Pinkboard: Coming Out Graffiti Wall IV

The Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service of NSW has just launched their website. It features WWWilma the WWW Counsellor (dial 5). WWWilma includes an extensive section on Coming Out. You may find it useful to look through this.

Feel free to ask questions or share your coming out experiences. If you have a longer story please email it to me (Panther).

Well someone has gotta start the new board off, guess it may as well be me. I don't know about coming out to my family. I am out to friends, and am slowly making gay friends, but i still don't know when and how to tell my family. I'm 17, and i know who i am but i doubt that they'll accept it as anything more than a phase. I don't know that i can put up with the rubbish that i am sure they will throw at me because they don't understand.They will pretend they're fine with it but try to convince me that i have just made a mistake. It seems like a lot of effort to make, to get a bad response. On the other hand i feel that i am keeping somehting very important about myself from them, which is bad too because we've always been pretty honest with each other. Most of my friends think i should keep it to myself until i move out, but i can't afford to do that, and probably wont until i finish uni. I don't know that i can keep a secret that long. Most of all i don't want to make a big deal out of what is to me (after a long process) just something else that sets me apart.I need them to accept it and move on, so i can get on with life, but i know that can't happen, so i don't know what i should do
Wed May 6 15:13:27 1998

Sometimes dropping hints works well. They start thinking something may be "different" about you and start dealing with it before you actually tell them. If you do this for long enough then they might even accept you before you come out. Just little things like, "I'm not planning to get married." Only talking about people of the same sex at parties. Even always going out with people of the same sex.
Panther - Wed May 6 19:00:25 1998

I have been reading the stories - secretly for a while and finally got up the courage to add my story - conjused as it may be!! You spend your earlier life wondering if you are gay or not - and suppressing your thoughts and feelings. Then you get to 40 - your in a profession, married with one child and those feelings haven't gone away. You start to realise that long years of depression and anger may be a result of ignoring those thoughts. You start to take a few tentative steps - talking to gay friends -( yes it does start to make more sense.) Then you start to talk to supportive female friends- they can see why you are so fu--ed up. Your wife has asked you several times are you a closet gay?? Have you gone too far?? Then you start to think more about the damage you will do - to your wife and son and yourself. You also start to see that everything seems to be aimed at younger people. Next the question - have you missed the boat?? Where to next?? Is it enough to finally acknowledge to yourself that you are very likely gay?? (Or could you just be bi??) Or is it enough to come out to some people and never to others?? I tried to slam this door shut again - but the anger got worse. Now the confusion!! to come out fully, to try and lead a double life, to try and get the door shut -or just to try and accept what/ who I am and my feelings about other men and to try and make some more gay friends -so that sometimes I can let my true self out. Sorry - the more I write the more confused I get. One fact is present - this is not an easy process.
dugite98@yahoo.com - Wed May 6 19:43:12 1998

Hi, I don't know what i am yet, i am a 19 year old girl and i like both girls and guys. i have to say though, to "angry dike in boston" why, if you don't care what "they" think, are you so upset about it? Please don't take this as a personal attack. i just think that there are a lot of hetero people out there who really do care. i know that it is hard to get ahead in a straight world, but if you let these people get to you, you are only hurting *you*. i hope that you were only venting your feelings, and that you aren't upset all the time, as noone has the right to take your happiness away. yes, there are some bourgeouis liberals who will jump on any bandwagon deemed politically correct, but most people who fight for a cause really do want results. anyway, i hope you get your joy back, and take care.
supercat - Thu May 7 3:48:17 1998

Dugite: You are facing some very difficult and emotional decisions. It is times like these when friends are not necessarily skilled enough to help, though their support is invaluable. I suggest that you contact your local Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service, or even a sympathetic professional counsellor. A good counsellor will not try to convince you that you are anything, or to do anything in particular, but will rather help you find the options/path that is best for you.
Panther - Thu May 7 8:55:03 1998

I'm a 29yo male who has fully accepted that he is gay. For years I led a double life as a bisexual. I still truly believe that I was. All my close personal friends (who were mostly heterosexuals) knew about me and they didn't care what I was because I was still me - it wasn't ever an issue. But as far as family and work were concerned, I was just a single guy, too busy to get into a relationship. As the years went on, I started changing my percentages about my sexual preferences, until finally last year, I accepted that I just had no desire to sleep with a woman again (the last time was 1993). I had some excellent girl friends at work who used to take me out to gay clubs a lot, which is where I had the most fun. I realised who I was and no longer skipped the topic if anybody asked if I was gay. I would never advertise the fact, but if asked, I now reply Yes. Late last year I wrote a letter to my parents and told them I was gay. Tomorrow (Mum's Day) is the first time I will see them since the letter. As far as I know, they are OK with it all. It really doesn't matter to me anyway, because now that I've told them, I no longer cares who knows. It's not an easy process for anyone, and for everyone it's different. All I know is that since I came out to my parents, my world has been a lot easier.
daggs@bluep.com - Sat May 9 18:09:36 1998

come out come out wherever you are!
Tue May 12 15:48:20 1998

I am now 34 been through a few relationships my present relationship now being 3 years old. My friends know my sexual preferences and they accept this. Though I haven't come out to my family. I don't think in my case that is plausable. My family all live in Queensland while I now live in Sydney and have for the last 6 months prior to this I lved in Melbourne for about 7 years. In my mind it's " What they don't know won't hurt them " I live here, they live there..-- That's my attitude I guess what I am trying to say is do what you feel is right for you not for you think is right for everybody else. It's your life and you have to live it. You decide what is right and what is wrong for you. Think before you make any decisions.. Don't just do what everyone else say you should do, do it for yourself.
tony.c@start.com.au - Wed May 13 11:54:18 1998

Coming out is often only really an issue when you are in a new or your first relationship. You may feel your family or friends already know but it is just never discussed. When you have a partner you may want to let the everyone know - you're proud and rightfully so. Everyone deserves to be loved, and everyone wants to share that love. My suggestion is, and this is only by my personal experience, you can approach the other party (parents) in a non-confrontational way by asking them very simply if there is anything they would like to know or ask about you and your newfound partners' relationship/friendship/or however you describe it. It opens the dialogue and you can say as much or as little as you like. No guarantees, but it worked for me, and since then appears to be working for my new partner as well.
Rod - Sat May 16 18:22:59 1998

A beautiful, loving wife, good education and burgeoning career, nice home, 26 years passed, the whole world at my feet. But stuck in a life which is not really my own. So I came out. To my wife, my family, her family, our friends, my colleagues, the dog... you get the idea. And a year later, I know this is the best thing I could ever have done. I am lucky my experience has been so wonderful. I have lost none of my family or friends, even my best friend for life - my wife, for she has been the most supportive person in my life. This experience only proves how pure and strong our love is. I pay tribute to my wife, who has moved on to a new life, but has chosen to still include me in it, to my family, who have handled their disappointment and shock with dignity and courage, and to our friends, who have accepted me for me, not who they thought I was. And finally, I express my eternal gratitude and love for my 'coming out mentors', who led me, a stranger, through the toughest time of my life with no judgement passed and no favour asked. Now the world is mine in truth.
brisboy@geocities.com - Mon May 18 22:15:50 1998

Rod: People also come out for many other reasons, such as they would like to tell the truth and share a part of their lives with people they love. Having a partner or supportive friends does make coming out easier.
Panther - Tue May 19 8:45:40 1998

Hi guys, I need some advice, if you are interested see my section dated today in the love: fever graffiti section. This is my favourite site so I'm looking for answers here.
ade - Mon May 25 15:01:36 1998

Help. I have no one at all to talk about my sexuality. I am 18 and live in Newcastle. I need some gay friends around 18 to talk to.
Bethan_Williams@hotmail.com - Wed Jun 3 17:29:31 1998

Hi everyone l am a 25 year old female and have liked females since l was a teenager but never did anything about my first experience was about a year ago and l loved it, l have lived with 3 guys and after 6 months have gotten bored with the relationship and longed to be with anouther female, l am still living with my boyfriend but now realise what l want l just have to make the move out, lt has taken alot of time for me to realise why these relationships weren't working but now l have and with net sites like these it's easier for me to meet people. Anyone in my situation and like to talk you can email me on.................... lickme26@hotmail.com. Thank-you panther for having a site like this for us. Melbourne, Victoria.
Bec - Thu Jun 4 10:19:20 1998

its always hard coming out...but never lose sight of who you are and what you want...
lysergide - Tue Jun 9 23:30:44 1998

I'm sort of like Dugite, the 40 year old man who is married and has a child. I'm a 41 year old woman who after a year of depression and near suicide has finally faced her queerness. Yes, I am a lesbian. It has been hard for me to say that. With the help of a good friend I made it through. But my marriage is dead. I don't think it is fair to the spouse of a closet gay. You must let her go, Dugite and try to spend your energies in getting a good divorce where your child will be minimally hurt. My husband and I have agreed that is the key. I can't tell you what a load was lifted when I told a friend about my attraction to other women. After hours of conversations with her I sorted things out. It became clear that my husband waas dissatisfied with the marriage too. So we split as friends. Some days I'm absolutely terrified of what I am. But I sleep better at night, I'm calmer, and I will survive. So will my son.
Anne - Sat Jun 13 13:07:43 1998

sometimes i think i must be either a lesbian or bi. then the next day i think "how on earth could i think that?" I know there have been women with whom i have fallen in love, but there have also been men with whom i have fallen in love. i am only 16, and people tell me i am too young to understand my feelings, but i have been falling for women as well as men since i was 12. I guess i am just confused. i would really like to meet some other gay, lesbian & bi (or unsure) teenagers but it's really hard. the only way to meet other queers in brisbane is to go to the bars, but i won't be old enough for another two years. and, i know for sure that my parents would kick me out if they found out i feel this way.... and then i would have to live in the gutter. i'm sorry. i know this must sound hopelessly self obsessed and up myself but i really don't know what to do or how to deal with this.
Phraser (a confused brisbane chick) - Sun Jun 14 21:55:33 1998

life sucks. i'm ending it. see you in hell (which is where we are all suposedly going to end up anyway) or whatever.
Phraser (a clear headed, cool, calm and collected brisbane chick) - Sun Jun 14 21:59:58 1998

To phraser. Life sucks you recon, well i seem to disagree. I just got over the most obsessive love for a close friend of mine, I thought of ending my life over it, but then i realised how stupid i was being. There is no point letting these problems get to you. Just keep going and it'll all work out one day if you try hard enough. And my theory is hell isn't such a bad place, if no bad things happened to you in life, with what would you compare the good times, happiness is only happiness because it is relative to sadness. Just think how happy you'll be when this small sad period in your life has gone away. Just smile and get on with life until someone who understands walks in!
Cam - Sun Jun 14 22:45:35 1998

Phraser: Puberty can be a really horrible time. All those hormones running around making changes in your body and your emotions. Emerging sexuality. Life gets better, much better. See if you can find a way to hang on. In the meantime, you are right that you can know your sexual orientation. Some people seem to know it very early (even about 8 years old), and some only later in life. As you said you need to find someone to talk to, to discuss your issues. Phone the Brisbane Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service. They will be able to talk with you about all sorts of things. They may also be able to point you to a group where you can meet other lesbians or bis.
Panther - Mon Jun 15 8:52:17 1998

Phraser, i have been where you are now. I am a 17yr old lesbian in Adelaide, and know how you feel. If you want to talk email me at jazz_28@hotmail.com, i am more than happy to listen.
jazz - Tue Jun 16 9:03:41 1998

Can anyone tell me where there are public meeting places for gay people. Other than pubs and clubs.
Tue Jun 16 11:11:12 1998

Which state? Generally there are unofficial gay cafes etc
Tue Jun 16 16:04:55 1998

Also try community groups. There are all sorts of groups - social, sport, support, political, religious, university, and other special interests. See Pinkboard Community Group Listings.
Panther - Tue Jun 16 19:33:52 1998

"Coming Out" is alot like cooking a souffle (work with me here) If you time it right it blossoms and is sweet to the taste. If you dont - it flops. Take it from somone who flopped - it takes a loooooooooong to blossom after that. Be patient - dont run - walk and take time to enjoy and explore each moment -they dont last for ever . Other than that - be happy and dont hurt anyone. Sycophantic smooch to panther :) hehe
boypussy86@hotmail.com - Tue Jun 16 22:29:00 1998

Coming out - the concise version according to Jamos: Father - Did you go to Mardi Gras? I watched it on TV. Mother - It's those rotten queer friends of yours - you're not to see them any more. Sister1 - You're going straight to hell you know. Brother1 - You bloody mummy's boy. Sister2 - A gay is a gay is a gay Mum, get used to it. Besides, they do great dance parties and have their own radio station. Brother2 - I'm glad I'm in brisbane away from the lot of you. Jamos - If people accept me, great. If they don't - there's a diagnosis for that and many a cure. Mum still bursts out crying every Mardi Gras (I came out 12 years ago). I say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. The most important thing to remember when people take it bad is that you haven't changed, you're the same person as you were yesterday. It's they who have to look into their own hearts and churn up their own dark prejudices - and nobody likes doing that!
Jamos 4 eva homo - Wed Jun 17 21:59:39 1998

PS - a born-again sister is always a tricky one. The solution is to go and read the bible and quote it back to them. A long approach but very satisfying, not to mention educational, in the end.
Jamos 4 eva homo - Wed Jun 17 22:13:54 1998

I believe there is quote "evry day is a winding road." Sometimes it is a little hard to see the destination. I am out only to a few. This shows a distinct lack of trust on my part, toward those who say they love me. I am the kind of person who is not apparent in the person that they are. My overt nature is one which displays me as being me, and yet I draw back from the event which will show the extent of the love that others really do have for me. Yes, I know everyone has a right to be loved. Yes, I realise that eveyone is his (or her) own person. And yes, I realise how I must seem a coward. I suppose an analogy could be drawn from a chick sleeping (cramped, but comfortably) within an egg. It's instincts tell it that outside there is a whole new world for it to explore, full of new experiences and life. Were the chick never to break through its cosy albion, it would never grow up to be fine, healthy specimen we see at Safeways for $5.99 on special. Sorry, I know I kinda ruined my story, but I'm insensitive like that sometimes. Anyway, my meaning is this : it's terribly easy to understand the theory and logical facillitation of coming out, but for those of us who are still hiding down the bottom of the closet, we have to ask "Is it worth the risk - for me as an individual?" I'm still asking.
demondancer@hotmail.com - Thu Jun 18 17:21:44 1998

Demondancer: Coming Out is a very individual process. We should only come out to the extent we feel ready to. Today you may feel that you belong in the closet. Tomorrow you may fall in love and want to tell the world.
Panther - Thu Jun 18 20:38:46 1998

I ran into a friend yesterday, a forty year old man who had closetted himself all his life, building a false family world and surrounding himself with stiff, intolerant "friends". After so long he has decided he couldn't take it anymore - left everything and moved to Sydney. Now he's pierced his ear and dresses like an 18 year old - an mature aged man chasing a young gay life that he never experienced. He says he wished he'd been honest with himself earlier - cause now he doesn't fit in anywhere. I'm not criticising him for waiting so long, but I'm sorry for him that he did......
Jamos - Sat Jun 20 2:42:27 1998

I came out when I was 23. I am a radio announcer in the town I'm from, so I was scared that people would find out who I was. I gave myself a different named and lied about where I worked. It didn't take me long to realize that this was stupid. I'd been pretending I was straight for so long, and now I wasn't even being honest about who I am. I'm now OUT. Although on the radio, still straight :-). I told all my friends and eventually told my best friend my mum. It was all pretty easy On me..Which I'm thankfull for.
Ty - Sat Jun 20 16:03:21 1998

I have not come out to my parents, relations, friends and collegues. I did write to one friend a couple of Christmases ago saying I had come out, and I never got a reply! I have not been able to develop any gay friends and feel very lonely at times. I am now at quite a mature age and feel I may have missed the boat to find a loving partner. I've only had one gay relationship and that was twenty five years ago, which lasted only about a year. He was an alcoholic, but our love is something I will always remember and cherish.
Mickyle@sv.net.au - Sun Jun 21 17:57:30 1998

Dugite and Anne, I have sexual feelings for other men. I feel that my marriage and my two sons are my only life boat in a vast and threatening sea. I love my wife and my children, they love me. How can I discard their love ? How can I discard my own love for them ? How can I throw myself from the boat into the sea ?
scared - Mon Jun 22 10:24:30 1998

Mickyle: It is never too late to find loving. As a mature person, though, it is harder to find youth that loves you for yourself. Much easier to find other mature men.
Panther - Mon Jun 22 19:43:24 1998

Scared: Two things here: First, telling your loved ones about your sexuality doesn't mean loosing their love (though it may sometimes). And you don't need to change how you feel about them. You don't have to leave your wife and family just because you tell them you like men.

