Pinkboard: Coming Out Graffiti Wall VI

Many people here are asking "what should I do in this situation or that situation". In many cases I would suggest that you need someone to talk to. We often know the answer ourselves and just need someone else to help us draw this answer out. Counsellling is really active listening, that is, hearing what you are saying and saying it back to you. So find someone who will listen, or phone your local Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service.

Feel free to ask questions or share your coming out experiences. If you have a longer story please email it to me (Panther).

Hi, I am a 19yo male, and have decided to come out only this week. So far I have told my mum and some close friends I still have a long way to go, and I still have to tell my dad, I think he is going to be the hardest hit. I was surprized at my mothers reaction, she took it quite smoothly, I didn't even see her cry, yet I couldn't stop!. The one and only thing I will never forget is when she said "you are my son and I will always love you", it really helps to hear these kind of words at a time like this. I know it is not always the case. But still, I thought once i told some people the truth, that I am really gay, That I would start feeling better inside myself, but it hasn't happened yet! WHY?? My emotions are like a rollercoaster, one minute I am thinking, 'Oh this is great", I am feeling happy, honest with my self and proud to be gay, but the next minute I am thinking, "Why me?, I don't want to be gay, I feel like an embarassment to my family, and the thought of suicide had entered my mind. I still find it hard to get to sleep at night, worrying about what people are going to think. I need some help, some helping words of advice from people who have been through the same thing as what I am going through. How did you get over this hurdle? MATT
mattyp19@hotmail.com - Sun Apr 4 13:43:33 1999

I'm a 19 year old male and I went down to Melbourne during the summer and I came out to my sister. She was very supporting and me being her younger brother she was very concerned. She was worried that I might not find someone to love and would have lots of difficulty in life. I told her that I could handle it. Though this experience should have bonded us, it did the complete opposite. I felt even more distant than I had been with her before and after that night we haven't discussed it. When I got back to Brisbane she called me and it seemed as if the whole incident had never occured. I find it all very strange that we're both denying it.
Ronan kaidge@hotmail.com - Sun Apr 4 16:29:39 1999

Coming Out Story: Just Out

Matt, like you I lie awake crying until 2am every night. During the day i feel fine, happy and proud to be gay (if a little lonely). But at night..... I don't know why (cos it's the day now so im not sad). I never expected my life to turn out like this and coming out to my parents would make it real. It's a definite step in defining who i am, to myslef and everyone else..
ev - Tue Apr 6 16:11:03 1999

Matt - There are really very few people who's opinions really matter to how you live your life. When I came out I lost a few friends, some who I wish I could have kept. But at the same tme I was making lots of new friends, some of who are still around. It is the family that really matters, cause we can't change them. Though some people I know have abandoned their families because there was no acceptance there. You will find new friends and support networks if you let yourself.
Panther - Tue Apr 6 20:23:19 1999

Well, I'm at uni now, and I'm pretty much out to everyone I know (except my family) and anyone who has asked. Ronan- I kinda know how you feel, because even though I've met heaps of nice gay people like me through the campus queer group, all my friends from throughout my school life now know, and some of them just ignore it and distance themselves, killing our relationships. Some people just can't cope I guess (I think it might be a type of internalised homophobia on their part), although it gives no problems to some of my friends. I'm also worried that some of my now distant friends will tell their friends/parents and it will get back to my family somehow. I don't know why I'm so worried about my family finding out- if they kick me out I would survive. It's just that I can see their reaction being really patronising and embarrasing for me- something like "It's just a phase", or maybe "That's fine, but not in the house" etc. By the way, I just couldn't resist adding this quotation. I can't remember who said it, but it's good. "Be nice to straights- it took two of them to make one of you."
Jen Phraser - Thu Apr 8 15:39:58 1999

The hardest thing about coming out for me is that I am so used to the beautiful models on the net and in mags that I expect men at the saunas and bars will all be 'perfect'. The thing is, the men I meet are probably a lot more real, and a lot more human than the models. Now it's a matter of me taking the time to make the effort to relate to people as human to human, then as gay man to gay man. That order is important to me, because I don't want to use, or be used, as a fantasy trip without the rest of the package being acknowledged as valuable. The beautiful thing about coming out now is that it is much easier than it was 20 years ago (thanks to many brave people)and as a result the men who are available for contact are a lot more in number. Remember that song "So many men, so little time?" Well, the other brilliant thing is that I don't have to commit to a relationship in standard hetero terms if I don't want, and I can have a couple of relationships at one time (if I can handle it) or I can just have some casual contacts as the passion and love arises. Wow. Far out.
Harley - Thu Apr 8 22:23:41 1999

Come out? Easier said than done. Married, bi, 45, not the least bit effeminite to look at or talk to, in control of everything in life except freedom of sexual expression, experimentation and understanding - particularly from gay people I have managed to find and talk to. No, not everybody is a good listener. Nor, in my case, is a bi or gay person easy to befriend, if you are not obviously bi or gay. Also, how do you find someone to talk to when you don't want to offer to talk about it, but would love to get it off your chest if someone who cared asked, etc etc! Being something is living it, not just saying and telling it. A story does not become life, but life writes the best novels. From the outside looking in, the whole thing seems, like some club you have to join by proving something to someone. I'm beginning to get a phobia of str8phobia! So where are all the nice bi people in Sydney? Blah, blah, blah etc.
Mel (as in Melvin) - Thu Apr 8 22:34:07 1999

Harley - I agree that the media (including the porn media) does make you expect everyone to be beautiful. This also applies to straights. Look at a programme like Melrose Place.

Mel - It can be difficult finding someone to really talk to. You usually need to work beyond the acquaintance. Maybe try some of the support groups like GaMMA (Gay and Married Mens Association).
Panther - Fri Apr 9 8:59:43 1999

Mel- Australian Bisexual Network have a Sydney Social Group! For more information, just look them up- their address is linked at http://members.tripod.com/~DRU1D/gay.html
Jen Phraser - Fri Apr 9 17:10:52 1999

Hi. I'm Elizabeth. I'm bi-sexual, I'm pretty sure I am anyway. I've been asking myself what I am since I was 15, I'm 17 now. I would thik that I must be a lesbian and then I would think- no I can't be, I like boys. For some reason it didn't worry me until later,it seemed accademic. I told my mother about 6 months ago that I though that i might be bi- but that I wasn't sure. It wasn't as calm as it sounds. She cried and went to the bathroom and I bent over the sink.But she came back and held me, I said that I hadn't meant to tell her until I'd worked it out for myself better, so she said that she wouldn't mention it until I brought it up again.I only regret that it was at my aunties'house. She pushed me until I confessed. I told my Dad one night after I'd gotten home from going out with a friend who is bi. You see, I make no secret that I go to gay clubs with my friend, but that dosen't make my Dad suspect, he just thinks that I'm broard minded. he teased me once when I got back from one, asked my if I was a lesbian, so i said: 'close dad, i'm bi-sexual.' We haven't talked about it since. I don't think they believe me,They think that I'm confused or that I don't understand my own feelings, and yet they never wondered about their sexuallity, I asked them. I've only ever been out with boys, but I do know. I've thought about it consistently for years. I don't want to badger them about it, it's too important a thing for me to stand on a soapbox, we are talking about love after all. I don't call it 'coming out' I tell my parents because I think they have a right to know, anyone else, they can find out through conversation or if they ask I won't lie.I don't think that 'it' defines me, or is really 'part of me' it's something I feel.Like a breaze that runs through me and not everyone else, just a few. It's strange, new to me. I guess that's adolesance for you. I'm not that keen on proclaiming it to the world, not the least of which it because I'm still at school.
Elizabeth: charnas55@hotmail.com - Sat Apr 10 1:25:25 1999

wow so young and already accepting yourselves thats fantastic, i was a late starter 23 and know of older too it is an emotional time and the fantasy we had before can be a bit of a downer but in time after a heartbreak or two (sorry but most people will go through at least one "true love" and hurt really bad) you will be stronger and more wise to what you really want, it took me about 4-5 yrs but i needed all the bad things and all the good things to make me ok today. and unlike me for all your sakes be safe love isn't an orgasm don't fu#k to please do it for pleasure and if someone doesn't care about safe sex do they really care for you Good luck
r32 - Mon Apr 12 17:12:50 1999

I love my girlfriend. Very Much. and she loves me too. Yes, dyke. you guessed it. Problem: she is not interested in sex. The act: The topic: The concept as part of her present, past or future. We have been together for over a year and she assures me that it's not my body or anything like that... she is just not interested... Can a woman live with out sex... she says I just have to learn self control. Can you ask a person not to eat till they are starving and demand that they be reasonable and have self control. I've been asked to do that for over a year. I don't ever wanna leave her but everytime I go out and someone tries to pick me up I almost feeling like saying "yes, please take me home and f**k me till the cows come home..." What the hell am I suppposed to do.I don't wanna force her.. Anyone?Advice? Pleaase!
overloved-undersexed - Mon Apr 12 22:39:52 1999

overloved-undersexed: If you can't completely match her rules, and your relationship is any good, then what you need to do is negotiate something that suits you both. Relationships have to be compromise. We very rarely find someone we are completely match, so we have to work out how to handle the differences. For instance if she likes some food and you don't then you either don't have it, or she has that food and you have something different. If she craves that food then you probably go for the second option.
Panther - Tue Apr 13 8:58:23 1999

here I sit.I know I love a girl & I just can`t tell her.Well I can tell her but I never have.She is my friend , will she stop being my friend?I know deep down she whould respct me any way but I always put it off.I have tried to do it on numerous occasions but always cop out.Help!
cat d - Tue Apr 13 23:31:28 1999

Just do it. I know it is easy to say and hard to do, but go with your gut feeling. If you think she will be okay with it, then just go ahead, because having a good friend makes it all the more easier when it comes to dealing with those that are un-supportive. Good Luck!
Wed Apr 14 18:58:31 1999

Cat d - If you do tell her make sure you have another friend to talk to if things go wrong. You might need a shoulder to cry on.
Panther - Wed Apr 14 20:05:40 1999

This is such a cool board. I'm not totally out of the closet, kinda stuck half in, half out. Some know, some don't. I really dig this chick, my bestfriend. What a catastrophy. Plus I'm married and so is she. What's a girl to do. These feelings never go away and it's not difficult to love both at once. That is what I find so strange. Can't I have them both. LOL.
Girl Angie - Fri Apr 16 5:55:29 1999

Girl Angie - Some people do manage to have both. Rich men have been doing it for years - the wife and the mistress. So have housewives - the milkman and the husband. Though in both of these cases it is done behind the partner's back. I think it is always best to be honest in this sort of situation.
Panther - Fri Apr 16 9:06:41 1999

I'm similar to Girl Angie, out to some friends, not to others. For years (I'm 32) I have been O.K with my concept of 'self', but lately I am just not feeling right. How important is it to label myself publicly with a particular group of people (e.g lesbian, bi) and does this have to be the same way that I privately identify myself? I am mixing more with a lesbian/gay crowd and I am finding it hard to describe myself. I'm not used to people wanting to know. I am afraid of coming across to people as 'strange' or something because I am giving vague or differing responses to their questions. Anybody got any ideas?
cloudy - Sat Apr 17 22:04:43 1999

cat d - btw, dont tell her, she might be fine, but you'll eventually lose her, trust me.
loser - Sat Apr 17 23:10:44 1999

Whilst I belive that living your life the way you feel it ought to be is of utmost importance. I don't necessarily agree that people need to come out in a flourish. I think you should tell people that you really need to tell, but consider carefully if you really DO need to tell them. If it's going to make a difference to your freindships then why bother if it isn't going to matter anyway. If it is going to ruin a perfectly good freindship for no real gain, then maybe don't tell them. What will it achieve. Of course its up to you. Be proud to be who you are and then a freind accidentally finding out won't feel so shameful to you, and you will be able to see their narrow mindedness for what it is. The important thing for a person comming out is that it is your freind's reactions to your news that is often the most hurtful to you. Rather than feeling the need to tell everyone, maybe we should be dealing with self acceptance. Once you accept your choice for yourself, what does it matter what other people think. If people ask me if I am gay, I tell them honestly but also ask them why they need to know that. I have found that even though I live an openly gay life I have never needed to actually tell new friends or collegues. Generally they figure it out for themselves, usually after they have gotten to know me and already like or dislike me. In either case it has never mattered. Just like i figure out that they are straight and form my opinion. Another thing I think is important is the need to maintain stability in you relationships with others. Whilst you are comming to terms with being Gay and hopefully enjoying a new and ineresting lifestyle, you should also still do some of the stuff you used to do socially with freinds. So suddenly you are Gay (well to them at least) it doesn't mean you have to change in their eyes, be the same person you always were. Well that's my little bit anyway :)
Likkie - Sun Apr 18 2:15:53 1999

