scaredness. yes there will be obstacles to overcome, but that occurs everywhere in life.
Shaerin magoodies - Thu Aug 3 15:04:17 2000

i think about the closet differently. we are *in* it cos everyone sees a girl and assumes she loves boys and they see a boy and assume he loves girls. knowing that they are wrong and feeling that is what the closet is. it's the expectation that we're normal (read:straight). no expppectation and no closet, right? one other thing that bugs me is when you come out to someone and they say 'i don't care about what you do in bed'. jeez, i wasn't telling them that. as someone said above, being queer is about loving, reducing it all done to sex is just silly. when i come out to people, it's so they wont assume that i'm into girls like i'm supposed to. it's uncomfortable for me otherwise.
david - Thu Aug 3 18:45:13 2000

BTW, i don't think hard'n chillin is right. surely the best time to tell them is when *you* are ready. the longer that takes then so be it. in order to handle with any possible reaction, surely you have to be ready emotionally. if they hold it against you for not coming out earlier then i think that's cruel and they don't really understand the pain of the closet.
david - Thu Aug 3 18:49:48 2000

confuddled, i'm at uni too. believe me, the sexuality officer or the gay group is there especially for people like you. go for it!
david - Thu Aug 3 18:52:04 2000

Shaerin - Being thrown out of home, especially while you are still at school or otherwise completely dependant on your parents, can't be always or even usually good. There are valid reasons for staying in the closet, and we should not dismiss people if that is what they choose to do.
Panther - Thu Aug 3 21:52:49 2000

I don't think everyone can, or needs to come out as soon as they realize they're gay. Economic,religious,health and other social factors play a huge part in the timing,and no one should be, or feel, pressured to announce their sexuality any sooner than they're ready.That's what I meant about 'if you can, culturally...'. I probably wasn't very clear.At 13, I came out way younger than almost everyone I've ever heard of, and it worked out really well for me because i had smart,young parents and a social millieu in which that was appropriate. Plenty of people don't have those incentives & advantages and i in no way intended to imply that sooner than later was always appropriate or even possible. As soon as you're ready is what I meant...
Hard 'n Chillin - Fri Aug 4 13:04:42 2000

Why is it whenever I tell people I'm a lesbian they don't believe me???!!!!! They say 'No, you're not a lesbian, you're straight, I wouldn't have guessed you're a lesbian'!!!!!!!!Does that sound screwy to anyone else????? I am queer, I am I am I am!!!!!Honest!!
menmakemepuke - Sun Aug 6 12:34:49 2000

Sometimes when people dont fit a stereotype of their sexual identitiy, other people express surprise.This is neither a compliment or an insult, and , in fact it says more about someone elses preconceptions concerning sexuality, & identity, than it does about your typicality,or otherwise, for a given identified sexuality.If you don't "look like a lesbian", for instance, may say more about your observers expectation of what a lesbian looks like than it does about your similarity to your sisters.I think you are delighted to be told you don't look like a lesbian because you think lesbians are ugly and you think everyone here will understand your subtext that you are a pretty femme dyke and give you bonus points for being non-stereotypical in your lesbian-ness. OK, you run with that Barbie. But don't assume others can't see where you stand. You aren't asking a question, you're auditioning....
Hard Licker - Mon Aug 7 0:25:23 2000

I'm planning to attend my first meeting at my uni's lesbian group and I'm terrified. I'm 28 and have recently told a few friends, seperately, that I think I'm gay. Their responses have ranged from "You're just trying to shock me" to "It's just a stage". I'm becoming more and more of a recluse and I'm now too scared to talk to anyone I know about it. Then again, I'm not even sure I'm ready to accept myself let alone expect others to. Any words of wisdom?
Terrified - Mon Aug 7 21:56:36 2000

You are gifted with the ability to love members of your own gender. That is a challenge.It is also its own greatest reward.From the outside looking in it appears to be much harder, and stranger than it is. It isn't just about sex,though- it's about who you are able to love and if you can remember that crucial fact as you re=organise certain elements in your lifes landscape, the transition will be less frightening.
Mon Aug 7 23:31:50 2000

Hi Terrified......my heart goes out to you(*hugs*). I'm in my 20's and am on the *verge* of wanting, yet at the same time am so hesitant about attending a lesbian support group. My greatest fear is....what if I don't fit in either way?? However, like yourself, I know that if I don't initiate some action soon I will slowly waste away into an unhappy individual. It's so easy to become a recluse or lock ourselves away and people usually do this so as to avoid facing the whole reality of the situation they're in. Usually when people know that they're 'different' or don't fit into the 'mainstream' of things, they become very disheartened and unintentionally drift away from everything and everyone. However, the real threat comes when we start to drift away or disconnect from ourselves and our own feelings. It's at this point where we begin to feel terrified,confused, scared, lonely and worthless because we have have lost the one thing that holds us together....control. When we're no longer in control or have control of our true thoughts and what direction we're heading in, this can cause people to start doubting oneself. i.e. who am I and where do I fit in? Although it's a major step (attending a uni lesbian support grp) that your taking, at least you're recognising that you still *do* have control and want to discover who you really are. My advice is....take that first step.....it can't hurt! Either you walk away feeling like crap i.e.no different:)) or you walk away with the biggest weight lifted off your shoulders. Maybe going to a *uni* lesbian support group isn't as comforatble as going to a support group off-campus. I know that uni groups can be quite confronting (especially if you're a first-timer) because these are people who you may see during lectures or a lot of them are already affiliated with other lesbians and gay-related groups. This can be quite daunting, especially if things don't go to plan. By going to an off-campus support grp, at least you can build up some confidence and find your footing. Then if you feel ready - go for it! Always remember......in the end it's your decision and it's one that has to be made when *you* feel emotionally mature enough and comfortable to deal with your sexuality. (PS read...my re: to Shaerin Magoodies, Wed Aug 2nd). Best of luck and if you'd like to talk more.....post me your e-mail address(on this board).....sorry, I'm not on-line a lot! Just occasionally when the mood gets me:))
class me - Mon Aug 7 23:54:32 2000

Terrified - See if you can meet one or two people from the group for coffee before you go to that first meeting. It is easier to meet on neutral ground and only meet one or two people at first. Then when you go to the group you will know someone there and they can introduce you to others.
Panther - Tue Aug 8 8:35:14 2000

Thanks for your advice!!! Much appreciated! class me-you can reach me on azure@bigpond.com I'm not on-line much either.
A little less terrified - Tue Aug 8 9:56:12 2000

Hey Hard Licker, I agree with you about other people's stereotyping of what a lesbian should look or be like. By posting my message, however, I wasn't trying some ego trip or whatever, I was actually trying to find out if others get this. I was trying to express my irritation and slight hilarity at straight people, particularly straight men, presuming to label me, tell me who I am or try to convince me of otherwise. I'm by no means 'prettier' than the 'stereotypical' lesbian, and Barbie isn't my bag baby. I don't think lesbians are ugly, no woman is. Also it would be nice to know I could 'fit in' somewhere as I've always been little miss outsider. By finding out if other girls, or guys, often get told who they are I could start to understand people and sexuality a bit better. I just find this reaction a bit strange, to the point where I've thought about actually attempting to change myself/appearance into something more 'stereotypical' for other people and especially lesbians, and was wondering if anyone else thought this way. Does anyone??
menmakemepuke - Tue Aug 8 11:50:41 2000

