Pinkboard: Coming Out Graffiti Wall V

This comment from Marcel I think is an excellent start to a new Coming Out Wall. Thanks Marcel.

Feel free to ask questions or share your coming out experiences. If you have a longer story please email it to me (Panther).

Hi everybody.

I'm sure you've all heard this before, but one point which I think everybody should remember is that you make life a lot easier for yourself if you are out, because once you are out you are spared a lot of relatively thoughtless homophobia - the sort of thing which is just in the atmosphere which a lot of people express casually (rather like, in earlier times, say, anti-semitism, though this is by no means dead either!). I say "thoughtless" because a lot of this homophobia really is a rather abstract thing - people can repeat disparaging views about homosexuality in general but, for instance, just love their hairdresser (or whatever). Once people know you are gay, they'll think twice before saying these things in your presence, and those thousands of pin pricks (which can cut very deep) will stop, and, who knows, you might even be another person they know which will help them break down their attitudes altogether! (now it will be their hairdresser and you). And, of course, often you will discover you were the last person to find out that everybody else had a pretty good idea already.

As to the people who you fear will really give you a hard time, you have to ask yourself if you really care what they think at all. That's of course where, if they are your family, it can be very difficult, and that's why coming out is not for everybody.

But often I think a big obstacle to coming out is the embarrassment - that you've kept this secret for so long, and all of a sudden you are "changing your tune". Certainly, it is a subject which is difficult to raise in a casual way! Sometimes, maybe, the embarrassment leads us to over-estimate the negative reaction we fear from others. But even then, will these people's negative reactions if you come out hurt you more than the fear of these reactions is hurting you now?

It's true that once you come out it's very difficult to go back "in". So it's a bit scary. It's good-bye to dreams of marriage (leaving aside the complicated cases of people who are already married etc), goodbye to the white picket fence and the 2.2-children vision of fulfilment which, until then, always seemed at least a theoretical option. That's more a matter of being "out to yourself" first as to whether it really is the right choice for you. The road not taken may always be a matter for regret, but sometimes you have to decide where you really want to go, all the same!

Good luck to everyone
marcel - Mon Jan 11 2:48:46 1999

Hi, my problem is that i am already out to my parents, but they seem to be delluding themselves into thinking it's a phase or whatever. I don't have a grrlfriend, so when i told them i was a lesbian (and chose to leave out that i had been physical in non-commitment relationships with women) they think that i am not interested in men, as opposed to actively interested in women. Also my mum seems to view one of my male friends (gay, and oh so obvious!) as a prospect. My parents both know but can't let go of their wanting me to be str8...I can't stand listening to her harp on about this guy, or other guys, never saying anything plainly, just trying to push me into being str8...I don't want to be hurtful to her, and it took enough strength to come out, without having to dredge all that stuff up again
Thu Jan 14 11:23:12 1999

Remember that it can also take time for your parents to come to terms with your sexuality. How about dropping into conversation something about a guy this gay friend picked up?
Panther - Fri Jan 15 9:13:05 1999

Am I Bi sexual or am I still confused and cant make a decision, Im attracted to women and men love oral (both ways giving & recieving) although the men must be cute so what am I? I feel that I still dont fit there are gay clubs lesbian clubs but what about Bi's where do we fit in God Im confused!
no direction - Mon Jan 18 19:43:27 1999

No direction - Work out what is important for you personally. Find places you are comfortable and people who accept you as the person you are. I know this is all difficultm so maybe you need to have a talk about it with someone sympathetic.
Panther - Mon Jan 18 20:38:29 1999

18th Jan 1999 I was fortunate, as when I told my parents they sent me to the local doctor, who sent me to a psychiatrist, who gave me drugs. This was not good! I then went to visit the psycholgist (Dr Fancis Macnab) and saw him once a week for 9 momths. After 3 months, I was summoned to 'the lounge room' by mum & dad. THey wantec to know how I was 'getting along', I told them and they're my best mates. Well, were as dad died and mum does noit know who I am! Still, I' really thankfull to Florrie & Fred!
Ian - Mon Jan 18 21:40:03 1999

Well - here I am about to start thinking about "coming out" being already married - and attracted to other females for along time last year I decided to do something and meet other people who felt like I did. So I slowly started telling a few very close friends I was bi. Now I have read a book by Chastity Bono family outing. So Im not ready to tell my parents and i probably wont be reaching my goal of entering the mardi gras parade - but hey if i take it slowly and do it when i want to - i am haveing a great time enjoying for once exactly who I am!
Loving being Honest with myself - Thu Jan 21 16:56:55 1999

Dear whoever reads this, I am 20 years old 21 soon,neither of my parents are aware that I am gay however I think my mum knows,she just wont ask me or talk to me about it. I'm confused I don't know whether I should just tell her or not. she is a good listener but I stilll think she will not understand that that is my choice and that I am happy.
young and confused - Thu Jan 21 20:26:15 1999

Hi young & confused, mothers always seem to know these things!! Call it maternal instinct or whatever, but they can sense it. Deciding who you tell, and more importantly - when, has got to be something you do when you alone are ready. Does anyone else know....friends etc. With myself, I told my friends first (most of them said "what took so long!!", then started thinking about telling my mum, (most dads just don't seem to cope too well!). It's a huge and irreversible step, so think carefully about it. I guess a lot depends on how well you get on with your mum too. Do have any idea how she may react? Lastly, if you put in where you are, Sydney for example, maybe Panther can advise you of the various services around the place that can help with these things. Pflag, (parents and friends of lesbians and gays.....I think !) is one that comes to mind. Anyway, keep us posted and take care.
Mark - Sun Jan 24 19:58:57 1999

To Mark, Well thanks for your advice. I still have not told mum but I'm sure she has a fair idea of it all. I came out to a few of my friends on schoolies "95" and they were shocked but they did not seem to mind except for the sleeping arangements whenever there was a sleepover. It got to the stage where I had to go and sleep in the loungeroom because I know they felt uncomfortable with me there but that was not the problem. The problem was that friend one would have a complete hard-on all night and that is why I slept on the lounge. Friend 2 on the other hand lived with his gay auntie and her girlfriend so he did not really mind, I had him once. Last weekend I went out with my mum and then I got her to drop me at one of the gay clubs here in Brisbane (that is where I live by the way) and she dropped me there and did not even say a word.(that was friday)I got home 11 am sat there were no Questions asked at all I was shocked.I went out sat night too she asked where I was going, so I told her she did not even care it was a gay club she just said have fun. Do you think she knows or what? If she does why wont she just say something to me? any coments would be good. I told my sister who lives in North Queensland where I went and she turns around and said "don't you go that way" I said " oh yes baby " in a really girly voice and she justed laughed with me. I am still very confused.
young and cofused (ken) - Mon Jan 25 15:08:45 1999

Ken - I would guess that your mother may be waiting for you to tell her. Especially as you have been giving her hints. You don't have to tell her until you are ready. When you are ready, though, try to make sure you know the answers. Talk it over with some friends and they may be able to help. Also make sure you have supportive friends in case something goes wrong.
Panther - Mon Jan 25 19:28:25 1999