I think I disagree about not telling her. You know her best. I told my best friend and she didn't freak out. She said she was flattered. One thing to consider is that just because you tell her doesn't mean she will feel the same way. Been there done that. Even a year later after I have told her, we are still bestfriends and do all kinds of things together. It's really hard for me since I still have strong feelings for her. As for telling people, I feel they are on a need to know basis. If they ask I don't deny it. What bothers me most though, is when people make fun of gay people around me and they don't know I'm gay. I don't want to laugh cause it's not funny but on the other hand I can't say, "hey you're making fun of me!" This life just never seems to get any easier.
Girl Angie - Tue Apr 20 9:27:20 1999

Hi there..I have recently come out of the closet so to speak.I use to fool myself and consider myself to be Bisexual..knowing i wasnt but was scared to take whatever would happen if i openly came out...Im 24 and only the few and the proud know..my family does and few select friends and thats about it..well to cut to the chase here.I have this one friend..We have been friends for about 4 years.All she really knows is that i have been with a woman before, which i realize i should fill her in more about my life...She does know i have lesbian friends and always checks up on me and asks me about them and my relationship with them..She does have a boyfriend and they have been dating for quite some time...So anyways.I have always really liked this girl.But i knew there was never going to be anything between us and i excepted it and never brought it up...A few things hav happened to make me wonder about her and things.We hang out together quite a bit.sometimes when we go out she may grap my ass, or pinch my breast..Other times she jsut touches me alot.One night we were at a bar with another friend.she kissed the other friend then kissed me, but her kiss to me was quite longer..Then there comes this past weekend.We both went out with a group of guys and we all went to this bar.We were all having a good time and listening to this band.Well she turns around walks closer to me and says"kiss me" while she is still at a distance..Then she comes and gets right in my face..we are nose to nose..I was initially shocked tuning my face to the right she follows, i turn to the left she follows..But i never did.It crossed my mind, that it did. and we were face to face for a good period of time it seemed..Im not sure what im suppost to think of all of this or what "test" she is giving me or whatever, so that is why i have written this..Any input would be greatly appreciated...I guess i am jsut bogled by this..I could ask her but i know i wouldnt get a straight answer from her....Thanks sincerely
LovlytxGRL - Thu Apr 22 9:52:01 1999

I am a 23 yo lesbian from the US. This is the first time I have been to this site and I have just finished reading the entire board. It has brought up a lot of memories of what I went through. I came out about 2 years ago. It was kind of accidentally. I took my mother and uncle (he's bi) out to dinner and afterwards, my uncle suggested we go out to a gay club to go dancing. I had been there on several occasions but they didn't know. I had fully accepted myself a long time before this but was very scared to tell my family. Well, all 3 of us got pretty hammered and had wandered our separate ways inside the club. I saw this girl there that I had seen many times before but had never had the nerve to approach. Well, I finally did that night. We hit it off and spent most of the night on the dance floor together. I was so drunk that I had forgotten my family was at the club. At one point, this girl and I were all over each other on the dance floor and after the song ended, we sat down at a table but were still kissing and gropping each other. My mom walks into this area of the club and sees this. She didn't say anything about it then but told me she was ready to go home. The next day, she asked me if I was too drunk the night before to realize that I was kissing a girl. I hadn't thought I was ready to come out yet but I kinda felt that it might be easier to do now since they kinda already caught me. So I told her the truth. She thought it was a phase at first but now she realizes it is just part of who I am. I didn't have to tell anyone else in my family. My mother is a big gossip and outed me. I guess I had it pretty easy. Everyone else was pretty cool about it once the shock wore off. All my family and friends know. Unfortunately, I can't let my job know though. I have one year left in the military and once that is complete, I will never have to lie about my sexuality again. I know it isn't this easy for most people but I do believe that the responses I had imagined from my family and friends were so much worse that what I really got when they found out.
Cassie - Sat Apr 24 15:36:40 1999

i am a 28 year old chinese from taiwan. i came to U.S. one year ago. for a long time i have been asking myself the same quetion over and over again, "am i a lesbian?" well, i have one bestfriend. she is a girl. we are very close, or i should say "intimacy." we support each other, we share everything to each other, we like loving each other, though we never say so. many times we feel something is between us when we look at each other eyes, but we kind of "stop" there and hold that feelings back. i guess i am afriad. i try very hard to tell myself that it's just "friendship." i guess i just don't have that gut to face myself and tell her that i love her. how come something feels so right goes so wrong? can anybody tell me why? i don't wanna wake up ten years from now and ask, "what if..."
bay area - Mon Apr 26 14:34:48 1999

I am a 49 yr, old lady who is just now realizing that i am bi. In order to feel arroused, I vision a woman making love to me. I am afraid to persue my feelings, because the are no one i would consider sharing those with. I have tried to find someone who is bi or a lesbian who would help me to discover who I really am. I don't think that is selfish of me, but i have to know. How can something so right seem to be so wrong ? How do I find the answer to be able to know who I am ? I appreciate any output from anyone. Is there hope ?
Kentucky - Wed Apr 28 5:49:45 1999

I'm 24yo Asian man. I'm feeling be gay when I live in Autralia about 4y ago but I Just going out around about 1/2y because I live with family, Know I live in the city and work at there. I do worry to say to my family about I been gay; A few of my cousin they known I gay, they are gay too. I remember my cousin when he say to family about him self and family very upset. I do worry and thinking will never to let the family know my self. I would like to have some friend to share time with me and talk or to cry on.
tungt@hotmail.com - Thu Apr 29 8:23:34 1999

in response to all the bi girls who have posted and still query their feelings - it *is* possible to live with yourself, easier if you have others you know in the same boat. please, please cruise the 'net for bisexual sites, there are heaps to choose from, and plenty of people ready to chat. without my own support group i would not be as happy and comfortable as i am today. i lived through the "am i a lesbian" stage and emerged happy with the knowledge that some days I am 50/50, some 60.40, etc. i am lucky to be also polyamorous (many-loving), but this will not always be the case. take heart, its a journey, but a fun one that will take your whole life :)
Felix - Sat May 1 23:54:49 1999

Thanks Felix your words are comforting to me. Some days are diamonds, some are stone....
Cloudy (with a silver lining) - Mon May 3 19:29:17 1999

Die all you homo's slowly and painfully!
Adolf Hitler - Sat May 8 19:15:35 1999
(Repeated about 100 times.)

great to see tolerance at work,did that make you feel better? may she bless you, she loves all
Sun May 9 11:42:54 1999

What's the point of all the labels, unless you are writing a personal ad. Butch, femme, bi, straight, lesso. Life is a long and changing experience and one word can never describe a complex human being. I don't feel the need to tell anyone I am a lesbian any more than I would feel compelled to tell someone I was straight. I am sensitive to the anguish that I read on this board because everyones situation is different. But, if I came 'out' to my parents they would just say "So? that's nice dear". Thought I found true love recently, alas not so, but when I do I'll be showing her off to the parents asap.
emma2 - Sun May 9 17:02:26 1999

To anyone out there. i am 19 and have come out to my parents and friends. they all took it pretty well. But i have just gone through stress with other family members interfering where they shouldn't. i don't know any gay people. i'm very lonely. I just want someone to talk to in Sydney. If anyone wants the challenge - sailorjoel@hotmail.com. You don't understand what it will mean to me.
Sun May 9 23:56:43 1999

sailorjoel - Since you are in Sydney try going to The Coming Out Group at the Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service. (See Pinkboard Community Listings) It is a place to meet people in a friendly non-threatening environment, as well as to explore your sexuality.
Panther - Mon May 10 8:41:35 1999

Anyone in Melbourne's south-eastern region having concerns about coming out to family or friends, might care to try Young Bucks a group for 18-32 yearolds who have been or still are in the same position. The group is non-judgemental, supportive and also has a busy social calendar for activities away from the usual gay scene. The group is listed in MSO and Brother-Sister every issue in the social groups and its facilitator, Michael, is happy to hear from you on 9772 2409 to give you more details. Don;t hesitate to give Young Bucks a call. No membership fees or annual subscription involved. Just caring fun-loving guys your own age. Hope to hear from you soon.
Michael (Young Bucks facilitator) - Mon May 10 21:23:24 1999

Do u think it is important to be out at work?, I have shared my deep dark secret with everyone else in my life but never got around to telling anyone at work. I think a few have there suspicions, and a few would be 100% surprised. Part of me say's its none of their business, you're not really that close to any of them, you're leaving soon anyway, why bother. Yet another part says, go on share it with them, help them grow as individuals, teach them that gays are O.K., shock them, make them think. Does anyone have any opinions? experiences with work they would like to share?
The Happy Poof - Tue May 18 10:13:56 1999

I mainly worked in factories, so i used to assume they were all meatheads etc. My last position i stayed in the closet but after awhile during the usual morning tea chit chat i found out a out drag queen worked there and most of the guys seemed ok they didn't poofter bash this person when they spoke about him, there was a couple who made snide remarks but i was shocked, not enough to come out but shocked all the same. I sometimes wish i was honest from the start as i enjoyed the place i was working and the people, anyway maybe next time.
bg - Wed May 19 21:14:53 1999

Happy Poof, Work is the only place I am out! Everyone is cool and I feel great when I am there. I was there a while before I let it slip into a conversation, but by then I had established a happy and friendly working relationship with most of my colleagues. Some would have been surprised but on the whole there seems to be no difference except that I feel more comfortable than before.It depends upon your work environment I guess. Stay happy.
gaychick - Thu May 20 11:35:47 1999

I am feeling really depressed... stuck half in half out.MoI am little overweight and mot gay guys I meet treat me like shit or even wore they ignore me. They dont have to want to do anything with me, mut it would be nice if they could acknowledge my existence.
X - Wed May 26 21:22:03 1999

when i first came out to myself (slowly over the last year), it felt like the most beautiful thing, to have finally accepted it. i have been in some form of denial for so many years. i'm 23 now. is that late? am i a late bloomer?! i feel pretty disconnected from any lesbian community though. are there any other dykes out there into things like drum 'n' bass, psy-trance and minimal techno?? i guess, the reason it took me so long to come out (to myself) was that i just seemed so different from the people and images in the mainstream gay press. i would reallly like to communicate with others about the process of coming out.
pluto - Thu May 27 17:21:49 1999

X - See if you can find somewhere else to meet people apart from the scene. Maybe a social group or even via Pinkboard Personals.

Pluto - I cane out at 22. There are many on Pinkboard who came out in there 40s and 50s. On the press, they find it easier to stereotype than to portray real people. The GLBT communities are extremely diverse. All we really have in common is our sexuality. If you look you will find others like you.
Panther - Thu May 27 20:23:32 1999

Hi. I am 19 and coming out to myself. My flatmate and his sister (relatives of mine) are the only others that know I like men and women. I have been aroused by women since I was young - I was so confused I had my parents take me out of the all girls school I was in - and when I was around 10y/o I told my mum that "When I grow up I want to be a man". From that stage I was severly suicidal, but this past year I have begun questioning my sexuality in greater depth. I feel that if I did have a 'sex-change' that I would still be attracted to both genders, but would feel more-at-home in the role as a man. I am also overweight (only in the past 4 years) so it makes it harder to meet both men and women. Are there any lesbian/bi people who would have a relationship with a larger girl? Most adverts I see are for petite or slim feminine women. I feel over-insecure about being lesbian or bi, for the fact that I am overweight, and that if it is affection I crave I know I can always get a guy, because to many any hole is a hole in one. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Sat May 29 1:08:12 1999

(Message moved to Love Graffiti Wall.)