Hey **Terrified**.....tried your e-mail address but the thing bounced. If you want, give me another address or contact me on: adriftsouth@hotmail.com
class me - Tue Aug 8 20:41:21 2000

First off,let me say I was a bit harsh, but so is your handle"menmakemepuke"(!) which is even stranger because you do seem to be putting a fair bit of store into what men, and straight people generally are telling you about not being a lesbian.Gays,&lesbians&straights often make stereotyped judgements about eachothers sexuality (based on appearances) and just about everyone I know has been mistaken for a straight, or a queer, at some stage.So, it's not that big a deal. What does seem to be a bigger deal is your,fairly understandable, need to belong to a group of people & not feel like an outsider. Theres an amazingly broad range of dykes out there of all descriptions, and rather than changing yourself to be more 'identifiably dyke-ish' why not embrace that variety,include yourself unquetioningly in it, and regard the misguided assumptions of others as quaintly endearing....Just a thought-try Creamed at the icebox,Kellet Street for a peak at real dyke variety...
Hard Licker - Tue Aug 8 22:40:45 2000

Excellent! Ok thanx for the advice Hard Licker, I realise that there's all sorts of woman out there but it's easy to seem isolated sometimes, I'll certainly try your suggestions! But, I've just re-read my first posting and noticed that I did seem like a bit of a barbie! But I was just in one of those moods! Plus I was having a bit of a stress about men in general that night, here's a new signoff.........
chilledout - Wed Aug 9 11:13:54 2000

Where does a woman who is 34 go, there is no support groups for my age group in sydney? I have been divorced for 3 years, and very confused. One day I'm this next day I'm that. I can't sort out my head.
going bonkers - Wed Aug 9 19:49:44 2000

going bonkers - The Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service has up to date listings of most groups. Phone them and have a chat. You can probably find something appropriate. The Women's Coming Out group is for women of all ages.
Panther - Wed Aug 9 22:31:03 2000

chilledout- I like the new sign-off a lot, and glad to have been able to have offered something useful.Might see you at creamed this Friday...I'll be the one that least resembles Barbie...
Hard Licker - Thu Aug 10 14:12:38 2000

One of the weirdest things that can happen, happened to me and my sister about coming out.I got sprung pretty young(14) having sex with an older guy,big scandal,blahblahblah, but at least as far as my parents went it got it out into the open.Meanwhile,my older sister has also pulled me aside during all the drama and told me that she is a lesbian,but given all the controversy surrounding my outing,she's naturally a little wary about revealing her sexuality to the olds.So,she doesn't.As time goes on they(my parents)get cooler & cooler about my gayness and eventually even allow my boyfriend to sleep over,in my room, while I'm still living at home. And my sister is still doing all this sneaking around,fake boyfriends,the whole bit, and she's 3 years older! Finally, when she's 24 and met the woman of her dreams, she goes to my parents and tells them she's a lesbian. And they just totally dismiss her revelation, and tell her she is just trying to 'ride her brothers coat tails'(whatever that means) and point blank refuse to believe it's true!They could not believe that out of 3 kids they got 2 queers, but they did & my sister ended up dragging me home to tell them when she first told me and like confirm her longstanding secret sexuality. So I did and you wouldn't believe it - they turned on me for not dobbing her in! As if!Any way, after a couple weeks they got more used to the idea. and my father pulled me aside later and told me I was a good brother to have kept my sisters secret until she was ready.
Sun Aug 13 1:56:36 2000

Hi, does anyone know of any places in Brisbane where you can meet gay females in a non-club environment. I'm probably bi, but i'm not sure, mind you I'm here, which probably means something. Either way I want to know. I've been confused for a while, and the girls that I've met are either out of my league, or there's no chemistry, and indecisiveness is hell. Can anyone help? Thanks
Sun Aug 13 23:42:31 2000

I came out to my dad!!!And he didn't kick me out!!!!Hoooray!! We had been seperated for 13 years when I finally decided to get in touch with him at the age of 17 and I have been living with him since June this year. He's a devout Roman Catholic and I was petrified of how he'd react to some of my deep dark secrets. Well, last night his girlfriend, himself and I went to his friend's party and I got very drunk (as usual!) and ended up bursting into tears and telling his girlfriend first. She advised me to tell him and after some refusing I told him!!!!He was pretty drunk himself but he said he thought so! I think he was just trying to save his pride really! But nothing's changed except my sense of absolute relief! It wasn't planned and wasn't the best of situations to have done it in but I feel so much better. So people, if I can do it, *anyone* can!!! Good luck!!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx p.s Hard Licker, glad you like the sign off! But I didn't tell you I live in London England, so much as I'd love to I won't be coming to Creamed! Love the name though!
chilledout - Mon Aug 14 9:52:31 2000

Can anyone give myself and my friend some direction.we r trying to establish a gay/lesbian support group in our town.(in aussie ) and r not having much success with ppl providing us with info to show the need.(like already established agencies in this field)we r putting out a survey around town to get numbers and find out what ppl would like from the service if it was available. Anyway if anyone has some advice,support or knowledge for us it would be greatly recieved.Elly
Elly - Mon Aug 21 0:38:58 2000

Elly - Try your state Counselling Service and AIDS Council. Also Country Network may already have some people in your area who could be interested.
Panther - Mon Aug 21 8:40:29 2000

Panther- Thanx for advice! Will try what u suggested. ;o)Elly.
Elly - Mon Aug 21 11:49:31 2000

Hey guys. My boyfriend recently came out to his mother. It was expected that she'd be somewhat concerned or even upset, but she has totally disowned him. She practically told him she hates him and is repulsed by who he is. She has forbidden him to tell anyone and as you can imagine he wants out of the house. We have been trying to arrange this but we are both uni students with very little money. Youth allowance doesn't apply to either of us because of our parent's income and we aren't being physically abused. Meanwhile my boyfriend is on the verge of depression and he wants nothing more than to get out and start again without them. Youth allowance requires the parents to practically disown the child before they give any money out, and they wont do it to spite him. I'd love any advice from people in simmilar situations? Please help! No one else will!
MelbStudent. - Mon Aug 21 21:49:17 2000

Sorry for the double post. Forgot my email address! Sorry!
Mon Aug 21 21:50:23 2000

MelbStudent - In NSW we have an organisation called 2010 which can assist or offer a referal in cases like your boyfriends. I am not sure who to call in Victoria. Try phoning 2010 or the Melbourne Gay and Lesbian Switchboard. Other things to try are to get support of his other family members and to talk with the University Union Gay and Lesbian officer or group.
Panther - Tue Aug 22 8:34:31 2000

