Pinkboard: Coming Out Graffiti Wall III

There are lots of people and groups that will help you in coming out. Groups like the NSW Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service's Coming Out Groups are especially good. Though not everyone needs them. There are also lots of people who hang around Pinkboard who are willing to help (including me (Panther).
Before you go to a group, or whatever, you have to decide that you are coming out. This can be the hardest step, partly because we often do it totally alone. Just knowing that others have gone and are going through the same things often helps.

Feel free to ask questions or share your coming out experiences. If you have a longer story please email it to me (Panther).

The hardest thing about comming out, is getting use to loved ones accepting you for who your are and not who you do !
Paul - Sat Nov 22 14:54:14 1997

i love the bit after you have told your parents and they still insist that its a "phase" or your just experimenting
Josh - Sat Nov 22 23:16:41 1997

Coming out can be difficult, but living a lie is a far greater burden to bear. Social and legal advances for GLBTs will not succeed unless people are open and honest about their lives to those who already love them. Just Do It.
Iain - Mon Nov 24 18:41:15 1997

I have learnt to live quite happily in the closet. I come from a long line of closeteers; I just hope my son has the strength of character to be himself and not what society expect of him...
Tue Nov 25 5:07:04 1997

I'm in an annoying situation. I'm 21, I know I'm not straight, but I also think I'm not completely gay either, so I guess I'm whats called a bixesexual. I haven't told anybody about what I think I am, but I also think that I should not have to put a label on myself or other people either. Sometimes I think I'm almost gay, it just seems to vary depending upon whether I've seen some cute girls or some cute guys lately. Anybody have similar experiences? Just feeling a bit lonely. By the way I live in the Box Hill in Melbourne, if anybody is interested :)
Richard - Tue Nov 25 10:09:15 1997

I came out some time ago. I lost my son because i am now an embarassment to him. My wish is that I ought to have got through all the doubt stuff, like am I gay or not years ago and then I may not have hurt people who I love and have no wish to lie to. I couldn't make up my mind as to what I was. I liiked women and still do but i don't see them as a solution to my problem of being a gay male. It is more than unfair to women to expect them to shoulder the burden of our doubt. What provided a solution was that one day I was challenged by a counsellor to choose between the most beautiful woman i could think of and the most desirable man. i told my therapist that the woman would win and that was that. I couldn't sleep that night and at six AM I rang my therapist's office and left a message on her machine to say that I was wrong. What I really needed was a man, not only for sex but to provide me with emotional support that I just don't get from women. That does discount women, what it does do is free me from my desires to find in women the answers I think I needed to find in relation to my sexual identity. Bottom line, I am a gay male. I don't ask my wonderful women friends to prop me up any more and I am able to freely enjoy their company and support. I am also free to go and find for myself the best male company, that will supply the emotional support and identity that makes me feel fulfilled as a human being.
Ernie BB erniebb@sydney.DIALix.oz.au - Tue Nov 25 13:44:27 1997

I dont live happily in the closet. I imprison myself there. It safer. I also hope my sons have the courage to be whoever they want to be
ben - Tue Nov 25 18:46:49 1997

Richard: there are really two answers to the label question.

In a perfect world we wouldn't have to label ourselves or be labeled by others. Unfortunately we live in a world where people are often not accepted as people, but rather according to labels.

As we are growing up we try to find our place in the world. An easy way of doing this is by choosing labels that fit ourselves. So we can say that we are from whatever heritage, we are of whatever profession, etc. As we continue growing as an individual we realise that these are only labels of convenience which don't fully explain us or do us justice. We eventually choose to label ourselves "Larry", etc.
Panther (aka Larry) - Tue Nov 25 19:27:39 1997

Hi I am confused, women's asses turn me on and tits but I have found myself attracted to men also. I have homo erotic dreams somwtimes and they dont bother me anymore. I am 23 years old and I dont know whta is up. I would say I have 50 50 masuline and feminine qualities and I have found myself repressing my feminine qualities through out my teen years. I have no clue.
Thu Nov 27 18:46:07 1997

I am the wife of a gay man. We are not together now. I am reading everything I can to help me come to terms with what has happened. There is a whole new world out there, and I never knew what gay people had to deal with. At first I felt terrible, now I hope that I, as a heterosexual, can make life easier for gay people, and I can't believe how many people there are out there, gay people are all around me. It seems that my husband came out of the closet and I got in. I want to come out but even having a husband who deceived me is enough to keep me in. I feel like I've been made a fool of. Can anyone help with my problem of feeling lost in my grief for the loss of a husband, the man who was my best friend? He is happy now, and I am left feeling bewildered and alone.
Fri Nov 28 13:37:08 1997

Hi, I think there is a lot of courageous people out there. I'm currently a conveynor of Melbourne Bisexual Youth-for bi youth under 26-guys and girls. If you'd like info and a chance to talk more, email me at cmlawr@ugrad.unimelb.edu.au
Catherine - Fri Nov 28 14:35:48 1997

Dear Wife: There are support groups for partners of gay/bisexual men. If you are in Sydney contact ACON (See Pinkboard Community Groups Listings).

Grief is the normal reaction to any loss such as a death or the breakup of a relationship. The main thing you need is love and support to help you through your grief. The best is if you have friends who will give you a bit of time.
Panther - Sun Nov 30 10:56:28 1997

to richard in melbourne: i know exactly how you feel. i am a 20 yr. old female, in the states - va to be exact. anyway, i have been experiencing similar feelings. i agree that people shouldn't put labels on themselves or anyone else. to me, labels are like fences. there shouldn't be any fences, just open land. it is not about giving yourself a title. it is about loving without bounds. and to me, that is what being bisexual is. that may be just a silly comparison, but i believe it makes sense. for me this is a nice way to vent my emotions. i can't really talk to anyone around here. i haven't really come out yet. my parents would not understand, they would tell me it is just a phase. and it may be for all that matter. i don't know. that is just it, i don't know what i am or what i want. one minute i can be really into a girl and the next its a guy that is turning my head. there is really so much that i have to sort out. if you want you can e mail me sometime if you want to talk. my address is skcat@hotmail.com we can just chat about anything. i am interested in going to australia next year to study abroad, so maybe you could tell me a bit about the land down under. later!
skcat - Wed Dec 3 16:25:35 1997

Coming out is something that's never easy - no matter which way you look at it. My family was a deeply religious family & at the time I was involved in the church as well. When I finally got the courage to talk about my sexuality, the church literally outed me from the pulpit under the guise of a "prayer request". That was so disgusting for me that I actually got up & left. My family was a little less dramatical in the way they handled it. Basically my sister said that she already knew & that I shouldn't worry. I've got 4 brothers & only one of them still talk to me. The other ones all have their own "problems" as to why they don't talk to me. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't come out & that everyone accepted me like before. But, as a 27yo gay male, I feel that I would be denying myself who I am. I now have a very loving & caring guy, but he's in a similar situation to what I was. He lives in a very strict Egyptian family where his father would absolutely crucify him if he were to find out. Does anyone have any ideas? I've tried to assure my man that he doesn't need to come out till he is totally independant, but at the moment, it just seems like his family is trying to separate us. Drop me a line, I'd love to hear from anyone....
Pete - pentateuch@usa.net - Sun Dec 7 1:13:44 1997

Coming out isn't easy. It's the best!
Chris - Mon Dec 8 15:52:44 1997

I'm sure the one thing we all agree on is coming out is damn hard!! Some find it harder than others of course and I would just like to say that the best thing about being gay is even if your own family can't handle it there's another huge family out there who can, US!! I've had it easy, my family still love and support me and I love them right back but I've had countless friends who have not had it so easy and I really feel for them. For those of you who are confused, don't be, if you find yourself attracted to someone, whether they be male or female, the only thing wrong with it is societies reaction, they're the ones who need to get over it!! Feeling what you feel is about being yourself and understanding yourself and unless your actions directly hurt someone why should you feel bad? If everyone felt OK about following through with their feelings we'd live in a much happier world. So don't just agonise over it, do it!
Tue Dec 9 23:03:15 1997

I'm 21 and I feel like I'm clinging on to everything I've worked so hard to build. I am a respected person and I feel that I'll be giving that up by coming out. I hear the jokes my friends make everyday. I love and repsect them even though they are homophobic. I just can't let go of my life. (TernoZ@AOL.COM)
Ben - Thu Dec 11 18:15:53 1997

Ben At 21 you can choose a life. Perhaps an honest one where you dont perform to others expectations.Being not what you are is a hard and lonely place. Take care
ben - Thu Dec 11 22:46:27 1997

Well I came out to Mum a couple of weeks ago and I was pleasantly suprised!! She is the greatest and I'm so glad she accepts me for who I am :) To all those who haven't come out....it is hard! I have been thinking of this day for at least a year and I'm glad it went well :)
Craig - Sat Dec 13 4:31:59 1997

korn rulz
sasha - Sat Dec 13 11:56:03 1997

Sorry, but I don't see my sexuality as a big issue: I am who I am - no matter whom I sleep with: If someone questions my sexuality, I don't hide it - nor do I parade it: If I am in love with someone and I want to touch them in public (not sexually) I do - If people don't approve, it isn't my problem - it is theirs: My friends all accept me for the person I am - that is the most important thing - be open and honest and true: John
creamed@hotmail.com - Sat Dec 20 0:22:11 1997