Hi all...i was just after some friendly advice. I'm a late teens bifem living in sydney who thinks her mother is very suspicious of her sexuality. My mum and I have a wonderful relationship and when i decide to tell her myself, u'm sure that won't change, but the thing is she found a number and name of a youth support group i had written down after getting it off the web and ever since she's acted a little well....weird, and gaurded and she's staring me down as if to say subliminally.."i know u have something to tell me adn you know i know". It's just kind of freaking me out b/c while i'm not scared of her knowing in the end, i'm just not ready for her to know now b/c i have not long since accepted it mysefl. Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't know whether to come straight out and tell her now or let it happen when I'm ready???
torn between the two - Mon Jan 25 20:07:09 1999

Torn - How about asking her what's bugging her? If she asks what's happening with you say you will tell her when you are ready. Hopefully she will accept that you need more time to work it out for yourself. Maybe even tell her you need to work it out for yourself first.
Panther - Tue Jan 26 9:25:56 1999

Come out, come out wherever you are. Be brave and trust! There is agood deal of support out there. All you have to do is ask. Be true to yourself! Thta's what it's really all about!
Thu Jan 28 20:49:09 1999

Why is it that some days I am ready to stand on rooftops waving a rainbow flag and shouting to the world "Here I am! I'm a lesbian and proud of it!" and some days I don't even know for sure if I am a lesbian, bisexual, or just straight and deluded? Why is it that I am desperate to tell my parents the way I feel and have them say "It's OK, we love you no matter what/who you are" even though I know that they will not react that way, and even though sometimes I am not even sure what "way" I am? Why is there no one I can turn to for help/support on a day-to-day basis?
Jen Phraser, Brisbane - Thu Jan 28 21:36:03 1999

Panther- In response to your question on the previous board (which I only just read- sorry, I was away for a month) my suicide attempt was due to both the fact that I am a lesbian (or bisexual or something, who knows?) and the fact that I had an unrequieted love _which everybody found out about_. This was very embarrassing for both me and the other (str8) person concerned... As well as that, 90% of my friends deserted me when they found out, my family would kick me out if they found out (and I was worried someone would tell them). It was a very stressful time! And so, because my (so-called) friends deserted me because of who I love and what I am, I began to think that life was not worth it because 1. I am queer and 2. the two major crushes I have had were both on str8s and it really breaks you up when you know (or they tell you) that nothing will ever come of it (no pun). Anyway, I am over that suicide attempt I think, although not over my feelings for the cause of it...
(Jen) Phraser, Brisbane. - Thu Jan 28 22:08:28 1999

BTW thanks jazz_28@hotmail.com for your message of support.
(jen) Phraser, Brisbane - Thu Jan 28 22:09:26 1999

Hi all...... Um I recently was at a friends bbq... with a heap of her friends two of which were a gay couple.... The whole night one of them kept making eyes at me..... Later on my friend sensed that something was wrong with me, as I was confused about what had happend, and confronted me about being gay.... I told her I was and spent the rest of the night cry on her sholder... The remarkable thing is I feel so much better having talked to someone and now have someone to depend on for support.... cheers..
Steve.... - Thu Jan 28 23:00:32 1999

(jen) Phraser, I'm not sure if this group still exists, but if so you might want to look into it: a year or so ago I went along to a meeting of a group called B.L.Y.S.S ("Brisbane Lesbian Youth Social Services", if my memory serves me correctly... which it usually doesn't!). They were holding what they called 'coming out workshops', but there was no pushing for anybody to come out at all if they weren't ready (I certainly didn't at that time). The main emphasis was on providing a means for young Brisbane lesbians to discuss their thoughts and feelings on being gay and what that means to them. It also seemed to be a good way of meeting people who'll understand - though I only attended one meeting I was already seeing friendships (and one relationship!) beginning to form. I'm not sure if they're still around, but if they are and if you're interested, you might be able to get in touch with them via that Rainbow Centre thingummybob, or if you can get hold of a copy of a copy of the newspaper BrotherSister, they used to have ads in the Community Services column in the classifieds. There are free copies of that sitting out the front of a music shop in the city - Rocking Horse, I think it might be called (I used to just walk past and grab a copy of every newspaper they had there in order to hide the BrotherSister one and the fact that I was picking it up, lol!). And hey, if you ever need someone to talk to, feel very free to drop me a line ( beccappleton@uq.net.au ). I remember feeling a damn lot like you seem to be doing right now, and it's not easy I know. Just hang in there and remember even through the bad reactions, there are still good people out there just waiting to meet you and love you for who you are if you'll only allow them the chance.
Becc - Fri Jan 29 4:52:28 1999

To Becc- thanks very much for the recommendation about B.L.Y.S.S. I think I can get BrotherSister at the Uni of QLD (where I think, BTW that I met you once?) I will definately have a go at getting in touch with them. If I can work up the nerve! All the women I have ever met as far back as I can remember have intimidated me serverely! Maybe it's an awe thing lol ;-) Thanks again, anyway.
Jen Phraser, Brisbane - Fri Jan 29 21:05:42 1999

Dear Jen - Oh, hey, you're *that* Jen. Well, nope, you didn't actually meet me in person, but I once managed to confuse you fairly well on the U.Q QTs mailing list! Anyway, I'm glad you have an alternate means of getting BroSis as I checked Rocking Horse when I was in the city today and they had there practically every newspaper *but* that one. I felt like a right royal wretch for pointing you in the wrong direction. As for contacting B.L.Y.S.S, I had their number for a full year and a half before ever calling them. So don't worry, I'm the Queen of Wimps - I'd be very surprised if anyone more worthy than I ever stepped up to wear that particular crown!
Becc - Sat Jan 30 2:35:21 1999

newborn-I still have to pinch myself sometimes,i really did tell my wife my brothers, sisters and my parents that i am GAY.For the first time in my life i am a complete person,proud of who i am and much more able to face up to any of lifes little challenges.
greg 1.2.99 - Mon Feb 1 20:33:16 1999

Only last year, i kissed a girl for the very first time. I have never slept with a man nor a woman. But she made me feel something i have never felt before, i was deeply attracted to her, she made me open my eyes, to see what, i have for a long time tried to deny. I don't know if it was love, but if so it was excellent. For the first time i felt like i had found inner peace, something to which i have not had since the confusion started. I am 21 years old, so was she. It didn't last, i think both of us are too younge to know what we want. Now i'm just confused on how to go about finding that person.
Was it love, or infactuation - Wed Feb 3 2:41:59 1999

i guess this is my coming out story, tho' i'm not too sure i've come out. it's like that t-shirt - "i'm not gay, but my girlfriend is". i've finally met someone that i love spending time with, having sex with, all that...and she's a girl! (like me). i have had quite a few relationships with men before, but couldn't help thinking about women at the same time. i suspect i'm actually bisexual, but that's such a horrible label...makes me think of sad men wanting to watch their wives f@ck other women. whatever, there's no way i'm ever going to tell my homophobic parents that i have a girlfriend, but to the rest of the world i just feel like shouting out "yes! she loves me!!!".it's a weird feeling, but it sure does feel good. i guess in the end, it doesn't matter who you love, just that you love someone and they love you back.
rowdy - Wed Feb 3 23:28:38 1999

oh, and i'd like to say good on you, panther. the comments you have posted in reply to people with doubts and problems are always thoughtful, caring and considerate. nice work!
rowdy - Wed Feb 3 23:31:08 1999