Thanks for your help guys. My boyfriend is too nice and doesn't want to divide his family over this so he wont tell family members now until (we hope) his mum cools down. We talked to councillors but as yet have not contacted queer support. We kinda don't like being labled in that "club". We have all the normal friends and are straight acting. Its not our thing but in this case we'll probably have to go chat to them. Thanks for all your support to the people who emailed me aswel! I'll let you know how things work out.
MelbStudent - Wed Aug 23 23:03:25 2000

menmakemepuke - Tue Aug 8 11:50:41 2000 - Maybe you should change your handle. "menmakemepuke" isn't a very positive way of phrasing your sexuality - and it just reinforces the stereotype that all lesbians are man haters (misandrists). Perhaps a handle like "girls yum yum" or "pussycat" would be more positive and not offend half the population.
Fri Aug 25 0:58:08 2000

Hi all, it's great to hear the success stories out there. I was just wondering (this is probably the wrong forum for this, but) I am going to in Canberra in a few weekends, and I was wondering if there was some place I could go to pick up other guys. I'm under 18, hence my waiting till I'm in Canberra (different laws), and I think that it's mighty unfair that straight friends of mine can go just about anywhere they please and not have to worry about whether or not the person they've been eyeing at the bar is gay or not. I'm sort of hoping there's a cafe or other friendly sort of place where gay guys can meet. Although I'm heaps interested in finding a boyfriend, I'd be happy to just have a friendly chat. I'd be grateful for any suggestions. Thanx everyone.
naive16aus - Fri Aug 25 21:57:56 2000

**Going Bonkers**, don't know how often u come back to check this board, but i am in a similar situation as yourself...don't worry, i'm not looking to meet anyone, that is not my intent, but if you want to talk to someone about this, (who is kinda in a similar situation), go out for coffee (whatever), let me know.
clary-t - Mon Aug 28 14:14:15 2000

Clary-t - I'm going to Canberra on the 2nd of September just for day, because some some friends of mine are interested in the defence force. Email me at ronwaldon@gtr1.zzn.com and we might sort something out. Hope to hear from you.
naive16aus - Tue Aug 29 12:13:42 2000

Sorry about that last post, clary-t. I was so excited that someone appeared to be replying to my post, that I didn't porperly analyse it, to check if it was for me. Sorry. Boy-O do I feel like I've just inducted myself into the halls of the perpetually pathetic. Sorry.
naive (and stupid) 16 aus - Tue Aug 29 22:38:20 2000

For all those creative "closeteers", this is the way I came out to my mum. I took a photo of my self "in the closet" and handed it too her along with a photo of me "out". She didn't take it seriously (but who does on April 1??) and there was a news article about "genetic markers" of homosexuals in the paper the same day, so I tried that and they asked me why I was a textbook case? But they were cool about it all and my mum's taking the habit of mucking about with my ex-boyfriend (jokes and pranks) so she's pretty god like that. All that I can really say is to accept the initial shock and give them time. Expect to be told some not-so-nice things about yourself, but they'll get over it. Anybody want to talk can contact me at rlarcombe@hotmail.com
young and stupid18 - Thu Aug 31 17:48:14 2000

Personal ad deleted. Please use Pinkboard Personals.

,,
.h - Mon Sep 25 0:26:13 2000

i take it no one has any problems anymore... good to see, but if not write and we will see if we can help.. :)
Tue Sep 26 1:49:58 2000

Hi there all, well i don't know where to start? i have never had a boyfriend, and have had a hard life. being out on my own since i was 16yo. i don't know why i can't seem to meet a guy and get a relationship going on? or just true and honest friends. i feel like i am going to be on my own forever. why does gay life have to be like this? i am a careing and honest guy, but people just use me and spit me out. it just hurts alot, and not seeing/having a family does not help. i'll come and check in and see what advice you can give me hugs to you all
oztech@iprimus.com.au - Wed Sep 27 18:55:03 2000

Getting a guy, and getting a relationship sounds like the easiest thing in the world but even guys with many more years than you at it find it surprisingly hard. I think people finding partners is actually pretty difficult right across the spectrum of humanity. So, don't consider it a surprise or a failing on your part that you haven't managed to do what just about everyone on earth is trying to! What's much more concerning however is that your contact with other gay men leaves you feeling used and discarded. Perhaps you are expecting sexual encounters to develop into something else? If that sounds accurate I'd encourage you to try socialising in non-pickup type situations with other young gays with common interests (glyssn is one to start with) and perhaps with volunteer activities with an organisation like mardi gras workshop, where you can make real friends , meet people and if you're really lucky - meet someone special that you like.
H&C - Wed Sep 27 21:09:50 2000

Hello, I am a 19 y/o m who has returned to hobart after spending the year in Melbourne making friends and having fun. But since my return I feel a little wierd. I haven't got any gay friends here, and feel that I am missing out on enjoying some experiences that others are having. I normally wouldn't write any of this, but I do need someones help, and I am hoping he or she is going to read this. How do I go about meeting others like myself without going to the one queer nightclub we sort of have? Is there anyone else from Hobart feeling like a fish out of water?
dazed and confused - Wed Sep 27 22:33:13 2000

Oztech, it is very hard to find the right kind of guy as in all relationships. I also have never had a boyfriend or any close gay friends and find it hard to find any that I feel comfortable spending any time with. The only person I have ever come close to telling about myself (a guy I liked alot!!) gave me a really awful look that just stopped me in my track-didn't see him much after that.....anyway, sounds like H&C has some great ideas about getting involved in volunteer activities if you're outgoing enough for it. Have been edging closer to going to a support group or volunterring at a gay org for some time now but can't seem to get up the courage to do so. If anyone knows, is there a support group in the Inner West of Sydney for shy guys around my age(22)? I think part of my reluctance is that I also feel uncomfortable about my appearance (87Kilos-sparetyre!!! blagh!) Would greatly appreciate any advice anyone has on any 'cosy' places to go (no clubs or pubs though....ughh!) Thanks for your efforts and would just like to add that this site is a great idea!!!
ShySquishyGuy :) - Wed Sep 27 22:48:54 2000

Hello, how are we all? That's good. My problem is simple, my friends are christians and they take a dim view to a gay lifestyle. A lifestyle that I have become accustomed to. They have asked me to move with them. I said yes, this was few months ago, and they have only recently found God. I really want them to know that Iam gay, and if I move in with them, then they will surely know after a while. How do I tell them? Has anyone else had this problem and how did you handle it? I think it would be funny to tell them and see the look on their face, but at the same time I don't want to sacrifice our friendships.
faithless - Thu Sep 28 21:25:56 2000

If you can accept the embarrassing fact of their recent conversion to a middle-eastern cult that is symbolised by an act of torture, they should be able to accept that you go to discos with big-boned girls, and to bed with men...
Fri Sep 29 15:05:48 2000