I'm also one of those (fem) bisexuals who came out - my family doesn't seem to understand the idea of bisexuality - they think that since I AM attracted to males - why would I choose a female? I actually came out for a woman - the one I want to spend my life with - and I moved in with her so I guess it's a shock - I didn't mean to make it a shock but it seemed to be almost beyond my control. I'd hoped that as another female cousin had come out some years previously it would help - but old prejudices have been aired instead - they didn't like it then but didn't say anything. The other thing I have trouble dealing with is that my gf, one of two daughters (no sons), who are both gay, has a wonderfully loving and supportive mother - gives me hope and sadness at the same time. I know I should just wait for the - shock? grief? - to subside but I'm only 22 and too impatient. My mum reckons I'm too fat and should never have cut my hair short either - maybe things will never change...
Mona - (segopsed@hotmail.com) - Sat Dec 20 1:40:14 1997

I am 48 years old. You don't have to be 'gay',or 'straight'. I think the important thing is, when you do finally become attracted to one single person,(whatever their sex)...to treat them with respect,and to love them to the exclusion of all others. There is a woman in every man, and there is a man in every woman. Don't waste your time looking for things which don't exist. Try to find a suitable mate. Sometimes a very good friend is better than 'hot' sex.
bonzo - Sat Dec 20 13:49:01 1997

Creamed: I think it is great that you are so confident and brave that you can be so open about your sexuality. This is a difficult state to achieve for many people.
Panther - Sat Dec 20 18:14:12 1997

'Youth' is a horrifying process of self discovery!(...it wasn't easy for me,and I'm certain it hasn't gotten any less so for others out there)------I'm not brave.---I'm frightened and insecure.----but I know what's true for me.(....and in some egotistic-way,I believe it's true for everyone)-------'Society' wants me to believe-in certain things so 'they' will feel comfortable.They are insecure about 'their' sexual-identity.(...you have got to be 'gay',or 'straight',so that I don't have to deal with my own personal sexual problems)....does this really have to become 'my' problem???---Why can't I be who I am?(....my answer would be....yes,I can be who I am.----in reality,who else can I be???).....I'll be whoever you want me to be,for a little while.But I'm going to get pretty tired of that in 'short-order'!.....anyway,there are a lot of people out there who will accept you because you are a decent and caring/loving individual,and who could honestly 'give-a-rats-as-' about who you sleep with!(.....of course we all know about the 'moronic-out-spoken-minority' who wants to 'hang-us-all'!)
bonzo - Sun Dec 21 15:03:46 1997

It took me twenty five years to work up the courage within myself to say two words ... "I'm Gay". It wasn't easy but I did it and its an incredible feeling to know you beat the homophobes. I'm glad people were there to help when I needed them and I'm glad I finally let them in to help. A few times I almost stepped out and that would of been a real waste because I'm not the one with the problem. I'm gay ... so get over it you homophobes, what are you scared off.
sean@bri.net.au - Wed Dec 24 0:14:39 1997

Hi everyone, This is the biggest day off my life i'm about to tell my parents today.I feel sick and i'm so scared can i do it will i chicken out....I hope not i have been unhappy for a long time living a lie.I've slowly came out to my friends and work and so far it as been ok...But the family is the hardest i think because they are the ones you really care how they feel..for friends and work who really cares what they think.But my parents are so important to me i hope it goes ok......
Marcus(hrt@hotmail.com) - Fri Dec 26 11:22:34 1997

*Marcus
....try to realize,your parents will always love you. They might disagree with your 'life-style' and tell you that you are going to hell,and that you are 'pure-garbage' and that you have slept with satan,etc.,et al,,,but what they really mean is......It doesn't matter when all is said and done,.....they really do love you!(....I think humans have 'dog-genes' or something?.....you might want to contact the "human-genome-project" for further confirmation.)
Victor - Sun Dec 28 16:23:16 1997

Marcus: I remember the first time I decided to tell my parents. I was visiting for easter and decided it was a good time to tell them. Well Friday passed and I didn't manage to find a time. Saturday evening we were all sitting around in the loungeroom chatting. I kept saying to myself, this is the time, say it now, be brave, now is it. I was so nervous. I didn't manage to tell them then though. That happened a couple of years later. I wish you more success.
Panther - Sun Dec 28 18:03:20 1997

Hi Guys, Marcus here....a few days ago i put a massage on the wall that i was going to tell my parents i was gay.I chickened out on boxing day and went home and cried and cried the next day i had to work all i could think about was comming out....I got home and jumped on irc and talked to a friend and made my mind up it was time or i was going to go around the twist....So i rang my parents to make sure they were home and told them i need to talk to them about something....I was so scared at this point i knew there was no turning back now....Anyway i told them i cried alot and it went how i though it would not well...My dad things i'm dirt and he cant even look at me...The only reason he is being ok with me is because of my mum.It was a huge shock to them...So in time i hope everything will be ok...What do you guys think???????????
Marcus(hrt@hotmail.com) - Mon Dec 29 15:53:23 1997

Marcus - the most important thing in your life is to be true to yourself....you have taken a huge step in coming out to your parents....a huge and, it seems, quite painful step my friend....be proud of yourself for having such courage....stay strong and confident in the knowledge that who you are is a beautiful human being truly deserving of love and happiness...don't let pain destabilise your sense of self - as an individual who has gone through a journey of self discovery, you are too special for that.... I hope that you and all others contributing to this page find what they seek and live truly fulfilling lives blessed with love.... *xx*
Mon Dec 29 20:55:05 1997

I came out a year and a half ago to my Mum. She was great and said nothing I do surprises her anymore. Then my Dad about 2-3 mths after that and he was great too. (They are separated) Then Xmas last year I came out to the rest of my family which was probably a big mistake (I mean at xmas) but I really wanted my grlfrnd to be a part of xmas with my family. Anyway my grandmother/father and uncle nearly had a fit and disowned me for the last year. I probably wouldn't have had a problem with it so much except I have a son and he has missed out a lot on spending time with his great-grandparents whom he loves very much, also it is the hardest thing I've had to deal with, that kind of rejection from my grandparents. So this xmas was a big surprise when I went to my Mums and she asked me to go to my grandparents house because they were expecting me! I went and it was great (except for the tears) but they have finally come to terms with my life and asked me if I was happy and now that is enough for them. I suppose some people might think that them rejecting me and not talking to me for a year is a bit much but they are in their late 70's and I don't expect people that age to change their views overnight. What I am happy with is that I now have my family back on my terms and they finally realise that no matter what I'm doing sexually I'm still the same old gal. I guess when coming out to family you need to give them some time and not push too much and you really need to think about who they are and how they are going to react if you feel strongly about what they think about you and if you have strong ties with them because it can be devastating and you need a lot of support when and if your family suddenly dissappears.
Tue Dec 30 0:44:46 1997

Marcus: It is a trauma for us coming to terms with our sexuality, but it also is for our parents. With time they can usually come to terms with it. Show them that you are still the same person, that you still love them and that this is what is right for you.
Panther - Tue Dec 30 8:52:26 1997

Can anyone help? I am 15 years old and, last Christmas, I found out that my Dad is gay. Though I have nothing against gay people, it still came as a very rude shock to me. How did I find out? I happened to open a Christmas card from his lover of eight years -- it so happened they first met on Christmas 1988 so that card was also an eighth anniversary card. I know his boyfriend, he is almost like an uncle to me and my brother (Mum died after my brother was born ten years ago). The problem that I have now is how to deal with the fact that my dad and 'uncle' sleeps together? I love them both dearly and I will try not to get in their way. I am very proud of my Dad, having brought us up on his own since Mum died. How do I tell my best friend he is gay? By the way, 'Uncle' is also a neighbour.
Joshua - Wed Dec 31 13:45:43 1997

I�m a 54yo married guy who has only come out to himself, six mnths ago (if you can understand that). I have been reading some of the things guys write on pinkboard re coming out - I really admired Marcus� courage to come out to his parents but its just so damn sad, such hurt; I cried. It�s great to see so many offering support tho, thank god. There is also writing from a wife (Nov 29) trying to understand why her husband is gay and ofcourse feeling deceived. So that makes me feel really bad about my situation. We were talking the other night about the year and my wife said that it was a really good year for her ....I could only go as far as saying that I believed I had reached a late in life crisis point but reassuring she was not the cause of it and then escaping the issue.....and running thru my mind all the time are my gay feelings. I am two persons ? ? I havent got the courage to go the next step. I just feel so trapped, isolated, powerless, unhappy, destroyed - oh why now ? **tears**
Richard - Thu Jan 1 0:18:08 1998