Also, there are many ways to handle your sexual feelings for other men without breaking up your marriage. Some men have agreements with their wife that they can go and do things (maybe with certain conditions). Others just do it behind their wifes back. If you do have sex outside you marriage, make sure it is safe so you don't bring anything unpleasant back to you wife. Another way is to accept the feelings and choose to do nothing with them.
Panther - Mon Jun 22 20:05:07 1998

Panther, I take it you are a gay man yes? It's much easier to "come out" straight than gay yes? If all gay men accepted their feelings and did nothing about them there would be no gay men. This suggests to me that it is a hazardous path to accept feelings and do nothing about them. Everything held down bubbles to the surface....
Jamos - Mon Jun 22 22:38:32 1998

Jamos: Yes I am a gay man. We can't come out straight, because we are assumed to be straight until we do come out. If we weren't all assumed to be straight, then coming to terms with our own sexuality would not be as difficult. It would be an expected part of growing up (for most people).

Different degrees of coming out are right for different people. Some people will never come out even to themselves. Some people burst out of the closet all at once. Some people do it over various time periods and to different degrees.

You are right that suppressing feelings of any sort does lead to all sorts of (usually detrimental) effects, for instance depression, but suppressing the sexuality itself is probably worse than suppressing acting on your sexuality. (I had better bow out here. I'm not a psychiatrist.)

Oh, and crossing the road is hazardous. Starting a new job is hazardous. Life is hazardous.
Panther - Tue Jun 23 20:20:25 1998

Panther. I sometimes wonder whether all these categories "gay, straight" aren't part of the anguish. It seems to me that all these hang ups people have on their sexuality come a lot from the need to identify with something, as if once we say "I'm gay" our whole lives miraculously transform. Perhaps it's an Anglo hang up. I wonder whether Mongolian horseriders or Bantu tribesmen worry themelves over their sexual identity.
Jamos - Tue Jun 23 21:55:53 1998

Coming Out for me was the hardest thing I have done in my 22 years on this planet. Being so close to my mother and not wanting to hurt her in any way shape or form was the paramount concern for me. But the day I told her it all happened so quickly, she knew I was upset and when she said to me "Adam What's the matter" I burst into tears. I said to myself this is it Buddy Now or never. I had also watched a rerun of the Deads Poets society the day before. "seize the day" I had written a letter full of all my thoughts, feelings, and about my sexuality and how much I loved my mum and did not want anything to change. I said to her Please don't have a heart attack. I gave her the letter and she read it and Hugged me and said "Adam your my baby boy and I could never love you any less" I was still crying at this point and I just could not believe how well she took it. It was the biggest Relief of my life. I still smile looking back on it now. I know it's not the same for everyone but I just thought I would tell those who are thinking of doing it. Good luck.
Adam - Wed Jun 24 16:20:09 1998

You're a lucky boy Adam
Jamos - Wed Jun 24 22:57:49 1998

I sort of have one foot (or maybe just a toe) out at the moment. Im 48 married with 2 kids and all the usual family issues to deal with - plus one more wild card - my wife has an incurable disease which means she depends almost totally on my support - financial physical and emotional. The prognosis is that her disease will just get worse and linger for many years yet. I have told her (admitted) that I have an attraction for men but apart from a few fumbling attempts to explore - to date it has been reduced to graphic material and internet. I have been seeing a counsellor for some 8 weeks now (suffering from depression - not all attributable to my sexuality) and during that time I have come to realise that I am not guilty for my feelings - I am guilty for not disclosing them for probably about 15 years. The counselling is helping in most ways but I am trying to seek some compromises from her (whatever they may be) where I am free to explore my feelings and get a better understanding of myself. At the moment that is causing a real threat for her and I understand that. It is a really difficult time in our relationship - but I know now that I cant go back and that life as we know it will probably change. For me - I need to explore this hidden and suppressed part of my life but to do it in the most gentle and loving way as I can. I have sought the advice of other guys in the same position and to a degree that has helped - although they are not always easy to find. I think same sex issues for married men must be a really difficult position - although some gay friends seem to have the opinion it is just because we could not make up our mind at some time. I would appreciate any comments from the floor
spank_ey@hotmail.com - Fri Jun 26 12:08:17 1998

The Gay and Lesbian Social Support Network is a social group for gay men, lesbians and bisexuals who are 25 and under in Sydney's Southern Suburbs. We meet in Kogarah and are jointly funded by the South Eastern Area Health Service and Eastern Area Services for Youth. Activities include: social evenings, information, and guest speakers. Contacts: Sally - 9382 8346 Barry - 9382 8336
gedgar@hotmail.com - Thu Jul 2 12:38:11 1998

I'am 35,single, male, and a sole perant.It's not your perants or your friends ,IT,S!! your teenage children youneed to tell. How do I do this, with out loosing them.
James - Sun Jul 5 4:11:31 1998

Ok, I spelt parent wrong and I left out my e-mail address, But I realy would appreciate some help in telling my teenage son. stevejs@cobweb.com.au
Sun Jul 5 4:27:00 1998

Hi - its me again - Dugite - haven't visited this site for a while now - and after reading the other letters - decided to write some more - a lot has happened since I wrote my confusing letter. Firstly - I have had some really nice people send me emails to lend support - it was really appreciated. Well - what happened??? Lust got the better of me and so I decided to put an ad on the pinkboard - took a lot of courage for me to do that - but thought - if I don't try this out - how will I ever know if I am gay or not. Trouble was - I got too careless - and my wife found me at the puter reading some letters!!!!!!!!!!! Well - all I can say is it has been very interesting to say the least. I know she has suspected that I was interested in men - but to actually find out that I am - has been pretty overwhelming for her. We are still together - just - but life has been really difficult - for both of us. She now feels a failure and that she has done something wrong - and that I have been brainwashed by some gay people - and that if I am isolated from them - then I will get over this phase of my life. I am also going though the classic midlife crisis - according to her - and I tend to agree with this concept. It is now or never !! I don't know what the future holds at this present time - unfortunatly- but will try and avoid making any sudden decisions. I do know one thing - that I don't feel so alone in this process now - thanks to the pinkboard and the great people who read it and have taken the time to send an email. I have changed my email now - so as not to further inflame an inflamed situation - if you get my drift. Now call myself - gwardar - another snake - don't think I picked snake names for any particular reason!!( My wife and her friends may think otherwise!! lol) To Scared - it has been a great help to talk - via email to other people in similar situations - please feel free to email me - if you want - just knowing that we are not alone is a big help in itself. To Anne - it is also a great help to hear from women in similar situations. To the young people "coming out" - you have my utmost respect for the decisions you are making. gwardar90@yahoo.com
Fri Jul 10 20:31:16 1998

Hi, I'm a 17 year old guy and i know who i am, although i try to supress it infront of friends. I have felt gay for as long as i remember but previously i have tried to do as little about it as humanly possible, believing that i just hadent found the right girl yet!, well i doubt that any girl could change the way i feel and look at other men. i want to meet guys in the same situation as myself, because i have only associated myself with straight friends. Life is tough being young, gay and male, and i havent had the guts to 'come out' and i think it will take me a long time, because i have such a close relationship with my family, particularly my mum and brother and i dont want to jeopodise that for all the world. Hopefully i can stop lying to them soon, hopefully i can be my self and be proud of who i am and who i desire to be with.
Fri Jul 10 21:22:46 1998

Hi all, I'm a 44 yer old guy, 7 months ago, just as I was about to celebrate my 22nd Wedding Anniversary, I announced to my family, that is my immediate family, my kids and wife included that I was gay, and that it was time for me to move on and live my life as I always wanted to live it. And that is being "gay" and proud of it. Since that time, I have moved on, and am very happy with my new lifestyle, and the acceptance of my friends and acquaintances. It's funny, but when you "come out" at such a mature age, you feel like you've started your life again, and I look forward to meeting lots of new friends and "bed buddies".
Proud & Gay Newcastle - Tue Jul 14 9:16:23 1998

Hi, Im a 28,average Aussie guy, I have lived on my own for nearly 2 years now, Im not shure if Im bi, but & I love wearing girls clothing dresses, nighties stockings undies and even tried bras, I dont know why but I do, I only do it at night after a certain hour when I know I wont get any unexpected vists from my friends They dont know about this, Im also a virgin, although I have had relationships, with guys, privatly , I find im more comfortable with them than with girls, the girls always treat me as something differnt, I dont know, I have nearly been caught by my parents wearing a dress, I havent gone into the make up stuff which id like to but fear of loosing the love of my parents. Wehave always been close, I dont Know if Im gay? I feel that I am especialy when Im with boys I tend to get turned on but have to keep myself calm, Its also hard too cause im a christian, I play in my local church band. Some times I feel like I just want to have sex with some guy but he's not gay other times I just want to talk to some one about it, even privatly? I would like to come "OUT" but not sure if I should email me at knight-2000@usa.net.au if u have had a simmilar experiance.. Im also a nudist too, which makes it even harder!
Tue Jul 21 18:21:24 1998

Knight-2000: Phone your local gay & lesbian counselling service next time you need someone to talk to. It is totally anonymous as it is over the phone and you are in control as you can hang up whenever you want. Sometimes, you don't really click with the counsellor. It is OK to try a different counsellor. Just say that it isn't working for you and ask when another counsellor might be available. Another place to try would be a transvestite organisation such as the Seahorse Society.
Panther - Tue Jul 21 20:09:25 1998

So now i am 20 i have finally totally accepted the fact that i'm gay. I have fallen completely in love with one of my best friends, this has been so for 6 months, but i can't bring myself to tell him. I can't bring myself to tell anyone. He has kissed me at my b'day party once before, he has even fallen asleep next to me and then cuddled up to me whilst sleeping twice before. I think these are just freak events that tease my soul. My parents know nothing of my sexuality, a few different friends have asked me before based soley on the observation that i don't have much of an interest in the opposite sex. I think if anyone asks me again i will probably tell them depending on the weather. I just don't think i realise the consequences, be they good or bad. Is there anyone reading this who has come out at this age in a similar situation? If so please email me and give me some advice or at least your experiences. cambeck@hotmail.com
Cam - Tue Jul 21 23:58:37 1998

I am 25 yrs old married woman. I 've been married for 3 yrs. I am a migrant in Aus. I've been in Sydney from six mounths. In my country it is very difficult to find someone to talk about your gay attittude. Here I don't have almost any friends. My only friend is my husband. I love him and I don't want to hurt him. However, I find that I think about having sex with women. I just don't know what i have to do. Am I bisexual or a lesbian?... I need to talk about this problem. In the same time I am affraid that my husband will find my doubts. Please, answer me on the pink board. I can not leave my e-mail because of my husband.
Apple, 22 July - Wed Jul 22 13:34:50 1998

Why does this all have to be so hard? Just when i think i have got things together, i feel like i have lost everything again. I have come out to my friends, and through this lost and gained some friends, but i still feel alone. A lot of my friends are gay, lesbian, bi, or at least accepting of this but i still feel like no one knows where i am coming from. I always thought that when i gained the courage to come out people would support and understand me but this isn't the truth. I guess my advice to people considering coming out is that if people didn't understand you then they still won't after you've come out. Don't expect miracles from people who are set in their ways,and don't expect that just because you are gay you will receive extra help from those who are also GLBT. I expected too much from people, and believed that people would want to help me, and then realised just how alone i am. If you come out do it for yourself, and honesty, and ( without commercial connotation) *pride*. Expectation only lets you down.
Jazz - Wed Jul 22 16:43:06 1998

I'm a 33 year-old bisexual guy. It's been been the case for a few years now, but I'm not out. I don't feel that I have to be bound to be "Gay" or "Straight". I'm Bi and know that this is a part of me......but the trouble is that I can't seem to reconcile it with myself or go with it or something..........I really feel lost with it. Any ideas what's wrong?
Libra - Wed Jul 22 23:00:07 1998

I don't think there is anything wrong. We all feel lost sometimes whatever our situation. Even when things are going well for me, i sometimes get this overwhelming feeling that something is wrong, and that perhaps i am not who i think i am. Whilst i hate feeling like this, perhaps it does serve a purpose in making me reavaluate how i feel about things. I have found that is sometimes easier not to even classify my sexuality. Just go with what you feel like at the time and don't think about what that means. Over analysis only makes me feel bad, and what can you gain from self judgment? I find that i am so full of contradiction that i can't reach any firm conclusions about me, but i realise now that perhaps that isn't that important.
Fri Jul 24 14:05:40 1998

This is a good siite for project. thank you for your help!!
S.A.king - Fri Jul 24 20:42:21 1998

When i found out it was hard then i found this
Fri Jul 24 20:47:36 1998

I'm 40, married with child, was satisfied with circumstances. Love my wife but I never really cared for sex- just did it. A year ago I got connected to internet. Discovered gay internet. Read and read for 6-8 months and realised my feelings/opinions I have ignored or dismissed as weird/perverted for all my life are shared by other normal people. I was/am so stunned and excited. I knew no gays. What are they like in person? I contacted a guy via personals after thinking over it for weeks. We met. I am so straight and "ungay" I realised/was told. Over next few months we met and talked. I like the guy a lot. A real lot. I could not keep this from my wife any longer and tried to tell her about my sexuality (only). Couldn't. Got a little drunk next night and told her. I have never cried openly to anyone before. That night first time. I feel so relieved. Never felt so good yet sad like this in all my life. Such overwhelming emotions. Really undescribable. Next 2-3 months we fight and we hate each other so much. "I should see a doctor to get treatment". Separate rooms now. That I really like. I feel I am getting out of this mess. Without mentioning the "guy" she second guesses that there is a guy. I am planning to leave home, though financially it will screw up both our lives at this stage. A few weeks ago guy tells me I'm not his type. "bye". I am shattered. I want to end everything. But I still love my child. I ring up gay councillor from internet phone number and do not know what to say. He "charms" some of this out of me. What a great guy/service. He reassures me all will be ok, suggests activities for me that are gay orientated. Reminds me that I am normal, and will have an interesting future coming up. And remember I have started on road to being out. I am now gay friendless, and partially out. How stuffed up. I tell my wife about desperate situation. For some reason we just "click" and now talk and are actively supporting each other to move on with separate lives. She looking for new guy, and me same. We go away on holidays soon -together. But we both know and understand what we are each looking for (happines&future). I've joined a local gay community club and have met some really nice people. I have not felt so happy for about a year. It is great meeting other gays (old and young). They have experienced so many things between them that my problems seems so ordinary. I want to be comfortable being gay wherever I go, whether others know or not. I now feel that I am one of "them", but I'm not sure how to be one of "them". (Maybe when I don't write it like that). My life till now has been opposite. My next plan is all the family interstate. Mother visits in two months. My straight friends are my worry. I really, really like them but have not contacted / answered their phone calls for past three months. I don't want to be a bent straight any more. This wall is so, so good. Thanks.
free1free@yahoo.com - Fri Jul 24 21:44:54 1998