19 - Don't be put off by the ads. People describe their ideal partner. You may be ideal in all but your weight. Or all but your hair colour. There are also people who do like larger people. Maybe put your own, honest, ad in and see what the response is. Also, before you make the decision to become a man, make sure you know yourself. I have heard many stories of people who change their gender, and then wish they hadn't. I know many people are happy with their new gender.
Panther - Thu Jun 3 21:14:21 1999

well here goes i dont know what I am I've been with men and It seems that I loose something everytime I'm with them I get lost in my feeling and seem to feel like I'm dirty they use me then forget me totally but lately I have been having these stirring fantasies about woman that i would love to try, but I'm scared to death of what my folks would do and say to me for i would not want to hurt them in anyway at all, but thats a bridge I will have to cross on my own I have to say to all those who have grasp there lives in there hands and feel good about it even atfer telling the people you love and loose by telling them you have more courage than I do Damn i hate this deliemma I'm in god bless you all in your chooses in life
confused - Fri Jun 4 0:49:50 1999

confused, outing yourself can be so different for everyone, but some of the things that are common are, you have been agonising over this for some time anyone you tell unless they know already will need time to come to terms with it, some will be ok some may not but as long as the internal pain of living double lives and worrying about everyone else continues how will you be happy, some people just come out others like me get all excited then realise my 23 odd year fantasy of what it will be like and then taking the steps to do it didn't match the reality of it all and i felt worse again but in time realised being me is more important than any fantasy or people pleasing, you can always dip your toes in the water without getting your hair wet, in other words if you try a woman you don't have to commit to a lesbian life but if you come out and realise you were wrong it could go bad, i had very bad reactions from family and friends very violent reactions and lost 90 per cent of my friends, but i decided it was time to live my life for me and be happy and i am ( p.s. my family are now great support for me and love my partner as part of the family ) whatever you choose to do be happy life is to short for bullshit.
richy - Fri Jun 4 23:14:38 1999

Confused - as richy is saying, be true to yourself first. In fact find out who you are first. You don't have to tell others until you are ready.

The NSW Parliament should have just made it even easier for gay men, lesbians and bisexuals to come out. (Nothing specifically for transexuals thins time.) Same-sex relationships are now going to be recognised as legally de-facto relationships. This gives us even more legitimacy.
Panther - Sat Jun 5 10:02:31 1999

What should I do? I need some advice from other gay people out there. I am a university student. I work on a casual basis but the place I work is really homophobic. I am trying to look for another job but it is so diffcult ou there. I am really terrified to go to work because some of the people really seem to hate gays.I rely on the money to pay rent so cannot quit but at the same time I am going nuts. Please help me someone
dux2@hotmail.com - Sun Jun 6 14:46:21 1999

Hi Dux, have a browse in the classifieds section of Pinkboard.....or place your own ad yourself. I don't know what industry you're working in, but hospitality is usually a great industry....there are heaps of Cafes around the place that need help and the hours are usually pretty flexible. Best of all, it's an industry that seems to have a lot of gays in it, so it's not so hard to go to work every day! Good luck.
Marcus - Mon Jun 7 21:01:19 1999

I've noticed alot of people having difficulty with the whole coming out issue. I've recently been involved with a woman 11 years my junior and she is also having a identity crisis. Though I'd like to make her mind up for her I just feel as though she must deal with the self acceptance issue. She'll never be able to make me happy if she is not happy with herself.
in love - Wed Jun 16 15:13:04 1999

dux2 - Without knowing more it is difficult to give advice. If it is a large company they should have an Equal Opportunity Officer. If that person doesn help you could go to the Anti-Discrimination Board. If you are in a union they can help you. If you get on with the management you might be able to talk to them. If you know you are only there for a short time you may be able to grin and bear it, especially if none of them know.
Panther - Wed Jun 16 22:23:40 1999

Coming out. Well I am 34yrs old and had been happily married for 13 years and then I went out with a girl from work to a gay club(something I have never ever done). Something happened. She was flirting abit and then I felt this need to kiss her. Well that kiss has changed my life. I have since found the most wonderful girl in the world to spend my life with. I have a great friendship with my husband. My children love my girlfriend and my parents think she is great and have accepted my decision to be out as a lesbian. Why does this happen after all these years? Yes I am very lucky to have the support of all my family. I had what was deemed the perfect marriage. Well all I can say is Thank goddness for that one stolen kiss. This has all happen in the past 5 months and I am so glad it did. So don't be afraid of your feelings. As the say goes "To thy self be true "
Jenny M. - Thu Jun 24 15:02:04 1999

Wow - Jenny M, that is quite the story. Had you ever questioned your sexuality prior to this? It reads like a fairy story! Glad it's all working out for you.
Sarah - Sun Jun 27 17:03:55 1999

I am unsure if I am bi or not. I am in a relationship of five years and now I have a baby too. I never want to sleep with him and lately its becoming worse. I used to be able to force myself but now I just can't and he gets really upset. The only thing that can turn me on now is thinking about other girls. But I am scared that if I do it won't be like I thought and then I would have either cheated on my partner or left him for something I didn't want. I am so confused. And another thing is how do I try it out. Its not like I can go up to anyone and say hey I want to test something out. *sigh*
jameskia@hotmail.com - Tue Jun 29 16:54:49 1999

I had never questioned my sexuality before this, but I must say that I have never been happier with my life and the girl that I share my life with. My kids are just wonderful with it all and as I said so is my children's father. Life is wonderful. May my balloon never burst.
Jenny - Wed Jun 30 10:33:32 1999

It took me a very long time to go thru the processes and realise I was gay. But once the penny had dropped it was places like pinkboard that made things alot easier for me and helped me to take the first vital steps. That was over 2 years ago now...if only I had known sooner I could have been having alot more fun!!!
MsGuided - Thu Jul 8 9:55:08 1999

This warms me that everyone is so open. I'd like to add my story but just can't.
Jo - Wed Jul 14 0:29:51 1999

Hi. I have been out for a few months, but have not told my family and only a few close friends that know. They have been great about it and I can talk to them about it. I have a problem meeting females, I guess that I am a bit shy and nerves. If any one live is Melbourne, I would love to chat with yours (as friends for the moment) ask for my email address..... thanks
Allison. - Wed Jul 14 3:38:50 1999

Jo...thats why places like pinkboard are a help. Sometimes you need the ability to just express everything the way it comes bubbling out. No-one is going to judge you here only support you - we've all got a story to tell of our journey to enlightenment whether it be good or bad easy or difficult happy or horrendous. Go back and read some of the previous coming out graffitti walls - some of the stories may help you and your situation and most will at least reassure you that you are not alone.
MsGuided - Wed Jul 14 10:56:47 1999

Thank you MsGuided - Well here it goes- I'm 33 and I know what I am. A woman. A woman who knows that she does'nt want to spend the rest of her life in the closet, after all I have been hiding there for at least 6years. Below is a poem which I wrote which pretty much sums me up.

The things that I picture inside my head,
to me are things that are not easily said.
It's one of those things that makes me lie,
It is the one thing I constantly deny.
I'm afraid of the outcome if I should speak,
the proudest of you might call me weak.
I just can't seem to overcome my fear,
of breaking the news to the ones I hold dear.
I can't rid the feeling of my constant panic,
I'm frightened this thing will send me manic.
I'm sure that there are others that feel the same,
I know what you're feeling, I know their pain.
My friends are people I would like to tell,
although I know some would not wish me well.
I don't want lose the security I've got,
but keep it to myself I no longer cannot.
My family is the one thing I don't want to lose,
I Lesbianism is the life I choose.
I know that they love me, perhaps they wont care,
but I'm too scared as I think they're totally unaware.
i suppose the worst they could do is totally reject me,
but this would hurt me, deeply effect me.
I wish they would realise and guess for themselves,
then I could come out of the closet, wipe the dust from MY shelves.
Jo - Wed Jul 14 17:42:03 1999

Matt, I'm 21 this year and like you i found it very hard to bring out that i was gay,like you when i told my mother she just sat there and started crying but she still loves me with all her heart.this subject of what other people think! stuff what other people think as long as your happy that's all that matters the comments will subside and they will learn to accept you for who you are and not what you are! Just live your life the way it makes you happy and eventually you will find someone who cares enough for you to spend their lives with you; i did. Don't go killing yourself it's not worth it beleive me I know let me tell you a story About two years ago when i had finished school i went to sydney to get a job ,I got the job but did'nt stay there for long as on the way home one night i was tied up, raped and left to free myself and find my way home. everyday after that i felt like killing myself but i did'nt because i found someone who cared about me mabye you will find the same one day.My Family also found it hard to accept but they eventually did.
mattie - Wed Jul 14 21:17:23 1999

Jo - Thanks for the poem. First, you don't need to come out all at once. Come out to yourself first, though I think you have. After this only come out to people you are comfortable coming out to. Maybe start with total strangers, like lesbians in another city. Eventually you may feel that you can come out to your family (though some people never do). It is a matter of confidence in yourself and your personal support mechanisms. Congratulations on coming this far. Also, you mentioned your security. This may just be an excuse you use because you don't want to get hurt. Living is getting hurt. We do recover, eventually.
Panther - Thu Jul 15 9:18:33 1999

Where does all that wisdom come from, Panther? I think it is amazing how you look after this board which has absolutely exploded, getting bigger and bigger this year. People here write that Pinkboard is a great support to them, just to know that they are not alone. I remember feeling the same way when I was coming out not so very long ago. Just wanted to say thank you :)
Rosie - Thu Jul 15 12:22:12 1999

Hi matt mate. Congratulations for making it. I came out 5 years ago after 35 years of worry and self denial. I have had a companion for 26 years hoever I never considered myself gay in the true sense. Now I am "out", I'm happy and proud. I never got the great drama that I expected. when I told my sisters all they said was so-I think they knew before I realised the truth please email m at imapopper2@chariot.net.au I would love to chat with a young gay man as yourself. We have a group called "BFriend" here to help others that are struggling with their identities.Well done mate. I hope it's all up for you now :-)
Richard Albury - Fri Jul 16 2:33:56 1999

coming out for me was one of the geatest achievements of my life .For me it was like starting all over again and being able to be the person I always wanted to be I certainly made up for lost time and had a bloody good time doing it. I was in my late 20s but i feel its never to late to discover youself. It is an individual thing that should be be done when you feel you have come out to your self and you feel strong enough to accept rejection from peple who are currently in your lives I think we should remember that if we do get rejected from family and friends for being who we really are, we should remember how long it took ourselves to come to terms with our own sexuality and give them that time to adjust but if they dont come back to you remember that the definition of family for us is so broad so go and do what I did and put together your own family of people who accept you for who you are. The gay community is generally a good community so my advice would be to get out and link in with it. Your local AIDS Council in your state runs excellent free courses both for young and older bi, gay and whatever people about coming out discovering yourself and issues that relate to you , its also a great way to meet others who feel the same as you do, so have a go im sure you wont regret it. I did and havnt looked back.
kevin - Fri Jul 16 8:22:13 1999

I just want to say bye.....
allison - Sat Jul 17 15:32:21 1999

2yrs today - it seems like a life time ago. To finally know who you are - or what you are. I look forward to my future and what it will bring - hopefully love and more happiness, contentment and fulfilment, peace, fun and a lasting relationship - because I know that I have all these within me now.
Catie - Fri Jul 23 9:43:29 1999

well i have no idea what to do i think i know i am gay but have recently had a family member come out to the rest of the family, and the reaction was not good at all...people pretended to except him but as soon as he leaves the room the jokes and teasing all begin...i have sat back thinking i should have come out first because i dont think i can now....i saw the effect it had on his parents and i know my parents will be the same.....we are a very close family and I know it would destroy the family if i dropped the same bombshell....at the same time i can sneak around because i am a hopeless liar....
Pete - Thu Jul 29 20:47:34 1999