**Tears**, It is hard to come to terms with being gay it took myself till i was 25 to come to terms with it.Don't get me wrong i have had man 2 man relationships before that but it made me feel sick because of what the world thinks.But i must say it must be so hard for you to tell your wife and come out...I know how hard it was for me.I still dont know what the out come will be from me coming out to my parents.I would like to thank panther for the great job he does.It help me heaps to see the messages people put on here for me in my time of need....once again thanks to everyone that left a message and panther
Marcus(hrt@hotmail.com.au) - Thu Jan 1 16:03:24 1998

I am 28 and now married for 5 years. When I was a teenager about 14, I had several gay sex encounters and had enjoyed it, thought it was fun. Feeling scared that I might become gay, I stopped having gay sex when I was 18 and spent most of the times chasing women and having sex with them. There was no problem as I enjoyed tremendously having sex with women. There are several times that I missed my gay encounters but I completely suppressed it. But now after 4 years of being married, the feeling of having sex with another man is getting stronger. I am very scared. Is it alright for a guy to have dual sexuality. I still enjoyed having sex with my wife but my desire to have sex with other guys is getting stronger, so strong that I had 5 occasions just very recently had sex with guys again after a long time and enjoyed it. I am embarassed to myself after this 5 new encounters but the feeling to have gay sex again is so strong that I started looking for answers to my confusion, that's why I am here at the net. Are there other people there who might have the same experience as myself? Please advise.
Mark - Fri Jan 2 11:30:27 1998

I have only recently come out, and this is after some time of trying to come to terms with being gay. I guess I was really supported and suprised by the fact that most openly gay guys told me to not tell anyone unless I was sure and that I should be comfortable with coming out. What made me come out was the fact I fell in love with a really great guy, and I respect him, and our relationship, too much to lie about the situation. I have taken the decision that I know who and what I am, and friends and family have to deal with this as well. Ultimately I haven't changed that much, and being gay and having a boyfirend I love is a 'non-negotiable'. But I guess it took me a while to think this through.
ade - Fri Jan 2 15:02:03 1998

Richard: Phone up your local Gay & Lesbian Counselling Service. This is a good first step in breaking down your isolation and may help you find courage to do what is right.
Panther - Sat Jan 3 8:08:55 1998

Mark: Enjoying sex with both men and women is normal. It is often referred to as being bisexual. Also men are generally more sexually active or even predatory than women. What you need to do is work out how to fit your bisexuality into your married life.
Panther - Sat Jan 3 8:14:33 1998

Joshua: I would suggest that your father is the best person to discuss these things with. Tell him what you have found out and how you feel about it all. Then discuss with him how it will affect your life.
Panther - Sat Jan 3 8:19:30 1998

*Richard* I understand what you are on about, as a 22 yo I have the same feelings as you and I'm not quite sure what I "may" be. I have both straight and gay feelings. I come from a very conservative background and subsequently am relatively conservative in my views, with the exception of gay and lesbian people. I hope you find the answer you are looking for, as I doubt whether I really will. Best of luck
D - Sun Jan 4 1:09:33 1998

I'm 17 and I just recently broke up with my first boyfriend. Now, not even three weeks later, I think I'm in love, though this time with a female. It's probably just a crush like many teenage girls get on a hot singer or movie star as I have never been able to get up the courage to talk to her. Now I am all confused as to whether I am just looking for someone or something to cling to after being hurt, or whether I'm gay or bisexual. I don't have a problem with it if I am, I just don't know. I've felt this way about other females before but I thought that I was just reading more into friendships than what was really there. Now I am taking a good look at my life and my friends and I don't really like what I see. I don't feel that I fit in and i want a complete change of style to my clothes, hair and general outlook on life. But all my friends think that I shouldn't do anything drastic and that I'm just being silly. Maybe I am, but I just saw that Sally was so happy and comfortable being the way she was and I think that maybe if I went more "feral" I might be closer to being the real me. Sally, if you ever read this, I do love you, even if it is only because you have given me the courage to make some long overdue changes in my life. I hope that if we ever meet, I can get up the courage to thank you. Until then, I think I'll have to crawl back into the safety net on my imagination where I can love whoever I want, and not be afraid to say how I feel.
Laura - Sun Jan 4 16:33:11 1998

Panther, you are wonderful. Your vision for this wall and the whole of pinkboard has obviously changed so many peoples lives. The world needs more people like you with the desire and motivation to help. Thankyou!
strangely at peace - Sun Jan 4 16:50:03 1998

I'm gay

no I'm not

I don't know.....................help
Fri Jan 9 22:34:35 1998

I don't know: You are the only one who can decide. Thinking about it is a good start, but you don't have to make that decision all at once. Try it out and see if you like it. Try being straight and bi too. Make friends with people of all sorts and see which last and which falter and which turn into romances. Let it happen and one day you'll wake up and realise, "yes, that't what I am". Above all, be yourself.
Panther - Sat Jan 10 10:05:13 1998

thankyou Panther, I will try that, and hopefully in the end I will know myself. I can only try.
D - Sun Jan 11 1:06:55 1998

I have come to the conclusion that I am bi but now, I feel as though I don't fit in anywhere. i can't say I'm straight and be 100% socially acceptable, nor can I say I am a lesbian. I feel that all those I meet and tell look upon me as someone who is either straight but wants to be gay or gay that wants to be straight.

After all the stress and heartache and all the other emotions that a person goes through to find themselves and also coming out with it, I don't know that it was worth it. All that has happened is I have been shunned by both sides of society.

Can anyone help me? Is this just somehng that I have to live with or have I yet to meet people that are in the same boat as me and/or can accept me for who and what I am?
Outcast - Mon Jan 12 19:50:02 1998

Outcast: Have a look at the Australian Bi's web site. Their address is in Pinkboard Community Groups listings. There might also be a support group listed in your state.
Panther - Mon Jan 12 20:01:57 1998

After reading all this graffitti I see that I am not alone in this coming out thing. I have been married and gone through the pain of separation. I now have a girlfriend who I love dearly but know our time is limited. I am gay, I have been slowly coming out for years when I think of it. I make all the jokes (directed at myself) I make it known I have gay friends. I stood up for gay rights which in my military position somehow did not seem right. I attend Mardi Gra (o.k that doesn't make you gay but it's a bloody good perve!!) The only thing I seem to lack is the courage to say I AM GAY. One other thing which is the best indication of my gayness is I love to have sex the m/m way. I love to hold a man. It has been confusing and will probaly get worse. I have a Outing deadline .Mardi Gra.I want to be gay and single at the Mardi Gra. I'll keep you all posted
Pete from Parra - Tue Jan 13 16:25:35 1998

outcast - I'm a 23yo bi grrl, and i know what you mean....basically all of my queer friends are gay, and a lot of people think I'm a lesbian...sometimes i let other lesbians believe that, because it's simpler and because i don't want to be ostracised. It makes me feel bad though, because i *know* Im bi, and i shouldn't have to pretend to be someone I'm not, just to make other peope comfortable. I've recently gotten involved with Melbourne Bi Youth, which has been really great - there *is* a bi community, you just have to find it! Being around other bi people helps to make you realise that you're not alone, you're not confused, that bisexuality is a real option, and not a phase, like straight and gay people often tell us... good luck!
darkgrrl - Sun Jan 18 16:57:47 1998

Hi I'm a 27 yo guy and only came out to myself mid 1997. I had planned to tell some of my family (Mum and brothers). Thinsg didnt go exactly as planned. I came out to one of my brothers just in the course of a conversation and was most pleasantly surprised at his reaction. My mum and stepfather (who I thought would beat me to a pulp and never allow me to visit again) found out after I had tried to suicide for the fifth time, thinking I couldn't live a lie nor lose all my friends and my career. Boy was I surprised. It was like Mum had always known but didnt want to push me to talk about it. In a way I wish now I had spoken to her sooner about the way I was feeling. It would have saved me and mum a lot of grief. I have now told my other brother and it too was unplanned. I just picked the right moment and called him and his wife and told them. The end result is that we are a much closer family and I now realise the my siblings also have their own problems too and that its ok to talk about these things openly. I do hope this helps others, although I have friends who have been expelled from home for the same. Now I have met a wonderful friend and we are working on a relationship together, so my next 'announcement' will more than likely come soon, but I know that I can talk to them about it. Thanks
Cam - Mon Jan 19 19:29:16 1998

outcast - youre not robinson crusoe:) - hundreds like you who wonder if the world has a place? of course it does. write me: ade53@usa.net
adrian - Sat Jan 24 3:43:34 1998