To rowdy- I agree that the word bisexual sucks. I also suspect that it's the best word to describe me, but I hate using it. I also find it's really difficult to tell people... if I tell my gay friends (especially the guys- they back away as if they are afraid I'll hit on them) then they give the impression that I'm not as good as/not one of them. If I tell my str8 friends they think it's even more gross than just being a lesbian. And one of them said "if you're bisexual, why can't you just pretend you're str8?" No-one seems to understand very much (least of all me!). Maybe someone could suggest an alternative word to bisexual (in the same way that dyke is used as an acceptable alternative for people who don't like using the word lesbian)? And if one doesn't exist, maybe we should make one up.
Phraser - Thu Feb 4 13:41:03 1999

Dear Rowdy & Phraser- Ditto I to am a Bi-sexual & just like you dislike using the word to discribe my sexual preferences. When it is just that MY sexual preference - I have yet to find an alternative word for something which seem to cause a lot of misunderstanding. I agree with finding a new name & if anyone thinks of one be kind and post it up on this wall - Thanks
New Name Needed - Sun Feb 7 11:24:50 1999

Hi, I live in America where g/l/b is common, but not in my area. I'm Bi and a few of my friends know (all girls). I don't know why I'm bi I just am. Every guy I come across accuses me of being gay. I've been called "fag" uncountable times since I was 13. People write "Soddom and Gomorah" on my locker at school at least twice a month. I take cosmetology at a vocational school and after it got out that I do take it was like throwing dynomite on the fire. I've been hurt (emotionally) by all this for the past 4 years. What did I do to diserve to be labled "fag", "homo", and by one self proclaimed Upsatnding Christian girl "Satan's puppet who will corrupt everything that is good and pure"? I just want to run away as far and as fast as I can sometimes.
John denker70@hotmail.com - Mon Feb 8 4:39:25 1999

John - I think homophobia is worst in schools. It is even worse at this stage in our lives when we are discovering our identities and sexualities. A couple of suggestions - see if you can convince some teacher(s) to get a homophobia course at the school, or someone to speak about it openly. Also see if you can find other g/l/b and band together for you own protection.
Panther - Mon Feb 8 8:59:59 1999

I am looking for advice. I don't know if this is the right wall, but if not, I apologise in advance. I am an inexperienced, mature (50ish) male that would, if not come out, at least like to emerge a little and experience m/m relations. I have tried a Sydney steam room a couple of times but my success has been limited because I don't know the "language". Can anyone help? I have seen men waiting in the cubicles in various positions. Some lie on their back, playing with themselves, some are lying on their stomach, some just sit up. Does this indicate in any way what they are looking for or is it simply the most comfortable way for that person to wait for action. I was told by one person that I should just go into the room if the occupant interested me and if the occupant was not interested, he would indicate that fact. How?? Would he throw me out, tell me to go, would it be a shake of the head or would it be even more subtle such as averting the eyes. Are there any rules I should follow if I were to occupy the booth. I also see men leaning against the walls as I walk around. These men generally stare straight ahead (like guardsmen). Are these men not interested in me, am I missing some subtle signals or are they simply resting. The other problem is what to do once contact is made. I am only interested in safe sex. At what point is this stated. As a beginer (read "still a virgin") I am not sure what my likes and dislikes are, but I am sure many visitors to the establishment have definate preferences. How and when is this indicated to ones potential partner? This note may be amusing to some who are more experienced, but I can assure you, those of us without that experience can be totally confused by the whole scene. Like anyone, I do not like to be a cause of embarresment to either myself or another and anyone giving answers to any of my queries or supplying additional information that might help will be giving an invaluable service to us beginners of all ages.
New & confused - Mon Feb 8 13:48:17 1999

Listen I have no problems with gay boys but what I do hate is fags who get in my face all the time , please visit my site and become enlightened .http://world.conk.com/world/nazis_are_fags
Nazi Slayer - Sat Feb 13 3:59:17 1999

Hi Panther, I'm a young Irish guy who is at University in Scotland. I've had a moderately Christian up-bringing, but have had homosexual feelings since I was a teenager. My parents are totally against gays, as has been demonstrated by their remarks when such an issue comes on the news, and I feel ashamed about who I actually am. My family is well respected in our area back home, and I wouldn't want to do anything to harm or change this, but I feel that I'd get quite a bit of abuse if I came out. I'm not sure if it would be what they'd say to my face, but just feeling that I'm being talked about by others behind my back (which I cannot stand). I'm an only child and therefore I've had a lot of pressure to do well, combined with the remarks from my mother about looking forward to being a grandmother! I'm not sure if I came to Scotland to escape from the usual stuff that we are all subjected to, mainly because society is so homophobic over home. I even had a girlfriend in Ireland for time, so that no-one would suspect anything, but I've also had a few experiences since I've come to Scotland which have felt natural. However I don't think that I'm ready to come out yet but would appreciate some advice from either yourself or others on how to deal with such a situation.
tasman - Sat Feb 13 4:19:53 1999

To tasman- You don't have to tell your family. My parents are Scottish, and although not very religious, would probably feel the same way about me being a lesbian (if I ever told them) as your parents would feel about you being gay. We now live in Australia, and I am out to almost all my friends, a lot of people at uni, etc- in fact, nearly everyone I know except my parents. I still live at home, but manage, despite not being completely out, to participate fairly fully in the life of the gay and lesbian community here. It can be hard, especially when parents want to be grandparents and introduce me to lots of men, but you can get through it. If you really want to come out to your family, you should do it somewhere safe (maybe *not* at home alone) and if you think they will react really badly, make sure you have some way of supporting yourself (and a place to stay) first. There are also coming out courses you can take (I think that Edinburgh University offers one, but other uni's and community groups also might) which can help you prepare for this step and give you ideas on exactly haow to broach the subject with your family in a way that they can understand and cope with. Good luck,
Phraser - Sat Feb 13 16:09:25 1999

Tasman- remember that your life belongs to *you*, not your parents.
Phraser - Sat Feb 13 16:10:53 1999

Tasman - Being away from home and the expecations helps with growing as a person and determining where you fit/want to fit in the world. Some people decide that pleasing family is the right thing for them. Others choose their own paths. I am the oldest child and so all the hopes of my parents (father) were placed on me. I have not given them satisfaction in the grandchild department, but I have in the success department, and I think they now consider my partner as part of the family. I do have a brother with children, so they eventually got that too.
Panther - Sat Feb 13 17:07:34 1999

since i last posted, i've come out heaps, and it feels great! i went to a gig last night with my new girlfriend, and i introduced her as such to all my friends. they previously only knew that i had had relationships w/boys... and they took it well. as i explained to them, this is the person i am in love with rightnow...so the matter of what sex she was didn't come up. they were just happy i had someone in my life. i know i am lucky in this respect (i couldn't tell my parents for example) but it kind of makes me feel better about being bi...i htink bi means you just love who you love, and who cares what genitals they have? if only real life was so easy.
rowdy - Sun Feb 14 1:44:12 1999