Pete - Remember how long it took you to accept that you were gay? This bombshell has just been dropped on the family and they have to understand and accept it. This is similar to you accepting your own sexuality. It takes a while for this to happen. There are both advantages and disadvantages to you also coming out at this time. The disadvantages would be they might blame one of you for the other. The advantages are that the two families would be going through the same feelings and so have a mutual support network.
Panther - Fri Jul 30 9:11:54 1999

This is the first time I have checked this graffiti board up and I have to say that I am very impress by it. This page really shows the diversity of people in the gay circle. Congradulations Panther! What I am going to say next will probably make heaps of people laugh and think how naive I am, but I hope you guys can bear with me, so here I go..I am a 19yo chinese guy. I have been living in Sydney with my family most of my life. Being asian, I tend to be quite conservative regarding the disclosure of my sexuality. However, I Recently, I have personally became more accepting of myself(though I am still not outed to anyone). I had a few walks along Oxford Street and I was surprised that there were so many other asians who were openly gay. They did nothing to hide it!! I was amazed to see these 2 very handsome chinese guys kissing in Thai Panic. I felt really excited by watching them and I just wish I have the courage to as openly outed as them. However, I think it will be very hard for me to do so as my family(traditional chinese) thinks this topic is taboo. Can anyone give me any advice on what I should do?? By the way, I have no gay friends, but I would really like to meet some gay friends around my age who I can share my thoughts with. Thank you.
boy19 - Sat Jul 31 15:19:08 1999

Hi everyone - Jason from Melb Uni here.... I'm collecting stories for Coming Out Week at uni (August 30th - September 3rd) about 'coming out' or just 'being queer'. If you'd like to contribute, send mail to comingout@start.com.au Thanks guys!
Jay - Sun Aug 1 2:08:05 1999

I came out at age 20 to a very unsupportive family. Steeped in religion it was just too much to bare. My sister's reaction was to tell me it would have been easir\er to hear that I was dead. She and my brothers tried to stop me from telling my mum, but I persisted, stating that if I did not tell her she would be denied the same oportunity of deciding to accept or reject me that they had been given. She was upset at first but in time she overcame it. That was 10 years ago. Yes It is often difficult but for me it made all the difference.
Dermot - Thu Aug 5 11:03:19 1999

Jo, I loved your poem Lesbians unite Post more poems On this site. Louisa
Louisa - Thu Aug 5 11:10:25 1999

Dermot - Congratulations for your courage.
Panther - Thu Aug 5 19:47:53 1999

i am in total fury, and confusion. why is it that every girlfriend i have always butchers my heart? i cant understand? and why am i so quick to fall in love?
confused - Sat Aug 7 3:00:33 1999

Confused - See the Love Graffiti Walls.
Panther - Sat Aug 7 19:19:57 1999

I am edgeing my way closer to coming out. I am nearly 33 and have found it preet hard to come to terms with. How can I meet other women without having to go to nightclubs etc-they're just not my thing and I have no one to go with anyway?
me oh my - Thu Aug 12 17:04:53 1999

me oh my - That is a bit of a Catch 22. How do you meet people if you don't know anyone. You need to start somewhere, and it doesn't have to be a bar or club. There are all sorts of community groups from Coming Out groups to sport groups to specific national groups and even social groups. There are also other avenues such as Pinkboard Personals. There are events like Mardi Gras Fair Day. I hope you can find the courage to pursue one of these options.
Panther - Thu Aug 12 22:46:11 1999

Reading some of these stories has brought back memories for me too. Although I am 35, I only came out 3 years ago. I knew from my early teens that I was gay, but thought that I could push it away. I thought that if I didn't act on my impulses, that would mean that I wasn't gay, and eventually I'd find the right woman and marry and have kids. Well, I suffered through that for almost half my life. I stayed at home, never went out, because if I didn't go out I couldn't meet anybody. Eventually I fell in love with another guy, something I never thought could happen. He, however, was straight. I did talk to him and told him how I felt. He didn't speak to me for about a month, but now we are still friends, although not as close as we once were. I'd just like to say that pretending it will go away doesn't work. I wish I'd had the courage to come out when I was 16, it certainly would have saved me a lot of heartache. To you young guys and girls out there, if you know in your heart of hearts that you are gay, find the courage to accept yourself early in your life. Talk to a counsellor, or your local AIDS Council, or someone. Don't put yourself through what I went through, for it leaves deep scars that take a long time to heal. And when you do finally accept yourself, you won't have the social graces necessary to meet a lover, you'll be like me, too shy to talk to anyone. Like the saying goes, "Carpe Diem"... "Seize the day", because you can't go back.
Andrew - Sat Aug 14 0:11:33 1999

Being asian, coming out was difficult. But I came out to few close friends only 2 months ago. The feeling was great after denying myself for a decade I felt relief that I can finally be myself and also tell someone about it. I chose the right people, even one christian, and they were supportive, well, my true friends after all. I share similar views with "me-oh-my" who posted 3 days ago. So if you are 'she' reading this, wanna contact me for a chat or some coffee? mel_leigh@yahoo.com , I reside in melbourne.
leigh - Sat Aug 14 23:18:08 1999

I read this and feel happy then i feel depressed, good on you all you brave comer outers.
Davo - Sun Aug 15 2:53:37 1999

Both Lesbianline and Brothersister provided opportunity to make contact with gay/lesbian part of the community. Brothersister is good to place adverts in for making some form of contact with other people, but so many complexed people outandabout who are already "out" and have been active is not good to choose to just try and make people contact for having friends, let alone to try and start dating a few people. Not many people reply to the personals adverts also. Have done the acknowledging of being "out" in the world, but have to find people for company still which is a possible frustration never thought would occur! Don't want to have to just forget the word "out" and just continue daily life without other lesbian company to even be friendly with just because I've sighted some people from similar background and have not been able to find out how these persons came to find company of each other (whether 2 or 3 just out shopping,at movies etc.). Looks like an unfair dilemma that should not be happening, especially since the "gay community" is increasing in numbering! Did apparently do the "out" and find no problem, though think this is so as I am a femme, not a butch person. Wonder who else has same encounter?
Mon Aug 16 16:58:12 1999

WhatsYourName - you didn't leave your name. Sure do I encountered this as well. Personally I gather the problem lies with me not socializing with the right people, besides nightclubs, I suppose community clubs would be ideal, or even Metropolitan.C.Churches if you are religious. And be creative if you wanna catch some attention with your personal ad.
leigh - Tue Aug 17 12:22:57 1999

Check this out.I must be an old sloth or something. Its taken me nearly 30 years to tell someone. Given the social backlash from all quarters it waz not possible to tell someone without becoming an outcast with dire emotional and physical consequences. I suggest for anyone thinkin of the outing that you choose wisely who you tell. You do not need to tell everyone somethings remain private. I have found that amongst the srt8's close female friends were more understanding and positive than their male counterparts who seem to be largely still on the homophobe bandwagon. Good luck it may help to just tell I person than none at all.
Vanilla - Tue Aug 17 21:12:03 1999

0u0mmmmmmmmmmmm
Mon Aug 23 21:17:06 1999

I'm 18 and exploring my sexuality...if I try and tell myself that I'm a lesbian, part of me panics. It seems like such a dramatic statement. Yet when I try to tell myself that I'm bi, part of me disagrees because I have no romantic interest in guys and am looking for a female partner. Is this unusual?? I used to think that the issue of being gay/lesbian was clear cut, that you either were or weren't. However, I've recently found one particular book and this website, which both prove that you don't necessarily "just know" that you are gay/lesbian. I really appreciate Pinkboard!!
bec - Tue Aug 24 1:43:51 1999

im a 16yo from Darwin and i am comming out i told my mum and my name is Aaron, i told her i love it when a guy f**ks me in the arse and i like to swallow other guys cum.
Aaron - Tue Aug 24 16:15:15 1999

my simple comment would be that if you don't identify with what the media presents as the gay stereotype, don't worry. just because you are gay doesn't mean you have to conform to that stereotype. everyone is an indivdual, but you can be sure that what ever you are feeling, there are lots of people out there that feel the same way. don't think about things too much - your mind can be a drama queen sometimes :)
Sat Aug 28 9:07:12 1999

bec: you don't have to label yourself, you know. you don't have to be either bi or lesbian, it's not a dichotomy... all you need to do is be comfy with the fact that you like women. you don't *need* to rule out guys. sexuality is not fixed, it changes as you grow. you don't need to say that you don't like guys and never will. i myself am bi but tend to identify as a dyke, for some bizarre reason. you can be a lesbian and still like the occasional guy, no one's going to take away your title. *g* declaring yourself a lesbian if you're unsure is scary. so don't worry, *hugs* it'll all fall into place eventually...
Heidi s356102@student.uq.edu.au - Sat Aug 28 19:35:01 1999

thanks guys. I've decided that i don't want to label myself. I've realised that i wanted to label myself just so that other people could categorise me...which is the sole purpose of labels i guess. Whatever label i look at, it doesn't quite seem to describe me. I'm just beginning to learn that few people fit the steroetype of lesbian or bi exclusively. Its nice to know that other people can identify.
bec - Mon Aug 30 16:53:46 1999

Mon Aug 23 21:17:06: how did you do that ? Its cute!
Mon Sep 6 19:25:23 1999

My name Dazza and I love older men (uncut). Is this a bad thing. My cousin, vinnie says i will go to hell and that i should meet and marry a nice Italian girl who will do the housework. I'm I sick. Also I need info about docking.
Dazza the wild stud - Wed Sep 8 13:27:04 1999

Hi, we are a couple of students doing a research project on gay people in the virtual community. Has anyone got any feedback on whether the internet has helped in the process of coming out? -- or whether it has done more harm than good? All feedback would be appreciated greatly.
kate and brian (kahannah@hotmail.com) - Wed Sep 8 14:14:21 1999

Dazza - Sexual attraction is a strange thing. We can control it to an extent, but doing so doesn't necessarily make us happy. If you find an older uncut man that you connect with on more than a sexual level, settle down with him. He may even do the housework. Docking is considered unsafe as ther is a risk that blood or semen can enter the urethra.
Panther - Wed Sep 8 21:09:14 1999

Hi guys, the fact that I'm still queer-friendless after coming out to 5 close friends and visited some queer gatherings is putting me into an unhealthy pessimism. I'm too hopelessly quiet/shy at age 25, never had problems breaking ice with heteros, now you ask me to talk to my own people, I scared sh*t and became so unnaturally nervous, fidget all the time in my seat, don't understand why is this happening, suggestions anyone?
mel_leigh - Wed Sep 8 23:01:04 1999

Congratulations to those who have decided to come out. It takes enourmous courage I envy. I have made "important" wrong decisions that now make it less reasonable for me to come out and my heart is in pain during moments of solitude. I wake up each morning thinking of someone else, sometimes in tears. I do not know if I have chosen the path of least resistance or maybe the road less travelled.
alterego - Sat Sep 11 5:47:48 1999

mel_leigh - At a venue or a social group it is often difficult to break into existing groups of friends. That's apart from being shy and scared. Maybe meeting an individual first will be easier. They could introduce you to their friends.
Panther - Sat Sep 11 10:54:13 1999

came out at eleven doing toilet sex and busted by my father whose dick i was sucking thru a hole in the wall......................not pretty
slagged on - Mon Sep 13 23:34:34 1999

Talking Sexuality A youth seminar for WA Young guys under 27 years old Bi Gay or Questioning who would like to meet and talk to other guys around their own age do you have questions about your sexuality , would you like to hear from others who have similar feelings then come along to the Freedom Centre 134 Brisbane Street Northbridge (corner William Street) on the 28th of September from 7.30pm till 10pm phone Matt on 9429 9900 or email mtilley@waaids.asn.au, for more details see you there ?
Tue Sep 14 17:29:16 1999

G'day all! I'm a 28yr old Guy living in the Southwest outskirts of Sydney. About 3 months ago I came out to my Mother first and then my father and in the time since then I have also, with the support of my parents, let my 7 siblings and my 3 best friends know who I really am. I had always told my self that there wasnt a need to tell them untill I had myself a lover that I wanted them to accept. That came via the internet for me and was a beautiful way opening myself up and looking inside to see what was there. Unfortunately my lover who had made plans and bookings to come to me and make me his, died in a road accident but left a beautiful legacy in my heart. He gave me the means and the courage to Free myself and the sincere wish to help any of my brothers and sisters (You Guys) to do the same. This poem that I wrote took about a year to complete and that was before I came out to Mum and Dad. I used it to help them understand what I was feeling about being gay and although not directed at them they saw my innermost feelings about the way things were for me. This is for Matthew, I love you Darlin'.