After lots of help from Panther and a few others, I came out today to my wife (Im the 54yo guy back above on 1 Jan 98). Although I had prepared for the worst, the story ends with an amazing 'twist' with my wife coming out that she is 'bi' - amazing but great. I am free now to be who I really am. It was worth it ! Accolades to Panther and Pinkboard for such a great support facility - without it I would probably have never found my freedom.
Richard - Mon Jan 26 0:50:44 1998

whoa!!! I'm starting to falter on this coming out thing. I don't want to go through the rest of my life living a lie. I have up until now partly because of my background and lets face face it I don't have the courage. I am scared of hurting my female partner who suffered for/with me through my divorce. But in hindsight that marriage was failed anyway due to my wandering penis always trying to find another one just like him. My current relationship is suffering from the same syptoms,That penis distracts me like crazy(so do other ones).Anyway it's not working so I have declared to myself and a couple of friends I am gay.Why I declared it to the hundreds that read here. I need to get out of this situation.Check out my ad in the classifieds,accom(key word RAAF,26th Jan) see if you can help. Mardi Gra is ready for me, I got to be ready for it!!!!
Pete from Parra - Wed Jan 28 12:48:49 1998

I am a 17 year old male, and I realised that I am gay about two years ago! I was thinking of coming out recently, but I just didn't have the courage to do so, even though I know that most of my family and friends would support me and still love me greatly. I think it is important to find out how your family and friends feel about homosexuality before you come out to them. I did, and I know that they would still love me. However, it is still hard for me to come out. I think if you are close to your family and friends, and you love each other, then they will love you no matter what! Good Luck to all of you guys and girls who want to come out.
Gay Guy in Parramatta - Fri Jan 30 16:30:31 1998

Hi everyone, Todays my day !! Where does one start, in an everchanging world ! I (say unfortunatly ) as one friend described it, have changed. I am married, but now only love my wife as a friend, as my attraction is now no longer with her. I know that this is not a phase, as it has been with me for atleast 3 years. I have never played around while married and am still faithfull. I am about to anounce my Gayness " if there is such a word " because i still love her and that i feel i should not continue our life this way. I know that i will loose most of my friends as they are very homophobic and family, well id better not mention them as they belive in M21's. Thinking while wrighting this, and what i will give up for not my happiness, but my wifes, seem so trivial as she is just an inocent bystander, my ony hope is that she understands what has happened and that we can still be friends, as really, i am still the same person she has known for the last 10 years. I dont have leprosy or any catchy disease or a negative infuance on our childrens upbringing. I have been droping hints, and i think that she has picked up on them, that should make the shock of the truth, lighter. But here goes, as i log off and enter the world of the unknown. O' and to Mark, ur not alone mate, it happens. sm@hotmail.com.au
Steve - Sat Jan 31 10:16:48 1998

Hi, sorry , incorrect email above should be sm90@hotmail.com anyone interested in talking about anything, please email me, Have a good ear,,, Ceya. Steve
Sat Jan 31 10:53:52 1998

It makes me proud to read the courage on this wall...all i need now is to absorb some of it.I turn 44 this Thursday,and came out 30 years ago.i have been comfortable in my life as a gay man ever since.About 16 months ago I was assaulted by three very ugly brutes and infected with HIV.Now i find myself having to "come out" about something else all over again.So far,two close frinds have been supportive, and two others have cut all ties with me..too difficult to cope with me I guess..what happens if i tell my family ???? i couldn't bear to lose any of them...it's a tough time folks !!
Kev - Tue Feb 3 8:52:03 1998

How do you know when and who to tell???
Wed Feb 4 13:45:02 1998

To Richard (Jan 26) and others in a similar position: There is a support organisation for men who are married or in a heterosexual relationship but who are attracted to other men. Check out our web site at http://www.gamma.queer.org.au If you live in NSW, you can call for free on 1-800-804-617 (weeknights between 6pm and 10pm)
Pete - Wed Feb 4 16:10:38 1998

When and who to tell: It should be totally your choice who and when you tell people. You tell people because you want to or feel that you need to. It may be because you want to them to know the truth. Or maybe because you don't want to live a double life or a life of lies. Or because you want to introduce your partner. Or for any number of other reasons.
Panther - Wed Feb 4 19:09:58 1998

Mona here again (Dec 20), have not been having fun recently with this bloody Mardi Gras and gay this and lesbian that everywhere - I can't deal with it... I don't want to be compulsorily involved - it's not the be all and end all. It's not my scene but my partner is very out and this is her life and I can't deal with it. Why couldn't I be gay? Why do I have to be 'bisexual' (I've grown to hate that label), why couldn't I have figured out I was gay when I was a teen and be done with it? This duality thing only confuses things, I don't feel I belong anywhere... I don't talk to my parents much anymore and found that in gaining a partner I lost the few friends I had. I can't talk to my gf because she doesn't understand how I feel. I thought coming out was supposed to feel better but I just feel worse. Even the mailing lists I have joined for discussion don't lead anywhere - I talk about 'issues' but still it's not enough. So much pressure I have put on myself (newly unemployed, just come out, just moved in with partner etc..) and I'm not coping very well. It seems all I do these days is cry and be objectionable - when I used to be the calm one.
Mona (segopsed@hotmail.com) - Sat Feb 7 3:08:18 1998

Mona: It sounds as if you are going through a bad time at the moment. I suggest that you find someone that you can talk to. It could be one of the friends you thought you had lost, it could be someone from a Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service or a Bisexual support group, or maybe even a professional counsellor. You seem to have a lot of issues and need to work through them with someone sympathetic.
Panther - Sat Feb 7 8:37:07 1998

Hi, I've been trying to come out for the past couple of years but there has always been something standing in the way. At the moment I'm a high school teacher in Griffith (NSW), so it makes extremly difficult. (Moving is out the question because it's the first stable job that I have had, have been a casual teacher and don't want to go back to that). Anyway my problem is this, what is the use of coming out when there is nothing here. Supposedly there is a gay group here but it has eluded me on all occassions. Sometimes I wish I was straight and then everything will be ok, but I'm not. I'm sick of waking up everyday and having to face the fact that I'm gay, and because of that I'm socially isolated. So my question is this, has anyone had any similar experiences? What can I do?
Trent (Frosti@bigpond.com) - Sat Feb 7 23:13:37 1998

Trent: There is a group called Country Network (see Pinkboard Community Listings) especially for people in your position. Try getting in contact with them.
Panther - Sun Feb 8 7:51:05 1998

Well the last time I was here I asked when and who to tell. I know now that the right time for me was when I was asked!! I don't want my sexuality to be the focus of my friendships but I figure if people are brave enough to ask I am brave enough to answer.
Mon Feb 9 21:32:40 1998

Well, the last time I was here I asked when and who to tell. I know now that the right time for me was when I was asked!! I don't want my sexuality to be the focus of my friendships but I figure if people are brave enough to ask I am brave enough to answer.
Mon Feb 9 21:33:19 1998

When to tell: If this works for you then do it.
Panther - Tue Feb 10 9:11:21 1998

I have met the nicest straight married men,or unmarried ones who could do everythng a gay men does in bed, just as I found gaymen who could do perfectly what straightmen do in bed, or out of it. SO everyone should just quit worrying about labels and definitions. Life's diversity is to experienced, man-made role distributions are just as they are, man-made and belong only in the world of language,and for purpose of social organization, and procreation, in the end, Men ; straight or gay does what they do best- Love( as verb of action )....recreationally and spiritually. I am grateful to have met them all, as I do still do. HAppy Mardi Gras celebrations.
OtokoSan - Tue Feb 10 11:21:48 1998

Everybody Congratulate Me!!!

Why? Coz I did it. I was talking to a friend on ICQ and I got bored so I just came out and told her I am bi and she was really cool about it and she said she'll give me a big hug next time I see her. Me is happy now.

Then I was on the phone to another friend and I felt confident so I told her too and she said it didn't surprise her and that she kinda suspected it. She also confirmed that another girl I know is bi whch is good because it means my gaydar/bidar is functional.

I'm all happy now and I can't sit still. I just want to jump around and sing but I can't because I have h/w to do and I lost my voice (I'm getting it back). Oh well, it be back soon enuff and then I am going to jump over the moon just coz I can.
Laura - Thu Feb 12 23:58:02 1998

To everyone who is alone this Valentines day a thought of Leo Tolstoy-"In our fear to make an effort to tear ourselves away from the conditions which ruin us, only because the future is not quite certain to us, we resemble the passengers of a sinking ship, who, for fear of stepping into a boat which is to take them to shore,retreat to their cabins and refuse to come out for them..."
Jazz - Sat Feb 14 15:30:12 1998

Laura - Congratulations and lots of hugs, your joy is a pleasure to see.
Matt - Sat Feb 21 3:19:48 1998

Hi my name is Kate and i would just like to say that i am a Lesbian!....and that feels so great to be able to say...i have being denying it for so long...denile just ain't a river in egypt ya know...hehe...anyway yes i am gay and proud!...see you all at Mardi Gras
Kate - Mon Feb 23 0:25:18 1998

I do not know if this is the proper forum but I'll say it anyway. I just finished reading the book 'My Child is Gay' and I want to recommend it to everyone: parents, kids, out, in the closet, queer, bigot, Christian, whatever.... This book is so good and I have no doubt it will become of one the 'must-read' book in the gay and straight communities. By the way, I am a father with two gay sons. Am I lucky or what?
Allan - Tue Feb 24 13:42:35 1998