Libra: One of my pet theories may help answer your question. Be warned that this is a generalisation. In our teens we are trying to define who we are and do this by taking on labels, and trying them out to see if they fit. We try on sexualities, interests, ideologies, etc and the labels that come with them. In our 20s we start to become the labels that seem to fit. Then in our late 20s or 30s we discover that the labels don't quite fit, so we start discarding the labels and identifying more as an individual. We come to know and understand ourselves and where we fit. We can pick and choose the good bits of the labels and discard the bad bits.
Panther - Sat Jul 25 10:32:57 1998

Feel1free: Thanks for your story. I'm glad things are working out for you. I'm feeling a a bit pilosophic this morning so I'll share another theory with you. Again this is a generalisation: I do not think that there is a perfect partner for life. Our lives are a series of stages. For instance, many people get married and raise a family, then as the involvement in the family fades (children grow up and move away) they realise that they have exhausted their relationship with their spouse. This is a great time to explore new interests, either together or separately. If you are lucky your spouse can become a really great friend and support. The other side of this is that there should be no regrets. We can't change the past, so look back on it and strive for the best future you can make.
Panther - Sat Jul 25 10:45:54 1998

Tue Jul 28 17:19:35 1998

Congrats on a great wall Panther! I've been out of Australia for sometime now but reading this today brought back so many memories, both happy and sad. My story is a little different and perhaps some people might appreciate it. In 1979, after years of denial, I finally got so worked up about my sexuality I had something of a nervous breakdown and ended up in hospital for a week. At the time I didn't know or understand what was happening...anyway, sitting in the casuality ward feeling sorry for myself was perhaps the best thing that happened. That night, a young guy was brought in from a motor cycle accident, pretty badly cut up. Another guy was comforting him, both looked like bikie-gang types, leather jackets, the whole works. Imagine my surprise when after the nurses left, these two began to cuddle and kiss, completely oblivious to my presence. It suddenly became clear to me: it is what you are inside that's really important, not what society or religion or even your parents think. We get so hung up on this gay-straight issue - its a falsehood. You are what you are, for richer or poorer, better or worse. Life is too short so live it to your fullest, remembering to respect others with the same respect you give yourself. Leaving Australia to work overseas has opened my eyes in ways I never thought possible, taught me things no university or college could ever do. 'Seize the moment', as the quote goes from Dead Poets Society (I noticed one of your contributors mentioned this in their story) is more or less my motto in life. To all of you worried about coming out, don't be: you have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Captain Sniffey - Sat Aug 1 10:48:16 1998

The first person I came out to was my house mate a girl I had been sharing a house with for about 3 months. One day I told her I had something important to tell her and sat her down in the lounger-room. I said "I'm gay!" and her reaction was "That's a relief. I thought you were going to tell me you liked me." We have been really close ever since.
Gaston - Sat Aug 1 16:04:53 1998

Hi guyz, Well like a number of others I keep coming back to these boards. I thought I would place an update here for interest, as I only came out last year, at xmas to my family, and a little earlier to my friends. I came out when I was 30, and did it for my first real boyfriend, although when I say that I actually did it for myself (that's the key) and he was the trigger. I had heaps of advice from this board, and people I met through pinkboard, all good, all the same, and that was to take it at my own pace. Well, for those of you who are thinking of coming out, particularly at an older age, where you have heaps to lose and have built a facade of str8ness around you, it can work. I am a professional in a conservative multinational, have a wide circle of friends who had no idea and a slightly dippy family (grin). Well months later it has all been worth it. My boyf and I are living together, he and I stay with family and friends when we visit. Key friends a work know, and like str8 people, my sexuality is my business at work. Once I made my mind up, I simply told people one at a time, and relied on great friends to tell others (as they do). I guess the important factor to me was being honest to myself and being proud of myself as a gay man. I refuse to be marginalised by sitting in a closet of fear, and also to miss out on being out, and gay, by living in fear. I know I wasn't married etc, but I had a lot to lose (so I thought). I am still the person I was, and only one friends has moved out of my circle, and that was because I told him to piss off. There is no place for anyone in my life who can't respect my choice, if not accept it. I guess it is about taking charge of my life and being in control, rather than living in a fake zone, of clandestine meetings, and semi fulfilment as I keep people at a distance, separate friends and deny my partner open status as the most important thing in my life. I never believed it could happen, for years I trembled, but I have really found it liberating and have taken back control. As you might guess I am lucky in that I am not short of confidence or a good sense of identity, but my story isn't unusual, and it was all about timing and support. SO guys and gals, I guess I was really lucky to meet a lot of people who all told me the same things- it would be great to be out, have gay fiends, and to take it slowly and be careful of doing it so fast that it forced people to react rather than accept what I was doing. anyhow, enough of my crap,
blake gay.chat - Sun Aug 2 9:42:21 1998

Very interesting story, Blake. I am a 29 year old guy who has been building the 'facade of straightness' around him for years, making any thought of coming out almost beyond comprehension, that is, unless I want to lose all those great friends who I have been lucky enough to meet over the years. I would probably also lose (or be driven out of) my job that I love so much if my sexuality was out in the open. So, I obviously have weigh up the pros and cons of coming out........will it be worth it to me? I've never had gay sex before but have always longed to. What I do know, though, is that at my age I should be making a decision in the very near future or continue to lead a life of (veiled) misery. Sorry if I sound confused, but I am..........and any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks for listening. Oh...by the way, is it wrong to wish that you were 'straight'....because I do it all the time.
Scott - Sun Aug 2 15:50:16 1998

Scott, I'm 27 y.o and am in, pretty much, the same situation. I'd greatly appreciate emailing/chatting with you. My email address is temboy@hotmail.com
Steve - Sun Aug 2 21:22:37 1998

Scott, I'm 27 y.o and am in, pretty much, the same situation. I'd greatly appreciate emailing/chatting with you. My email address is temboy@hotmail.com
Steve - Sun Aug 2 21:22:46 1998

Hi there scott, I think that there is no-one I know who would disagree with the ease of being str8. Now this has nothing to do with being unhappy being gay, but let's face it, life is easier: society accepts and welcomes you, sexuality is not an issue, couples events at work are easy, dinners/parties/blah blah blah. But lets face it, being gay, the choice is not there without the need to live a lie in some form or other. That's not something that is easy to do from a personal cost nor it it likely to be succesful in the long term either. I think it is possible to have work and social lives divorced have a gay circle of friends and work need not know, after all I don;t believe a person;s sexuality is relevant at work. I wouldn't be rushing around announcing my st8ness, so why would I make an issue about being gay? I guess I had a lot to loose, but have gained a lot more than I thought I would. I did weigh the choices very carefully though. I think that the one mistake is too rush the decision, take your time. I think if you have a wife or family that is obviously a bigger decision. I actually met about 10-20 people and chatted to 30-50 over the net, through pinkboard, and had sex with guys, and found a boyf before I realised I was totally gay, not as I had been trying to hope "along that spectrum of gay to str8". Having had that experience, well I had no choice but to be personally happy. What else can I say? I am happy. So if you want more...feel free to contact me: single_malt@hotmail.com
blake - Sun Aug 2 22:50:38 1998

I'm 23, and came out when I was 19. Never lookied back. Granted my mates were pretty cool, I estranged from some and grew closer to others, but I think that;s just natural and would have happened anyway. My parents weren't as easy, but when are they? They were pretty cool too. My mum bawled, but after some reflection inevitably told me she had suspected I was gay. I told dad (I'm sure I did) but I think he's repressed the memory and acts as though I hadn't. They all know my boyfriend (who's young 'n stunning 'course), and are glad I'm not as camp as him. I like him just the way he is. We have an open relationship and don't feel restricted by traditions exclusive to hetero relationships. Lif's good and out and honest, it's brilliant.
Luke - Wed Aug 5 2:41:21 1998

Hi Dugite, read your out experience and just had to answer. your story pretty much parallels mine but my closet is shut tight. I cannot bring myself to cause such pain (shame?) to my wife and kids - though I'm sure they suspect. Friends? I have very few and it's mainly because of the mixed messages I sent with my body language. I know the messages get through because of people distancing themselves or just the opposite. This leads me to realise that a huge amount of pain will be caused to all including me. I don't know if I want that pain or cause it to others that I love so much. It's a hell of a thing to live in a closet, it's living a lie and its been like that for 40 years and it will probably always be like that. I often wonder how many people spend their lives in a closet and think it may be a great many. Maybe, one day........ but I'm happy for those who have come to terms with themselves. Just maybe one day.....too late!
Chuckles - Thu Aug 6 2:30:37 1998

Chuckles: Are you already causing pain to your wife and kids by being mixed up? Get yourself a therapist who you can confide in. Even if you never come out to anyone else, the therapist might be able to give you an outlet for your feelings so that the rest of your life is better.
Panther - Thu Aug 6 8:59:28 1998

I have been reading through all these other statements thinking "hey, maybe I (a 17 year old male just bearly coming to grips with his sexuality) should write some of my experiences down for some of these people..." And suddenly I come across Phraser. She seems really troubled and I fear that there is absolutely nothing that I can say to help. I have been where she seems to be when she was writing this and I know that well-meaning friends and family generally make the problem worse. I do, however, wish her all the best in the years to come, and have one simple piece of advice for her. Give in. Give in to every feeling that you have every day and except that these feelings will be there whether you want them there or not. Eventually you will be able to begin to rebuild your life, gradually letting people know the truth and helping them to accept it, too. It won't always be a pleasent experience, but believe me, in the end it's worth it. If you're reading this Phraser, good luck (email me).
ascani@goplay.com - Fri Aug 7 10:07:23 1998

Why is it that when you're 18, if you do anything which isn't acceptable, you are just going thru a stage? i have been with my girlf for over 2 months. best relationship ever. have had exclusively gay feelings for 2 years now. came out to my parents this week, they didn't take it well. are they right, is this all just a stage. would love to hear from anyone. my email is: gileadite@hotmail.com
Gileadite - Sun Aug 9 14:55:43 1998

Wed Aug 12 11:30:57 1998

Wed Aug 12 11:33:28 1998

Hello, is anyone there ?
Amaeus - Thu Aug 13 1:00:21 1998

f** all yours faggots
demoniser - Sat Aug 15 13:49:28 1998

can anyone enlighten me as to what "LOL" means?
curious - Sat Aug 15 14:03:12 1998

I have been reading these messages with great interst. I am grateful that such such a means of communication exists. I am not too sure if I will be able to connect with anyone who will understand my situation. I will simply say "ego sacerdos sum". Would anyone like to reply ? I wish you all well.
Amadeus - Sun Aug 16 2:23:05 1998

Hi everyone, I'm a 25 year female on the verge. Life has been so confusing: after numerous straight relationships, two lesbian experiences and falling madly in love with most of my female friends I've just about had enough of denying my sexuality. I just don't know how to start accepting it. I don't know any lesbians in the town I live in (Newcastle, I moved here 5 months ago) and I'm too unsure of myself to venture out into the gay pub life by myself. How do you start from scratch ?
Confused but Eager - Sun Aug 16 18:01:35 1998

Firstly Panther, I think you've done a wonderful job with this site. Secondly I'd just like to say a blurb about me. I am a mid 20's gal who comes from a pretty "vanilla/northsore" kinda background. I have always secretly liked women as well as men. It's only now with a hugely supportive partner (male - who btw doesn't want to get involved, only to support me) that I am able and trying to explore this side of my sexuality. I'd really like to totally "come out" in order to be totally comfortable with who I am. My friends/family would be totally horrified and probably unsupportive. I'd really like any comments from you kind folk, or would also like to correspond with any girls in a similar situation. It's sydbigirl@hotmail.com
Tracey - Mon Aug 17 21:20:31 1998

Gileadite: Parents often need time to completely accept their children as lesbian/gay. This could be a stage for them in their acceptance of you. Be patient with them and show them the positive side.
Panther - Tue Aug 18 9:21:44 1998

Curious: LOL usually means lots of laughs, but it can also mean lots of love.
Panther - Tue Aug 18 9:22:23 1998

Wow - as a nearly 30 year old man I have been reading through the pages and a world of memories flowed back. I'm out with all the people who matter to me (friends, family etc) and have a very active involvement in Sydney's gay life. At work, I am not out. I don't really regard my work colleagues as close friends and therefore do not feel I have to tell them some of the most intimate parts of my life. I do however, talk openly about my partner and they know we have been together for a long time. There have been occasions where it has been assumed that I was gay and comments were made and I didn't flinch, and just continued the conversation as if we were talking about the weather - I think they know. To all the young people coming out - it is hard, I grew up in country NSW - I should know. If youy are comfortable with yourself then that's the angle you work from. If you are having trouble with dealing with this, keep talking to people, someday someone will say something to you that clicks. Don't try to please others - they can do that for themselves, think about your own hapiness, your own future and your own life. Hold your head high. It can be difficult at first but I don't think you will ever look back.
Jay - Tue Aug 18 19:23:28 1998

Lesbians Are Gay
Thu Aug 20 6:25:58 1998

This is a great page - thanks panther. I live in rural Qld and am married with teenage kids. My profession would not allow me to be out in a towm like the one I live in, and my homosexuality, if public knowledge, would do horrendous damage to my family. My wife and I discussed my bisexuality before we got married. I'm no longer convinced about bisexuality - after my first intimate experience with a guy a few years ago, I realised that my preference was gay. I have a few gay friends I socialise with and with my wife's blessing, although sex is not part of the deal. She is my best friend and support. She knows a couple of my gay mates and trusts me to be honest with her. This is not an ideal way for a gay man to live, but it beats being old and lonely, I guess. I admit I desperately long for a loving relationship with a nice guy, and who knows what the future holds. I've also met a few guys through panthers classifieds and we're emailing our stories. Feeling alone is the worst, and it is important to have firends to share experiences with. Thanks for the chance to chat panther.
B - Sat Aug 22 10:01:34 1998

i am a thirty year old woman, i have not come out to anybody and don't intend to. as i know my family would never accept it. i do live with another female and we have a wonderful relationship but it is sometimes frustrating for us as we don;t have any friends who are gay or lesbien and as we are not prepared to take the risk of telling people i guess that leaves us in a tight spot. we have tried to access some of the chat lines available on the internet but have been unsuccessful. can you tell me if i ned special programs to access these chats.
frustrated - Sun Aug 23 21:04:32 1998

I know that I am a lesbian, but I have never been romantically involved with anyone. I just don't know where to start...you know...how do you meet women and all that. I live in Brisbane.
renee - Mon Aug 24 13:56:48 1998

Frustrated: You may need the latest version of your browser to use Java chats. Others may need special programs to be downloaded. The information is usually on the site. Also try community groups as a place to meet others. It really does help to have others to talk things over with.