Hi to Shy Squishy Guy and Oztech. If you're looking for support groups, try 2010 - I think it's run by ACON and is listed on the Community Groups listings here on Pinkboard - along with many other support groups. I guess the most important thing to do is find a circle of friends that you can just go out and have fun with. I know many people feel uncomfortable with the thought of going to clubs / pubs on their own - but with others it's usually a lot of fun. Otherwise you can all go to movies or eat out or whatever takes your fancy. It's just important to socialise though, and getting involved in one of these groups may be a step in the right direction. Good luck! erkoboy32@hotmail.com.au
EB - Fri Sep 29 16:10:41 2000

Hi there all. to H&C also ShySquishyGuy. Thank you very much for your notes. H&C yours was great, hugs to ya buddy and ShySquishyGuy same goes for you to man. i really hope you find someone you sound like a cool guy. well to day still single (smile) oh well. when i posted that message i was feeling a little down. i am sure there are heaps of other guys out there like myself. well i just hope i do meet someone and have my first boyfriend. well guys untill then please take care of yourselfs and i will come back in and check out what has been said. later all. oztech@iprimus.com.au
Jay - Sun Oct 1 14:45:19 2000

ShySquishyGuy - Two groups to try - The Men's Coming Out Group: meets Sunday 3pm at the Gay & Lesbian Counselling Service at Albion St, Surry Hills. This is for men of all ages. If you are shy about going to that, call the counselling service and ask if you can be put into contact with one of the facilitators. ACON runs a group called Fun and Esteem. Contact ACON for details. (2010 is actually an independant orghanisation). It can be very scary to even walk through the door to one of these groups. But if (when) you do get up the courage to do so then you should find it a great help.
Panther - Mon Oct 2 12:47:40 2000

faithless - If you are not sure how your friends will take your being gay then maybe it is best to make sure you don't get into an uncomfortable situation. You will need to decide which is more important to you - that they remain friends or that they know that you are gay. Sometimes you can have both, but expecting it can lead to disappointment and possibly unpleasant situations.
Panther - Mon Oct 2 12:54:36 2000

Ultimately though, true "christians" should never reject anyone on the basis of their sexuality. Mythologies surrounding the life of 'the Nazarene' position him in consistently close company with sex workers, adulterers, gangs of single men, and with a mother who, by her own admission, conceived out of wedlock with a guy she considered 'immaculate' & 'godlike', and who in no way resembled her reliable, cuckolded fiancee, Joseph.
Thu Oct 5 1:48:43 2000

faithless:get yourself some new friends. friends are people who like you for what you are. people who "take a dim view of the gay lifestyle" can not possibly be your friends. Aquaintences perhaps but not friends.
Sun Oct 8 11:14:47 2000

Wow, thanks people. When you hear others say it, it really seems to make so much more sense. Thanks!
faithless - Sun Oct 8 11:35:23 2000

any kalgoorlie men wanting some fun?... please email me at youre_man@hotmail.com
youre_man@hotmail.com - Mon Oct 9 0:23:27 2000

i was talking to a guy in the weekend and he told me he was gay and so i told him i was a lesbian and we were taling for ages( although we were both really drunk) and anyway the next day his friends tell me he isnt and nobody knows about me yet so i dont lnow if he will tell everyone and why the hell did he lie about that or did he.?... well i am very confused atm... but i dont suppose anyone can offer much help...oh well
confused.... - Mon Oct 9 2:47:35 2000

**confused**....I think if your so-called friend was lying, then it was pretty slack of him to set you up like that. That's why you should come out when the surrounds are right and the people/person you want to disclose it to, is someone of good character and trust. It's always hard to think properly, especially when you're a bit 'tipsy':) but then again, we all make 1 second slip-ups even when we're sober! In other words......telling people you're gay (coming out)is a gradual process, so take your time with it and don't let people force it out of you, especially when you're in a vulnerable position. Good luck.
advice girl..... - Mon Oct 9 12:09:17 2000

confused- it's pretty weird that a guy would risk so much by saying he was gay like that (unless he's seen three to tango and was trying it out). i don't know if we could ever truely know whether he is queer and what exactly that means, but i know it's the job of a guy's mates to deny that sort of thing. if you're not ready to come out, hey, tell 'em you were lying too!
Mon Oct 9 23:12:41 2000

thanks... :)... you have given me advice and made me laugh at the same time...
Tue Oct 10 11:28:39 2000

when guys are the involved, it's usually not too strange to end up laughing in the end.
a guy - Tue Oct 10 11:37:41 2000

But,'confused', why were you sharing his confidential disclosure to you with his mates in the first place ? Hello? You probably just outed him unwittingly and all you can think about is wheher or not he has been equally indiscrete?
Tue Oct 10 23:46:07 2000

he talked about it openly in frount of the group... i didnt out him... although i admit the last posting was being selfish...
Thu Oct 12 0:11:23 2000

hey guys. i just wanted to share a story with you. i came out when i was 15 and was shocked when i found out how much my family really cared about me. i just announced the news of my engagement and i've been shocked yet again. i knew they liked my boyfriend but i had no idea of the way we would be treated- exactly like a 'normal' couple. as clucky as it gets. the reason why i wanted to share this with you is the same reason why my recent engagement is so meaningful and special. back when i came out 6/7 years ago (i'm only 21 now), i believed that i would die lonely. i thought that's what happened to gay guys. i never knew that there was love involved like the kind i'm experiencing with my boyfriend and the kind i'm experiencing with my family. i wanted to share this with you in case anyone else is in the same position that i was in a couple of years ago. don't believe the lie that gay guys die lonely. sure it's hard work finding love but being gay doesn't disquallify you from finding it automatically. having learnt this, my engagement feels all the more special. coming out is a long process as everyone says. but it's a lot of fun to prove that the homophobic myths we were brainwashed with are wrong. coming out is as much a process of getting these ideas out of your system as anything. all the best.
david - Mon Oct 16 13:03:36 2000

david, thank you for your post. you sound v happy and in love, i wish the best for you both. by the way, what are the tricks for finding a boyfriend ? i try but cannot seem to meet the right person.
Shaerin Magoodies - Mon Oct 16 21:28:07 2000

tricks? i think being aware of what you are looking for and not prepared to settle for anything less. that way when you meet a guy you can decide whether you're likelly to have your needs/desires met. i know heaps of guys who are going out with guys where they have to 'overlook' the things that make the relationship less than desirable and i wonder 'why did you go out with him in the first place??' so ask yourself, what would you (realistically) like from a relationship and think about it before you get into a relationship. good luck!
david - Wed Oct 18 16:39:00 2000

"not prepared to settle for anything else" makes love sound like a deal nobody clinches and a job that you never quite finish. Take what you like and be prepared to redefine what is perfect. Love, like perfection, is what you're able to be astonished by...
Marx Brother - Fri Oct 20 2:02:08 2000

hi everyone - I'm a 20yr old female living in melbourne and am looking for a support group to go to. Anyone know who I can call? My parents are really homophobic (which scares the hell out of me) and I'm too scared to go the the lesbian support group at Uni - I tried chatting online but it freaked me out - everyone was talking dirty and I was just overwhelmed :-( I feel great since coming out to myself, but have no gay friends to share this with. Please feel free to e-mail me at: secret_princess@gay.com
secret - Fri Oct 20 17:31:36 2000