The Freedom

Give me the freedom to be who I am, And not who you think I should be,
The freedom to finally take off the mask, And let it be me that you see.
I feel the same Pain, I cry the same tears, I bleed the same blood that you do,
I fear growing old and dont want to die, And want to be loved just like you,
I hide my true feelings behind a facade, And live only half of a life,
Pretending to be someone else that I'm not, Avoiding the trouble and strife,
In just being who I am, And being what I am, It's cause for rejection and loathing,
For fearing and hating, And discriminating, Though I'm a lamb, not a wolf in sheeps clothing.
There are those narrow-minded and bigots everywhere, Whose attitudes wont be changed easily,
Who treasure and protect the freedom that's theirs, But deny it to people like me.
The freedom to love the one that I love, In a way that's more than just friendly. The freedom to satisfy the needs that I have, In the way that, to us, comes naturally.
And natural it is for those of my kind, It's something we dont have a choice in,
The decision was made by genetics or God, The debate, we've never had voice in.
I've heard religous zealots, Who will most piously say,
That the way I am is unnatural, And surely not God's way.
But I know the truth of my condition, And I can honestly say,
That if God was my creator, Then he intended me this way.
The emotions I feel and the urges I have, Are not just an intricate lie,
I am what I am, And I'll be what I am, Untill the day that I die.
Even if evolution's the answer, And survival is based upon need,
Then surely that means there's a place in this world, For our ever burgeoning breed.
Some say it's unchristian to be this way, The bible provides all their proof,
But what of my soul and what it has to say, And this heart that too well knows the truth.
Why would you chose to be hated and shamed, Vilified, beaten, mocked and defamed,
Ridiculed, shunned, belittled, despised, See one little word put disgust in their eyes.
There's no greater fear than fear of the unknown, Never a truer statement been made,
But just stop and give it some thought for a while, Ther's no reason they should be afraid.
Most who would harbour ill feeling t'ward me, I doubt have any real reason,
Other than doing what's always been done, Indulging in social tradition.
Does mocking the difference in somebody else, Make them feel much better or stronger?
Or just keep society's critical eye, From their own lives a little bit longer?
No I didnt choose to become this way, At some earlier point in my years,
Why would I choose to live everyday, Surrounded by worries and fear?
Fear of discovery, My bridges all burned, The safety of Sameness destroyed,
The loss of esteem and respect that I've earned, The swallowing of lies I've employed.
Worry about family, friends and career, How would they change if they knew?
Would I get intollerance, indifference or fear? Would friendships I've made all be through?
What of the friends who have bravely said, "You can tell me anything."
Would they be there to stand by my side, When discrimination set in?
Would anyone be there to take hold of my hand, When my own strength just wasnt enough?
Would anyone sheild me when the blows fell too hard, And the going ahead was too rough?
I have many friends, For the moment , at least, But too few that I do love and trust,
And fewer are the ones who will see the real me, When I tell them the truth that I must.
I long for the day, We can all be ourselves, When it wont matter who or what we might be,
And the masks that we wear can be put on the shelf, And left there for eternity.
A day when there is no stigma attached, To being not fromthe same mold,
When we can celebrate the the virtues of each, And respect the value they hold.
So give me The Freedom and I'll give you my trust, Give me your hand and I'll be your friend,
Show me your heart and I'll share mine with you, Live and let live and peace can come true.
The End.

Hey I'm no Wordsworth but those were my feelings and they say a lot about what I was dealing with. If they help just one of my brothers and sisters (You Guys again) Then They've achieved their purpose.
Gazza - Wed Sep 15 4:18:34 1999

Hey Guys and Dolls, If you get anything from my little verse or relate to it and want to drop me an email or maybe talk/chat sometime. You can contact me here. paragonofvirtue1_99@yahoo.com
Gazza - Wed Sep 15 22:22:30 1999

I recently came out. I'm 15 years old and live in Sydney. Me and my boyfriend Jeffery, have been going out in secret for quite some time now but we only just recently decided to let everyone know. They're taking it really well and even supporting me by giving me brochures and other sorts of information to come to terms with my sexuality. And I would just like to say to all those guys who aren't too sure if they should be honest about it or not, I'd take a chance and just do it. It worked for me.
gayguy - Fri Sep 17 10:24:38 1999

Gayguy - I'm glad to hear stories like yours. I wish you happiness and success in the future. Unfortunately there are still lots of people, including parents, who cannot understand alternate sexualities. I hope Jeffery's family is taking it as well.
Panther - Sat Sep 18 9:06:44 1999

I came out to my friends last year. I have definately lost some "friends" in that time but at the same time have become part of an amazing community.One of my friends said that she imagined how sad she would be if her children turned out to be gay and my reply to her was "they would be lucky to be part of a wonderful community of diverse people and the only person who I would feel sorry for is her that she can not enjoy or understand this" At first it was hard to say I was a dyke because it some times feels like you have to pass some kind of "Dyke/Gay" test. People wonder if you are really a straight girl having a play. I know who I am and I love it. Be true to yourself and those who matter will be true to you too.
mellie - Sat Sep 18 16:41:34 1999

Is there anyone else who's not realised about their sexuality until they are 34 and married with kids? I feel so stupid not to have allowed myself to see the obvious signs that (with hindsight) were there. I felt so relieved when I came out to myself as a dyke and then to family. But that was 9 months ago andI'm living in a nightmare. I feel so trapped - it's too difficult to leave at the moment and my husband is depressed and threatens suicide. I can't believe I'll ever be free and able to live as myself. All my life I've done what has been expected of me, to a cretain extent. I feel as if I'm going mad as I have to play this role in life that just isn't me and my head is full of women. Counselling is costing me all I earn (not much) and I don't even know if it'll do any good. Sorry this is such a downer but I feel very isolated sometimes - the internet is a lifesaver. I'm in England, by the way. I don't know what else to say...
Jed - Sun Sep 19 6:11:34 1999

Jed - First, you can't take responsibility for other people's emotions. Your husband's depression is a problem he has to deal with. You can support him, but he has to take responsibility for it. The suicide threats are probably a way to get your attention, and I would guess that they are working. Second, don't blame yourself for what you did and didn't do. Put the past behind you, accept it and look towards the future. There are support groups that can help with this in Australia. I assume that there are similar ones in England.
Panther - Sun Sep 19 12:11:13 1999

I read a note on the wall from a guy who is confused about being gay/bi or wahtever and I want to give my ideas on this from personal experiance. I too have confused feelings about being gay and Bi and I'm 38 !. I ve come to the conclusion that on sexual preference we all appear on the sliding scale of life. There are those at one end, they are exclusively hetro and never move from that end.. call it genes. There are those who are at the opposite end, and they are exclusively gay. The there are those of us who move up and down the scale.... some times appearing at either end and some times towards one end more that the other and sometimes in the middle..... thats just us ! There is no use trying to force ourselves to be at either end, even though it would make it a lot easier. Bisexual guys are often rejected by gay guys as being "in denyal" and usually totally rejected by girls as being "unclean". We have a difficult position in life, but there is hope. I have lived with this for years but now have found peace in the knowledge that the sliding scale is a my home and I'm not going to be put at either end by those who have vested interests in seeing us catogorised. Good luck to all Bi's, we are the universal sexual companion. ;)
Paul - Mon Sep 27 6:47:57 1999

This is just a note from someone who has come out twice! Once as a gay guy and the second time as an M2F transexual. I've tried the living in secrecy route and it's far too depressing. Though it took me a long time to realise my sexuality, once I did, that's when I started to enjoy myself! Now I find I'm starting to discover even more, bi-sexual, B&D, Femdom. All I can really say is that at 54 and joyously out, to anyone who is thinking of coming out, go for it!!
Kathy - Tue Sep 28 19:59:35 1999

Jed - First of all congratulations - it seems you are aware of your sexuality and are comfortable with that. Now you need to work out how you wish to lead the rest of your life and go for it. I don't think you need counselling anymore but maybe a support group, so look around for one as they will be a great deal of help. Hang in there girl as the worst is behind you - really it is.
George (Sydney) - Thu Sep 30 11:41:59 1999

This Board is awesom...I'm 25 and just discovered that I am a lesbian, and would probably be fighting it right now if I didn't have an incredible girlfriend. I first came out to a lesbian friend of mine, and she was totally shocked (in a good way). I've since come out to two other friends who have both been very accepting. I'm dreading the rest.. my family especially. This board is an excellent resource for people like me. I just want to thank you all for sharing your stories... It's hard to come out, and this helps to know you're not really alone thank you and god bless
SeaTown Gal - Thu Sep 30 16:58:54 1999

Thanks Panther for your reply. I can see the logic, but things are sometimes so hard to make into reality. I don't know of any support groups outside London. Here's what I feel right now:

Locked away inside my heart
Is the life I want to lead
Locked away but always there
It's never-ending presence tears
At my grip on reality
Jed - Sun Oct 3 5:12:38 1999

Jed - In Australia each state has it's own gay and lesbian phone counselling service which can provide limited counselling and referrals. There must be one in London which can give you some referrals. From what you have told us I would guess that need to get the courage to leave. This is an extremely difficult decision. We also have an organisation in Australia called Relationships Australia (formely called Family Planning) which was originally designed for the heterosexual community, but which can provide some resources to help you get out of your situation. Maybe ask your counsellor what organisations can help you, or find a social worker in your area who can give you some referrals.
Panther - Sun Oct 3 20:49:29 1999

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light,not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves,who am I,to be brilliant,gorgeous talented and fabulous. Actually,who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us. It's just not in some of us;it's in everyone. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Nelson Mandela-1994 Inaugural Speech
yafotd - Mon Oct 4 10:20:50 1999

okaty, heteros' know thay are so without having sex, is it the same with being bi or lesbian? I have not had sex with someone of the same gender, but know I am bisexual. Do/should bisexuals come out to their friends/family in the same way a gay or lesbian person would do? Also, how do girls cope when they tell male friends they are bi, and are automatically thought of as a nymphomaniac?
bi-laterall - Mon Oct 4 22:29:37 1999

Ask ya self why ya should tell other of ya sexually interest when ya don't hear straight'saying , i'm straight , be who ya are not what other's want ya too be !!!!
FunnelWeb - Tue Oct 5 0:55:46 1999

Hi everyone, this message board is *great*. I truly hope you all find happiness and sort things out. I'm 17, male, I live in Perth and I'm gay. I'm pretty much cool with being gay, I've known for ages. Earlier in the year I came out to my cousin and she was really great and understanding. It was so hard saying those two words 'I'm gay' and I couldn't believe I said it but it *such* a relief. I'm kind of planning to come out to more people, maybe next year. (I'm still in school - a bit early) I just wanted to post the words to 'No Matter What' by Boyzone They're really nice lyrics and they have great meaning for me. I'd love to hear from any of you at muffinmoose@hotmail.com

No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true
No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back
I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know our love's forever
I know no matter what
If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answers
Then we would hear God say
No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true
And I will keep you safe and strong
And shelter from the storm
No matter where it's barren
Our dream is being born
No matter who they follow
No matter where they lead
No matter how they judge us
I'll be everyone you need
No matter if the sun don't shine
Or if the sky is blue
No matter what the ending
My life began with you
I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know this love's for ever
That's all that matters now
No matter what
perth17 - Thu Oct 7 16:31:40 1999