Renee: You have to put in some work if you want to meet people. Try Pinkboard Personals, Community Groups or the Venues.
Panther - Mon Aug 24 20:29:42 1998

Guys & Gals , I would seriously recommend getting involved in some volunteer work within gay & lesbian organisations, if in Syd try Mardi Gras. It is a great way to meet people and the friendships tend to be more lasting than those made in clubs.
Wed Sep 2 10:43:34 1998

My 18 year old partner was outed at her church. she is now refused communion...not even a scant of a yellow sash involved.
xyz - Fri Sep 4 1:14:30 1998

My 18 year old partner was outed at her church. she is now refused communion...not even a scant of a colored sash involved.
xyz - Fri Sep 4 1:14:58 1998

why is it that the more i come out, the more insecure i become about the whole thing?
Fri Sep 4 1:19:01 1998

I have an interesting story about coming out. I found that coming out to friends was *usually* fairly easy. But I could not work out how to tell my family. The way I got around this (without knowing it) was to collect lots of gay pamphlets, newspapers etc. Eventually, my parents decided to go through my room (dunno why) and they found it. Depending on what your family is like (whether they have the habit of being a bit picky about these things), it may or may not work. I would not recommend it to anyone with a violent family!
dogboy - Sat Sep 5 11:39:10 1998

More insecure: Maybe you aren't ready to come out completely yet. You only have to come as much as you feel comfortable, and that will change over time. Phone up your local gay and lesbian counselling service and have a talk to them.
Panther - Sat Sep 5 12:02:50 1998

I came out to my parents about 2 weeks ago and they so far have not really referred to that event. Like in some other stories here, Mum thought it might be a phase and Dad seems to have blocked out the memory of that conversation. I wanted for a long time to be somewhere closer to straight, to make life easier for myself, but after getting to know other gay people I realise I enjoy being gay. The final push for coming out was that I couldn't expect an out male to consider me for a relationship if we weren't equal in that respect. However, I understand so many guys older and younger than myself (20 yrs) need to take their time as well. Good luck to all.
Drew - Sat Sep 5 13:42:19 1998

Hi, Im 17 (male) and I never thought I'de be the person who would write here on this sort of wall. I am just so confused. Like, I know what I am and who I am but its hard to accept it and get others to accept it.. and after reading this wall.. am inspired to write about me here. I have about 5 people who know I am gay, all girls, close friends. Even though they know, I dont think they fully understand. Like.. They will say "hmm - hes cute" to each other and i will agree.. and they think its gross. God.. its just so hard. That kinda hurts a bit. No matter how hard you try and wherever you look, its soo hard to find gay friends. I mean, there is plenty of facilities for gay males over 18 to go meet others... but nothing for anyone younger. I dont know what to do. On the outside.. Im such a head strong, vibrant, happy person. I am very forward with my thoughts and opinions and people always just assume my happieness exists. THe truth? On the inside.. im just a mess. Living in NEwcastle makes it hard too.. a homophobic city, full of derranged youth and surfers. What to do? who knows?
cedila - Sun Sep 6 17:49:43 1998

cedila - hang in there mate. I know it can be really tough, and very lonely at times, but believe me there are better times to come. If you feel you need people to talk to, and there's no-one around you can approach, how about some of the chat groups on the 'net? At least you'll be able to communicate with other guys who understand exactly what you're going through. Who knows, you might even meet others from Newcastle. Hey, you've shown you're strong by being able to express your thoughts here - just keep your outlook positive (and yeah, I know that's a lot easier said than done). We're all with ya mate. It may seem like hell now, but there's a long and happy road ahead - don't ever forget that you deserve respect and happiness. Hope you find it soon.
ntd - Sun Sep 6 23:12:40 1998

Cedila: I think there are a couple of Newcastle social groups (see Pinkboard's Community Noticeboard) that may start you off meeting others. Also Unis usually have a gay & lesbian contact who organises social activities, etc. Newcastle also has a g&l information phone line who will know what is happening. Also the NSW Gay & Lesbian Counselling Service has a large list of referrals for the whole state. Try a few of these.
Panther - Mon Sep 7 8:42:35 1998

Guys, Thanks for your responses!! I thought posting here may help me too! I think I may have been wrong! I chat on IRC a bit and just after I posted here, I had another person online (a supposed friend) Laughing at me and making fun of me. I find IRC really hard to make friends on, it seems to be a click for an elite few. Next year I have decided to move to Sydney, so hopefully that will bring better times! I dont really know anyone down there.. and well.. once uni offers come out.. I will be hunting for somewhere to live too!! its a bit scarey - but im sure ill make heaps of friends and have a great life! Email me if you want: cedila@hotmail.com
cedila - Mon Sep 7 22:29:42 1998

Cedila - Moving to Sydney it probably the best way to meet lots of people from Newcastle. :-) If you can get to Sydney for a Sunday afternoon you might like to go to the Coming Out Group run by the Counselling Service. It is a great way to help you gain confidence in yourself. I have never had any great conversations on IRC or chat programs. If you can get into a private chat with someone interesting, though, you can get some good conversation.
Panther - Tue Sep 8 8:54:27 1998

Panther...its funny in that I have had the fortune of having many interesting and helpful conversations with people over chat lines. I have helped many people by offering them a listening ear during their trials and tribulations and they have helped me in much the same way. I also feel that many possible suicides may be prevented through this avenue of "anonymous" communication. Just to have that shoulder to cry on and some good advise anda support. I have also met many people in person who I talked to in chat programs which has helped extend my social network and support group. Basically, I don't think the value and integral role of IRC/chat conversations should be underestimated.
Satisfied Chatter - Tue Sep 8 18:01:10 1998

This is the first time I have read this "wall" and have found some intreresting insights to not being alone in the way I feel...I am some what in a more difficult situation than the avreage guy...I am 28 and have lived all my life as str8, tried so hard to be str8, wished it to be but more recently I have come to accept who I am and still yet to 'come out'...I am ready to do it but have decided I will wait until I have someone in my life to need to do it. For the past 2 years I have been fighting discrimination for being treated differently because I was a 'young single male'. In particular I have looked after a boy for 4 years, who is now 16, in the capacity of a foster carer...The Government decided that because I was a sinlge male it was not appropriate...so I have been in Court for the past 2 years fighting(successfully)...I have already been paid significant amounts of money and there are still legal proceedings pending...I have denied to myself who I am over this time and have hidden it from everyone including my live in friend...I am not concerned about what my live in friend will think...we are great mates and he has a great outlook on life(excellent considering his background)...I feel ashamed that I have decieved many people and have lived a lie for so long...I am not worried about the Government...it's too late for them to do anything because my friend is 16 and can legally live anywhere he chooses...I know some gay people want to have children, it's not what I want and infact I did not want to look after this friend at all but I was asked several times and was told there was no other person available...it was also meant to be short term(now more than 4 years)...It is reward in its self to provide a safe and happy home to the homeless but the Government even today is discriminatory...I have had to fight *all* but one of my legal cases in Court...and have won every single one so far...it has made legal history as for precendence, however, there are confidentiality orders protecting my identity and the child's for obvious reasons...so in effect no one will ever know...in some respects I hope my cases will pave the way for other gay people, when I come out that is...proof in the pudding...gay people can raise children...I would like to know if anyone else has had similar problems or issues...I still face the largest discrimination case ahead of me, on my own...
hope... - Tue Sep 8 18:39:24 1998

I told all my family and friends staight out and now my life is shit because nobody talks to me, i'ts like i'm not a person anymore. I moving away Queensland in 1 month (i live in N.S.W.) and I hope to start out there and find a nice guy.
Tue Sep 8 19:30:48 1998

Satisfied: I shouldn't have put chat down. I have in the past, particularly when Pinkboard was a BBS, had some very good one on one chats and occasionally with three or four. Lots of people do enjoy IRC, etc.
Panther - Tue Sep 8 21:57:53 1998

Hope: Thankyou for your caring and fighting.
Panther - Tue Sep 8 21:59:20 1998

heya, i'm 27, I'm out and comfortable being a dyke, but recently have been starting to identify with transgenderism. It's kinda weird, it's not that i want to be a guy, at least not totally, but i don't feel like a woman either. I feel like something else, something with a foot in both worlds. I know that people will kinda go.... "Oh yeah, thats all about social conditioning and expectations etc", but it doesn't feel that simple. Theres something big and wild and fully perverse (in a good way...i think) inside of me, gets me into no end of trouble... for eg.I've been cruising the gay personals for ages now, thinking that i'll finally get up the courage to reply to one, but it would be pointless, cause they would take one look at me and freak, or laugh, or whatever. I guess i want to be part of the powerful sexual enegy that i can sense there... as an equal, a queer discovery. I don't get that with chicks, even tho i dig them. Straight guys don't turn me on at all, which is weird. I guess i don't like the idea that they think that they are f..king a woman. But then sleeping with women who think of me like that is ok.....?? Hmmm. Vaugely confusing. Am i the only person who feels like this? When storepeople cal me sir by mistake, i feel like they've got it right! (or more right)
Cordy - Tue Sep 8 22:58:36 1998

Hi! I do check this web page once in a while. I am sure that I am interested in men. I knew this because I have feeling about them ( I suppose ). Do you ever feel the feeling of " melted heart" when you see some of them? ( that is what I am saying ). Anyway, I have been trying hard to be normal as I have trouble to accept myself to like men. I tend not to look at people eyes esp. the guys coz I am afraid that I would fall in love with them. Silly but I did and still is. Due to this, I think, I have missed a lot of opportunities to meet people who might interested in knowing me more than a friend. I become defensive against my friends, I mean I tend not to be too close to them after a certain stage. ( In another word, I close my heart before I develop some feelings towards my friends ). Yet, I still remain friends to them though. There are times that I think some of these people that I happen to meet ( in the public )know that I might be gay. I have no problem with that as long as they do not bother me or pestering me. The only problem is that since since that I have never really declare it ( since I believe that it is still not appropriate for me to do it now), there is no way that I would meet any of them. I think there were so many occasions where I experience people try to do some thing in front of me and things like that( I mean the body language,opps! not some other things that you might think of,:) . Yet, I do not know what are the signs really? Due to this uncertainty, I never do anything about it. Gee! What a waste, right? In fact the last time it happen to me was yesterday. Anyway, I think it was a sign but what do you think? I was sitting behind this fellow. (I like him too). During the class, he raised his left leg and rest it to the seat next to him.Then he started to rub his leg ( was wearing long pant ) as if it was itchy ( probably it was? ) for quite some time. Some time, he touched his hair rubbing it ( use left hand, anyway is there any other meaning for that? ). It went on for about few minutes and again later At least 3 times at almost regular interval. I knew he was looking behind sometime. spoted him doing that once.Gosh! I wish he could just said straight to me that he would like to be friend with me. Anyway, it might be just me who overreact to certain thing. Please tell me!! I will see him in class again next week. So, what are the body language that I should be aware of and what do they mean ? p.s. : He rest( I mean rest it there, that is it ) his left hand "there" too once. I never see any of my friend act like that at all. I tried to concentrate in class but it bother me seeing it. I mean it caught my attention. :) What should I do? **************************************************************** Too naive about thing.......sign off...The_Innocent_One
The_Innocent_One - Thu Sep 10 18:34:23 1998

Cordy: Try a strap on or with a gay guy. There are ads in Pinkboard Personals for both of these. We are told that sexuality is something that is constant and very simple. But sexuality is really very fluid and changes throughout our lives.
Panther - Thu Sep 10 20:27:55 1998

The_Innocent_One: You have admitted that you are gay to yourself. That is the first step in coming out. And now you have told us. How does that make you feel? As to this guy, if he does it again how about suggesting you get together for a coffee and take it from there. You may make a friend, or who knows what. Try to make sure that whatever happens you can say NO if things get too uncomfortable.
Panther - Thu Sep 10 20:36:52 1998

"Coming Out to Our Kids" If you are a lesbian/gay parent or co-parent and would like to share your personal story of coming out to your child(ren), I am currently seeking submissions for a book. For more info, send a self addressed stamped envelope to: The Editor PO Box 8068, Perth Business Centre Stirling Street, Perth WA 6849 or email me, bohdana@wantree.com.au
Kelly - Fri Sep 11 23:46:43 1998

Noit atraight? Not gay or lesbian? Melbourne Bisexual Youth might be an option. We meet fortnightly on Saturdays to chat, discuss and talk about bi stuff and also hold regular social events. Get involved in your community!
catherinel@union.unimelb.edu.au - Sat Sep 12 19:01:19 1998

Well taking the first step in coming out is'nt always that bad! I finally (after 6 months of planning)told a friend over the phone. This was very uncomfortable and took 2 hrs, it was definately the strangest phonecall i have ever made. After a couple of days of initial shock wearing off for my friend and I, we had a long inebriated discussion. It is so reassuring to finally talk to someone face to face about the lie you've been living you're whole life. For me, this situation has definately made good friends closer. I guess i'm lucky to have understanding friends. One down - lots to go, but things are looking positive.
Steve - Sun Sep 13 21:54:43 1998

I don't know where I fit. Reading these pages didn't give me any clues. I am 54 and have been married twice, first time for 22 years, and I am still happy in the second marriage. I cannot ever recall finding myself attracted to a man in an emotional sense yet since my early twenties, I have wanted to try sex with a man. It is interesting to me that in all my fantasies, my partners are faceless. In 1992, whilst single, I tried a male prostitute. Although I left there still a virgin I left feeling convinced that I was not gay or bi because I neither liked or hated the experience. Recently I have started to re-experience those urges and tried a Sydney steam house, however, due to my total lack of experience, each time I left without being able to make contact with anyone other than a quick grope in the steam room which I enjoyed but it was very frustrating to remain a virgin after building up the courage to go there. I am also unsure if any potential partner is looking for an emotional response that i don't think I can give. I don't know where I fit in to the scheme of things or whether I should continue to persue my fantasies. Is there anyone out there that has had similar experiences that would be willing to share some advice.
confused - Sun Sep 20 15:54:41 1998

Panther, thankyou for your suggestions, however i have looked through the pink board lists of community organisations but could find nothing for lesbians in our area, only gay males. I find reading your board very interesting, and i would like to congratulate you on doing such a great job, as this gives people like me some less scarey contact with the gay world. Thankyou and congratulations.
Frustrated - Tue Sep 22 13:37:43 1998

Hello!!! How are you? My name is Iris. I am bisexual too. Mmmm, if you want to see me - go to http://www.intermodel-agency.com/cgi-bin/model/voice.p?IsEnglish=1 and my number on vote page - 24,my name is Iris. If you like me - vote for me and tell you friends!!! :-) If you do vote for me - You can to vote only once from 1 your mashine!!! If you want to contact with me - reply to this e-mail: fairy_12s@yahoo.com :-) Thank you in advance! Good day & night... Iris
Sat Sep 26 0:39:59 1998

the first time that i knew i did not know what to do. first i went to the phone book and looked up some for some info. i found a number to ring.so i phond it up and it was very helpful. they helped me a lot
shane - Sat Sep 26 13:20:56 1998