Coming out at age 48. I have begun to explore the fact that I am a man who, coincidentally, is attracted to other men. An additional difficulty for me, which is also real for many people from all walks of life is that I had a really abusive childhood. This has made it more difficult for me to trust being gay, in a world where we are still walking a political tightrope. We are caught between the love of people who care about our freedom, and the vitriol hurled by new age christians and fundamentalist reformers. People on many other groups are also experiencing the same difficulty. Being in Brisbane has made it even more difficult, because the political climate here is still conservative. Apart from the difficulties stemming from my childhood, other factors have worked against me. My age, the fact that I wear glasses, I don�t dress or look versace, I don�t smoke (anything), and my strongest drugs are coffee and red wine. I am really sad that I can�t visit gay venues because they are full of cigarette smoke, but that is my choice too I suppose. However I recognise that I have loved myself enough to give up smoking years ago. Since then, I have always looked after myself exercise and diet wise, and am only slightly overweight. (Perfection is not the goal). I am as happy in straight company as in gay company, and I have done a lot of work on myself as a person, so that I now feel like a rich, full, and satisfied human being. Having said all of that, I am happy now to begin exploring my sexuality in ways that suit me. This means I have the right to say �no� to men who simply want to have sex with me because I have a particular body feature or shape, or �yes� to men who I think look attractive. I am aware that there is some inconsistency there, but that is me. The great joy of it all is that there seems to be nothing more exciting to me that holding, touching, and kissing another man in a sensual, sexual and deeply emotional way. I find it exciting and mysterious that the touch of skin on skin, an unshaved face, or a man�s tongue can stir emotions that I have never experienced before. The best is yet to come.
queenslandman@hotmail.com - Fri Oct 20 17:36:19 2000

secret - Call the Lesbian and Gay Switchboard in Melbourne. They ahould be able to recommend a group as well as being someone you can talk to.
Panther - Fri Oct 20 19:48:47 2000

queenslandman - why not start looking at your lists in a positive way. wearing glasses is not a bad thing, neither is not smoking, not wearing versace or being slightly overweight. you should feel proud of these attributes and use them to assist in the marketing of yourself :)) and yes men's (and most probably women's) tongues are absolutley amazing!
Shaerin Magoodies - Fri Oct 20 22:29:34 2000

secret... try chatting at Grrrltalk at ninemsn... the people there are fantastic and dirty talk is kept in private...
starla - Sat Oct 21 10:12:32 2000

I'd have to say that after reading all theses posts , it seems to me that most gay people really wish to close themselves off from the rest of society - ( whether it be due to some previous injury or a wish not to be associated with the rest of the cattle ). Why do you feel that sharing coming out has to be with another gay person ( I am currently waiting for one of my friends to decide if he's gay or not -and no i'm not straight or gay,or bisexual,or asexual I'm just me and do not feel i have to pigeon hole myself with a term). So perhaps if you trusted your friends( they have to be "real" friends ) you could tell them without the prerequisite of being gay. But if you feel you need the support of other gay people more power to you. Aslo i'm sick and tired of lesbians being rude to me when i talk to them just because i'm male ( not all males in this world only talk to people when they want a root and i just happen to like to talk with cross sections of the community and find myself shut out because of my sex just as some people get shut out because of their own sexuality) . So take a step back and realise that meeting intolerance with intolerance is pointless and just keeps the whole circle going ( oh yeah and this Nazism with uppercase on posts is really quite galling and also i cannot print my name as i have always printed it as it is all uppercase. Any other part of my post that you want to control?)
Dibble! - Thu Oct 26 23:43:47 2000

Dibble - if you are so hellbent on not pigeon holing yourself and others why then do you pidgeon hole most gay people by saying "they want to close themselves off to the rest of society". as for coming out to another gay person, it comes down to the different reaction you know you are going to receive. the usual reaction from a straight person is not very positive (i,m generalising here) whereas a gay person has gone through it and knows what the experience is like. maybe the lesbian reaction to you has nothing to do with them - it might be all to do with you and the way you approach them.
Shaerin - Fri Oct 27 15:53:59 2000

He does have a point about lesbians (not all of them though) being rude to people just because they're male. When I walk into the queer room at uni I always get glances (and comments too) from alot of the girls there, like i shouldn't be there because i'm not a femme gay boy. they seem to think that i am just there to pick up girls. i don't even like girls! they have pigeon holed me that i'm out to pick them up or rape them because of how i look.
Sat Oct 28 11:16:20 2000

Maybe you are pigeon-holing them on the basis of how they look at you...Maybe you are as misunderstanding of their stares as they are of your appearance? Body language is notoriously difficult to quantify and accurately translate. If you think you are being mis-identified, talk to the person who seems to have it wrong. You may find it was you, after all...
Marx Brother - Sat Oct 28 22:54:13 2000

when people say to me "excuse me this is a queer only space" i don't think that leaves too much room for misinterpretation.
Sun Oct 29 1:42:05 2000

Shaerin - So you are allowed to generalise and i'm not , even though i have made my opinion from reading the posts above? I approach all people the same - Maybe it's because I'm a blunt person but i do not feel i have to alter my behavior for anyone (be they male or female ). So are you indicating that if i want to talk to women i should change the way i act ( oh really how pathetic in a world where we are supposed to be trying to treat each other equally ) In response to Sun oct 29 1:42. I agree wholeheartedly with you. People really do seem to tend to attempt to identify themselves by their sexuality the same way as by clothes ect. Are we not all people who's opinions and thoughts (no matter how much we disagree with them) are valued or are we still operating on a Book cover system (as in Can't judge a) which is what you seem to be running into. More power to you - keep trying to break down the walls that others try to put up around you because of your appearance.
Dibble! - Sun Oct 29 16:00:35 2000

People should be judged not by their appearance, or presumed sexuality, but by their behaviour. I always go to big queer parties with a mix of gay, dyke and straight male and female friends. Often, dancing with a girl i've had people assume I'm straight(I'm a bit rough with scars and tatts) and got a bit of attitude. I usually try to respond with extreme smiling friendliness " Hi! Having a good party?" and they invariably either get over it or flee!
Jeff - Sun Oct 29 17:36:42 2000

Dibble, I wasn't trying to upset you, merely offering an opinion as to why the lesbians may be harshly judging you. I agree it would be nice if we were not judged by how we look, but by how we behave. Jeff i too have a similar problem (if that is the right word) of having ink and being judged because of it. but what can we do?
Shaerin - Tue Oct 31 5:44:23 2000

Shaerin - You did not upset me I was just illustrating a point. Anyway (i know this is obvious), but trying not to judge other people is the only way to stop ourselves being judged (in a perfect world)Also Shaerin, just curious but how was your coming out experience (not too positive i guess)
Dibble! - Wed Nov 1 0:06:56 2000