Thanks Panther, again, for trying to help. There are lots more support groups in London, but where I live, in Bristol, there only seems to groups for under 25's and over 40's - nothing for coming out - oh only if you're a bloke - nothing for women. So, I've upped my private counselling which is a bit of a struggle financially, found a brillient mostly dyke footy team (soccer) which is good. But it's so hard. Today, I confronted a really good straight friend - another Mum at my son's school - as since i came out to her 2 weeks ago, she's been ignoring me (after initially saying she was cool about it etc. She was so nasty to me, so hard, saying that I irritated her and was too "clingy" - she said it had nothing to do with me being gay, but I can't think what else it could be - I haven't behaved any differently towards her since I came out to her. It's so hurtful.
Jed - Fri Oct 8 3:39:58 1999

Hi Jed, you say that there are no "Coming Out" support groups around...may be just a "normal" support group could be really helpful any way because at these support groups you will get the chance to hear about all kinds of gay issues that you will no doubt come across eventually and a support group of this kind of variety will give you a chance to meet other gay frinds too. Also don't be turned away by the fact that it is hard to find a womens only support group (unless this does make you more comfortable) as I too am a lesbian and some of my supportive and fun friends are my gay male friends. Even though we are of the opposite sex we still feel the same about being gay. The woman who has started ignoring you may have issues of her own that you have made her confront.... You have not said if you have told your children about you being gay or not. Even if the children are young and you might think that they do not understand...they will hear stories in the school yard so it is best to be upfront and honest with them, you can do this in a simple way just by saying that there is different kinds of love for everyone. There is alo a couple of childrens books around for kids with gay parents. I think one is called "Laura has 2 mummies". I know this time is hard but remember you have taken the first steps, the hardest steps and the lonliest steps. Now you get to the part where you will build the confidence to get out there an find yourself. You will be able to look back at this time and see the character it has given you.
Fellow Dyke - Sun Oct 10 14:53:42 1999

Hang in there Jed! I'm 33 with a child and just come out to every-one I know. I live in a small country town but have had loads of support from every-one (especially my ex husband). I'm still single (only for the moment I hope!) I have never been with another woman, but I've waited for 20 years to come out so what's a few more months frustration.
y_not_66@hotmail.com.au - Mon Oct 11 16:49:09 1999

Hi I would just like to say that I'm 19 male and finding it extremely hard to come to turms with who I'am but not only that but what people will think and that song has made so much sense and helped me alot so good on you now I know I'm not batty ha ha
Mon Oct 11 23:38:04 1999

hi....i came out the closet....now im back in it i broke up with my gf....it was painful...but i know that it was the right thing to do for the sake of my future. think about it.....im not alone .....i know
kate - Thu Oct 14 1:45:43 1999

Kate, I hope you did not go back in the closet to give your self a straight future....if that is not who you are you will never truely be happy. I just broke up with my girlfriend too after a wonderful year. It hurt like hell but it was the right thing to do and I just think to my self that the next will be even more perfect. I miss her but never enough to give up on who I am!!!!
another dyke - Fri Oct 15 17:51:35 1999

Thanks so much for your kindness and support everyone. I'm trying my best here, but it's really tough a lot of the time. I just can't wait to be free - oh and to have a girlfriend...!
Jed - Sat Oct 16 4:50:39 1999

G-day I'm a 24 year old female who came out to a few people in the last 3 years but early this year I was outed by one of my sisters decause I went to see Marie Wilson live actually 4 times in 12 months, My problem is that my mother and oldest sister doesn't believe for some reason and they won't let me go out without a member of my family with me depends on where I'm going, I want to go to Elsternwick Hotel but I can't. I'm a voluneer leader for camps for St Vincent de Paul, I want to tell the leaders about my sexuality but most of them are catholics and go to church. There is one more thing, I met this lady almost 2 years ago and I've got this huge crush on her, I think I might even love ha but she's a heterosexual, should I tell her or let it be.
Robyn - Sun Oct 17 2:26:18 1999

Robyn - I think you need to meet some other lesbians. If you are religious there are a number of support groups that you could join. In NSW Acceptance is a group especially for Catholics. Otherwise there are groups with many different interests. Phone the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard in Melbourne and they can suggest some ideas. Also, there is no need to come out to people if you are not ready, especially if it is going to jeopardise the things you enjoy doing.
Panther - Mon Oct 18 9:16:03 1999

I'm an 18yo lesbian and after about a year of keeping it inside me, I finally came out to my mum and dad (it was such a relief i couldnt stop crying). Surprise, surprise, they already knew/suspected. Everythings ok now, I still feel like I'm always having to Explain my sexuality to everyone, my friends and my mum, but I guess they're just curious. My problem is this: I feel really isolated sometimes cos I don't know any other lesbians. My friends are supportive but it would be nice to have someone gay to talk to/compare notes with! I would like to meet other lesbians but I dont know how. I don't just want to go to a club and pick up. i'm not like that. But I live over an hour away from Sydney.......i'm quite shy too. I guess i would like some kind of social/support group....any ideas? I have absolutely no idea about "lesbian etiquette" or the gay scene or anything. All i know is that i like women!
E - Mon Oct 18 17:59:50 1999

E - There are a number of social and support groups around Sydney - Central Coast, Blue Mountains, Liverpool, Wollongong. Have a look at Pinkboard's Community Groups listings.
Panther - Mon Oct 18 19:57:42 1999

God only knows why I am doing this, but here goes anyway. I grew up in a small country town in the middle of central Queensland. It wasn't easy dealing with being gay, let alone discussed. There was a boy at my school who was obviously gay.

His name was Daniel, but I called him Blue Eyes, cause he had the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. He got knocked around alot. But one day, I was walking through the quadrangle, and three Year 11 boys were kicking and punching him like a rag doll. I sat there and watched. Unsure of whether to intervene. They were screaming "Faggot" and "Poofta" at him.

One of them turned and saw me watching. He yelled "What are you looking at?" to me. If this was what happened when you were gay, I wasn't going to say anything. He turned back and kept kicking him. After about 5 minutes they ran off. He held the ground like a child holds it's mother. I went over and tried to help him up. He pushed me away.

"I saw you!" he said. "I'm sorry" is all I could say back. "You're gay too, arn't you?". It was more a statement than a question. "I'm sorry", again, was all I could say. "Yea, so am I" he said, and limped away.

The next day, I walked into the school yard, and ran into the 3 same boys from the day before. "Hey, did ya hear?", the blond one asked me. "Hear what", I said back. Not really interested. "The faggot is dead" he yelled like he was parading a trophy. I ran straight to the principals office. Glenda (the secretary) was typing a letter.

"Did someone from this school die?", I asked. "Yes" she said flatly. Just as I burst into tears, my prinipal opened the door. He ushered me inside, gave me a tissue, and I sat down. "Did you know Damien Johnson?". Hearing his name stung like a bee. I just blurted everything out, including my being gay.

He just sat at his desk and looked thoughtfully at me. He gave me a letter so I could go home for the day. I must admit. Finally speaking to someone made a difference. But Daniel wasn't so lucky. For a long time, those deep blue eyes still haunted my dreams, but I've grown to forgive myself.

My family don't speak to me now that they know I'm gay. I was even refused to go to my mothers funeral. I've had to fight to keep the strength I've gained. It's always easier for some, and more difficult for others. But hopefully in the future, being gay, isn't going to be a major issue.

But violence is wrong. This is why, whenever you see homophobic violence (even if it's just bitchy comments), put a stop to it. God knows you could save someone's life.
OmegaMoon23@Hotmail.Com - Wed Oct 20 20:06:02 1999

Well here goes. I am now 25 and I am very afraid and alone. I went through hell when I was younger with rumors ruining my life at high school. I went to university and consequently suffered seriously from a psychatric disease for a long time. While there I had a very close friendship with another guy. He is supposedly straight. I have since lived with this guy for many years and we do have sex. I have never been honest with myself always claiming that I wasn't gay but I really want to spend the rest of my life with this guy. I constantly am traumatised as he wants a hetrosexual life and I am afraid of losing him. I am also not confident as I am overweight and I will never find anyone else like him. Nobody knows the way I feel. I often hate myself as my life is so screwed up. I wish I had the guts to kill myself but I can't. How do I come to terms with the fact that I will probably never be happy completely. I just don't know what to do anymore. Being gay (I think) is so hard it is slowly killing me, my life is a complete lie. What do I do???
Very confused - Thu Oct 21 17:41:47 1999

Dear Very Confused,

You're life is not screwed up. It may not be perfect right at this moment but you still have every chance to be happy. If you need someone to talk to who does understand, call the Gay and Lesbian Counselling service in your state. You can find their number in the community listings of this site.

Others have gone thru what you are going thru and they have survived just like you will. You are not alone.

Take care
Jono - Thu Oct 21 18:00:31 1999

Very Confused - Take Jono's advice. I would guess that your experience has taught you that you are not worth loving. This is not true. Everyone is worth loving! Especially by themselves. If you can learn to start liking yourself and believing in yourself then that might give you the strength to seek the happiness you want. That could be with this guy, or it could be with someone else. Your message here is a cry for help. We can't do much more on Pinkboard than give you a bit of advice, support and referrals. The next step is up to you.
Panther - Fri Oct 22 9:02:28 1999

Dear Omegamoon, I'm really proud of my (straight) brother for the way he stands up aginst homophobic violence. Although he tells me he wants to bash up his 16 year-old peers, I tell him, don't fight violence with violence, fight it with words. It must be really hard for him though, because now all the "macho" boys from his grade accuse him of being gay. But I really admire the way he doesn't compromise on his principles because of peer pressure, it's easy for me to sneer at those year 10 try-hards but not so easy for him. I think he's making a difference too. Another funny thing about homophobia is how people who previously mouthed off anti-gay platitudes renounce their attitude when they discover you- a friend- is gay. Since coming out, I have had several people come up to me and "repent". It's easy to diss gays until you find out someone you know is!
E - Fri Oct 22 16:49:21 1999

Well life is like a rollercoaster for me (being gay and all), I told a few of my friends and they have taken it so well, they ask me stuff like seen any hot guys latley and i reply "yes and no"... but i feel in a way shoved to one side (as most of us gay teenagers feel) because over on one side i can act how i want... but at home or around family i feel as if i have to play a diffrent roll. But for me i am trying to let my pearents get an idea!
Wed Oct 27 20:50:35 1999

H E L P ! ? ! I'm a 20 year old uni student and am having serious trouble coming out. I have finally accepted the fact that i am gay, but have always lived a straight life. The problem is, i still do! I don't feel I can tell anyone without their entire attitude towards me changing f o r t h e r e s t o f m y l i f e! It is so damn scary. I used to cry myself to sleep because I relised if I was gay, I will never be able to have my own children; never marry; and what religion would possibly accept me? While these issues have quietened in my mind, I still am so confused to the point of exaustion. I want to tell someone. I need to tell someone. But who?
Canary - Fri Oct 29 10:52:51 1999

I have just come out to some friends in the past month and am very happy now but i think you have to be careful who you come out to at first. i have met some gay guys at uni who are great but no girls yet. E, canary - email me i think we have a lot in common. ua960191@student.adelaide.edu.au (this offer open to anyone else who wants to talk about anything) Panther - you are a legend keep up the good work.
Kim - Fri Oct 29 14:10:53 1999

to Canary before anyone else can except your sexuality,You,must except it yourself. Being "gay " does not change the person that your are.you still look the same and eat the same food and your believe's in god ,will always remain the same, What people think of you or about you is sometimes a major concern too each of us. You are the only one that has to live your life and for every door that closes another will open for the better I know alot of straight guy's in there late 30"s and 40"s that have never had children and wonder why or how did this happen. For me, untill I fathered a child , I did not relise how my sexuality was trapped inside me,as ,much as the self denial that I had. I love my child and always will, but ,the person that gave my child life,I did not love and could never love, as much, as I could love another man.
seeker - Fri Oct 29 20:07:38 1999

Canary - You have told us you are gay! Has that made you feel better? I have found simply the act of telling someone, anyone really helps. Now you are ready for the next step - talking to people about being gay. I would guess that you don't have any gay friends you can talk to. Maybe you can make some at uni. There are also a number of groups for people of various religions. If none of these are right call your local Gay and lesbian Counselling Service and have a talk to them.