Howdy all, I dont know about other people but I had a really hard time coming to terms with my sexuality. I come from a footballs,meatpies,kangaroos and holden cars family so when I realised that I felt attraction for other men I was quite horrified. I wasted a lot of time lying to myself and my family about who I was. The moral to this long winded torch song is, dont waste your life and youth lying yourself about who and what you are, you only get one ride on this paticular merry-go-round and you should make it count.
Glenn - Sun Sep 27 14:59:49 1998

Hi, I just wanted to leave a message of hope for everyone who is still struggling with the coming out process. I have for the last year and a bit struggled first with myself and then with the rest of the world over my sexuality. The struggle (or should i say this struggle) ended on the weekend when i came out ot my parents. Yes, it was a hard thing to do, probably the hardest thing i have ever done in my life, but worth it. I won't pretend that they coped wonderfully with the news, but the bottom line is they still love me. Often before coming out i didn't think of that and just thought about the issues they would have with the way i live, but ultimately your parents love you even if they don't agree with you.
Jazz - Tue Sep 29 17:42:41 1998

I'm 23 and only came out to my friends about a month ago. It went down well and I must admit I am happier for it. My family on the other hand is a different issue however I will tell them when I think the time is right. About the only difficult thing is finding friends who are like you. I guess this will happen with time but I really yearn for people I can talk to about myself and what I want out of my life now that I have come to terms with it.
Mark - Wed Sep 30 23:45:57 1998

Mark: Try community groups or use Internet chat or personals. You don't have to use these for meeting people for sex.
Panther - Thu Oct 1 10:22:45 1998

In hindsight I had thought I was gay. I'm 27, and the last 9 months have been somewhat of a personal discovery process for me. I had moved to sydney for work, and had been here for a couple of years when I had someone move in and share the place with me. We got on well. I guess both thought each other were straight. But then one drunken night, we found ourselves wrestling, and then kissing - and we didn't stop. I was 26, he was 23. It was both our first direct gay experience. For me it finally confirmed to myself what I had been scared to admit to myself - it had been bothering me on and off for years. For him it was more of a shock. We are really good friends now. I want to come out to my parents next. I really don't know when I will do this. The silly thing is that I know that my mum will have absolutely no problem with this. Dad will I think be slightly more taken aback, but he will be fine too. Thinking about it, I really dont know what I have to worry about - but it is not exactly a small deal. And I only get to see Mum once every few months - she lives in a different city. One thing though that I do know is that the last year has been a real awakening, and I only wish I had worked it out earlier. Cheers, Sean.
Thu Oct 1 22:42:27 1998

As their are alot of young guys and girls who are out their that are gay, does anyone know where i as a 16 year old male can hook up with other guys my age and explore gay lifestyle and or eachother. I would be interested if anyone else out their is in the same boat as maybe we can hook up and see what goes from their. Interested?
joel_blacker@hotmail.com - Sun Oct 4 14:01:43 1998

reading through all these comments just makes you realise that despite the fighting for equality, acceptance etc that we have undergone in the last 20 years - there is still no easily defined solution for people coming out. I'm pleased its over for me and will not have to go through thid again....but...I've never looked back. Times can be tough..but..there is always hope. In the words of the song from the musical 'Finians Rainbow'...... "Look, look, look to the rainbow". My thoughts are with all of you as you deal with this. I know how you feel I'm 29 and have been out since I was 15. I live in Sydney now but used to live in the country...in a very homophobic place!! I can still remember the heartache many of you are going through. My love to you all - remember you are people - the gay/lesbian/trannie/queer tags happen after you are comfortable with yourself as a person. Cheers dears!!
I understand - Wed Oct 7 11:21:03 1998

Dear confused, I can't offer any advice (except two "thoughts") only the solace that you are not alone. My experience at a gay bath house were similar to yours. Also your description of fantasies and emotional relations with men are similar to mine. Like you I am married and middle aged. Like you I have thought about where I fit into "the scheme of things". I offer two thoughts( I would not dignify them with the epithet "advice"). The first came from a counsellor I saw about 6 months ago. When I asked her about the contradiction between my sexual feelings for men,my marraige and my lack of emotional attraction to men she suggested that I might have married because I was looking for emotional comfort that I could not find in relations with men. Its an interesting thought. The second is: go to see the movie "Head On" (its playing now at Sydney cinemas) by yourself. Since your experiences seem similar to mine I'd like to read about your reaction to the film here at the graffitti wallIV. I don't want to affect your reaction to the film so I won't tell you about my reaction before you've seen the film. I promise to tell you my reaction once you've seen the film if you promise to tell me your reaction once you've seen the film. Is it a deal ?
scared - Fri Oct 9 10:38:50 1998

Hi!!!!!!! I'm a 17 year old who is totally comfortable about being gay. But as a result of being gay i am now bulimic and a heavy drinker. No one in the world knows I'm gay and I'm happy to stay in the closet but being confused for so long has really hit me. Not being able to totally fit in with my friends is something which I suffer from to this day and i dread it most! I've had sex with men and that was no problem but being gay is slowly killing me. Although i've never attempted suicide, I have mutilated myself several times. I just need some something to clear my mind because I'm so sick of being f**ked up!!!!!
Celebrity Skin - Fri Oct 9 22:54:08 1998

Dear Celebrity Skin - look in the community listings there are many support groups out there who will be able to help you deal with these feelings. As a teacher, I see this all too often - please contact these groups - you are worthy of support and love from those around you, just learn tom access this support - my thoughts are with you
I undersatnd!!! - Sat Oct 10 23:51:27 1998

Hi ... I am 22 and from the USA. I just wanted to say that, although I haven't take that all-important step, places like this are so important. I wish there was one based in the US! The support that one receives from a place like this is overwhelming and I am glad to have come in here. More to come from me later ...
JC - Tue Oct 13 10:47:03 1998

Dear Scared, - Thanks for your reply, I was starting to think that there was nobody out there. Regarding the film "Head on", it's a deal! I will try to see this film asap and I will report on my reaction. I should be able to report back within a week. I must say that I admire your courage. Even during extensive marriage councelling, I have never been able admit to anyone (except in an anonymous situation such as this) my sexual attraction to men. Please keep in touch.
confused - Tue Oct 13 22:29:16 1998

Celebrity Skin: When we are establishing our identity during our teens we try to find somewhere to belong. It is important to feel that we fit in with the group(s) or identities that we choose. It sounds as if you are facing conflicts between what you want to be and what you are. Some choices you have: find a group in which you fit better, make more of an effort to "fit in" with your current friends or make some compromises with your present friends so that you can be who you are and still belong. If you are still having problems I would suggest that you contact your local gay and lesbian counselling service and discuss things further with them. They can help you evaluate these options and explore others.
Panther - Wed Oct 14 8:52:14 1998

Dear confused Got your reply. Look forward to hearing from you next week. In the meantime I'll try to track down the novel upon hich the screenplay is based.
scared - Wed Oct 14 12:02:16 1998

The novel is called Loaded by Christos Tsiolkas. It is a great book, though depressing in some ways.
Panther - Wed Oct 14 19:43:23 1998

Having read a lot of the comments on this wall I would like to contribute something on a positive note. I'm 20 now and came out to my friends during Year 12 at high school, and I don't think I lost any of them as friends. I still see some of them at least every week. I came out to my best friend who, took it surprisingly well - considering I liked him, and told him how much I liked him. I came out to my parents (which I thought would be difficult) and the response was "We love you no matter what". Dad even jokes about it occasionally. Despite the fact I am still single, I consider myself pretty lucky when I read some of these posts. I guess the thing to keep in mind if you haven't come out is the same point that keeps coming through in these messages: "It might not be easy - infact it might be the most difficult thing you ever do but you can live with the satisfaction that you know who you are and accept that, hopefully as can your family and friends. If you are still waiting, or not out then I want to sincerely wish you all the best. It's your life and you should never be afraid to live it how you want to.
James - Sat Oct 17 4:25:39 1998

Also, Panther you do a great job. Having know about Pinkboard would have made things easier for me, but regardless it's nice to know this exists now. (sorry for the spam) i am so absent minded !
James - Sat Oct 17 4:32:02 1998

Hi, I'm a 30 yr old Lesbian from the US. I've only been out for 2 years, and I want others who aren't out to know that, while it may not be the easiest thing you will ever do, it is certainly the best hing you can do for yourself amd our community. I know how badly it can hurt. I lost almost all of my "friends" and my father came to my home {I had my own house} drunk ready to beat me up because of what I was "doing to your mother". Coming out has some of my most painful memories wrapped around it. Now before you get discouraged, I would not go back in "the closet" for anything, for while it was painful it also taught me who truly loved me for me. My "friends" weren't truly my friends. My father and I have worked things out. I learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined. Most importantly, I have the most wonderful woman in the world in my life who loves me just as much. Don't give up on love or happiness. They always win out in the end.
Alecto - Sun Oct 18 9:56:01 1998

Just be yourselves. Find out who you are. Be prepared for change(s) in all aspects. There are people who'll love you for who you are and whoever you are. It's your choice to come out. When you do, you'd better come out to yourself. Be comfortable with who you are because if you aren't--then, who else will? G'Day, Blokz e Barbeez. Shouts to you from the U.S. at The Jack o'The Wood Pub, Asheville, North Carolina.. :] :)
Ian Samuel - Tue Oct 20 12:02:44 1998

Dear Scared - As yet have been unable to see Head On. Due to unusual circumstances, I have been forced to look for new acommodation for me and my family. The search and packing is taking all my spare time. Please bear with me, I will go if any opportunity arises. Regards,
Confused. - Tue Oct 20 18:07:09 1998

Who said coming out was hard? I told my friends they basicly said "yeah, who cares, it's not like you've changed or anything, we're still your friends whatever happens", so i guess for me i'm lucky. If you've set yourselves up with good friends, then you've got less to worry about. It's good to look at a bit of philosophy and where all these anti-gay views come from. At the centre of such arguements are usually things like religion and conservatism, the catholic church can't even decide whether their cot deaths go to heaven or to purgatory (depends on political correctness), so i wouldn't take the bibles stance on homosexuality seriously (since just as they changed the cot birth thing because of political correctness, our time will come!) Things change, and some people just don't want to accept this. Think about it this way - you've got a limited time on this earth, you could very well get hit by a truck tommorrow, so do something useful. If all these people here and all the other closeted gays in the world just said "i'm gay, you can't do sh*t about it, so F!%ck You" there would be less of a problem. I would apologize for the language but large steps can only be taken with a non-relenting strongly supported protest. I was once a closet sitting, self pittying, i hate myself and i want to die homosexual wanna be, but after you look at the real world for a while it all becomes clear: F$ck their views, F*&ck their values, destroy their homophobia, come out and stand up to the pricks that have made your life hell. You only live once, don't live in fear, don't live in belief you're inferior, do not accept their homophobic views, fight for your rights, take up the cause and fight till you win!
Steve - Wed Oct 21 0:31:44 1998

i am though sorry for the spam (and again for this one!).
Steve. - Wed Oct 21 0:36:17 1998

Steve: I'm glad you had an easy coming out. For a lot of people they are immersed in communities and families where all they hear is hatred towards homosexuals. They discover that they are one, so what can they do? It is up to people like us to help them by showing them that all the world isn't against them. That they can be happy and successful and be lesbian or gay.
Panther - Wed Oct 21 8:57:20 1998

Sorry panther, i didnt mean to create any feeling that the whole world is against homosexuality, just that there are certain sections of the community that are, that they are wrong, and we shouldn't be scared by that. That everyone should have the same fundamental rights. I realise it's very hard for some people and i was just lucky, but it's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. I just wanted to share another view on coming out, it worked for me, it most certainly won't work for many. If you're really in a hostile situation, ignore me for it could be foolish to take this view.
Steve - Wed Oct 21 10:41:22 1998

Hi I�m 15 y/o male in year 10 and very confused. I like women and guys so I�m bi. But I find it very hard to accept. Being brought up in a loving Catholic �God Fearing� family I�ve been taught to hate the sin not the sinner. Having lived in this environment I find it really hard to accept who I am. I keep telling myself it�s just a phase. When I look at men and enjoy it I feel disgusted in myself and put myself down. Coming out to mum and dad will be hard but I know that they will just accept me for who I am, that�s just what their like. But coming out to myself is an other thing. I�m torn apart. All my friends don�t know, acutely no-one knows. My friend are all homosexual haters they think it�s sick. And I find the easiest way top deal with what I an is to agree and back it up all the more. Also finding other gay people is hard at this age so I have no-one to talk to.Can anyone offer any help? I�m in Penrith if anyone has the same problem I do or just wants to talk e-mail me at symon@pnc.com.au.
Symon - Wed Oct 21 20:04:32 1998

Hi, I am a 30 year old male. I accepted I was gay and started looking for a boyfriend about a year ago. I dont know if I can com eout to my family. I am afraid of what might happen as my dad is especially conservative and homophobic. My mum once asked if a male friend was my boyfriend and my younger sister asked me in front of my mum and my other sisters if I was gay. I denied it as we were sitting in a public area with alot of people around. I don't know what I should do? Anyone got any ideas?
batman - Wed Oct 21 21:27:32 1998

Steve, my turn to apologise. I didn't want to cheapen your experience. It is good to hear experiences such as yours, as well as all the others. If you look back a few walls you will see mine which were also fairly easy.

Symon, I think you need someone or someones to talk to. Try Acceptance - a catholic gay group, GAL TAS - Gay and Lesbian Teachers and Students or the G&L Counselling Service of NSW. Their details are in Pinkboard's Community Group Listings. ACON West may also be able to help. Also, think about talking to your mother about it, especially as she has asked and you think she will accept you.