Hi all, now it's dawned on me that I am a lesbian, duh and always have been, I just have one small problem of being married with children. Mum never told me that if you don't like sex with guys you shouldn't get married! Hubby is my best pal and wants me to be happy and this is one thing I have to do on my own. Domestics aside, I just want to get into the scene and have a bit of fun. But I don't want to call myself bi, and should I be up front and tell other women I have a family. I have met a nice girl and if I tell her I am sure she will drop me as some kind of faker. Other than that, now that the truth has dawned on me I feel a great weight has lifted from my shoulders and I have to stop myself coming out to everyone I know.
dilemma - Mon Feb 15 20:32:39 1999

dilemma - This sounds exactly like the questions people ask about "should I come out". In fact it is really coming out as a mother and married person. No need to tell her anything. If she asks then consider telling her the truth rather than lying. If you want to tell her you can break it to her gently. Maybe start with telling her about your children. Good luck for the future.
Panther - Tue Feb 16 9:02:55 1999

My wife has just discovered I am bisexual. Says i must no see any one if the mariage is to survive. do not know what to do, I want both
confused - Tue Feb 16 18:02:11 1999

Dear Confused.... Marriage is a commitment to one person, whether it be a male or a female it's still just one person. Of course your wife does not wish for you to see anybody else whilst you are committed to her. This instance is no different to a straight man asking his wife if he might get it on with another woman. I'm sure you'll agree that "I want both" just does not stand up in that instance. Obviously it is entirely up to you to decide what is right for you, but remember that for now you are in a committed relationship with your wife. If you do not wish to remain within the confines of that commitment, leave them. If you choose to remain there, she has every right to expect that you not have an affair with either a woman OR a man.
Becc - Wed Feb 17 1:59:53 1999

elo - Fri Feb 19 2:28:12 1999

Confused - As Becc said, it is no different if you are seeing men or women on the side. It is still cheating on your wife. Think about the vows you made, the legally binding contract you signed. First thing is to work out what you want and what you are prepared to settle for. This could be an open relationship, monogamy or even divorce. Then discuss these options with your wife in an atmosphere where you are both calm and comfortable. Come to a compromise if you can. Look at relationship counselling if you need it. (Relationships Australia?) Also make sure all sex outside your relationship is safe, using condoms.
Panther - Fri Feb 19 9:11:48 1999

Confused - Try not to be selfish - the best thing you can do is to "give" - give to your wife her freedom. You cannot reconcile you present desires with what your wife wants - so you must let her go. You will eventually find the happiness you are seeking and this will allow her to find hers much quicker.
Bagwhan - Sat Feb 20 14:38:36 1999

everyone is different, what suits one person may not suit the other. fortunatley for me i did choose the right partner. honesty is the best policy for any relationship right from the beginning. we are both bi and happily married.. we both satisfy our own needs with the other knowing, where and when is happening..we indeed have a happy balanced life..we have no secrets with anyone...not even our families...its always been known who we are....remember everyone is different..so everyone live your life to the fullest who ever you are. you are you . so nobody can take that away.if you are coming out, dont be afraid. be true to yourselves!
Tue Feb 23 2:39:29 1999

I am Gay ! I came out when I was about 26, and then didn't do anything about it until now (now I am 30 ish). I have parents who are Dutch and pretty religious, and now they don't want to know about me (although they pretend they do). They can get stuffed. I feel alone and confused, and just want to meet someone who really cares about me. Here's me dreaming.
Andrew. - Tue Feb 23 22:29:27 1999

Hi everybody, Well I've been here before. That is just before Mardi Gra about to come out. I get so far then stop. I am a 32yo man in a heterosexual relationship and have also had gay relationships on the side for the past 9yrs. What the hell am I doing!!! I am also a military man whose workplace seems to be fairly homophobic. Why can't I just say it? My girlfriend knows I have slept with men and I think she suspects I am still doing it. I don't want to be 20yrs down the track with a family and say it was a nice life but I was never really happy, like I know so many others do. I seem to be paralized with fear,unable to make any decision. So the ride continues with me getting more and more depressed everyday. Any body else at this moment in their lives.
bbbjack@hotmail.com - Thu Feb 25 10:00:55 1999

bbbjack - It sounds as if you are entering the spiral of depression. You can't see a way out so you get depressed. You are depressed so you can't see where to go. I would suggest you find a counsellor, or even a pshchologist (your depression may be a medical condition) to see if you can get out of the depression and make some decisions about where you want to go with your life.
Panther - Fri Feb 26 9:44:30 1999

Hi all again. Since I was here last I told my grrlfriend that I have children, and she didn't run away. She had thought I was strange because I was always too busy to go out and now she understands. I didn't have the courage to mention the husband bit though. It's all well and good that he is encouraging me to follow my true feelings but I know that I have to move out and be single. And so, how do I come out to my (small) children? Also my work colleagues keep asking me about the new 'man' in my life and I don't correct them but would it be better to be up front about it and will they be more annoyed that I lied to them. I just don't think that my sex life should be the focus at work. Life was never meant to be easy.
dilemma - Sat Feb 27 18:27:00 1999

i haven't written here for awhile, that's because basicly life is not life when you're living it through a computer. Dont get me wrong, i love this site and i would be lost without it - but just a word of warning, as the Whitlams sing "There is no aphrodisiac like loneliness", and it seems looking at the personals ads, some people turn downright desperate. Don't loose your self respect, you are more than a piece of meat. Think about it......
me - Tue Mar 2 1:39:28 1999

I have recently came out after living a hetro lie for 12yrs,I have two children who both have been to hell and back during my nasty divorce, I thought long and hard before I decided I had no choice but to tell them their mum was a dyke. I began by telling them about the facts of life, progessing to what love is, and how important it is to be honest, I then felt safe enough to explain who I love and why I love her, to date alls well they seem to accept us both. The way I see it, I would rather be the one who tells them in soft loving way then have someone else tell them in a lurid uncaring way.
Lauren - Tue Mar 2 11:52:16 1999

To Andrew, most parents get such a shock when we tell them we're gay. You can only hope that they see the light one day and accept you for who you are and love you for the fact that you were honest with them. Ultimately though, I guess the most important thing is to be happy yourself. There's undoubtedly someone out there for everyone....it's just a bit hard to find them sometimes!! I guess it depends on where you live too, (though just because Sydney has the largest G & L population doesn't make it easier as it can be a bit daunting at times). Anyway, if you want to chat............
Mark - Wed Mar 3 22:47:41 1999

Hi to Dilemma and Lauren....I've got great admiration for both of you. What hard decisions you've made! It's good that everything's going well to date. Dilemma, after reading Lauren's experience, I reckon there's an answer there for you. One step at a time....do your colleagues need to know? I agree with you re not making your sex life the focus of your work. If you think they'd react well - tell them.....it's no big deal and don't let them make it one. You valued their friendship enough to tell them....if they aren't going to respect that and get on with it, they don't deserve to know!
Mark - Wed Mar 3 22:53:57 1999

bbbbbjack....don't get trapped in a straight relationship if you're gay...or are you bi? Life's too short and you don't want to look back and think you should have done something else. It's really hard if you've got a homophobic work environment......could you get a new job? Whatever you do, don't get down about it. Seriously think about what it is you want and consider the implications. Once you've dealt with that, come out. You'll feel a whole heap better. It's a lot of weight to carry around otherwise. I agree with Panther too.....speak to a professional....it can really help to just talk to someone. Good luck amd keep us posted.
Mark (busy tonight!). - Wed Mar 3 22:59:25 1999

bbbbbjack, I agree with Mark. Being trapped in a straight relationship when you're not is hard to live. (and here I am with kids, husband, in-laws) What I did was take a long look at what I am and what makes me happy and not family, friends, work. And although admitting my homosexuality is the hardest path to take, if I am being true to myself it will also be the easiest.
dilemma - Thu Mar 4 21:14:09 1999