One of your questions was what religion could accept you. Have a look at the MCC - Metropolitan Community Church. I think they have a web site and quite a few churches around Australia and the world.
Panther - Fri Oct 29 21:53:43 1999

E- Sounds like you have the same problem as me...isolation.I'm 19 and have only come out to myself recently, and have not even considered telling anyone else yet. I don't know any other lesbians either. It's hard when you don't live in a city and don't have any support groups. So if you want to talk to me e-mail me at stardancer_18@yahoo.com By the way, I love this quote that most of you have probably already heard...but here it is anyway... "And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful thank the risk it took to blossom." Thanks to everyone for participating in this page...and thanks especially to panther...its great. It really has made me feel better...to know that I am not so alone as I sometimes feel.
Stardancer - Sat Oct 30 1:29:33 1999

Hey, my name's Pete and I'm 16. I'm gay but no one knows yet. For sure... anyway. There's this guy at school and I'm soo infactuated with him. I think I really realy like him and I can't stop thinking about him. What should I do ? Please give me advice. Did anyone else confront someone they liked ? ....write to me at chinaman888@ilovejesus.com
Pete - Thu Nov 4 16:21:25 1999

Hi Canary - don't worry about your faith! I'm an Anglican (still in the closet) and I find my religion is slowly coming around to accepting folk who are different). I'm probably a fair bit older than you but if you'd like to chat/ write, you can get me at samspeedo@hotmail.com anytime. Take care. Keep the chin up - life's fantastic, so don't get depressed about it!!
Sam - Sun Nov 7 17:35:10 1999

Pete - I think someone asked thsi question further up this wall somewhere. One of the worst things that can happen is that he will spread around that you are gay. This can lead to all sorts of problems, especially at school, where bullies will use it as an excuse to harass you and bash you up. Unfortunately discrimination is alive and well at schools.
Panther - Mon Nov 8 9:04:53 1999

Pete, definitely keep it to yourself for the time being, kids mock and abuse what they don't understand or what scares them. And lets face it they aren' too good at keeping secrets!! One step at a time, day by day!!
Tue Nov 9 11:10:30 1999

Why is it that I'm scared to come out to people I actually have to confront. I'm even too scared to tell my gay and bi friends!!! It's not like they wouldn't understand. i've come out to one person i actually know, she's on the other side of the country...please help me!!!
PurpleAngel - Wed Nov 10 1:54:08 1999

To Embrace Ones Own Identity We Struggle Defiantly For Acceptance and Survival.

Repugnantly quivering the humped child exhaustingly lay.
Battered with countless bruises the nightmare still remains.
Gasps of tearful whimpers choked the urine stained air.
Cold metal piping thrashing thy tiny body everywhere.
Shaking uncontrollable in a pool of warm oozing blood.
Tormented eternally at how you gave no love.
Anger, violence and your sick reminder of my blood kept on the wall.
Punched repeatedly in the back of the head, slammed door.
Threatened with axes and shovels the bashings raged with deadly force.
Suicidal I had no value and no self-worth.
Thrown hard into the fence I took shelter for the night in the kennel with the dog.
Cold concrete, dog biting and endless buzzing of mosquitoes.
Struggling, reaching desperately out for the kindness in hurt.
Pushed and beaten to the ground, strangled in phone cord.
Starved of basic food and milk, the storm pelted.
Trying to embrace an identity, I was belted.
Hatred grew billowing in a firing charred ash of disgust.
In your weakened mind I just was not good enough.
Locked in cupboards and hidden in a tiny attic room.
Silently awaiting the next jig saw piece of my doom.
When I so needed the guidance in love, a hug never came.
At 14 years old I ran to the streets and left the shelter of a mad man
Unable to slit another wrist for your demented perfection.
No more will I endure a lifetime of rejection.
If I was a brilliantly coloured bird in flight, my wings were cut.
If I was a bright bursting morning, the curtains were drawn shut.
If I was a conforming brick in a strong wall, I was bashed out.
If I was smiling for dreams in its rarity, I got a slapped mouth.
There was no tenderness, support or loving strength.
Thank-you for what you never gave to fathering.
Loneliness smiled at me when I entered the refuge at 14 years old.
The lesbian youth workers helped me realise that I was not alone.
Falling to pieces the school battle raged with being viciously teased.
At times I was dazed in total confusion at my wits end and on my knees
I sat in McDonalds on my birthday, all alone crying in loss.
Went back home to the refuge, I was given a card and a big hug.
I walked all the way from Carlton to Collingwood for Young and Gay.
Emotionally distraught I paced outside in fear of not knowing what to say.
For an hour I struggled to walk through the hall door.
To take the first big steps I was in total dread of it all.
Wrecked in a falling haze of tears I shook with courage and entered.
Although extremely late, I was greeted warm hearted and tender.
Fear smiled to happiness as the bursts of lights gleamed.
Slowely but surely this was the beginning of my dream.
Flowers streamed across the air as the past ebbed away.
The window pane was clearing, I was no longer a haze.
I made great new friends and we all reflected on the hurt.
The sun no longer was eclipsed it was beaming in self-worth.
Forgiveness and understanding that I was something new.
My sexuality and expression for you was like the morning dew.
Frozen in dew you could only see bits and pieces, scarcely a thing.
5 years later you cried and said how sorry you were for everyting.
I walked on through storms, hail, thunder and the dark clouds.
Falling in love at 16 years old I found that happiness can reach out.
So I touched it as gently as the wings of a butterfly fluttered.
I melted in the arms of a strange kind man that was my lover.
We rented a house and found each other and more importantly ourselves.
I am now 24 years old, writen a book that sits dotingly on my shelf.
It reminds me of all the hurt, pain and happiness along the way.
How I found myself and how I eventually came to stay.
We can scale the highest mountains and sail the roughest seas.
Most importantly when you find yourself, it is a comming out victory.

By Alan Antony Moody
alymoody@hotmail.com

I am proud, stronger and will strive forward in the committment to gay and lesbian equalities. If you would like to comment feel free to drop me an e-mail.
Alan Antony Moody - Wed Nov 10 1:57:02 1999

PurpleAngel - If you think it is time for you to come out, then you will have to confront your fears. My guess is that your fear is rejection, but try to work out what it is. Also see if you can work out what are the possible outcomes of telling your friends.

Alan - Thanks for your story. I am glad that you have found love and strength after such a horrible start.
Panther - Wed Nov 10 9:11:27 1999

Hi..I'm 27 and am still very new to being gay. I have a few girlfriends in the past but I have accepted that I am attracted to guys. I have only been with one guy and I really enjoyed that experience. I am not ready to come "out" though as I am not ready to deal with the reactions from my family and friends who have only ever known me as being straight. I find that I am looking at guys more and more now, and would like to find someone to be with that is accepting of my discretion and is willing to maintain that. Are there decent guys out there that would be willing to do that??
Stressed! - Wed Nov 10 21:00:18 1999

JED - I sympathise with you! i too have finally comes to terms with my sexuality.. but terrible timing i think :) I am 30, I moved to holland a couple years ago, me and my male partner bought a house and live together, I have an 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage, and although I have been considering my sexuality for a few years now, the idea of being a lesbian was abit too frightening to seriously contemplate.. well.. time has flown by, and not only do I happily accept my sexuailty now, I cant tell anyone..! I fear the same thing you are going through now! My partner would want me to move out asap (which I cant! no job, dont speak the language too good yet, and nowhere to go!) Sooo.. these past few months I have been learning the laguage with a vengence :) and start job interviews next week.. nothing compared to what I am qualified to do (because of the language barrier) but its a start.. and prepping my daughter tiwards the idea of homosexuality... and then I literally day- dream my days away with the knowledge that I can soon have a place of my own.. only then will I spring out of my closet with trupmets blaring! Good luck :)
shoop7 - Thu Nov 11 8:57:51 1999

Stressed! - No need to come out until you need to. Have a look through Pinkboard Personals. There are lots of ads there than mention discretion.
Panther - Thu Nov 11 9:06:33 1999

Stressed - I can imagine how you feel right now. It doesn't sound too different from my life. I grew up in the country where you were either a bloke or in deep shit. I did all the straight things and had plenty of girlfriends. But I always knew I was lying to myself. I played around with a couple of guys and I thought it just experimenting and I really am straight. All my friends played footy and were definitely the macho type. I thought that if I came out every friend I had ever had would disappear because my life was so straight. But it didn't turn out like that. A couple of months ago I told my cousin who is so macho it isn't funny (joking about gaybashing and all). when I told him he hugged me and said that regardless he loved me and would support me. I also had a couple of other similar reactions from guys I grew up with. Your friends can surprise you. Regardless the defining moment in my coming out was not telling anyone. It was admitting it to myself and accepting it for better or worse. There are people out there in the same position as you and the pinkboard is a good way to meet some of them. Good luck and enjoy who you are. It is only by facing the challenges and difficulties of life that we know we are really alive.
ML - Fri Nov 12 12:38:22 1999

Just reading a few of the comming out stories above and thought I would share mine.I am 24 and moved to Sydney about 7yrs ago but where I grew up was a small country town on the north coast I knew I was gay when I was 13 but dare not tell anyone as the few out kids at school were always picked on and beaten.This made me push my sexuality so far back into the closet that I had to go to the neighbours house to get it out. At school I did not look like a stereo-typical gay kid,I was big,strong,played sports and even picked fights with some of the bullies all in an attempt to hide my true feelings (which were that most of the time I would rather be f*#@ing these people than fighting them).But I was never strong enough to stop them from beating the known gay kids. This approach had worked while I was in school I had a few girlfriends and nobody suspected a thing.But that way has not really worked now, having come out about 6 yrs ago I still find myself hiding my sexuality to this day,even when I go to any gay bars etc I cannot let myself go no matter how much I try which makes me start thinking that maybe the big tough macho image was not the way to go.Sure it saved me from a bit of harrasment at school but a what cost to me now. Like the saying says "What does not kill you will make you stronger" Maybe it is best not to hide your true self. Comming out I think is one of the hardest things to do for any gay/lesbian person I just hope as time goes on it will become easier for people to feel more comfortable about who they are ,and that goes for hetro-people as well cause lets face it it is the hetro based fear that makes it difficult for us. Change their attitude and see how easy it would be.
Jerermy - Fri Nov 12 12:44:15 1999

Firstly, I'd like to say that I admire everyone here who has already come out to family and friends. It takes a tremendous amount of courage - an amount that I am yet to attain. I'm a 21 year old guy of Asian background, and despite the fact that my family has been here for over 20 years, they are still very homophobic. Apart from that, I have been fortunate enough to have been brought up in a loving and supportive environment, which has given me the strength to deal with the issues of being gay on my own, although at times it gets really hard. Like most of you, I�ve had some really tough times in school, uni, and work where I have been very attracted to straight guys, with no hope of anything happening. What�s worse is when that person is a really good friend, and expressing those types of feelings to that person has the potential to change a great friendship. For me, that�s the hardest part about being gay.
T21 (str8act99@hotmail.com) - Sun Nov 14 10:26:09 1999

Hi all. I am not sure when I last dropped by this wall, but it would be nearly a year. Great to read that there are people who use this board to get a bit of frustration and fear off their chest. It's been a year of milestones for me personally: promotion at work, graduated from uni, been to a few gay venues and made a few friends (and know a few people I would rather forget!) but most importantly I turned 30. I never thought that I would make it that far, but managed to pleasantly surprise myself. Guys, very few of us have answers to the problems you face, mainly because we face them also. For the record, I am from Perth WA and wouldn't mind hearing from others, local and otherwise, so feel free to write! Take care, and all the best for your new year plans if I dont hear from you before hand!
Andy andy69@start.com.au - Tue Nov 16 11:14:23 1999

Hi, I'm an 18 yr old Female from Melbourne. Earlier this year i came out to friends as a lesbian. The support, love and friendship they showed me was my strength. My parents didn't take it so well. My mother warpped views of christianity made her extremely angry and month after month i felt like a stranger in my own home. The internet, trough the use of message boards and chat room like this has been what got me through. Knowing that i'm not alone, however bad things may be, their are others who feel and have been through the same. Now almost a year since my 'coming out' began i realised maybe i did come out a bit premeturley, having now met the most wonderful boy, something i never had even considered. There is no doubt about the strong feelings i have for females and i refuse to hide that. I love who i love and that is all. I am still working out what i want, but in the meantime i just plan on enjoying every moment of growing up and trying to repect and be at peace with my parents until they can come to terms with it
Erin erey@start.com.au - Wed Nov 24 0:43:01 1999