Dibble, apart from my parents shock and horror at having a poofter son, my coming out was not really that bad. i was lucky i was mentally strong and had many friends who supported me. i also had the attitude that if someone did not like me because i was gay then they could go and get f'd. i guess i do mainly associate with gay people, but that doesn't mean i close off any links with straight people who want to know me. How was yours, what did you do and who did you confide in?
Shaerin - Wed Nov 1 16:07:53 2000

when gay people are misunderstood, stared at or harrassed, i wonder to myself, 'why do straights want to close themselves off to the broader society'. dibbles, treating everyone equally is a noble thing to say. let me guess, are you a noble straight, white middle class male by any chance????
david - Wed Nov 1 20:20:56 2000

What is it with gay men's culture? If you're over forty, not very goodlooking, with a bit of a flab, non-white, and poor, you're 'history'. To my dismay, because of the aforementioned qualities, I am no longer 'on the market'. What gives?
qwerty - Sun Nov 5 19:32:33 2000

qwerty - Maybe you are looking in the wrong places.
Sun Nov 5 19:56:09 2000

Shaerin Magoodies (what a name :-) ) - In regard to your question, i have not come out. Mainly because i do not feel i have to identify myself sexually and also if i did decide to come out it would not matter as most people assume i'm gay anyway- and i don't even act effeminate (well on purpose anyway :-) ). Sounds like you were very lucky in respect to your own coming out , with great friends who are willling to support you. Now in regard to davids response. - Yes i am a white middle class male, although noble and straight are not words i tend to apply to myself. So if i was saying noble things i guess i have to be poor, ethnic, and female to be justified? And now i should take back everything i said for fear of being labelled fiscally superior (or something else). I have never felt so ashamed of being a white middle class male :p ..... boo hoo hoo why can't i be poorer and ethnic so people will lsten to me more....whimper....boo hoo.....
Dibble! - Sun Nov 5 22:22:37 2000

No, I do not think I am looking in the wrong places. I am employed fulltime in a responsible position and, though it does not pay much, it gives me much more than what I really need. I am also very active in various gay community organisations and spend a great deal of time volunteering. I also have a lot of male and girl friends both in and out of the gay scene. I am not into clubbing; the few forays that I had ventured in the 'scene' ended in disappointments so I no longer bother. At 44, I have not been in any significant relationship. The few ones that I've had ended when someone cute and young came along. I am not looking for a relationship -- I believe that when it happens, it happens. Mind you, I always hope that the friendships that I've made with some male friends will become a much deeper relationship. I work at it but I am not in a hurry.
qwerty - Tue Nov 7 11:10:24 2000

secret, I'm 26 and have also just come out to myself, family and friends recently. if you want/need to chat, email me at polytelis@excite.com.au :)
eddy - Tue Nov 7 13:49:28 2000

Hi, so it turns out that I'm bisexual. I have come out to some friends and have had nothing but positive experiences, not even suprise really, just enthusiasm because I mention it when I talk about a girl I have been getting to know better. In fact three of the approx 15 people i have told, have then told me that they were bi or gay too. The world now seems so much more open and limitless with opertunity. I look back to when I was 15 and miserable, not that I knew that I liked girls then, and wonder if I could have made it a happier time just by telling people about myself. And why did my friends show no suprise? Did they know me better than I know myself? Now if I could just tell me parents...
Apple - Sun Nov 12 3:52:55 2000

Dibble!, Get A Life!!!
L.l.. - Sat Nov 18 22:24:30 2000

.
Sun Nov 19 21:04:34 2000

Hi, I've just discovered this wall- fantastic. I am from Wollongong Uni, and am very isolated. My friends are mostly from school days, and only 4 know I like other women. I have known for 6 yrs of my love of women, but am finding myself feeling alone.. I feel alienated fom both the straight and lesbian community, and need to shake off this depression!!! Thanks for all the wonderful contributions... Here's to my eventual coming out... From S.
Mon Nov 20 14:53:05 2000

Hi, It's S from Wollongong again. I can relate to much of what's written above. It's like I live 2 seperate lives- I can feel safe in being Bi around some- but to 95% persent of the world, I act straight. Sadly, I robotically give 'straight' answers (no pun intended)! to family/ friends' questions about r'ships, etc. In high school I was teased about my stereotypical 'lesbianness'. eg. hairy legs, short hair. I was caught with a girl at a high school party and I find shaking off the fear of homophobia very real and threatening. I am transitioning (I think) from Bi to Lesbian preference/I.d. Not Easy- can feel isolating at times!!! From S.
Mon Nov 20 15:12:38 2000

S - Call the Gay & Lesbian Counselling Service of NSW on 1800 805 379 when you need someone to talk to. Monday nights is lesbian night and there should always be a lesbian available to talk to. All the best with your coming out, and feel free to drop in here and share your experiences.
Panther - Mon Nov 20 19:26:12 2000

Panther - monday nights you can never get through - the line is always busy. It takes so much courage to call, but then when you can't make contact....arrrrgh, the angst.
hate this life - Sun Nov 26 1:23:52 2000

S - share your thoughts with the girls on Tit Bits - anything and everything is open for discussion -
and I actually know many gay women who originated from wollongong who now live in sydney and are prominant on the scene - so hang in there!
Don't hate this life - its what Y O U make of it. - Thu Nov 30 20:56:54 2000

Hello TOM I am 21 and had never had a gay.bi experience. If you want to share your problems with me, you can be assured of someone who can listen and offer for a shoulder to lean on. Drop me a mail at coptops2000@yahoo.com---dj
dj - Fri Dec 1 22:35:37 2000

Help! I am rather young to identify as a lesbian, but I am sure of it. I am in high school and I have been attracted to other girls since the beginning of year 5 and I am in desperate need of support. I don't know anybody else who is gay and I am very depressed. In fact, I have been quite suicidal for a while now. The only person I have told (untill recently) didn't even believe me and told me it was just a phase and that it would go away. But it never did. I told a close friend of mine who is much older than I a few weeks ago, who is straight, and she was great about it. But I need more than that. I have never been in a sexual relationship with a guy or a girl and I really feel a need to explore. People of either gender just don't seem to be interested in me. I hate having to keep up this whole bloody act that I am straight around all of my friends. And apart from this whole sexuality issue, things are shit at home and with my parents and brother and they are shit at school, and on top of all this, I am mourning a death. I am in the middle of exams and my brain is swiched off. I can't do the assignments or even study. Sometimes I can't even eat. If you reply to me, please don't say that I am too young to be feeling all of this, because it is certainly real to me. I don't know how much longer I can go and these are only half of my problems. Please help...
Desperate - Tue Dec 5 20:50:03 2000

Desperate - You are not too young. If it feels real to you then it is right. It sounds as if you do need to make some lesbian friends and talk to some lesbians though. Call your local Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service. If you are in NSW call 2010 (it is a youth support network), they may be able to give you some referrals. Try to meet some friends over the Internet. If you get some support in this area it may help you cope in the other areas. If you want to talk to someone about your family and other issues maybe KidsLine (I think it is still around) can help.
Panther - Wed Dec 6 8:01:52 2000