HI...is there anywhere in melbourne one can ring to talk over my problems with. I am 27 happily married for 5 years. When I was a teenager I had gay sex. I have always been attracted to guys, but the feelings are so strong now that I had an encounter with a guy recently. The guilt is so bad now..I have cheated...I never ever want to hurt my family. I want to tell my wife...but would she understand...I think not.....closet..bi unhappy..please help J
Wed Feb 25 10:12:50 1998

Phone the Gay & Lesbian Switchboard. Details are in Pinkboard's Community Groups Listing.
Panther - Wed Feb 25 19:17:53 1998

Richard and Pete from Parra..hey we're all in the same boat...maybe I'm a little further down the track! Realised I was gay, told my absolurely fantastic wife of 25 years of my 'gaynesss' ,went throught the denial, the tears...met a wonderful guy 20 years younger..can you believe that! he's at mardi Gras tonight but I am still at home but working at a very amicable solution. So let's make a pact..contact Gamma..let's march in '99 with that great bunch of guys who have married maybe had kids and found their way supporting their partners through a dreadful experience for them ..and us...but essentially have accepted honesty as the only way for self respect...and is'nt that the basic issue. Just read a wonderful book by the professor of psychiatry at Cornell Univ called 'Becoming Gay"..really recommend it for any gay married guy grappling with this issue. It is one hell of a tunnel which in truth seems to be about 2 years long...that is if mutual respect is to be maintained. Wives are fantastic people , they have supported us and now we must support them and take time...time is the solution...good luck guys and see you in '99. I want to march. Hopefully the gamma group will let me join them..I guess I can only ask.!!
Niceguy (see May 1997] - Sun Mar 1 2:15:44 1998

Comming out is one of the hardest things a person can do at any age. The fear of losing the love and respect of family and friends can be all too much for a person to bear. In my case although I am not out to all the members in my family. My two sisters that know are very supportive. My oldest sister (who found out when she decided to go on a cleaning spree when she was staying at my house, found some magazines. Upon finding the magazines she forgot about the cleaning and layed down on my bed and started reading them.) thinks it is great having a gay brother and has even admitted that she has had some female companions. After all the bending of the truth on where I was when I had gone looking for sex, it is finally good to talk to someone in the family that won't make me feel guilty about what I am. I feel I have been very lucky in that respect, but I also feel other members of my family may not be as understanding if they find out. So the one thing I might suggest to those that are thinking of comming out is try and gage what others think about homosexual people, for it is the ones that are comfortable with it that will provide an easy testing ground for when you tackle the harder people (normally your parents).
russ - Sun Mar 1 16:09:10 1998

hi i live in rural w.a. and can't find anyone to talk to as am new to this and like to talk to someone
Sun Mar 1 17:41:06 1998

I had a FAB time at Mardi, the first one with the girlfriend. Next day, had to listen to my fathers nasty remarks, now she's coming to live with me, surely they know. Should I tell them? Coming out is easy with friends but parents. Especially my parents. Do I tell them? What if the girlfriend and I don't work out, what if my mum and dad disown me?
Sat Mar 7 22:51:42 1998

Hi, I am a shy guy who had liked a guy in my class for 4 years, and never confessed to him or told anyone that I am gay. Over the year I had tried to get close to him by doing allot of things he does and just be with him. But I had never shown any too obvious signs that I was gay to him, since I am not sure if he was gay and I don't really want other friends to know. At times I really feel that he was gay, but sometimes he just seems to be not gay at all. So I would start to wonder if he was just playing around when I felt that he was gay, or was he just hidding his gayness to others like I do. This had been troubling me till now, and I am in my senior years. After this year it would be harder for me to see him as we'll be at different uni and so on, so I really want someone to help me here! Like have anyone got any tricks or test to test if someone was gay or not etc.. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Alex - Sun Mar 8 3:50:44 1998

Rural WA, where are you. I just left Kalgoorlie for Melbourne 5 months ago. If you want to make contact pls do at why4inhell@hotmail.com
Adam - Mon Mar 9 1:38:06 1998

Rural WA: Have a go at IRC.
Panther - Mon Mar 9 8:41:37 1998

Fab Time: You are worrying about what happens if things go wrong. Sit down and have a good think about what is the worst that can happen, and what is the best in each case. Then have a think about how you would cope with these. Have a talk about the concerns with your girlfriend, or a friend, or your local gay and lesbian counselling service. Then you should be a bit better placed to make some decisions.
Panther - Mon Mar 9 8:51:16 1998

Alex: I think you need to have a good talk about this to someone. How about phoning your local gay and lesbian counselling service.
Panther - Mon Mar 9 8:52:43 1998

I have been president of Pride in Western Australia, which has the second biggest parade and party outside of Sydney (yes, we beat Melbourne hands down). Sometimes it's really disheartening when the community does nothing but bitch and complain. In the end why do I do it? Reading this board is why. If Pride can make one person see that you can be gay or lesbian and happy, that coming out doesn't mean a sad and lonely life, then I feel a great deal of satisfaction at what our organisation can achieve. To everyone on this baord - keep telling your stories. They are corageous and important. More than that they also feed back into the established community, and seeing your courage makes so many more of us want to take up the battle again and fight for our equality.
David - Thu Mar 12 1:51:18 1998

I have just returned from USA so I have just read through some old comments on this wall - they're Great. Kev Tues. Feb 3 8:52 Please contact me! J Melb Wed. Feb 25 If you haven't found someone to chat with call me. (03) 9312 0436 Dennis giljon@hotmail.com
Dennis - Thu Mar 12 18:58:39 1998

I first came out about 18 months ago now, and I'm 21 now. I originally came out to my best friend who is straight, but I was really scared about it - but he was so supportive!! He gave me a big hug and said that it didn't change who I was, and at the time we were planning to go on a 2 week camping trip on a week's time, and he was even more determined than before to get me away from things. :-)
shane - Thu Mar 12 19:10:15 1998

Ill see you at Pride this year
Melbourne (ex WA) - Thu Mar 12 20:35:13 1998

Comming out is just as traumatic for your family and friends as it is for you - because it puts them in the closet - they now have to face and decide how and who they can now talk with about You. Most non-supportive reactions are just (the person you have come out to) that person saying "I don't want to be put in the closet, I don't want to have to make all those hard decisions, it may embarrass me a lot". Help them understand that the homosexual lifestyle is: We still go to work; We also shop for our groceries; We also buy "take away"; and go to the movies; We also do our laundry and watch TV. The Straight and Gay Agenda seem to be the same: - Meet Someone. - Fall in Love. - Make a committment (get married). - Be Happy
DG - Sun Mar 15 11:05:21 1998

DG, they are very interesting comments. Not every coming out is met with "don't put me in the closet". There are in-fact some very very positive reactions to coming out. When I announced my sexuality, my family responded with something like "tell us something we really need to worry about, we still love you & you haven't changed.

Perhaps it's more a comfort level & being able to be comfortable telling others. We don't necessarily have to help them understand, but we should try to demonstrate to them, so that they can see clearly. You're right, we're not strange mutants from another galaxy, we're the very same people they were speaking to before we announced our sexual preference.
Pete - Mon Mar 16 1:28:10 1998

I came out to my two best friends a few years ago now. The build up to the big day and the actual process of sitting them down and saying "I'm gay" made me feel physically sick. I was worried that I would lose two of the people in my life that mattered the most. I had to tell them though, I couldn't stay in the closet any longer, I felt like I was going to explode or go insane. The best part of coming out for me was that it bothered no-one. They all took it in their stride and think that I was very brave for taking such a big step on my own. I cried for days after I told them as it made me realise that they still love me and that I was very fortunate to have such caring friends and family.
Adrian - Mon Mar 16 22:34:13 1998

I am married with a child. I love them and they mean the world to me....but....I think my phantasy life is gay. Taking a step is hard. moving towards what is is hard. Its not as easy to came out when you risk losing everything that means so much to you. I like to think of myself as a straight man whose phantasies are those of other men. It is hard and for me scary. Newcastle as a place is too small. It is hard.
chris - Tue Mar 17 11:31:06 1998

Pete thanks for your comments. I would like to share a friends comming out story, it is humerous and not common: After being in a relationship for several years J decided to come out to his family; their reaction was: "We know, we just thought you didn't want to talk about it"
DG - Tue Mar 17 18:02:38 1998

I'm a gay 19 yo guy in Perth who does not know what to do. I am sick of living my life as a lie to my family yet I constantly worry about it and its starting to affect my life too much. I have come out to nearly all my friends, all of who have been totally supportive and not cared in the least I was gay. In fact, since coming out I have gained some of the best friends anyone could hope to have... now the parents. I am thinking of telling them after I move out of home yet they are suspicious of me as they think I am 'hiding' something from them which I am.. Can anyone offer me any suggestions?
AT at19@usa.net - Tue Mar 17 23:09:29 1998