I have been reading these pages for the last few months and I feel that I am missing something. The world seems to be full of amateur psychologists. Ask a question about coming out, or, "should I tell my parents" ans a dozen people rush to give advice with comments like "be true to yourself" and "don't carry the weight" (read the last few letters). Ask a practical question and silence is the stern reply. I have a vague recollection of someone asking about the "scene" at Henry Lawson Drive, Milperra. Not a glimmer of a reply. "New and confused" asked about behaviour patterns at a steam bath some time ago. Not a single reply to this question to this date. There have been other practical questions that I cannot remember in sufficient detail to relate here, but it is a little depressing that the great "moral" questions (the meaning of life??) bring a rush of expert opinion, but a simple practical question does not rate a single reply. To forestall the inevitable question, I did not answer these questions because I am also a beginner and do not have the experience to respond to the questions with any accuracy. I was actually hoping to benefit from the replies to the question that I, and probably many others did not have the courage to ask. It is sad that the gay community, whilst it projects an image of tolerance and brotherly assistance would seem to be no different from the rest of the (hetero) community with an attitude of " I will help in any impractical way that I can" and "F**k you Jack, I'me allright". To all those Poseurs out there with their ready advise, I can only state the classic Aussie saying - Put up Or Shut up.
depressed - Thu Mar 4 22:28:36 1999

What can I say 'depressed'......rarely do I comment on Pinkboard, and only then on what I feel I can genuinely help with....which isn't "the scene at Milperra" etc etc. I for one certainly don't have a "F**k you..." attitude and hope that my responses help. You never know....maybe I am a Phsycologist!!!
Mark - Thu Mar 4 23:59:20 1999

im a first time pink board user.... i just recently turned 19, and i am out proudly as a lesbian. i also dream to attend the gay&lesbian mardi gras in sydney one day, to walk with my brothers and sisters for one day of telling the world who i am and being proud of who you are.. I would like to say to all those girls out there that you were born the person you are. i don`t have a girlfriend. but that doesn`t mean that you have to hide your sexuality away from the people you love. especially yourself. for people to accept you, you first have to accept the person you are gay/lesbian. if you think there are only a few of us, well think again... we are everywhere high and low. we could even be your principal! coming out to my parent`s was probably the hardest thing for me but, on the other hand it was like having a toothache the pain does go away. they thought it was a phaze in adolescence, not knowing what you like. the funny thing is that i knew that i was a lesbian when i was five years old. being worried about your sexuality scares a lot of people but you finally work it out in the end. i got picked on in secondary school. i had names thrown at me like "dyke", "butch", etc, etc. i was even ready to leave school. i could not stand the pain of being picked on.. i finshed secondary school just over 2 years ago and since then i have started a new life. im amazed to find that my new friends have the same going for them being gay/bisexual/lesbian.. most of them have inspired me more and more to come out (which i have) to be the person you are and not letting people boss you around and telling you that you are or you are not! my problem is that no-one has the right to be put down because they are gay/lesbian, black/white etc,etc.... "you are who you are".. or as the song goes "i am what i am".. if anyone would like to chat or share your feelings my e-mail is: calisto_80@hotmail.com
callisto - Fri Mar 5 0:01:30 1999

Well may be you 'depressed' with an attitude like that. I reply when I believe I have something constructive to say, and being a girl I cannot give tips on how to pick up a guy in a steam room. If you are wondering about technicalities maybe you should visit wwwilma the web counselor, another excellent facility on this site. Go Callisto grrl!
dilemma - Fri Mar 5 20:32:43 1999

Hi, I'm new to this site, just happy to find a nice one that is Australian. So, my sorry tale is that I am 22 and after quite a few years of inner turmoil, have only just accepted the fact that I am a lesbian. Thing is, I've never had any form of sexual contact with a woman, and although I know I don't need to in order to prove myself, I feel really weighed down by this. I can't seem to meet like minded people and am beginning to think I'll be middle aged before I fall in love or have a sex life. I hate to burden strangers with my problems, but I guess you all understand that it helps to let it all out sometimes.
sheeba - Fri Mar 5 23:09:25 1999

Ok. So maybe someone here can help me - im at a bit of a loss. So.. Im 18yrs old and Ive done the coming out thing. My friends know.. i know.. and we are all happy. Parents dont know - but they dont need to. So now ive turned 18, Ive figured I should go check the club scene out. I have no gay friends... dont know where or how to make 'em. - so i basically go alone. Once I'm there I dont know anyone. So I stand there.. have a drink.. dance... but i know noone. Everyone else seems to know each other. So.. my point is.. how are you supposed to get to know new people? Like.. i dont know any gay guys. Everyone kept saying how easy it is once you are 18 - but its lies. Ive just dealt with all the coming out shyte and now I have no funky friends to party with. My local club is the Barracks in Newcastle and its a funky place.. but Im just unsure how to crack the social scene! Somone help me!!!!!
lonely!! - Sat Mar 6 2:36:01 1999

Hi, I can only tell you about my own experience when I came out a few years ago. I didn't go to any clubs or anything but instead approached a local lesbian group in the Blue Mountains. For me this was a much better way to go because I met Lesbians in an informal way, at games nights, restaurants, softball games etc. There was not the threatening "god, she wants me to dance with her!" sort of thing. The women were all great and understanding. A few years later they are all my good friends. Yes, I have been to nightclubs and absolutely love them, but I'm glad I didn't go to one early on. Toooo much! Just remember we've all had to go through the coming out experience - and survived it!
scout - Sat Mar 6 22:32:26 1999

Just a little note about my story, because I'm proud of it. I am a 24 year old bi woman, and I have recently (five days ago) moved out of my home that I shared with my husband to live by myself. We were married for five months, and had been together for six years. The relationship, from the start, had been abusive and well and truly fitted into the domestic violence category. Needless to say, it was very very hard to leave. Also, I have known since I was 16 that I had feelings (sexual and emotional) for women, and had at times acted on this. My husband was very keen for me to explore this side of myself, but sadly wanted to 'watch' and didn't take it too well when I wasn't keen on him participating. I found a girlfriend and all was well, until now, when I have left my husband, and she doesn't want anything more than friendship, which is damn well confusing for me. Going from having two people in your life, to having none at all, is extremely hard, and I am finding that I really don't like it much at all. On the other hand, I am excited, in a very small way, that I have a 'clean slate' to start with, no ties really, no-one to answer to and no-one to tell me what to do. I am at the point in my life where I face a whole new horizon of possibilities, new experiences and opportunities. All I can say, is that if you are in a abusive relationship, take your time, prepare yourself, make sure you have options lined up for you, like housing etc, before you move out. Make sure you have money, accommodation, and someone you can talk to, be it friend or counsellor. I have had to swallow my pride a lot lately to get some help, financial etc, by telling ppl the truth about myself, the violence etc. But in doing so, I have found a whole new strong side of me that didn't have a voice before. So trust yourself, trust your intuitions/instincts, and take each day as it comes. Learning to love yourself is the most important lesson of all.
Salome - Sun Mar 7 13:38:48 1999

If anyone wants it, My email is salome_6@hotmail.com
Salome - Sun Mar 7 13:46:09 1999

If anyone wants it, My email is salome_6@hotmail.com
Salome - Sun Mar 7 13:46:18 1999