Hey Desperate! There's no need to feel alone. Drop me a line and tell me what's up. I was once in your situation...and still am struggling to find the right moment to 'come out'. However, the situation at home and what's going on in the background, is making it difficult to feel confident with telling either parent. So if you'd like to talk, or *vent out* about anything - email me on: chloride400@hotmail.com
females4ever - Fri Dec 8 23:25:27 2000

Hi, this is a pretty cool site. I'm a queer girl from the uk and I'd love to hear from people who have simillar issues in their lives. I've managed to strand myself in the straight world through being too gutless at college to join any gay societies. I really regret this and now all my freinds are straight and its driving me crazy. Added to this I have an unrequited love problem with the sister of one of my best frinds. I can't (or won't)tell my parents. My Mum has this problem with what she calls "Raving Lesbians"!!! I love her very much, but... Anyway, I can't change the mistakes I've made, but I can start to move on now and make some changes in my life - I hope. Anyone who wants to chat about this sort of stuff mail me. I love music, Science fiction, horror and popular culture as well as complaining about my problems. Mair
rigbymeuk@yahoo.com - Sat Dec 9 7:37:19 2000

Panther and Females4ever - Thank you for answering me. I am feeling better and I met up with a lesbian from 2010. She was really nice and it was amazing to just say to her "God Miss....is so amazingly hot. She just makes me melt". So thank you for your advise once again.
Desperate - Sat Dec 9 23:18:01 2000

Panther,i was just curious to find out what are your qualifications?
penny - Tue Dec 19 23:51:39 2000

University of life! Vive le Panther!
Di - Wed Dec 20 8:39:19 2000

Penny vs Panther....sumo suit face off
AWAS - Wed Dec 20 9:03:50 2000

Penny - I have trained as a phone counsellor with the Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service of NSW. What I give here is advice rather than counselling though. My only qualification for that is, as Di says, the University of Life.
Panther - Wed Dec 20 22:20:28 2000

hello everyone
Fri Dec 29 15:45:55 2000

Did anyone come out over the Christmas break?
Thu Jan 4 8:46:40 2001

Confused and concerned. Is there a book of instructions that states that you have to flap around like a real queen to be considered gay? If a book of operating instructions does exists, then can someone tell where to get it please :) I am having real problems trying to get a social life going. It seems that because I am very 'straight acting' that I am not ever going to be accepted by other gay guys. I get a feeling that everyone is suspiscious of me. At nightclubs, I try to meet guys or they talk to me but very quickly move on. Very lonely. I am who I am. The night club scene is not really for me either. Am I being paranoid? Am I paranoid if someone really is out to get me? :)
Sigmond F - Fri Jan 5 2:58:31 2001

To Sigmond F - If only an instruction book existed!!! The gay and lesbian community is as full of different types of people as the straight one. There are many gay guys that may come across to you as 'queens' and then there are those who don't. The most important thing though is to be yourself. You shouldn't change who you are just to be accepted. Be true to yourself first and foremost and ultimately that is what will attract other guys to you. Depending on where you live, there are generally other things to do than just go out to clubs. Do you know any other gay guys at all? Getting a circle of friends is the best start. Just be yourself, and be proud of that, and you'll meet like-minded people - it just takes a bit of time. Good luck! erkoboy32@hotmail.com.au
EB - Fri Jan 5 9:03:30 2001

Hey Sigmond F - I'm a 22yo guy and very very str8 acting like you are, my mates could not belive i was gay when i came out to them, they thought you had to do dragg or go to the mardi gras to be gay, i also found it hard to find other gay guys, but some advice, don't look in nightclubs or the scene if you are looking for guys who are honest and genuine. If you want to chat email me: jack21oz@hotmail.com
Jack - Fri Jan 5 16:56:49 2001

Thanks erkoboy32 and Jack - yes, being pissed at the world is a no win situation. Trying to meet genuine friends is not easy. Very frustrating when new to "allowing myself to be gay". (15 years in the Army tends to put your life on hold - big time) Just trying to fathom the complexities of the human mind - why have I got a headache? :) Any suggestions of trying to meet guys without all the stigmas, hangups and excess emotional bagage dumping would be greatfully appreciated. I suppost Brisbane is a little quiet for a late coming-out. Or do I need that safety net? :) (oooow I hate it when I psychoanalize myself) Thanks for putting up with my babble.
Sigmond F - Fri Jan 5 23:45:41 2001

Hi Sigmond F, I have just recently just come out, and I know what you mean. If you want to drop me a line, I am also in brisbane, my email address is john9702@hotmail.com.
Mon Jan 8 9:59:22 2001

I am a young 19yo gay boy in Port Macquarie. you city boys have it so easy. I'm really lonely up here.
Tom - Mon Jan 8 13:37:09 2001

I have been thinking a lot about being gay recently, and well, what can i say? i think i am resentful. Up until about this time last year, it did not bother me at all. then, i started to have a lot of nightmares which related to my childhood, and eventually I remembered a certain incident in my childhood when i was sexually assaulted. I can remember it all so clearly now that it scares me. I decided that i would not let it upset me, and that i would continue on with my life and not allow the person who did this to me have any power over me any more. I know my parents know about the assault, and resent the fact that they ignored it. I have also been thinking about it and believe that this was pretty much a turning point in my sexuality. I think that I was perhaps always going to be attracted to women, but from this age onwards, i can remember being a little scared any time i was alone with a man. This has carried right through till now, and if/when i have sex with a man, i need to be the one in control. The effects of all this were compounded when someone tried (unsucccessfully thank god!) to rape me. Once again, I am thinking about things in a different light. I am happy in my relations with both men and women in general, but it seems that i cannot meet anyone I want to date. Now, i am not too sure whether any of these things are related. I dont get all that upset about any of this, i think i have kept fairly levelheaded about everything.... well, gotten angry and then dealt with it anyway. Basically, what my problem is, and what i am asking here, is whether it would be worthwhile to go and get some counselling to see whether i can discover the capacity to trust men again. I am keen to have a relationship with a man. My family and friends all know that i am a lesbian (which is how i have chosen to identify myself), so that is not an issue. I guess i would like to know whether I really am gay, or whether it was something i chose because i was too scared to deal with the alternative. I know it sounds odd, but it is something that is playing on my mind. any suggestions? I am a student who cannot afford expensive counselling, so where would one go for something like this? I hope this post makes some sense to someone out there. thanks
AIG - Mon Jan 8 16:12:59 2001

Hey Tom if you would like a chat email me: jack21oz@hotmail.com Hope to hear from you.
jack - Mon Jan 8 19:11:47 2001

well im not out yet and in my opinion my mum now doesnt need too know it would only make things worse maybee ill tell her when ive moved away from home coz the thing that scares me is even though shes my mum i dont know how she will react but im out to all of my friends away from family and they are cool with it and support me so ive been very very lucky really
*kim* - Mon Jan 8 22:56:25 2001

AIG - Your university union may have some sort of counselling service. That could be a place to start.
Panther - Tue Jan 9 7:59:30 2001