Reading all of your messages gives me (to a certain extent) a lot more confidence, and makes me think even more seriously about telling my folks. I don't worry that they will disown me, or tell me where I went wrong or anything, I just don't think I am ready to share this part of me with them. Last year I told a friend for the first time that I am gay and had a mixed, but good reaction. Depending on my mood at the time I either want to just let it rip and tell all, or just want to keep it all hidden. I'm not going crazy but just know that unless I come clean with myself I won't be able to with others. It's times like this I wish, I really wish I had more gay friends, friends who could understand what I am trying to say...it is the stuff that goes unsaid that kills me. All I come up with is the ideal that "I just want to be happy" what is stopping me from getting over this obstacle?
Max 24yo Aussie guy living OS - Wed Mar 18 1:42:10 1998

J in Melbourne. I have had a similar experience to you. I am 36 and have been married for 8 yrs. Like you I had intimate contact with another guy in my teens. Since then I have lived a straight lifestyle, only thinking about being with other guys. I had managed to supress these urges until having a few drinks with a mate when he got a little friendly(not-sexual but a lot of intimate contact). This has happened 3 times when getting drunk together. He says the next day he cant remember what happened the night before. Now my feelings for him are so strong and his denial is tearing me apart. Not to mention how I feel that I have cheated on my wife. I to want to tell my wife but do not know how she will react. I also do not want to loose my mates friendship for misinterpreting purely friendly acts. If you or anyone in a similar situation would like to chat email me at ca36@.hotmail.com
chrisA - Wed Mar 18 2:47:19 1998

AT and Max: Coming out to your parents is probably the hardest thing for many people. This is because there are more issues involved than coming out to friends: If you live at home then you might be chucked out. If you rely on them financially they might cut that off. We have a very special relationship with our parents which coming out can put at risk. Talk to your friends or a counselling service about these issues before you decide.
Panther - Wed Mar 18 8:55:20 1998

Just to give you some hope, I had a very positive experience with my parents. Once over the initial shock, my parents now treat me no different to how they have all along. The love me unconditionally, and treat my partner as just that. I also get on very well with my Mother-in-Law, probably better than she does with my partner. Have hope, if your parents love you they love you. You may say this is easy for me to say, and yes it is, but I found that until I came out, I was both emotionally and physically unwell for many years. Now my theory is I am who I am, regardless of my sexual orientation, if people don't like me, I am aware that it may not be because of my orientation. I also have a personality. To me, my sexual orientation is not an issue. When meeting new people, I don't feel I have to tell them unless they ask. Do you ask other people of their sexual orientation when you meet them? No, well, why should you have to tell anyone unless they ask. I work in the health industry, and when asked if I am married, I say no, because I am not. If asked if I have a girlfriend, I say no, because I don't. If asked if I have a partner, I say yes, because I do. If people want more clarification than that, they have to ask. I see myself in a relationship, the same as anyone else in one, I have a significant other, who is in my will, as I in his, and a benefactor of life insurance. I am proud of who I am (and happy within myself), if others don't know, they can ask and I will tell, but I don't see heterosexual couples saying "Yes I'm straight". Happiness comes from within. Who cares what other people think of you. I don't. With this philosophy, I still have many straight friends, many gay friends, all whom I care for and they for me.
Be happy first. - Sat Mar 21 10:46:04 1998

I think that the best thing we can do for ourselves as people dealing with our sexuality or coming out is to talk to friends. I am hardly old and worldly, but i came out to my friends over the last few months and i can't believe how much better i feel. A couple of them have gone a bit strange around me, but who cares because if they are that pathetic who wants them anyway. I found enough true friends through this experience that i am confident that I can cope with the occasional person that can't deal with it. I expected(being only 17) that most of my friends would freak, but how wrong could i be. After all you pick your friends, and most likely the ones you pick are the type of people you think you can talk to and share with. I still haven't come out to my parents, and that's still going to be hard, but i have people around me that i can talk to about things, and most of all i don't have to explain why i don't have a boyfriend to. A few months ago i was writing a message on Pinkboard wondering how i was ever going to deal with everything, but now i am over one hurdle. O.K realistically not everyone will be as lucky as me, support wise but it is too hard to deal with completely on your own. At least at the end of it you know that the people you have left care for you regardless. Jazz
Jazz_28@hotmail.com - Mon Mar 23 11:30:27 1998

Jazz, you may be 'only 17', but your words are wise. It's so important to share the essence of our being with trusted friends and family. Our sexual orientation is only a part of our make-up, but it's an important part, and one of the ways in which we get to know and understand ourselves better is to express our deepest emotions and feelings with others. To those still coming to terms with being gay and coming out - hang in there!! Society can make it a hard ride even with today's wider acceptance, but know that there are heaps of us out there who go through it with you, and who have shared your fears and loneliness. Ultimately, happiness comes in realising your great worth as being just who you are and what you are. Talk to those you love. If they're worthy of your love, they'll accept and love you even more for your honesty and courage (yes, easier said than done, but believe me, it works). If you want to tell your family (and I know how hard that one was!!!), there's some great books which both you and they could read (for example, "My Child is Gay", by Bryce McDougall - just recently published and should be in most book stores). Most of all, love and respect yourself. The rest follows if you do.
Nev of Melbourne - Tue Mar 24 22:34:47 1998

I agonised over the whole coming out experience from about 18 to 20. I experimented with the gay community, making visits to the city in the early hours of the morning or straying from my straight friends at 2am in George Street drawn like a magnet towards Oxford street. I found inner feelings dictated that I was gay but when I looked around Oxford street, the clubs, pubs the men, I simply didn't fit in. I didn't talk like a queen, didn't walk like a fag, didn't dress like a poof, but I knew that I didn't fit in with the straights, I was in limbo for a while. (Looking back I wished someone had taken me along to fairday to see how diverse the gay community is and see that there is a place for everyone, acceptance for all) When I was in my most private moments ie having solo sex it was always men I fantasised about, men who aroused me, never women and it was just a matter of time before I was to come out, I was not going to live a double life or a burdened life but I was going to be true to my nature. Whilst it is a different experience for everyone, I found it a helluva lot easier that what I imagined and so liberating. First I came out to a close friend, someone I could trust that wasn't necessarily in my close circle of friends, a girl that had lived in the city and was not ignorant to the diversity of gay life, then one by one I came out to the rest of my friends and family. Family is the hardest but for me and hopefully you, it is a situation of unconditional love. It is and should be a gradual process that gets easier once you make the first step, but a word of advice that was given to me is 'to give people the benfit of the doubt' ie have faith that those who love you are wise enough to understand and will love you regardless.
Ryan - Fri Mar 27 12:28:43 1998

I'm a positive guy, and i don't know what other people (pos or neg) think, but i think a grafitti wall for pos people might be worth a try
Fri Mar 27 20:32:42 1998

Hi it's me Max again ... I've read all that has been posted both before I wrote and also after. It makes me smile to hear everyone's success stories and all, but it still makes me wonder. I leave Australia again tomorrow morning, and still I have not told my family. I managed to tell one of my sisters and all went well but my parents ... well I didn't get that far. I don't know, but I just couldn't tell them. I saw their happy faces when I was talking with them and I just didn't want to spoil it all by coming out to them. Although at the same time I don't feel that saying "I'm gay" would spoil anything, it makes me happy. So I just don't know if it is right to keep going without telling my folks? This is what I want to ask you all? I am sure most of you will say "in your own time" but I don't know, I guess I am just fishing for advice. I love to read all of your success stories and all and it gives me strength, but please tell me, what do I say to them? I just want to be happy... Max - 24yo Australian guy living o/s
Max - Sun Mar 29 23:26:44 1998

I am a very young slightly confused bisexual 40 year old who has just in the last week met and been out with a beautiful intelligent sensitive and complex guy who is only 21. Despite this young age he is far more mature than most 21 year olds and definately anyone I knew at that age. He makes me flush with excitement and its not just a sexual thing. I have a yearning desire like most of us do, to tell close friends and family about things but its so damm hard so I resort to letting off steam with my hairdresser and beauty therapist. I seem to enjoy this clandestine affair scenario doing something unpopular in the eyes of the majority world we live in. This seems to help with that overwhelming desire to tell all. I wish I could come out but I know the consequences and it would be more painfull for me to do that. So whichever way I choose I suffer like most of us do. Good luck to the rest of you. PS - MG really went off for us this year.
JAG - Thu Apr 2 17:38:16 1998

Coming out at 13 was a breeze compared to coming out to myself as a Stonebutch. This is hard, but to be able to look in the mirror and like that person is worth the effort.
Cowboy - Sat Apr 4 12:35:44 1998

Hey, guys and gals out there. I've been reading your messages, and I want to say to you all that you are wonderful people. Don't let anyone ever tell you any differently. I just came out three days ago as a lesbian, and my sister and friends actually said they knew all along! But the difficult thing will be telling my parents. They've known I thought I was bi, but now that I know and am dating a wonderful woman (grin), it's going to be a shock to them. But they'll get over it. I think they'd be more afraid if I didn't come to them and did something dangerous, like unprotected sex. Remember--our parents made us out of love. Any possible harm to us will frighten them very deeply; in today's society with AIDS rampant, we must all be careful. Luck and lambda love to you all.
Katy - Mon Apr 6 9:36:10 1998