Batman, You don't have to come out to your family till you are ready. Make sure you are strong enough within yourself to cope with whatever happens, and choose your time carefully.
Panther - Wed Oct 21 22:36:53 1998

dyke in distress-hi i am confused i have been out since jan 1996 tho have known i was always attracted to females but in the past 2 years i have been out i have also been attracted to males also and started to wonder what it was like to have sex with a male tho i think it is just curiousity as i have never had pleasurable sex with a man its always been rape but i have started getting crushes on men i just don't know what to do whether it is just a curiousity thing or whether in fact i am bi i just dunno whether it is also infactuation or not. Also i am wondering what i should do as i have this crush on my best friend and she knows i fell for her last year when we met and then have just told her again that i am still in lust with her and she thinks i am not her friend i am lying to her coz i wanna use her coz i am not a friend to her if i fall in love with her and i can't help it coz she is what i want to be really bold and outgoing and full of life and can deal with anything that comes to her and she is just the ultimate friend you can have and i am only new to having friends that don't shit on me she has been there for me all the time and i don't wanna lose that friendship!! can someone please help me?! you can email me at AngelaR@goplay.com.au
A dyke in need(kiwi-snake-gal) - Thu Oct 22 12:36:22 1998

Batman, I am 32 and also finally came to terms with my sexuality recently. I started coming out to friends and relatives that I felt would be more accepting. I eventually got around to my mum. She loves me the same and is now happy that I loved her enough to tell her. She now doesn't pester me about getting married and discourages grandma from asking when I'm going to settle down with some cute girl. She also realises that my father will not be so accepting and has agreed to let me make the dicision when will be best to tell him. One thing I know for sure is that I feel like it's ok to be me. No more pretending. Definately, don't start with your parents. That is something that you will have to work toward. "Practice" if you will. I think that when I do tell Dad, Mum will be there to smooth things out. Take it one day at a time and be proud of who you are. Your loved ones will appreciate the fact that you loved them enough not to lie to them.
stewarta@prodigy.net - Sat Oct 24 15:30:24 1998

kiwi-snake-gal: You seem to have a number of issues you need to discuss. Phone your local gay and lesbian counselling service or email me privately.
Panther - Mon Oct 26 20:54:51 1998

I am a 20 year old dyke that has not come out of the closet properly. All my friends know except for my family. My mum sort of knows but needs me to confirm it. It's so clustrophobic in here, I just want to break free and let everyone know where I am at. I want to be able to come home and to tell my bestest friend ever - my mum - that I'm in love with this incredible chic, and that I want to marry her. But i know that she will be a little dissapointed - esp inn not getting any grand kids. But the thing is I think that she deserves to know, she is my best friend after all. To all those people out there who have not come out yet, take your time, becos it's your life. I also have a web site if anyone would like to take a look: http://www/geocities.com/WestHollywood/Park/5579
gijane_79@yahoo.com - Tue Oct 27 10:39:00 1998

Coming Soon !!! That beautiful blonde belle of the Inner West is soon to take the Sydney scene by surprise and storm. Cherry is definitely not to be missed. She was seen recently at a very elite function in Dulwich Hill. Informed sources tell us it was Cherry's birthday function....or was it ???
Tue Oct 27 13:50:56 1998

How can I live a gay lifestyle and still raise a family? I would love to have kids but I would never be so selfish as to marry a girl just to use her like that. Also my brother is gay and has come out which complicates the situation of me being open about myself (although I don't feel like I need to be)-> 2 gay sons would kill my parents !!!! He also wants a family and now regrets coming out as this will effect his chances of meeting someone. Is there anyone who can offer advice ?? What should I do?? . (ps - this is difficult to say but .... because of my confused sexuality I am still a virgin at 24, not atrracted to girls and too scared to indulge in boys. I now want to give it a go but I don't want it to be dirty i.e. a pickup or a public toilet also I am not "scene" and will never be. How the hell do I meet someone like me ??? This cannot go on forever.
ambivalent - Wed Oct 28 0:13:57 1998

Ambivalent - there are lots of ways to be gay and raise a family. Being homosexual doesn't mean you have to live the "gay lifestyle". You need to determine the lifestyle that is best for you. For some that is raising a family, for others that is partying all night and day. Back to organising kids - Find a man who has children from a previous relationship and become one of their fathers. Organise something with a lesbian. Adopt or foster as a single man. (They don't allow gay couples to adopt.) Have a look at the GLRL (NSW) web site at their Maybe Baby section.
Panther - Wed Oct 28 7:36:41 1998

hi, 1st time in here. I am a country gal and I believe this web site is needed, especially in the country where there are so many narrow minded people. i have recently come out to my sista and she was excellent (over the phone) her response was, "I allready had an idea"!! I also told my best friend and she all ready suspected also. but for myself I had to accept that I was attracted 2 women and that was o.k. Coming out is a process and I am still on that path at the moment.. but i am so happy that I have taken that 1st step.i hope to meet up with a very special woman in Sydney in the next couple of months.....
Thu Oct 29 11:49:36 1998

Thu Oct 29 11:52:21 1998

I'm a 40 year old woman, It finally dawned on me about a year ago, that I'm a lesbian. Couldn't really work out what was wrong before and was pretty unhappy for a long time. Glad to say am much happier with my life / myself now. Have met some new friends & had a brief sexual relationship or two. But good sex isn't enough to sustain a relationship. My problem is where do I meet women around my own age. I go to the regular venues (Melbourne). It's a mainly young beautiful crowd. Somewhere I don't feel that I really fit in. Would like to be able to meet women in an atmosphere that didn't require talking above 110 decibles. Am beginning to think that I will be alone for the rest of my life. This of course makes me a bit sad. I have tried a few support groups etc. But mainly younger women attend. Anyone out there who can help, please feel free to make suggestions.
Getting lonely now - Sun Nov 1 12:08:30 1998

Lonely - There is a group called OWL - Older Wider Lesbians in Sydney. There are probably other similar groups in Melbourne. Also try some of the events groups. I have found they often contain a broader mix of ages, interests, etc.
Panther - Sun Nov 1 12:55:47 1998

has anyone been involved with the christian group exodus? i'd like to hear about their experiences with the church in general gileadite@hotmail.com
gileadite - Mon Nov 2 16:41:09 1998

Hey there all.....I am a 24 year old bi~sexual woman who is recently married (after being with him for 5 and a half yrs). I have found that our recent marriage has given us a new sense of security in our relationship and we now both feel comfortable about me exploring my bi~sexuality... I told him from the start that I was bi and he is completely fine with that.... I also know that I am very lucky to have such an understanding husband.... I have many several gay friends, most of them male.... but my problem is I live in Adelaide and I am finding it very hard to meet other bi~sexual women....and added to that is that I am quite feminine, and am looking for a femme bi~woman.... and wherever I go, and whomever I meet, women are either gay, straight or just not interested........ I know that I could join a group.....there is ONE here in Adelaide.... but I don't know whether I would be interested.... I am also in the process of working out what sort of relationship I want from a woman...... I am a tad worried that I will want a girlfriend once I find someone..........well...if anyone wants to respond to my ramblings....feel free....:o}
wickedness - Tue Nov 3 18:31:51 1998

oops...forgot to add my email...... salome_6@hotmail.com
wickedness - Tue Nov 3 18:37:59 1998

i just really found out that i was a lesbian last month. i have totally fallen for this girl at my school. i know that she is a lesbian too but i have never talked to her before. not even said hi. we always "eye" eachother when we see eacother but is their anyway i can approach her to see if she wants to "get to know eachother better". i am always afraid of rejection. how should I approach this??? Please help!!!
help!! - Thu Nov 5 8:23:54 1998

Help - we are all afraid of rejection. Try to think what is the worst she can do if she rejects you, then try to think how you will handle that. Maybe get to know here a bit as a friend before you do anything further. Get to know her and how she might react.
Panther - Thu Nov 5 9:04:04 1998

I am an 18 year old female who has decided thatshe is gay after falling for a girl at school who ws also interested. We are out to everyone just about but I am yet to say those 3 words to my mother. I just can't do it. She suspects already and has asked me but I can't bare to take away her dream of me getting married like all her friend's daughters seem to be doing at the moment. She wants to be proud of me. I don't know whether to give up my sexuality to make her happy or to keep living this way. I also have a very strong desire to have children which makes me want to leave the gay lifestyle but I can't bare to lose my partner. We have spoken about kids and she is excited but I can't see how it will work- a child being consieved-the father being in the kids life but not taking custody of them ...it's just too hard. Anyone got any reasuring words our there?
gereddy@hotmail.com - Fri Nov 6 15:31:53 1998

Gereddy - There are lots of ways to have kids, and society is getting more accepting of those ways. (See one of my messages above.) I also think that people should have a bit of experience of life before raising kids. You have lots of life before you. Enjoy it!
Panther - Sat Nov 7 10:56:59 1998

Hiya, well steve every now and again I browse these boards, feel really close to them as I came out after I met my boyf here over a year ago and realised I was gay, not bi or whatever. My experience was positive and I guess my friends and family had little choice but to accept it that's the sorta guy I am. On the other hand homosexuality is illegal and punishable by death (read the lovely little argument -stoning vs. cutting in two etc) in many countries, including some you might not think of. I was deliberate and careful in coming out, and made sure I had a group of close friends who knew before I made the general plunge...I reckon it is slightly different and hopefully liberating for most people. We are lucky to live in as accepting a community as we do in Oz, but there are still pockets of pretty dumb people. And symon, I was pretty homophobic, and so were my friends when I was 15, most of us have grown up a bit as we were more secure about who we were and not threatened by difference. Don;t rush it, and remember it is your business and life, no-one elses! Like panther suggests before making your friends and family sudddenly accept a change they can;t deal with emotionally, speak to support groups who will be able to give you good advice. There are plenty of people like you, so go speak to them and relax if you can.
blake - Wed Nov 11 9:57:41 1998

I've cried while reading these stories; this page has struck a chord with me. I am 20 - female.... and am still very much exploring my sexuality. I was in love with my best friend a few years ago, but I'm not sure.. being gay isn't so obvious to me. I've been throwing the idea around in my head. I feel so lost and sad when I think about it. I can't define who I am. Am I barking up the wrong tree given that I don't have a strong feeling of homosexuality? Only a strong feeling of confusion! please mail anon@phayze.com
anon - Thu Nov 12 3:44:23 1998

Hi Everybody I don't know if I may jump into this discussion since I'm not from Australia but I am a closetted gay from a more conservative country who is trying to gradully come out before it's too late. So far I've suffered from many depressions mostly because my being unable to accept myself as what I am. I have never had any sexual experience with another guy but I do think I must start now before it's too late. I would appreciate it if any of you can give me any inputs or share any experience being gay. So far I've been terribly confused. Please mail me at vitriolic_ketus@yahoo.com
vitriolic_ketus@yahoo.com - Thu Nov 12 20:50:04 1998

Thank god (well may be not god ) that this page exist - I am a 40yr old woman - who despite my long time committment to feminist politics etc etc, who has only just had the courage to come out. I am finding that the coming out is mainly to myself. I thought I was so cool and well adjusted I have been amazed at how much internalised homophobia I have been carrying. It has been so bad that I split up with my girlfriend (who I adore) for a few months. I didnt even consciously realise it. I thought I was just f**ked up. It has been such a relief to connect the dots and understand what in the hell has been going on with me for so long. It has taken me soooooo long to begin to come to terms with this that I feel quite sad about it. I have been ashamed and scared of who I was for so much of my teenage and adult life. Now alot of things about my life are beginning to make sense to me. Its like a light has been turned on. But (theres always a but) I am still scared. I declare my love to my girlfriend, get a bit more "out "to myself and get scared again. Eg. I ask her to do activities with me because I love her and then I realise that then all the people at the activity will know I'm a lesbian and I am afraid that they will become hostile. I f**king hate this. F**k them ! I live in a place that is quite homophobic and I'm afraid I'm going to ge harassed or bashed. God it pisses me off. Accepted one minute the suject of violence and hatred the next. I have started working out to feel like I can defend myself. I suspect more involvement with g&l projects would help. Maybe the anti violence project.. It is hard for me to be a beginner at this. All my friends have been out for years. I feel like its Ok if your younger but I feel embarassed talikingabout my fears and internalised homophobia with my lover and friends . One more thing ........my kids have been ostricised at school. It is so unfair. One child is fantastic and accepts my sexuality but the other (teenager) is really angry about it. I am finding this heartbreaking. Also my baby (who is sweet about it) is the one who has suffered for it , and he is really soft and sensitive. I really feel bad about it. I am greatful to have this page to vent my anger (I am greatful to have the anger instead of internalising it into isolation and depression). So thanks for putting up with my long winded rave. Its my first time to really be open about this stuff in the world.
Sat Nov 14 12:30:24 1998

Hey all, I have just read through all the postings here dating back to May. Wow, so finally I have proof that I am not alone. I am a 29 year old guy who has only just come to terms with his sexuality this year. I am keen to talk with other 20somethings about their experiences via email if possible. As for coming out, well, I am getting there I guess. Taking one day at a time and limiting it to a needs to know basis. I told one of my best friends who has been very supportive. The family are going to be a different story for sure. For those in or around Sydney, I strongly recommend your see a show called RENT. It made me sit up and take stock of my life. The message is simple: no day but today. Well I am getting square eyes from all the online reading I have just done. Take care all, and thanks for reading my story. Keep up the good work Panther! Like I said, any other gay guys who would like to chat, email me: meggzie69@hotmail.com
AndyinWestOz - Sun Nov 15 19:11:54 1998

To AndyinWestOz: I'm not straight, I'm not gay, I'm just me! That's the line I'm using with everyone just now. You see, I'm a 30 year old professional who just left his wife of 6 years, and his 4 beautiful children. There were enough other problems in my marriage for me to leave, and ultimately sexuality had nothing to do with the split up. But now I find that sexuality is something that I am having to deal with - not for me, I'm quite comfortable living a gay lifestyle, but for everyone else. I simply *can't* come out at work (a boss just doesn't do that), and my ex-wife is a strongly moral catholic. I feel it would be selfish to come out to her. I would gain a little freedom, but she would only gain hurt, anger, and an excuse for the failed marriage. My kids, well, they're young - but they'll just know, I'm sure of that (I always was and always will be a very active father to them). What I'm having trouble with is getting into the scene after a decade of being 'locked away' in a straight world. Lonliness is the biggest killer. Ever noticed how you can be in a club full of people and be lonlier than you've been in your entire life? If anyone is having experiences similar to mine, you can email me at ozred98@yahoo.com. To AndyinWestOz, this is not an easy road to travel, and one day at a time is surely the best thing to do.
ozred - Thu Nov 19 19:06:59 1998

Hey Ozred, although I haven't been married, I have certainly had my fair share of family woes. I guess for me it was the constant asking "when are you going to find yourself a nice girl and settle down." Two problems with that, obviously the first being I didn't really want a nice girl and second I dont ever seem to be ready to settle down. Sure, I thought about tying the knot a few times, mainly when I was in my earlier 20s and everyone else seemed to be doing it. But fate dealt me the right blow and I never went through with it. My friends who married then are now single again, and I can't help but wonder how many of them may be gay also! You never know. I work for an organisation which is far from gay friendly, although I have been known to put homophobic pricks back in their place, pun intended. My biggest fear is losing everything - job, friends and family if everyone knew. I know there are measures in place to protect your basic human rights, but the stigma and isolation may be too hard to handle alone. The road isn't easy, but it sure as hell as been interesting. Each day I get a little more confident with myself and take a more of a scenic road rather than the safe straight road. I hope to find a partner who will take me for who and what I am. So far the search has turned up nothing, but I have decided I am not going to give up. Late last year, an old friend of mine from my uni days committed suicide because he found out he was HIV+. He told his friends that he caught it through sharing a needle which we all believed. I found out a month after his funeral that he had caught it through sexual contact and that he was in fact bisexual. He couldn't cope with the shame and humilation. I can't help but think if I had been a little more honest with him, and been there as a supportive friend should have, maybe, just maybe he would still be alive today....
AndyWestOz - Fri Nov 20 10:21:18 1998