ML If you ever pass by here again.. thank you. Your story is very similar to mine, and it's good to hear someone else's look through life. I have only just found this site .. it is great. This site and the likes of ML makes sense of what can, and at times, makes no sense at all. Keep it up and thanks .. Joell
Wed Nov 24 22:04:48 1999

I never ever thought I'd have my own "Coming out story". I never wanted anyone to find out as long as I lived and longer. I guess it was all part of the denial process. I have told quite a few people now and it feels great every time. I haven't told Mum & Dad but my only sister knows. She is great about it and we get along even better now - I guess it's because she understands me a lot better. I guess you could say I am in the process of coming out. I plan to tell my folks only after I move out of home, I think they will be OK but still don't want them to know until after I move out. I am 20, work full time for a software development company. I didn't live any part of a gay life until after I left high school. I think that is best. Kids of that age invariably don't understand. But each coming out is different. I know for sure it would have made my high school years all the more difficult. I began going to gay venues and events when I got my first boyfriend. Things between us have since ended in a horrible way and that hasn't helped my progress. It has gotten to the point where I can't believe people don't know. I have never had a girlfriend, have many close female friends (my best friend in the whole world is a lesbian), love to shop, dress well and listen to trashy 80's music. But they are all stereotypes arent they?????? And people do wear blinkers, I love it when they are surprised!!!! I agree with the 'scary' aspect of it, but as someone else has said further up the wall, we are all dealt our hand and we have to cope with whatever we get. I think I am doing OK. Overall, I really value the friends and experiences I have had since coming out.
Wed Nov 24 22:36:55 1999

One thing I found when I was coming out was that I had some unrealistic images of gay life. I thought I'd just slot myself into a happy, protective community and everything would be sweet, a bit like the Gay Cosby's to be overly simplistic. Of course, gay groups are like any other, but with the added sexual tension of sexual attraction between friends. Young people also have their own hangups to deal with, and HIV didn't make it any easier. Young people also have to deal with their self image, and the expectations that gay people are supposed to be "gorgeous" and "glamourous". It makes for many misconceptions and I still see many newly-out guys around the city trying to live up to a lifestyle that only exists in their minds. I can't say I solved the self image problem just by knowing I was right - my emotions got in the way, and I spent some time wishing I could be "perfect" like "that guy", or find the "perfect bf" like "that guy". Even finding out that "that guy" may well be a dickhead doesn't dispel the illusion sometimes. All I can say is it's taken me 10 years to really convince myself that firstly, most people really don't want "glamour" or "perfection", but look for the human in others, something they can relate to. And secondly, there's nothing more appealing than someone who lives a diverse, self-made lifestyle, pursuing the things they really love, despite what others think they should be "into".
subaquatica@yahoo.com - Sat Nov 27 0:19:23 1999

I'm 21 and although I have had one intense gay relationship about 18 months ago while I was living overseas, I have only really accepted that I am gay very recently. I've decided that now is the time for me to 'come out' but, having made that decision, the logistics of it seem much more difficult than I had ever imagined. When I was younger and coming out was a distant dream, I thought that all I would have to do was say the two magic words: "I'm gay". But the more I think about it, and the closer I get to actually saying it, the harder it gets. I also realise just how many times I have to say it. Its not a one off thing. First I tell my mother, sister and father, then my grandparents, then the rest of the family, then my friends. The list seems neverending. And it seems like a continual process. I will be coming out to one person or another for the rest of my life. I'm also really unsure about what to do after that. I'm pretty sure my family will take it well (with the exception of my father and grandfather who will be devestated) but my friends are a different story entirely. All of my close friends are extremely homophobic and have been known to abuse gay looking men (really just men who are dressed well and are walking through the Cross on Friday/Saturday nights without a woman on their arm). My female friends are a little more tolerant, but most of them are in relationships with the others. I know that if I come out to them, I will certainly lose them. Maybe its time for me to leave the "Leagues Club Scene" but I am terrified at leaping into the unknown "Gay Scene". To be honest, gay men scare me. I'm intimidated by the superficiality I perceive to be rife throughout the culture. I'm ready for someone to love me for who I am, not my rock hard abs! Nobody knows about the relationship I had last year and I haven't heard from the person involved for two months. The whole thing just sort of fizzled when I got home, but it confirmed what I had known for years and that is that it is *natural* for me to be in love with another man. I realised I must be gay when I went out with one of my female friends alone recently and was forever worrying that people thought I was her boyfriend! I guess I'm just worried about what I'm going to do with my friends once they know. Ex-friends I should say.
Dave - Sat Nov 27 2:17:04 1999

Dave - Read through this wall. There are lots of success stories where people have received unexpected support for being gay. Yes, it is never ending, but it gets easier. I suggest you select a couple of people who you think will support you to tell first, then re-evaluate after each one. Also see if you can find a social group or other gay friends. You don't need to be on the scene.
Panther - Sat Nov 27 9:53:14 1999

I hate being gay. Why are u all so happy about it??
Sun Nov 28 21:35:09 1999

Sun Nov 28 21:35:09 1999 - Being attracted to someone of the same sex is not something we can do much about. So we need to work out a way to live with it. Why not enjoy it? If you are not enjoying your life then you need help. I suggest that you have a talk to a counsellor about making the most of yourself.
Panther - Sun Nov 28 21:52:05 1999

Love is everything. No matter how you choose to pidgeon-hole yourself, Love is universal. There is nothing more fulfilling and energising than Love. Be honest, give love and accept love.....never force your love onto someone or demand love from somebody....that's not true love. Love is Magic. Someone elses love will not make you a better person.....you must firstly love and accept yourself. You hear that time and time again......there is something in that. Try living one day in peace and love....not trying to impress anyone....accepting who you are and appreciating all the things around you....every little thing you can possibly think of. Live in the positive it's only a matter of attitude.
Scooter - Wed Dec 1 16:56:30 1999

I am comfortable with my sexuality and really shouldn't have anything to complain about. Many would say I have the best of both worlds. I am married, have a wife and kids. I have a boyfriend who is also married with kids. I have a successful career and I am financially secure. My wife has known about my sexuality for about 2 years now and has been wonderful, although she doesn't know about my boyfriend, nor that I am sexually active outside the marriage. I love my wife, but I am not in love with her. She is one of the most wonderful people on the planet, and I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. However, I am not content. I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I am with her, she is starting to annoy me at times, and any sexual interest is long gone. We went out for dinner last night and I felt like I was just going through the motions. I know the simple answer is to leave, however I don't want to do that. I want to keep both my straight and gay lives, but I also want to be content. Does anyone have a similiar situation or any advice for me? David
new_start@hotmail.com - Thu Dec 2 9:32:27 1999

Dave - I have a question for you? do you find yourself intimidating? you are gay aren't you and would you consider yourself to be intimidating to your friends or people around you? Of course you wouldn't and what you will find is that there are so many other people exactly like yourself out there! I was in a position almost identical to the one you are in now only about 6 months ago. Homophobic friends, parents, and I was a bit intimidated by gay people. The way i got around is that I picked one friend that I knew would handle me being gay and I told her! From there I gradually eased my parents into the idea of gay people!!Talked about gay friends etc and slowly they got usedto hearing it so when I eventually told them they were not surprised. It was funny actually, cause they knew all the time. Parents have a way of knowing and they were more hurt that I didnt tell them much earlier. My best advice Dave is to be honest with the people clost to you! and as far as your friends are concerned, if they are true friends they will love you for what you are, and not what you represent! If they react badly make new friends. There are millions of people out there who will adour you for the person that you are. Life is too short to put up with shit from anyone! Move on and be happy! It worked for me, im not saying it was easy. It was actually the most traumatic couple of months of my life but now I feel like a new person, I have met great new friends and still have some old ones and Im loving life. I hope everything works out Dave,Im sure it will all work out!
smb259@hotmail.com - Thu Dec 2 15:04:01 1999

I sit here knowing , but dreading that i am gay. To me it isn't something i can be proud of. How can i be proud of something that my own mother considers to be dirty and perverted? I wish to god that i wasn't gay, but deep down i know i am. I go throw bouts of where i think...yeh being gay is ok, its what i am, i can't change it so i may aswell enjoy it. But then something always tears me down...a slight comment from unassuming straight people, or the knowledge of the disapointment my mum has in me. I want so much sometimes to be a part of a gay community, to have friends my age who are gay, who know what its like. But i live in a predominatley straight life. I feel like shouting sometimes, wearing a big sign stating I'M GAY! But i can't. I want to be who i am, but i can't. I don't know how to tell everyone that i am gay, the select few friends that do know are all fine with it...but how do i make it obvious to everyone i meet that i am gay? I am quite a 'straight acting' girl. On a few occasions that i have told people that i am, their reply has been...'but you don't look gay'. How am i supposed to look? How am i supposed to act? I am so desperate to find someone to talk to but i have no courage to take the first step and go out and find a group or something. The first and pretty much only time i have felt totally at home with my sexuality is when i attended a minus18 event, but since then i haven't had the courage to return...especially alone. I keep wondering, maybe hoping that this may be a phase i am going through just as my mother thinks, but i know its not..
applecakes@goplay.com - Thu Dec 2 23:36:34 1999

Shoop7 - Thanks for sharing you story. Where did to move to Holland from? I hope things work out for you. Things are beginning to for me. I am in the painful process of ending my marriage - got the strength to do that from my wonderful new girlfriend of 5 weeks! I never thought I would get here. I still hae a lot to sort out, but I feel so empowered by finally being totally sure of my sexuality and being "me" for the first time in my life. When you're way down, things can only get better - I really didn't believe it, but they did. So hang in there... Good Luck!
Jed - Fri Dec 3 7:34:40 1999

applecakes - you have just takend the first steps. Congradulations. - This is what pinkboard is all about - you are talking to someone. Take little steps and one at a time - some won't be easy others will. Take them in your own time. You will find a medium with which you can be comfortable. And remember there is always somewhere like pinkboard where you can vent your thoughts. Also remeber that there is Gay and Lesbian as well as Youth counselling services around as well. Panther can help you out there.
MsGuided - Fri Dec 3 11:14:13 1999

Dave, applecakes, everyone- I too think of other gay people as intimidating, the images we get of them in the media is that they are so confident, and either materialistic and catty in the case of men or tough no-nonsense women. It often seems like older gay people aren't really trying to make the scene accessible to shy, young gay people. But we can't base everything on stereotypes- I know very few gay people (apart from myself). The other day I had a great experience where I met a gay guy from England (I'm a lesbian). He only "came out" to me after I told him I was gay (like applecakes I do not "look" gay), he was so surprised and then we had a great conversation. So maybe other gay people aren't so scary, anyway, I'm not so that makes one!
evieloo@hotmail.com - Sun Dec 5 0:12:09 1999

evieloo i think you'll find that it's the scene that can be intimidating more than older gay people. as you probably know in any social situation where groups of people hang out together it's quite difficult to penetrate a group...unless you have a huge amount of self-confidence or know a member of that group. by ourselves we're not so bad. Joining a community group is a good way of meeting people....
Mel - Sun Dec 5 8:29:37 1999

"The Scene" is a wierd place. It revolves around pubs and clubs and coffee shops and who you know and being seen. Maybe it should be called "The Seen". It is often portrayed as a mecca. To really be part of the scene you need to go out lots, drink lots or take drugs, spend lots of money on clothes and buy a mobile phone. :-) This is not for everyone, and increasingly we are seeing that this is not what lots of people want out of lesbian and gay life. Many of us have other priorities and interests.

The scene used to be the major focus of "the community", but the community has grown and now includes lots more. You don't have to be part of the scene to be gay or lesbian.
Panther - Sun Dec 5 11:26:53 1999

Coming out took years for me. It took a few years just to convince me. Old social dogmas, guilt, religion, and fear proved to be very challenging obstacles. I did even