Sheeba - I am in a similar situation, although I have been aware that I am a lesbian for about four years. I am 21 and have joined a group at uni where I have met some good friends but my foray into the gay scene has not gone any further. I've never slapt with woman (or a man for that matter) and am getting rather depressed at the prospect of being alone for much longer. I am out to quite a few people (not my parents, but I assume they suspect)and inspite of my lack of experience I know for sure that it is a woman that I want. The scene doesn't interest me whatsoever, but I want to meet some more like-minded girls. Help!
J - Sun Mar 7 15:44:38 1999

Lonely - As Scout said, social groups are another way to meet people. I have heard, though, that there are no social groups in Newcastle/Hunter at the moment. Getting courage up to say something to someone at the pub is another way to meet people. I know it is terribly difficult, but it does work more often than not. Start with a hi or whatever and go from there. Get into a conversation about anything. Most people will chat if they are approached. Once you know 2 or 3 people they will introduce you to friends and you will be "in".
Panther - Sun Mar 7 20:25:27 1999

Depressed - I didn't comment because I don't know the answers.
Panther - Sun Mar 7 20:28:19 1999

Thanks Guys - I know what you mean about just talking to people and starting convo that way. Im not a shy person at all. But it just seems when Im in the club situation, you are kind of on show a bit. I see someone to go talk to - and work out what to say etc etc and then I think... 'what if'! What if this person is like totally not wanting to talk.. and he is like the big poo-bah of the social clique around here! What if he tells everyone what a nut I am - then ill be stuck. I mean - Im not dumb. I know this situation is like.. totally unlikely but its that little bit of doubt that scares me. Newcastle being the narrow minded place it is and having the tiny scene it does - I just dont wanna tread on the wrong toes when I am so young! I often think to myself.. maybe being lonely is infact a better idea!?!?! Im sure everything will work itself out!
still lonely! - Sun Mar 7 23:37:37 1999

Lonely - Fear of rejection. The main cause of lonliness in my opinion. It is easier to be alone than to risk rejection. Life is full of risks. An easier way in may be to advertise on Pinkboard for someone to go clubbing with.
Panther - Mon Mar 8 9:07:12 1999

To New and Confused - Feb 8 :Back then a poor guy asked some very pertinent questions about signals in public pick up places such as the steam rooms. I just wish to reiterate them in the hope that someone will go read his letter and answer some of them. Sir I quite understand your situation and confusion. Whilst not quite as new (but almost) to that situation I guess the lack of reply is a typical comment on the level of care for guys of our age. Mate - in case you haven't realised it already - they just don't give a stuff.
Frustrated and dissolutioned - Mon Mar 8 20:07:46 1999

Depressed- did it occur to you that people give help where they can. As an 'out' lesbian i think that i can be helpful in some respects to others who are struggling with this. Do you think there is nothing to be gained from others experiences? I come into the conversation when i have something worthwhile to say. Who would it help if i started talking about Newcastles gay clubs, and other such things which are highly specific in content? I have absolutely no idea what they are like. The reason that the conversation dwells on more philosphical questions is that they are a common thread that many people have thought about or dealt with. As for the f**k you attitude, why do you expect that the glbt community is free from that? In any community there are people with attitude problems, but i think this page for starters illustrates one mans caring for others (the wonderful Panther), and the contribution that other people with no obligation make to help others.
jazz - Wed Mar 10 17:47:13 1999

jazz how are you darling?? depressed, if people aren't answering your questions why don't volunteer in some community organisation - an excellent way to meet genuine people - and then ask them the answers.
Mel - Wed Mar 10 22:05:59 1999

Hi Brothers and Sisters and all you hometerosexual types out there! This is my first attempt at spray-painting a wall. I've never condoned graffiti as a means of communication ... until now! This is a pretty cool site! I am a young for her age, 41 year old who is only now coming to terms with her sexuality. I believe I am gay, but then, a counsellor recently told me it, may be because of early childhood trauma and I may not be gay at all, only reacting to being molested repeateadly by 2 different women at two different times of my young life! (sniff!) It's a kind of sad story, but then so many of our stories are. The thing is, I really love life and people no matter who they are. I am trying to come to terms with who I really am and I am finding it difficult meeting like minded souls out there. I tend to be shy and although I enjoy friendships etc. I am reluctant to venture our socially. Anybody out there know of safe ways to contact other lesbian-type ladies in the Sunshine Coast region? Anyway, thankyou to all those who are contributing to this site. I am learning a lot about how others are dealing with and feeling about these important issues. Keep shining the light!
Skye - Thu Mar 11 2:06:01 1999

just wanted to say that i came out a year ago and have been in a vicious cycle ever since. i am a 27 year old gay asian boy here in sydney. didnt know that being scene and asian is usually taken as free and easy. ive met many guys but most of them only wants a quick hop in the sack esp if they r caucasians. is this the general feeling out there towards asians? just someone for take away and discard the next day?
forlorn before dawn - Thu Mar 11 15:02:08 1999

Hi I came out to about 4 of my closer friends late last year with mixed reactions. I am 40. One of my friends had sensed I was a little different from her other female friends although she wasn't sure why. Another friend just laughed nervously when I told her. The 3rd friend was completely accepting and very supportive. If anything this sharing has strengthened our relationship. She is heterosexual, but has no problem with me being otherwise. The 4th friend has put quite a bit of distance between us while she figures out for herself, what if anything, it all means. I doubt our friendship will survive the news. As far as I am concerned, the fact that I am a lesbian really doesn't change any of these friendships, other than bringing more information about who I am to the relationship. I am keen to meet other lesbian women to learn more about what it is to be gay and to establish some warm friendships with those who feel we might be compatible as friends. I live on the Sunshine Coast and write poetry and songs. I am an artist also and really appreciate friendships. I value honesty, intelligence and creativity. There is a lot of room in my life for compassion, kindness and gentleness. I am pretty new at this and just want to take it slow until I meet the right people to share my time and warmth with.
Skye II - Thu Mar 11 16:26:47 1999

forlorn before dawn - I think that is more the scene rather than your nationality. It does tend to be very much a meat market. Maybe try different venues or talking with different people.
Panther - Thu Mar 11 19:47:56 1999

The net is a wonderful thing. I have been 'out' for about 2 months now and this board has really helped to realise that what I have been feeling and experiencing is not unique. In my totally hetro world I don't know where I would have gone without it.
dilemma - Thu Mar 11 20:17:06 1999

J - thanks for responding to my message. I just started at a new uni and tried to join the queer club there. Unfortunately, they seem to be pretty poorly represented - they had no stall at o'week, and when i got up the courage to ring them i was put through to the src who took a message, but no one has rung me. I also tried to join the sexuality collective, but no response to my email. Started to get a little paranoid, wondering why I would be getting snubbed by people who haven't even met me. Wise friend reminded me people are usually out to look after themselves, so I guess some strangers requests are going to come somewhere down the list. Its nice to think that this board isn't like that!! A question for anyone who's interested. I have come out to a few friends, 3 to be precise, but they were all guys. I have a couple of close female friends who I want to tell, but I'm scared. Although I know that they are not homophobic, and have no real reason to fear their response, I'm finding it difficult to tell them. I think maybe they'll think I've had feelings for them, or something like that. Has anyone else found it easier to come out to friends of the opposite sex?
Sheeba - Fri Mar 12 0:07:52 1999