Hi there. Ozred, I agree with you. Whilst I'm proud of what and who I am, (and also try to get a little involved in gaining equality), ultimately you are simply who you are. Sometimes I think we tend to categorise ourselves as much as we are categorised by others. I only came out a few years ago, (though in retrospect 'knew' I was gay for years...I'm 31 now), and whilst I've never been in your situation re marriage, think that you're consideration of everyone's feelings is really good. It's a shame you can't just be yourself at work. I too am professionally employed, but luckily the company I work for, (referring to AndyWestOz's comments) is really open and no-one has a worry in the world about it. In fact, there are several gay guys working both with and for me. Lonliness is a real pain - there's no doubt about it, and Ozred's right - it's amazing how alone you feel in a full club - (and there are so many in Sydney and still....!) It is a long, sometimes painful road, but not giving up is the key. It all takes time and I guess the most important thing is, (as we often read here), to take it all at your own pace. Don't let anyone else set it for you. AndyWestOz, sorry about your friend. It says a bit about society that he felt ashamed about who he was. You can't blame yourself though.....it was just as hard for him to be honest with you too.
CJ - Fri Nov 20 19:34:15 1998

Hey, I posted something back to Ozred, where did it go? Such is life, I guess, and now I wish I could remember what I had written. Ozred, I also work for an organisation which would not look favourably upon my sexuality. Although they may well be guessing as I type! But it frustrates me that I have to live a single life in order to work. Coming to terms with your sexuality is one thing. I am what I am. Finding a partner is another story. If I had a dollar for every once of meeting I have had in my short life, well, I wouldn't be rich, but I would have enough to write myself off at the nearest pub! No day but today! hope to read from you soon! AndyinWestOz
AndyinWestOz - Sat Nov 21 11:15:26 1998

Back to Andy and CJ: I read your posting Andy, and like CJ I'm sorry about your friend. But I agree fully with him when he says that 'it was just as hard for him to be honest with you too'. Everything in life is a risk, and we all make our decisions based on what the percieved risks of a particular action are. I try not to feel guilty or regretful about my choices because, at the time, they were probably the right ones to make. But in time everything changes, including people, so your choice *becomes* a mistake. You just have to remember that it wasn't a mistake to start with. Perseverance is the key. Don't get angry, don't get resentfull, get stronger! (ozred98@yahoo.com)
OzRed - Sun Nov 22 13:51:52 1998

Thanks to CJ and Ozred for replying to my post, I'm so glad I stumbled across this site now. I'd just like to add something about my mate who did himself in last year after he became HIV+. I was inspired to read Ian Robert's biography following J's death. He was a rugby fan (I myself follow AFL) and requested in his "note" that all his friends buy a copy and read it. So I did. Okay so the bits about famous rugby clashes went over my head, but it is a very good book. I certainly gained a great deal of inner strength from it. Fundamentally, Robert's refers to the mental and emotional strain you bring on yourself by "living your life as a bullsh*t story to please everyone else." For me, that hit the nail on the head. I have lost count of the number of times I have pretended to be eyeing off a girl in a bar (with str8 friends) when really I was checking the hot looking guy behind her. Building a supportive network of friends is important, and I have two close friends who know the score. They are there for me, and basically just ask that I be myself. I like that. I also like the fact that one of them has only just turned 21. He'll go far with his positive attitude to life. I don't blame myself in anyway for J doing himself in, I just wished I had been there for him. I don't resent the people immediately around him for not helping him, as I think he never bother to ask for help. If reading a book is going to be a tribute to him, then I oblige. I am always open to new ideas and ways of looking at things. I hope everyone had a good weekend, and I look forward to reading from you all soon!
AndyinWestOz - Sun Nov 22 21:13:09 1998

i am new to the area and still a little confused of who i am but, i have been out since i was five years old and 1 question i need to know why do most gay men not like drag queens. I mean we are like everybody else please respond as soon as posible thank you.
Tage Trimbur age 21 - Thu Nov 26 3:26:17 1998

hi to the 17 year old male (fri july 10) in regards to your comment at 21 years old i find myself in the same spot even tho i have been married since i was 14, and now divorced i know how hard it is between you and your parents because i was kicked out because of it but if you and your family are close then you should be ok... I hope to hear from you soon and tell me if things went well thank you for your time
Tage Trimbur age 21 - Thu Nov 26 3:57:35 1998

Tage - I thought that most gay men adored drag queens. Personally I think dressing up as a woman and miming to a song is a waste of talent. Having seen the best that Australia has to offer in dance and song I don't see much entertainment value in drag. You can only admire the outfit for a few seconds. Where they introduce some other aspect of entertainment like dancing or comedy or even singing in their real voice, then it is legitimate entertainment. Lots of people, however, respect drag queens because they are out there, visibly different, fighting for rights. This could also be the reason some people hate drags, because they dare to be different.
Panther - Thu Nov 26 8:52:32 1998

hi guys well this is my first time on here i'm 31 living in the bush and it is hard out here trying to live and meet guys but most seem to be wanting sex and then go on. i came out when i was 25-26 it was xmas eve and my life was having an enormous change and i couldn't hold it in any longer i tried too but i kept crying. my dad was the first family member i told besides my aunty and she warned me that my dad wouldn't take it well but i wanted to tell him first, so i said can we go for a drive and he said is there something you want me to know and i said my life is changing dad he started saying that i shouldn't worry about things so much but i told him that it was about me and my sex life. i had so much responsibility taking on the family farm and hi expextations for next generations, so i said to myself i need to be honest to myself and my family life is too short.when i told my dad he was hurt at first but cutting a long story short he has been my best support. since coming out i've had 2 relationships both long term and were fantastic guys but it all changed and life goes on it does. i'm glad i found this site being pinkboard keep up the good work panther thanks for reading me :)
JD - Thu Nov 26 22:13:42 1998

JD - being gay in the bush has its own special problems. Hang in there. There are 3 of us in the west queensland town where I live. It's nice to have the friendship of others. I'm not out publicly -it would be too life threatening.
Thu Nov 26 22:26:49 1998

I have been reading this list for a while and have realised that there are so many others like me. I am married with have 3 kids and have been quite content over the last ten years and happy with the way my life was going. But 12 months ago me and a friend was having a drink and although nothing major happened things happened that changed my life. Although I have been attracted to guys before I have never had the feelings for them that I have had for my firend. I have wanted to tell my wife but have never had the courage for fear of losing my family and friends and my mate; I hate the thought of being alone. Over the last few weeks me and my wife have become so distant and have even been to see a marriage councellor.I have not been able to tell the truth but it has been harder to live this lie. I hate what this is doing to us as she thinks it is her when it is really me. If I should tell her to end her heartache it may make things worse for me and her and I can't take on any more than what I have now. What the hell should I do?
Chicken - Sat Nov 28 3:20:34 1998

Chicken - Do you think you can say to your wife that it is you rather than her and that you can't discuss the reasons at the moment, but you hope you can one day. Maybe also say some things that it isn't, like another woman. This should help her regain her balance a bit and be there to help you. Often the wife is the best friend and the only one people feel comfortable talking to.
Panther - Sat Nov 28 11:19:56 1998

Anyone have any advise about outing yourself at work? My girlfriend and I work together - she's out, and I'm not. She want's me to out myself so she can tell people we're together, but I'm concerned about how it will affect my chances of promotion. Can anyone offer any help??
careergrrl - Sun Nov 29 1:29:10 1998

hi there careergirl, yeh i came out at work it was a long process but i let people think for themselves and work it out my bf would always come in and have lunch with me and over time they ask me and i said yes i am gay. they where really cool about it and after that the women left me alone :).it is a big step to do it but go how you feel and good luck
friend - Sun Nov 29 18:53:12 1998

Where do I begin? Where do I go? I have been playing the straight game so long I wouldn't know where to start meeting women. And it scares the shit out of me that my life is going to be spent too scared to ask a woman out cos she will condemn me for being gay. I want to be able to go out for a drink and meet people who just accept this as fact. I am in Melbourne - somebody point me in the right direction please!!!
Epiphany - Sun Nov 29 23:27:24 1998

Carreergrrl - You are probably the best one to know how it counl affect your career. It may save you needing to sleep with sleazy bosses to get a promotion though. And there are laws against discrimination. As to coming out, you could go to the Christmas Party together.
Panther - Mon Nov 30 8:59:25 1998

40 yr old lesbian....back again, out and frightened. I need to remember to keep reading literature about internalised homophobia, it has just about killed my relationship with my girlfriend a number of times. Just when I think I've got it together, I suddenly feel distant with her and I remember that I still need to keep challenging the homophobia I have been absobing for twenty years. We just discussed today that we want to grow old together (very slowly ! ) and I dont want to let any small minded crap get in the way. It has taken me too long to come out and too long to find happiness. P.S. Does any one know where to get some genuine lesbian erotica ( literature and film )
40 and fabulous - Tue Dec 1 20:16:41 1998

Fabulous 40 - In Sydney try the Bookshop Darlinghurst for the literature. They may be able to tell you where a local shop is too.
Panther - Tue Dec 1 20:52:12 1998

Epiphany: I know how you feel... been there not too long ago! I think the best way to meet other gay people is to join a social kind of group not based around picking up - and I wouldn't worry if it seems to be mostly gay guys you meet at first. You'll at least develop a supportive network that way, and you'll meet other gay women later. Try something related to your interests - have a look at Pinkboard's "Victorian Community Groups" page, or get your hands on a copy of "MSO" or "Brother Sister" magazine. The universities all have groups as well, and that is an ideal place to start if you are at uni at all.
Been there before! - Tue Dec 1 22:12:10 1998

Well, this might help me a bit *crosses fingers*, i'm 17 and i'm gay, i've known for as long as i remember and accepted it, now all i gotta do is get some friends i can talk to. Being a shy nerd *grin* IRC helps alot and i've met a few people, however IRC is such a bitchy convoluted medium, with *alot* of very weird persons so i was jsut wondering is there any other way, clubs and bars freak me out and *support* groups are not my thing either, any suggestions.
Pepsi - Wed Dec 2 15:46:54 1998

Pepsi, I'm a 21 and I've only recently come out myself. I tried IRC for a while, and found that the bitchiness got too much, and I also hated the idea of a "support" group. Eventually I got up some guts and went along to the group at my uni, which was really primarily a social and political group. I found myself becoming interested in some of the political issues gay people face. It was the perfect environment for me to meet people, because there wasn't any kind of personal couselling - in fact, nobody ever asked me what my personal reason for being there was, or anything about my history. I guess they knew that if I wanted to tell it, I would. It didn't take long before I was firm friends with some members of the group, and we'd always go and have coffee after the meetings. I guess there must be some groups around that are for counselling, but most are not, and I personally don't think counselling is necessarily what you need when you first come out. I'd recommend instead that you go along to a group that is about something you're interested in - either a political group, or a sport or music related group. If you're shy, perhaps go along with one of your IRC friends who is also interested...
Hope that helps - Wed Dec 2 17:43:55 1998

Hi Pepsi, well I met a lot of great guys through pinkboard friendship/relationship section, even though I wasn;t looking for sex. I e-mail a lot of them regularly and chatted to several in person. I guess I would also recommend the uni groups and support groups which aren;t all about humming in a circle and holding hands, nor counseling. Just collet a few e-mail buddies. I only came out last year and was helped heaps by guys here.
blake (ozfreespirit@hotmail.com) - Wed Dec 2 20:22:53 1998

Hope and blake, thanx.
Pepsi - Thu Dec 3 14:41:35 1998

Hi crew! AndyinWestOz here again. Well I decided to take the plunge and tell two of my closest, and trusted, friends that I am gay. The reaction was overwhelming. One a male friend and the other a female friend. I got a response which I guess many people get "I've suspected for a *long* time, I've been waiting for you to feel comfortable with it to tell me." I couldn't help myself and retorted with a question asking how many of my friends had been guessing....the answer seemed to be parallel - a lot of them. Still, only these two are the only two who know and as far as I am concerned are the only two who need to know. Telling them wasn't hard, I just had to find the right moment. The right words came by themselves. Anyway, thanks to Ozred and Panther and a couple of others (who I have forgotten, sorry in advance!) for the kewl emails! I've still got a long way to go, but each day I am getting stronger and happier within myself. All I need know is Mr Right to walk into my life and join me on my journey. Keep the faith, no day but today! (Email still welcomed and wanted: Meggzie69@hotmail.com)
AndyinWestOz - Thu Dec 3 21:23:17 1998

Dear Scared, I seem to have blown it,(pun unintended) by the time I finished moving, (as advised earlier) the movie "head on" does not seem to be showing anywhere. Any suggestions? A quick browse of the comments since my last entry don't seem to hold any answers. Would appreciate contact.
Confused - Fri Dec 4 23:24:14 1998

Dear Confused, I'm in Sydney and I'm sure I saw it listed in the Sydney Morning Herald Metro last time I looked. If your're in Sydney I suggest you look there. I'f you're not I can't really help - maybe some of the cinemas in you part of the world have web sites.
Scared - Tue Dec 8 10:18:31 1998

If anyone is out there in the Canberra Region, im trying to setup a relaxed social group for 16-24yrs bi\les\ curious girls. Follow the URL for more info: http://www.geocities.com/westhollywood/village/7068/quartz.html
Red - Thu Dec 10 11:01:24 1998

Greetings!! I am a 25 y/o SWM that is also bi. I am not out of the closet to anyone -- especially my parents. I know that my mother has her clues and is pretty sure that I'm bi -- but, she hasn't said anything to me about it. I am just a normal person that likes to dress in women's panties, suck on cock, eat pussy, and just about anything else sexual!! (As long as pain is not involved!) I would like to hear from anyone that would like to e-mail me. My e-mail addresses are: 1) paragon1973@hotmail.com 2) dalecheney@hotmail.com 3) cheneymail@yahoo.com Hope to hear from ya all soon!! Peace and Love! Dale C.
Dale C in SE Kansas - Thu Dec 10 11:13:46 1998

Well i didn't meet another gay guy till i was 21, i denied all those feelings inside me. When i was 17 i tried to hurt myself and nearly succeeded. Now i'm 25, living in a new town, and struggling to accept myself, against the facade of indifference that the gay scene puts up to me. I just want to be accepted as who i am for what i am, nothing more.
Eric - Sat Dec 12 20:53:23 1998

Hi, I read the whole board the other night and got thoroughly depressed. It seems so easy to come out for everyone and I just can not get the nerve up to tell anyone. I cried my eyes out the other night and was so angry at myself that i was so gutless. I really want to people to know but I am a teacher and I dont think I could handle teaching if any of the kids knew. I am also involved in the church and I know that some of them would spit it if they knew. Not that, that bit worries me just I feel like I am letting everybody down because everyone thinks I am just a wonderful person, good at everything. I am also involved in junior sport and they would all think that I am some perverted guy if they found out. So when I weigh everything up it seems easier as it is, though I am 28 and shit I am sick of living a single life. Oh well life will go on.
D - Sun Dec 13 1:56:55 1998

sorry for being such a dumb ass and posting it three times
d - Sun Dec 13 1:58:20 1998

Hi! I'm looking for somebody to write to anywhere around this planet. I'm French but my English skills are very good. I read a lot of comments and peoples seemed to be really cool. Have a great day!!!!
tom - Sun Dec 13 9:09:47 1998