Thanks Panther. I will check it out I think.
AIG - Wed Jan 10 13:48:09 2001

The sydney gay and lesbian scholarship association (sglsa) is offering a scholarship to undergraduate university students in nsw or the act. Applicants must be 26 years or under. Last year the sglsa provided scholarships of $1500 each to two students. Funding this year will permit only one scholarship of slightly higher value, to take into account the effects of the gst. For further information or to recieve an application form, please email the sglsa on sglsa@yahoo.com.au
john, sglsa committee - Thu Jan 11 22:10:07 2001

I can�t really believe I�m writing this, but I just need to know I�ve said it to someone. I�m British, aged 23 and until December 2000 I was engaged to be married. I broke it off because I felt like a fake. More than once she introduced me to guys � her elder brother, her ex boyfriend, the guy she�d been involved with at school � and I wanted them more than I wanted her. She doesn�t understand and I don�t know how to explain. I�ve been involved with women since I was 16 and there�s never been a problem, or not often. What I tell her is I�m too young to make a commitment, but she knows me and she knows I�m not telling the truth. Two weeks ago I was working with a black guy on quite a physical job. He was three years older than I am. We didn�t even touch each other but it was the most special/tormenting experience I�ve had for one or two years. He wasn�t gay as far as I know. I�m not gay either but I don�t understand what�s happening to me. There�s a guy in the main office who�s gay. I don�t fancy him, I don�t like him. He seems hostile to me, I don�t know why. I don�t feel we have anything in common. I was on a bridge two nights ago and I thought, jump! I don�t know how to resolve this. I have psoriasis, especially on my legs/feet. Does this make sense to anyone?
Fri Jan 12 13:20:03 2001

I'm sure your story is familiar to many people. Maybe you are gay or bi, or maybe it is just something you need to experience. I suggest that you contact your local Gay and lesbian Counselling Service and have a talk about it.

One myth you may have been misled by: you don't have to have sex with everything male. I am sure you are only attracted to certain women. It is exactly the same with men. Some you are attracted to, some you aren't. That is quite OK. Shared experiences don't necessarily lead to mutual understanding.
Panther - Fri Jan 12 19:33:13 2001

Dear Jan 12:20:03...what the hell has *psoriasis* got to do with your situation and/or your confusion about your sexual identity. Sounds a bit suss to me?
no it doesn't make any sense to me! - Thu Jan 18 12:44:01 2001

i am in similar situation to many above. am 34yo, spare tyre, str8 acting. Saw beautiful thing 2 weeks ago and realised Id lost alot of years to fear that movie moved me to making the decision. I have come out to me and gone to gamma. Now i need to start making friends - but how? scared that the gay guys i meet only want sex. want to make friends. any suggestions. not happy to sit at bar by myself, but can see no other option.
jem - Fri Jan 19 17:29:11 2001

Commercial ad deleted.

hehehe!!
Sat Jan 20 4:43:08 2001

Moved to PFlag wall.

ok so after reading this site for the past 4 months ive finally built up the guts to write something myself. well here goes.... i am a 17 year old gal and i have known for about 9 months that i am a lesbian. Ive come out to all my friends as i was diagnosed with Gay-Pride syndrome. I also told my mother and brothers but i have yet to tell my father and his family and i wont until im ready. ok now that you have the rundown on me i need someones help on this.... you see when i first accepted who i was i thought i was fine with it but when id go to a party(etc) and have a few drinks i would end up with a guy (innocently i didnt sleep around) but what i cant understand is why. i had no desire to be with them nor did i enjoy kissing them or whatever yet i still did. Away from partys and sober i would never be with a guy (no offense) So why when i have a few drinks did i go against what i feel. I thought it could be that subconciously i havent totally accepted myself or im hiding in a comfort zone but i dont know. Since school has finished i havent been to any partys and i dont drink much so nothing has happened with boys just gals but what happens if i go to a party or something,will it happen again or was i just accepting myself slowly. If anyone can help please comment.
weird one - Sun Jan 21 14:59:32 2001

re: weird one - obviously you can't handle alcohol, so don't drink it :)
commonsense prevails - Sun Jan 21 15:37:22 2001

weird one - I had a think about what it might be. You will have to work it out yourels though. Some suggestions: There are no available women and alcohol makes you feel horny. You could be bisexual, but haven't accepted or even realised it. There may be an event in your past that makes guys unattractive to you, but the alcohol breaks down your inhibitions. Try to accept who you are inside, rather than trying to fit perfectly inside the box defined by the label.
Panther - Mon Jan 22 8:05:57 2001

Ok hiya all :) now *Shock Shock* im gay ... woo... thing is i hate being definded by a word... Now im "out" people dont see me anymore... is this normal .. hehe *Normal* hahaha ... What i mean is ... is this just somethign that happens when people find out.. ???
IonKart@hotmail.com - Tue Jan 23 0:50:12 2001

weird one - i did exactly the same thing at the same age as you... in fact i kept on doing it for a few years. it got to be really embarrassing, but most people just assumed i was bi... for me it was a question of who was available! once i made a real effort to go to lesbian clubs and parties i finally realised that there was enough women to go around (only just) and i haven't looked back... the boys i was with back then were really sweet, but even they knew i was gay. funny how this stuff works hey? anyway, don't beat yourself up for not immediately becoming the girls-only stereotype, you may never be that. but you also need to be really brave, cuz it could be the case that once you decide that you want the real thing, you'll be annoyed that you wasted so much time!
cn - Wed Jan 24 12:51:32 2001

I'm Thirty today! Do you know how old that is in gay years? I just came out three months ago after my mother died, I did'nt think I'd ever be able too, but now that I have, it's been a hole new world, my family and frends have been very understanding which suprised me. Now need to met new people in Canberra. Is this possible???
Dave:-) - Thu Jan 25 8:47:27 2001

weird one - don't let labels dictate how you live your life. For so many years straight people have told us what to do and how to live our lives. Don't let gay people do the same thing to you.
Thu Jan 25 19:32:04 2001

new years resolutions. make conscious effort to accept self as gay. move from comfortable hetero-circles to scary new gay world. acquire new gay friends to help with transition. achieve by birthday(march 3rd)thus start new birthday year with clean (sexual)slate :) my story so far. came out to parents, friends and crush victim a while back. quite some while. all positive reactions. even crush victim flattered but not interested in returning crush due to genetic attachment to females. then, nothing. remain in comfort zone. no new contacts made. life seems to have been put on hold for me. hetero friends (love them alot)live their lives and I kind of tag along. but deep down realise that I am missing out on alot. want to take the next step. want to make myself comfortable with being gay. realise that self esteem is taking a battering because I can't make that progression.
charlie - Sat Feb 3 8:28:26 2001

charlie - Congratulations on coming as far as you have. I think you need to choose a way to meet people. Going to a social or sporting group is one way. In Sydney there is The Coming Out Group and Fun & Esteem which can help with this process. Go for a holiday to one of the Gay & Lesbian Festivals in your own city or in one of the other cities. (Mardi Gras is just about to start in Sydney and Midsumma is almost finished in Melbourne.) Within the gay community there are also friendship groups which can be difficult to break into. Don't let this put you off.
Panther - Sat Feb 3 9:28:40 2001

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