G'day, i'm a 26yo girl from Brisbane (not my choice of town!) and i'm still in the closet. It's strange to say that i've known since i was 5 or 6 that i am attracted to women, but as yet i've been too chicken to do anything about it! upon reading this graffiti my heart is filled with joy (and trepidation - it's hard to quell one's fears!!) and positiveness, making me want to run down the street telling everyone that i'm gay. Actually i think my mother already knows! anyway, thankyou all for the inspiration, and if there's anyone out there in brizzy who'd like to talk leave a message and i'll get back to you.
E.T. - Mon Apr 6 21:40:02 1998

Well i have a message for all the grrls/guys who are coming out.. no matter wot people say or do to you, always believe there is nothing wrong with loving the same sex.. For years i was bashed and harassed, for being an out lesbian.. And that was wrong, never give up hope and remember there are lots and lots of people out there to help you if needed!!!
CyberPuss - Tue Apr 7 21:10:36 1998

hey E.T mon apr 6th i don't live in brizzy, but visit often.. i've just found this site.. and isnt it just the best.. maybe we could exchange some stories or chat about gay issues.. i'm 23, looking to meet lesbians from bris..
CyberPuss - Tue Apr 7 21:17:01 1998

Hi there. I need some advice if anyone can help me. I have recently come out to my parents and my best friend. All are pretty cool about it, my Father is a bit disappointed in me, but maybe he'll change his opinion of me, I hope he does.. but what I want to know is, can anyone suggest how to tell the rest of my friends. Most are kind of what you'd call "red-necked" but I'm sick of living the lie around them.. I want to have ONE life instead of having to lead two seperate ones. I have ended up seeing them less and less of late, not intentionally, but I think its because I don't feel 100% comfortable around them anymore. Is it worth telling them? Im only 22 and they're my good friends, you know the ones- that carry across from school life into adult life. I don't want to lose them just because I have a fairly new "base" of gay friends.
Gibson - Wed Apr 8 15:07:41 1998

Gibson.. i reckon you should tell only the people that matter to you,( friends, family) and this will decide for you who your real friends are!! The real friends are the ones who will say ' your gay so wot" or if your real lucky " hey sister, so am i ".. lol well all the best for when you tell them, remember the real friends you'll know as soon as you tell them..
CyberPuss - Wed Apr 8 20:13:06 1998

Gibson: Another thing to try is to slowly introduce your two groups of friends to each other. Make sure it is in social settings where they can get to know each other as people, not any particular sexuality. They should then discover that we are just normal people after all.
Panther - Wed Apr 8 22:32:36 1998

I knew from the childhood that something is different with me.I always liked guys more than the girls. Since I brought up in India I could not dare to discuss this with my parents. Now I am married and love my wife very much. I still enjoy my sexual life with my wife. But my attraction to other guys still there. So far I had couple of sexual encounters with other guys. This feeling I can not control. Also now I can not discuss this with my wife. I am confused. Anybody out there with my probelm.
gtr60@hotmail.com - Thu Apr 9 15:08:43 1998

Help!!!! I am totally at loss! I can't think of what to do at all..as far as coming out and all. The main problem is with my parents, which is a problem that goes farther back than telling them I'm a lesbian. They don't seem to hear a word I say... they don't even acknowledge my existance at all... I don't even think they want to... but I am so tired of not being seen or heard by them. I am 21 yrs old, and when i was young and up until I was 19, I was raised by my gran who died of cancer. I then went to live with my parents and they don't know me at all. I came out to my gran and she just laughed at me for how worked up about it I was! She also didn't believe me... going on the fact that I had a boyfriend before. *sigh* oh well, she was a great, understanding woman! But now, at home with mum and dad, it's different. Everything is going really wrong. I have the suspision that my parents know, they have asked me before when I was still in school, why I had so many literature on homosexuality and lesbian sex...I keep telling them that I have to do research for a report in english/biology/physical ed...etc.. they must think something if I'v been doing the same bloody report for 3 years! The other problem is that I have a boyfriend right now..I love him more than anything, and he knows of my feelings for woman, I don't keep things from him, but somehow I can't leave him... right now he's the only friend I'v got and I am so afraid of losing him...he would be crushed. I know that he wouldn't talk to me, and he would move away when I tell him... his parents are moving and he would go with them...but I am denying my self my own rights and freedoms...I really wish that I was dead sometimes...sorry ack! I don't want to put a gloom on this otherwise confident and happy page... But, these are my feelings. I get so down all the time. But another side of me is so confident! I'v had numerous girlfriends who have been great! Some not so great...but hey! who hasn't experienced that!? I also volunteer for the gay/les/youth group in my city. Go to all the social events and support the pride days. But my other completely afraid, shaking, sweating, crying, worrying side of me is just about reading to rub myself out. I need to break free of this, but I am so afraid. Please help me anyone! Anyone who might relate...
Cub - Thu Apr 9 17:20:01 1998

Ack! I am so sorry! I hand't clue I wrote that much, it seemed much smaller on the little comment box... soz
Cub - Thu Apr 9 17:47:35 1998

To cyperpuss of 7th apr, thanks for your message, check out the message for you in the visitors book. Look forward to hearing from you.
e.t. - Fri Apr 10 10:57:07 1998

close my eyes and bow my head too much terror ahead walk the straight line of loathing sometimes I'd rather be dead drown myself in alcohol to kill the pain fear and hatred my back against the wall so cry for me a hundred roses drenched in blood and tears If I ever live I gotta give to others just like me. A sort of poem I wrote in the past to help me get through the mass confusion, self doubt, loss of people close to me, physical and verbal abuse and all the other shit I faced in the course of coming out. Your strength of resolve and your own inner stability should result from telling all. Exorcising the demon of silence purges you of hell. best of luck to you all James x
Sun Apr 12 11:13:14 1998

We may have Mardi Gras and 1 million spectators lining the streets but the stories above sure show you how far we still have to go...why do we still have an unequal age of consent in NSW for a start, i thought we had all those pink dollars floating around making us a force to be reckoned with...when's Sleaze ball by the way
Tue Apr 14 23:54:27 1998

Hi Guys I just came out tonight it was great
Free Gay & Happy - Tue Apr 14 23:55:39 1998

I have been in the Army now for 17 years and only had the guts to come out to my family 2 years ago. I am very much in the closet at work as I believe old thinkings die hard and gays will not be socially accepted there for some time to come. Coming out to my family and some very close friends has been great for me and my stress levels. I am accepted by them all and they now understand why I do things ie: not get married, and they no longer pressure me but support me and encourage me to be happy. You can do the same but only when you decide for yourself that you are ready and you have accessed where you want your life to go. My advice is get there and enjoy.
soldierboy - Wed Apr 15 21:12:10 1998

Hi I wrote earlier, on the 9th, I was the one with the incredibly long letter! Once again I am sorry, but now I have some news for anyone that may have read my letter. I just broke up with my boyfriend, and that was a *Big* step. He has been wonderfully supportive, and we are still good friends. It feels super, except now that I have broken up with him, he's got girls breaking down his door! Oh well! 8^) Now he can find someone that can really appreciate him! I know that I love him only as a friend, and I am more comfortable with myself. Cheers!
Cub - Fri Apr 17 15:55:51 1998

Richard, I know exactly how you feel as i have struggled with the same thing for years. I recently came to the conclusion that i will never be happy until i am honest with myself and those who love me. So far i have told 3 friends, and they have all been great. I simply told them that i dont know what i am, just that i know im not totally straight. One of my mates said that he knows i am still the same person, and that so long as i am happy then he is happy. My only regret is waiting until i was 32 to go thru this. I dont fit any stereotype, nor do i have to. I am not gay/bi/str8...i am just me! I am comfortable with that, and i think my friends are too. Good luck ! I live in Hawthorn, let me know if you need to talk to someone.
Damien - Fri Apr 17 19:29:39 1998

Hi there - Cub, I am glad you brok up with your boyfriend. You now, when I was around 18 I started to come out as a lesbian. Then I met this wonderful guy and I got really confused about my feelings. We got to be really close friends - but not lovers, and I sincerely thought I was in love. I took me a long time before I realised that I didn't want his sex or any man's sex, but that I still can like men and be somewhat I attracted. It is women I want to be with. I have told many of my friends and I feel ok about that bit, but having told my parents once before and then also having told them later about this guy I thought I was in love with I find it hard to tell them all over again. How can I make them take me seriously (always a kid for our parents, aren't we?)??
Vita - Fri Apr 17 20:54:23 1998

Sorry about all the spellingmistakesin the last one. I am from Nothern Europe, do not have English as my mothertongue, but still know it well.
Vita - Fri Apr 17 21:07:30 1998

Sorry about all the spellingmistakesin the last one. I am from Nothern Europe, do not have English as my mothertongue, but still know it well.
Vita - Fri Apr 17 21:07:34 1998