Only 12 shopping days until Christmas! A message for D, who posted above several times in fact to make sure we read it. First mate, you are not alone. Most of us here, even those who have got it together and moved on, know exactly what you are going through. Coming out is a personal process which may take time, as you begin to understand yourself and your chosen lifestyle. Second, I can relate to the junior sport issue. I spent a few years as a Youth Development Officer with a surf lifesaving club. Probably the single most homophobic environment you can find in Australia. How do you think the members would react if they knew about my sexuality? I can totally understand the pervert factor, because it worries me too. Third, writing your thoughts down on the board helps, but you have to reach out and build a network of friends who can be there for you. I have a great network of friends via email, and I doubt I will get to meet any of them. But they are there for me, and I can write to them when I feel the need for moral support. Finally, you are not alone. (Yes I repeat myself.) You are pioneering the changes to your lifestyle, but you are not the first to have done so. You have found us here, feel free to use the support network to make your journey easier. Your only obligation in life is to be yourself. (Email: Meggzie69@hotmail.com)
AndyWestOz - Sun Dec 13 9:46:39 1998

D - There is no need to tell any of those people at the moment. It sounds as if you aren't ready to tell them anyway. You will know when the time is right. Does your sexuality affect your performance as a teacher or in sport? Try this exercise - Write down a list of everything you do. Mark the things that really have anything to do with your sexuality. Also, I think you need someone you can talk to who accepts you are you are. Maybe find a friend, or an email companion, or even your local counselling service.
Panther - Sun Dec 13 11:55:44 1998

D - Everyone probably thinks you are a wonderful person and good at everything because you are! No matter whether you come out or not, this will not change. You will remain the same person, it is only the perception of others that will change. My personal golden rule is that if you don't feel comfortable doing something, then don't do it - and that goes for coming out too. There is no rule anywhere that says you must come out. Do what you think is best for yourself. And if you do decide not to come out, don't get angry at yourself - in some cases it is emotionally harder not to come out. That certainly doesn't make you gutless. Do for you. (email: ozred98@yahoo.com)
OzRed - Sun Dec 13 15:28:03 1998

Wow, a lot has happened since the last time I posted. (Un?)Fortunately for me, I survived my suicide attempt and so will live to post another day. It's all very well to say "Go and see the gay and lesbian counselling organization" but when they're on the other side of the city and you have no transport, it becomes difficult (especially when you're completely closeted to your family and therefore can't ask them to give you a lift). Anyway, the real purpose of this post- How do I avoid falling for straight women? My two major crushes, both of whom I met at school, were (and still are) straight as the proverbial arrow. Maybe it's because I never meet any other lesbian/bisexual types. Bit hard when you're 16 (too young to go to clubs etc.)
Phraser (a hot 'n sweaty Brisbane chick) - Mon Dec 14 1:39:11 1998

Phraser, I for one am so glad you made it. I remember reading your first post, and felt that all to familiar feeling of self loathing. Rememeber that there are plenty of other people out there (yes some of us around the same age (i'm 18)) who are happy to talk to you over the net, if you need to....
Jazz_28@hotmail.com - Mon Dec 14 18:09:40 1998

hiya guys, well so much has happened since I last logged on, so much familiar stuff. I wanted to say hi to "D" and *hugs*. You are in a pretty difficult but not rare position. It may seem overwhelmingly difficult, the whole social/professional/trust thing but I guess there is no rush about coming out, definitely doing something hasty is unwise! I came out when I had a good reason to, and knew where I stood. On the other hand I also walled myself in with excuses and fears, I know plenty of gay teachers, and depending on where you are it doesn;t qualify you for a pervert instantly. I guess you need to be sure the time is right, and hey, it's your information!!!! SO the timing is all yours. I agree with andywestoz, there are people there for you, anonymous but friendly, and use them for e-mail support and more. I guess you have to be in control of yourself, and understand that you have control over the process, it isn;t easy else why did I come out at 33???? But it was worth it for me, in the end, and I did it very carefully.
blake - Mon Dec 14 18:56:27 1998

Hi all. Well I've not logged on for a bit either, and like blake, see that it's all pretty familiar stuff. D, if your professional performance isn't affected by no-one knowing, then is there a need to tell anyone yet? As so many of us say....the only person who has to feel comfortable with coming out is you. You're number one. There's no doubt that when you DO come out, you will find out just who your friends are and who they aren't, but it's only their perception of you that has changed....your ability to do your job hasn't altered in the slightest. It's sure as hell wasn't easy for me to come out, but I'm lucky in that I've got a great network of friends and family who accept me for who I am - not what I am. It should never be an issue anyway. Never come out just because you feel obliged to. There's nothing at all "gutless" about not coming out, though I know you may feel you're living a bit of a split life, but do it in your time and on your terms. You owe no-one anything. Once you've uttered those words, there can be no going back - ever! Do it when you're confident of the reaction you'll get and I suggest starting with friends first - at your own pace. Take it easy, and hope to 'speak' soon.
CJ - Mon Dec 14 19:24:37 1998

Hi Panther. Any chance of a new board when you've time? This one's getting a little unwieldy! Thanks.
CJ - Mon Dec 14 19:26:06 1998

Hey Eric, you're several steps ahead of where I was at 25. I didn't even come out until I was about your age. Do you have people you can talk to? It's not easy to deal with 'the scene'. I guess it can be pretty indifferent at times! Are you struggling with any issues in particular? I guess a lot depends on where you live. Hopefully it's an accepting place, (though I don't know if you're actually out or not), but if not, just chat away to us.......maybe it helps! Take it easy.
CJ - Mon Dec 14 21:13:50 1998

Maybe there is hope for humanity. At least i believe there is. Maybe we're not all hurtling thru space strapped into a space ship with somebody else in control. Being gay is one aspect of my identity, if people cannot accept that there is no fault or blame for being gay, that it simply is, then too bad. Being gay and not part of the scene does make it very hard to meet genuine guys. How do others cope with this paradox?
Eric - Mon Dec 14 23:37:40 1998

Just a big thank you to all those wonderful people that responded to what I wrote (3 times) the other night, you have all helped me heaps. (trade@inf.net.au)
D - Tue Dec 15 1:20:38 1998

Phraser - The G&L Counselling Service is a phone service in almost all states around Australia. They often have a toll free number also. And there are many other places to meet people. I admit that there are very few groups for people under 18 though. Was your suicide attempt because you are a lesbian and see no hope (despite seeing there is hope from places like Pinkboard) or because of unrequited love?
Panther - Tue Dec 15 9:05:08 1998

Hi there guys, anyone know of a social group (not sex grp) for young professionals, who are out? Not after some neo-nazi brigade but but just a fun kinda peer group?
Tue Dec 15 14:05:18 1998

Re a social group for young, out professionals....one that I know of in Sydney, (I'm not sure if it's anywhere else), is the Gay and Lesbian Business Association. They do things like monthly talks with various guest speakers. Maybe that's to formal?....but I don't know of any others myself.
Tue Dec 15 19:35:50 1998

Hey Eric, what to use when you're not out....try Pinkboard - seriously. Again, it depends where you are to a fair extent. Certainly not everywhere has a "scene" like say, Sydney - be that good or bad! Also, a space ship - sometimes I reckon it's more like a roller coaster !!
CJ - Tue Dec 15 19:43:19 1998

Anxious: Hi. I am about to turn 21 in a few months and have been out to myself for about a year. I knew I was always gay since about 12, but hoped it was a phase. I kept on having less and less sleep and I used to get these nightmares. Funny enough, after I had accepted it in my heart, I felt a little more at ease. I finally told my two best friends (both straight) and I feel closer to them since they accepted it so easily (I guess true friendship knows no bounds). My brother accidently found out I was gay, he approached me about it and I did not deny it. He was really thrown back, but he loves me no matter what. I guess he is still hoping I grow up and have a 'normal' family, but he wont hate me if I don't. Im still contemplating telling my parents, but that is something I will not plan for. In the meantime, I have just gotten my own car (ie. my own freedom) and have been tempted to visit Sydneys Gay scene. I really want to get to know a gay guy and experiment with my sexuality. I hope there are other people out there around my age willing to give it a try. If so, drop me a line.
Bubby (saleema@bigpond.com) - Sun Dec 20 5:28:07 1998

is there anyone there? i'm not even sure i'm doing this right! well, i'm a 26 year old average looking lesbian from oklahoma state visiting my parents here in northglenn and i do not know a single gay soul. i'm in gay hell!!! my parents don't know, or haven't been told i'm gay. my beautiful fiance left me 4 months ago and i need to get back in the scene and shake off the blues, but without all the psychotics out there. it would be nice to meet a "family" friend to see the town. any advise on how to go about meeting someone? place any advice on the bulletin board or leave an email address or place to chat . i can't recieve email here. thanks
KSH - Sun Dec 20 11:56:48 1998

KSH - There are a lot of web email services such as hotmail that allow you to receive email anywhere! Also see Pinkboard Personals.
Panther - Mon Dec 21 9:04:44 1998

Phraser - Check out the social group called Blyss. Their number should be in BrotherSister. They are a social group for young lesbians and do all sorts of things. Blyss is a great group for meeting new people and forming some great friendships.
Lj - twinners30@hotmail.com - Mon Dec 21 12:50:19 1998

Love is the universal equaliser. It doesn't matter what sort of packaging it comes in, the message is the same. We are all the same inside - we all have a heart. Sometimes I think people forget, and believe they are truly better. Every time I come across people like this you can only pray for their lost souls. Don't give up, when someone turns away, be thankful that you will never be such a sad soul. Turn the anger into pity. It seems to help. Have a fantastic new year everyone:)
honey - Sat Dec 26 17:49:01 1998

Hi, I am David a young guy that goes to church of Jesus christ of latter-day saints I am wondering if there is any guy at there goes to the same church some where out there, we know we are not to be gay but heck what is wrong being gay, and get nervous if getting found out, so I was wondering if a support group can be formed for guys in there situation. You can email me on siebuhr@mailexcite.com I am in the brighton area, and goe to the brackenridge ward. see ya, and christian greetings
Tue Dec 29 12:03:55 1998

does anyone know af any lesbian/bi support gruops in Newcastle NSW? (leetamoon@hotmail.com)
leets - Tue Dec 29 22:48:10 1998

does anyone know af any lesbian/bi support groups in Newcastle NSW? (leetamoon@hotmail.com)
leets - Tue Dec 29 22:48:39 1998

I am hating this bad state of confusion. I had my first lesbian experience when I was 15 years old and it felt right. At that age... I just passed it off as experimenting.. and moved on. In between now and then i ahve had relationships with a few men all of them ending badly because i just felt there was something missing.. and just recently (well in the past 6 months) i ahve been dating women again. i am so darned confused it's not funny. I'm living in a world of tug 'o' war..where i dont know which way to go.. and i dont like being classified as Bi. the main thing that worries me is my parents reaction.. being an only child. I just know mum wants me to have children and your regular male/female white wedding.. and live in my white picket fence house.... I cant seem to find people to connect with.. i have come out to a few of my friends who are straight and have receiced mixed reactions.. most of my friends are gay men.. and I always cop "faghag" remarks and taunts when we go out.. it's just so hard... why does being yourself. or discovering yourself have to be so hard? I feel i'm letting people down.. i know i should make the decision for myself.. it just isnt that easy.
Tue Dec 29 23:02:29 1998

Leets - See Pinkboard Community Groups listings. There are a few listed there. Phone the information line for the latest info.
Panther - Wed Dec 30 9:15:36 1998

Confused - How about giving yourself say 6 months or a year to just live and be yourself, then make a decision about labels and family after that time.
Panther - Wed Dec 30 9:20:37 1998

Miss confused, Don't give up,just take a deep breath and take your time...a big cyberhug to u :)
honeyxoxo - Thu Dec 31 2:40:51 1998

I am 15 and a half years old, gay, and live in Newcastle. I did, however, live in Gloucester beforehand. Although to begin with I tried to deny my sexuality to myself, I learned to cope. I came out to my parents, and they were great. But that was the easy part. I was quite well liked and universally known in Gloucester (2500 people). There was nobody who I could tell or talk with. I felt very strongly attracted to a number of boys in my year, one a close friend. I felt very emotionally unstable, although I was able to maintain my "external" self. I am hoping that it will be better in Newcastle - a town with fewer rumours. PS This site is great.
Frustrated - Sun Jan 3 16:46:09 1999

I forgot to add my e-mail - heart@start.com.au. I should also have said that this wall brought me close to tears.
Frustrated - Sun Jan 3 16:59:24 1999

Hi, interesting page. I am 31yrs old with a wife and five year old child. Both of whom who I love very much. I went through the exploring my sexuality stage 18 months and missed both my wife and child heaps. Went back to them and sorted through a lot of issues with a great counsellor. Presently I still think that I made the correct decision but at times when I am not constantly busy I keep wondering what is the meaning of life, what am I doing, am I gay etc etc etc. Quite often thought of suiciding but never really have the guts to go through with it(always worried I might miss something really good that is just about to happen. Hows that for delusion!). Anyway once again I am at the stage of being on an extended vacation and my mind turns again. I have taken great delight in reading others confused letters it gives me hope that I am not the only one confused. At the present I would really like some friends as I don't really have any. I just don't feel comfortable with most people. Unsure whether this is just that I am screwed in the head or whether I don't have anything in common. Would love to meet and socialise with some others guys in this predicament. It would be great to just be able to feel comfortable with some other men and talk about something more real than just the football or the cricket. Oh well I have rambled enough. If anyone wants to chat contact me at ajt@angelfire.com To meet I live in the lower Blue Mountains NSW.
Mon Jan 4 12:36:26 1999

hey, i'm gay, but who gives a sh*t nowadays? staying in the closet or coming out--what's the difference? apathy rules, man!
discantus - Mon Jan 4 13:44:03 1999

Hi all....Happy New Year!, It is great that there are sites like this that can truely help people. My name is Jordan and I am a 27 year old male and that did "Come Out" when I was 17 years old. I really had not a problem with family and friends when I did so. I had lost a few male friends.....I grew, they didn't. A point I would like to make is labels being thrown onto people. I do realize that society does a way of doing so but who I sleep with and love is my own bussiness as a human being...which is one label I will wear. Let us try to focus on that. That is what we all are "Human Beings". Gay, straight, bi, lesbian....we are human beings. Love and compassion for us all!! =0) Thanks for the space and time
Jordan (JordanOR@aol.com) - Mon Jan 4 18:40:03 1999

G'day all, AndyinWestOz back again for the new year. Just wanted to wish everyone, including Panther, the very busy for 1999. I've decided that this year is going to be my year, the one where I can finally get things happening in my life. Welcome new pinkboarders, and salutations for the more seasoned. Look forward to hearing from you all soon.
AndyinWestOz (Meggzie69@hotmail.com) - Mon Jan 4 23:08:29 1999

I want to come out... it has been a long process, but I am finally ready. I want to find a gentle young (25ish) man to share my sexuality with. You will have to be gentle, because I am really scared. Please email me so we can meet 12incher@bigfoot.com
Trixxxy - Tue Jan 5 3:03:48 1999

Hi, I am 17yr and think I might be gay. I have recurring dreams about Elizabeth Taylor. In them she has fairly big hair and is wearing big caftans and I am giving her hair and makeup tips. This is worring me, does anyone else get these dreams, and does it mean I am gay. I have never had a girlfriend yet.
A. - Wed Jan 6 21:12:14 1999

Panther, this is a good board. Wish it had been around a few years ago ... But I have to correct your post of Nov 1. OWL's are older and *wiser* lesbians, not older and wider!!
dmc - Sun Jan 10 0:11:19 1999

dmc - Oops. Sorry about that typo. I hope I didn't give anyone the wrong impression.
Panther - Sun Jan 10 12:39:36 1999

Continued ...

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