Back again for another shot at the biggest question in my life. Last year I was "scared" on the Coming Out Wall IV. I've thought alot since then. Especially the "I am gay - I am not gay" kind of thought. At the moment I'm in my bisexual phase - I think men are sexy but still find woman attractive. I'm not really too disturbed by that thought - as Popeye the Sailor used to say "I yam what I yam". So what's the problem ? Well its just the "married with two children" part of my life (Hi "dilemma 27/2/99). Recently I thought "be a sports shoe - just do it" and cruised the Pinkboard Personals. There was one that attracted my attention so I replied. I thought "naaa - I'll never hear from him, some other 'hot young stud' will get his attention". But he did respond, and I've replied to set up a date. Now I am scared shitless !!(sorry Panther, pardon the language) Am I doing the right thing ? I've course I'm not doing the right thing I'm going to cheat on my wife ! But I think "How will I ever know (you see I'm a "gay virgin") unless I test whether my thoughts match real life ?" Should I go through with this ?
In Agony formerly known as scared - Fri Mar 12 17:27:43 1999

In Agony - Difficult question which only you can really answer. There are a number of things to consider here: Firstly the cheating aspect. Maybe you can discuss some aspect(s) of this with your wife and see how she feels. Maybe you can sound her out. Maybe you can resolve your feelings about cheating some other way. Secondly your experimenting. Will you know after one. How will knowing affect your life. How will it affect your family. Do you really know already. Thirdly what effect will knowing have on you, and ultimately your marriage and family. I suppose finally are you being led by your groin or your head.

These are all difficult questions and you may need to discuss them with someone to help clarify your thinking such as a counsellor, or maybe just a friend.
Panther - Fri Mar 12 20:33:18 1999

Hey Dilemma, I too am a mother of 2 small children..I came out to my family and a few close friends about a year ago...not all went as anticipated or at best hoped for. I regretted for quite a few months my decision to tell my Mum and Dad mainly due to the fact that I had been married for 10 yrs and they would blame me for the marriage breakdown (which wasnt the case). As the months have gone by it has become easier and I now know that telling them was the best for all involved. I share my parents worries about my children and have promised to do all in my power to protect them as much as possible...but having said that I will also not hide who I am from them either. Life has a few bumpy and arduous roads ahead for the kids and I, but I am relishing the opportunity to finally be Me and tackle them head on.
Just Me - Mon Mar 15 19:46:04 1999

Hi, I was wondering if someone could help me out. I'm a 17 y.o. dyke. When I first came out it was to brief friend, now 6 months down the track we're inseperable, it had been made quite clear to me that she was not gay. However, lately she has been dropping subtle hints. I really do not know what to do, is she genuine or merely just being a smartarse? How do I confront her?
Thu Mar 18 0:05:54 1999

Sheeba - it can certainly be hard coming out to straight female friends. I had one particularly bad experience where I think she thought I might try to come on to her (it was in her house and we were alone). I think you just have to make sure you tell them in an appropriate, non-threatening situation and as long as you are sure of what your feelings are for them it should be ok. Sometimes we underestimate people. A lot of people have responded better than I thought. By the way, if you don't mind my asking, which uni do you go to?
J - Thu Mar 18 11:29:40 1999

J- what you say is right, and I know it, its just a matter of getting up the nerve. I'm at Macquarie Uni, and am a bit disappointed with the social life so far. It doesn't help that my classes are at night, and the majority of people in them are middle aged. Thing is I'm rarely at uni during the day, so I don't get to see any advertised events or meetings. What about you? Which uni do you go to? My email, if you want to write to me personally, is sheeba76@hotmail.com
sheeba - Thu Mar 18 22:36:37 1999

Thu Mar 18 0:05:54 1999 - How about asking her directly, or maybe something a bit less confrontational would be to say "I sense that you have something difficult/important to tell me."
Panther - Fri Mar 19 8:49:07 1999

I got the shits very badly when I finally decided.."I am Gay". What about the dream we were fed? The wife, the kids, the love, the pleasure of parenting, the sharing of the relationship, the fights, the sex? And at age 46 I am in deep depression because I really believe (in my own dark little heart) that not everybody is as supportive of gay people as we like to think. I am also very resentful about coming out now because I'm not a physically beautiful specimen anymore. That's quite humorous really, because when you look at all the models on the internet, and then compare them to the people you meet in a bar or sauna, it's like "What? Where are all the guys with the big dicks and the beautiful abs, and the oily bodies and tight buns?" Ripped off. I'm pissed off with the fantasy we create for ourselves, when all I really want is love and physical affection, in that order, please. I guess time will heal the hurt and my childish resentment, and I can enjoy the fact of not being responsible for a wife and kids (I take on enough responsibility in other parts of my life anyway, and people are just so grateful that I do it.) The future actually looks quite bright, and I might even meet a man in my day to day life instead of the smokiness of an alcohol induced haze, or the darkness of a sauna wher nobody seems to be able to speak and smile. Well, that's my little spiel. Life is tough for a while, and then all of a sudden, there is a brilliant flash of light or a moment of understanding that is pure serendipity. Good Luck Everybody
Grudgingly Gay - Sat Mar 20 0:01:48 1999

I love reading Panther's positive messages...makes me feel so much better myself. I'm 17 and half-out....I totally empathise with Jen, some days I feel completely comfortable with being a lesbian, other days i think "What are you thinking?".... One of the problems is I keep reading that homosexuality is somehting you are supposed to know all your life... I never felt that way ! Looking back, i can recall fantasies about both men and women, and dreams of marriage and children.....but now it's pretty much exclusively lesbian (still want the kids). I guess we all have to just go with the flow, be what we are, not get all hung up on labels. But it's hard because the whole process of coming out is about labelling yourself.... I mean "mum, dad, im gay" is a whole lot simpler than "well you see, i like girls, but maybe someday ill like boys and i dont know where these feelings come from etc etc" which would probably lead to it being dismissed as "just a phase". My friends and most of my school year knows about me but not my parents. They might suspect it though.... in a depressed period a few months ago i told them i was having an "identity crisis", they must wonder why i watch Xena....i'll come out to them soon, i will ! Also i would be interested in joining some kind of support/social group but cant seem to find any where i live, central coast nsw (between sydney and newcastle)
ev - Sat Mar 20 18:24:21 1999

I recently told my parents I am gay, and I must say the relief I felt wasn't all that great at all. I must say I was expecting some kind of earth moving experience, this however was not the case. I had been out to my friends for almost three years and practically everyone that knows me knows that I am gay. So finally I decided to tell my parents, I made this out to be the biggest thing that had ever happened to me I was going to tell them and that was that. So after three failed attempts I mustered up the courage and there response was " Ive known that since you were fifteen " said mum and " Ian Roberts is gay isnt he " was dads response. So all I am trying to say is well in my case and Ime sure alot of other peoples cases (not everyone though) its really not that bigger deal for parents to handle, this is the nineties after all, just imagine trying to do the same thing in the fifties - impossible. I think we should all be gratefull for todays tolerant society, hey its not perfect by any means but it sure is a lot better then what it was and seems to be getting better all the time.
Get over it - Sydney - Sun Mar 21 12:29:38 1999