This is such a great idea - I love this "wall" of openness and honesty.
Fri Apr 17 22:12:20 1998

Vita thanks for your comment! Wow you have no idea how good it is to hear someone else that went through the same thing! I am taking another big step today. Today I am going to, for the first time in my life, without wording differently or backing out, I am going to say in front of lots of people, (around 6- but hey!), I Am A Lesbian! Sk�l!
Cub - Sat Apr 18 4:48:40 1998

Hi there, what a great idea! I read gibson's note and had to ad my own comment/story...I just came out, and it took me about 5 months to do it once I made up my mind. I wish I had come out 10 years earlier, but I think it is important to keep control of what is your business. I told my closest friends only, then my mother at christmas (1997), and my friends have let others know so that it didn't seem like a global coming out tour. I am still not out at work, but screw them, I am neither in nor out at work, my sexuality (and I like it) is my business and has no bearing on my work performance or my capability. I don't think the all or none idea is very good, as it is hard to control, and really forces people to adjust very quickly. Family can be the least predictable, mum was great, and my brother and sis in law were great too. Believe it or not no-one suspected in my circle of friends, or family. Too bad for them huh? Oh yeah I am a professional in a really conservative multinational company, and 30. Pity I missed out on the last few years of feeling natural and happy inside.
aden - Sat Apr 18 10:31:18 1998

Aden, GO FOR IT! What a great feeling after being out for some time. I was also 30 when I came out, and every day still is great...So you loose a few friends to start with, but hey, after a while u realise, that they were not your firends at all. Screw your company, just be who you are... and if they find out, most of them will be very suportive... Congrats!!!!!
jez@blitz.com.au - Sun Apr 19 13:48:33 1998

Today is the beginning of the rest of your life!
Sun Apr 19 18:46:05 1998

Thanks "Jez", I agree, the worst part about shivering in the closet is you miss the chance to meet really nice guys, and perhaps even a relationship or 3. I only regret not having had a longer time out, if even only to friends / because I might have met my boyfriend earlier. He is the most wonderful guy I have ever met, and I really love him. I came out last year too, and like aden, did it in a slow way, really trying to feel out how people might receive it. To be honest I came out because I felt I owed it to him, not to force him to hide with me, but it has been the biggest relief. A message I learnt late...people will get over it, or as far as I am concerned...get lost. Fortunately no lost souls yet. I know it isn't as easy for everyone, and that's why I recommend slow and careful, but people start to talk/wonder/and it gets harder to lie. What finally- a spouse and children to explain to??? Oh well, it's easy to speak in hindsight.. at
Tue Apr 21 16:18:45 1998

I am in love with this wonderful woman. Only thing is that she is has a boyfriend......Ooooh, joyful catastrophy
Wed Apr 22 16:17:53 1998

Dear Jez, and the subsequent "Thanks Jez", and many who have gone before, It seems it took me longer than most people who post here. I've been out for 12 months now, leaving a marriage with 2 kids. It has not been the best year of my life, "it was the best of times and the worst of times" (with apologies to Dickens). There have been times when I wanted to throw in the towel and return to the closet (impossible I know but I think my family would have sighed at the end of the 'phase'). Financially I'm stuffed, only see the kids once or twice a week, my wife can't stand me for what I've done, I'm late 30's and face the prospect of restarting all over again. Funny thing is that while I do feel sorry for myself, miss the things I had (and now realise how much that was), I can now say that I experience hope and confidence in the future. It was the biggest step and break of my life, it hurt terribly when it happened but, *but*, I know that I'll succeed. I still love my family terribly (even her) and I'd say all my pain is due to the pain I've caused them. Hope and a belief in the future are what keep me going. The point of this rave? Apart from me having a turn at the graffiti wall, to say to those thinking about what to do, that you *must* do what you feel. Having done it be ready for what comes next and don't let it scare you off. Some things will be frightening but nature ensues that things balance out. Oh yeah, don't try to do it alone. This above all else, to thine own self be true (with apologies to someone, but I don't know who).
Late Bloomer - Fri Apr 24 14:38:11 1998

i am 59 years old and only came out to my beloved pearents 2 years ago this brought about by having a boy freand and trying to exsplanen him to the family it was this that brought obout the disclosier to my mum and dad and i thought while i was about it i might as weel tell the lot this made it much easer as ther was no come back. i was suprissed as thay exsepted me and my partner for wot we are for this i am thankfull. If you can understand me I am trying to say" come out "and it will suprise you at how it will be taken.
hot bum - Sun Apr 26 18:19:53 1998

Come Out Come Out Wherever you are, the more we make ourselves known to others and not hide in our closet the easier it will become for other young G & L . I love that in coming out to many people that I have altered their perceptions ( for the better) of gays and lesbians, actually knowing, liking or being related to a gay person makes it that little bit more difficult for a straight person to discriminate or villify us. My close straight friends are very quick to defend the gay life understanding that it is an honest choice to be true to ones nature and they are quick to attack any outbursts of homophobia. So be honest and courageous and when the time is right out yourself and help stamp out homophobia.
Young, Gay and Proud - Tue Apr 28 12:39:45 1998

i am 24, bi from the philippines, and it is incredibly hard to be bi or gay in this country....there are a number of gay groups but the feeling toward them is still one of disgust or fear. i have already come out to my siblings and i am pretty sure that my parents know but they dont say anything because this way they dont need to take a stand one way or the other. i came out mostly because of my girlfriend, i lived with her for three years then she moved to the US and in a month decided that she wanted to be straight and wanted to be friends--gee thanks. it still hurts but i guess life must go on. if anyone wants to write me please do....haley1@iname.com ps. i think this is a great idea to be able to air views and open other people's minds--good job panther
haley - Thu Apr 30 20:29:17 1998

Looking back on coming out, the biggest problems are our own preconceptions of what others will think or say. The sad truth is . . . they don't give a shit. Most of your friends worked it out years ago, they were just waiting for you to get ready to tell them. This is 1998, not 1958, and almost everyone has gay friends, including our parents. So don't think you just invented it. The lack of reaction from everyone was my biggest shock, and I'm a straight-acting guy so not everyone was expecting to hear that I had a boyfriend. My workmates just love it, we openly joke at work (within the bounds of reasonable decency), and my friends are still my friends, because they liked me. If anyone drifted away, I didn't notice, and I'm probably better off without them, anyway. Is it such a big deal anyway? In our class at school, two were left-handed, and two were gay. I really think that it has about the same percentage within the community in general, and it has about as much relevance to most of the people around you. If you were left-handed would you make a big deal out of it? Well. why make being gay the most significant thing in your life? Get on with growing into the loving caring helpful unselfish person that you know you really are. Don't stand still and bleat for help. You'll only accumulate other lost sheep, desperately seeking sympathy. Being gay is not a disadvantage any more, if anything it's an asset. I have met so many lovely people who are gay, and I'm glad I'm gay too. At the time of coming out, I was worried shitless. Now, in retrospect, armed with all the experiences I have had in these last six years since I came out fully, if I was fifteen again and had to choose between being straight and gay, I'd choose gay any day. Not that it was something I chose - we are born gay, in the same way we are born right or left handed. So stop feeling guilty about it, it's not as if you have chosen to do something nasty or evil. It's natural, so get on with life, and make the lives of those around you better. This is not a mutual sympathy club. Solve your life's problems the same way everyone else has to do. Help yourself, be good at your job, give your boss good value for his dollar, and a bit extra too. We are not crippled by being gay, we are just a bit more sensitive and caring than the straight boys who are crippled by their own macho bravado. We can see the beautiful things in life, and talk about them without fear that our friends will think us 'weak'. There is a whole industry of people out there to keep us thinking we are pitiful and in need of special help all our lives. Learn to steer clear of this crowd. You may be gay but you're still a man. Good luck with your life, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I am enjoying mine.
Bill - Sat May 2 17:57:58 1998

You should come out to yourself first. Accept that there is nothing wrong with you, because there is nothing wrong in loving people of the same sex. If you cannot accept this you will experience a great deal of pain and you will be alone. Before you come out to a friend or relation be either reasonably sure they will accept it or that it won't matter to you. You are the most important person when deciding what to do. do try to meet others at a gay bar or over the "net" they are out there somtimes not easy to find. I have been in and out the closet so many times I'll have to replace the door. but I have never been ashamed of what I am. Go In Love Wayne
wayno@castle.net.au - Sat May 2 23:26:00 1998

This is for all you liberal-minded hets who pretend to tolerate us homos: we are human beings, not issues or causes. I personally do not like most of you breeders, with your tight little nuclear cliques. So I don't care whether you don't like me or not. Do I sound angry? Well, I am. I'm tired of accepting your crumbs as you so graciously tolerate me. You pass "defense of marriage acts" with gleeful abandon, as if it would bring your breeder world to an end if we married the ones we loved. Well, the hell with you. Here's my rant: you breeders are destroying the world, so we homos will just have to create our own. We need to get out and open before we implode.
angry dike in boston - Sun May 3 4:17:41 1998

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