I reckon that's pretty true, get over it. I know really my parents probably dont really give a damn about my sex life so long as i'm happy. The main prob is not so much coming out to your parents, but coming out to yourself first. By telling them it's making it real and definite, there's no turning back.
ev - Sun Mar 21 16:37:10 1999

I am gay and want to come out but due to denying it in the past, to people close to me, I guess I am scared of being thought of as a hypocrite or liar. The one friend I fear of losing the most is my brother, and since alot of my friends are also his friends i am worried that he will find out before I am ready to tell him. I have read 'a lot' of coming out stories online and none of them seem to have this sort of problem, where many of their friends are also friends of a member of their family, and i am just not ready to come out to my family yet but I 'really' want to come out to my friends. Is there anyone out there who is or has been in this sort of situation?
Thinking - Mon Mar 22 3:43:17 1999

Thinking - Are you sure this is the reason you don't want to come out? There are still lots of reasons to lie in the first place about being gay, like being scared of the reactions. I suggest finding someone you can talk to about this. Talk to someone who is gay, or choose one of your friends who you think will cope with knowing and keep the secret.
Panther - Mon Mar 22 8:48:54 1999

Hahaha, I'll start with a laugh... because I mean who am I comming out to here??? Myself? As far as I know I'm not gay, but well let me get to the point: in high school (which wern't that long ago as i'm 21) I was madley, deeply in love with my friend. Well he was a guy. normally I don't go for guys, but I still think of him evey day even though it's been nigh on 4?? years since we stopped talking. Hmmmm, what do you reckon my problem is? Am I even bi? It all seems so dramatic that I don't bother thingking about it, but sometimes the pain of not ever seeing hima anymore is sooooo much..... eeeekkk, someone help me
Feanor - Tue Mar 23 21:38:12 1999

Hey Feanor...why worry trying to pigeon hole yourself. Who can bother labelling themselves gay,straight, bi, green , orange, purple. you don't need to, just to identify with yourself. Just do what you wanna as long as you are willing to accept the consequences, be them good or bad
buff boy - Thu Mar 25 12:15:58 1999

Feanor, why don't ypu call him?
ev - Thu Mar 25 17:31:22 1999

Yeah, thanks Buff Boy, thats what I try and keep in mind. What don't I call him ev?? Ahhhhhh, I do have my pride you know
Thu Mar 25 22:18:08 1999

Feanor - It sounds as if you are stuck in some sort of grieving process. You need to accept somehow that this is past and move on. Only after you have resolved this can you discover who you really are. I would suggest that you get some professional for this.
Panther - Fri Mar 26 8:55:53 1999

Ok, well, I typed a really heart felt something, butapparently the whatever didnt likr the two or three caspitsal laetters (shouting)..... so stuff it... thanks for nothing panther, would you pleaseeeee review whatever code it is that wont let me post an hnest message, and yes i am pissed, and yes, i really wanted to leve a sinclere messge :(
Sat Mar 27 1:36:59 1999

Oh thants thaT ptjhetic Feanor by the way.... dah!! damn cpas... i'll never forge any silmarills anyway...
Sat Mar 27 1:41:57 1999

Oy! I'm Feanor and no one else can forge Silamrils excpet me!!!!!
Sat Mar 27 2:55:10 1999

My first visit to this page. I see so many familiar predicaments and feelings. I am in a strong m/f relationship, engaged and also in love with a woman - who is in her own relationship with a f. I am heart strung over her, she doesn't know my true feelings. Also, I love my man and can even talk to him 'bout all this, but sees it as an opportunity to get his rocks off. In addition, I'm xteeemly needful of sx now and he, strangely, isn't. I'm sad and confused. Please help. Ursula1mil@hotmail.com
Sun Mar 28 2:17:12 1999

Hi all, what a great rescource this is! I am in a bit of a predicament over a friend who I feel is going to make the mistake of his life by getting married soon. He has over the last few months spent some time crying over both mine and my boyfriends shoulders about his sexuality. We as friends offered what advice we could to "go with what feels right to you" etc. he admitted that deep down he felt he was gay, but couldn't break off his engagement out of "obligation" to his fiance and her parents! What worse reason to get married! We care very much for our friend amd don't want to loose his friendship by being negative, but how do we help him from a potentially miserable mistake? Any suggestions?
D & J, Brisbane - Wed Mar 31 16:21:15 1999

Tell him he's under more of an obligation to be truthful to his partner. It would be hard for him, but getting married will only make it worse- it wont last. She'd be more upset to find out in 10 years he's been living a double life
Wed Mar 31 18:48:10 1999

hi ,iam 40 and divorced imasturbate at night thinking about a guy on top of me pumping away(face to face and kissing).The touble is that ive never been with a guy before - does it hurt iam really scared that the whole thing would be spoilt by excessive pain,what would be the best position.if i ever happen to give a guy a head job is it unhealthy to swallow iwould like to hear opinons from a lot of men so they can contact at caviaree66@hotmail.com
impatient - Fri Apr 2 0:01:55 1999

To D & J, stop him - somehow!!! I recently dined with someone who is that one step further down the track. He's early 30's and has been married for about 6 years. Now he has 2 kids, (loved very much), but is in the awful predicament of now having to come to terms with the fact that he should never have got married. Now he has to work out if he should tell all and sacrifice the marriage, kids, career etc etc, or continue on as is. Point is, neither are attractive options and both are avoidable by your friend. If your friend has the slightest glimmer of doubt...don't do it. He must be true to himself and also to his fiance.....far better to deal with it now than later when it's immeasurably harder. You aren't being negative, you're being honest - and if you didn't love and value him as a friend you wouldn't be here. Be firm. Make him sit down and read this page! Just don't let him screw up 2 lives. Keep us posted and the best of luck!
Mark - Fri Apr 2 18:06:29 1999

impatient - Anal sex can hurt. It depends on how large the dick is and how much you can relax your sphincter. Using lots of lube helps. Make sure it is water based as any other type doesn't work with condoms. Make sure you always use condoms. I find lying on my side and pulling my knees up makes it easier. Other things can also help you relax, like alcohol. For oral sex, there is a risk of HIV infection, especially if there are cuts or ulcers in the mouth or on the dick. Don't do it just after brushing your teeth. It is believed that stomach acids destroy the virus, but I don't know whether that is proven. There are other STDs also, such as gonhorrea, that you need to be careful of. Safest is again to use condoms for oral sex.
Panther - Fri Apr 2 20:06:10 1999

Hi, Iam a first timer on this wall.Divorced with one child.Throughout my adolesence I've worried that i may be a lesbian (I had been drawn to 3 women but not actually sexually. although I maybe did not want to think about it). Anyway, at 30 a girl at my gym has got me in such a spin!!! It was not as if I was looking for someone let alone another woman, but I found myself very attracted to her (physically and pretty much right away).It has completely rocked my world. At first I was very distraught about my sexual feelings but I have accepted it. We had been exchanging looks (I've caught her looking at me at which point she would look away and vice versa), then smiles then small talk. Now we are just starting to meet for coffee,etc. We have so much in common, but more significantly, we have made a real connection. Before I started chatting with her I already knew that we would really get along. Regardless of my attraction to her.We are both single, and I feel as though she is trying to find out about my sexual orientation. I'm not real sure about her(she mentioned that she likes Tony Martin-Wildside)but no more talk of men in this way. I'm crazy about her. What should I do?
Dizzy - Fri Apr 2 23:04:05 1999

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