Pinkboard: Coming Out Graffiti Wall II

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a place that I can go
And live my life.

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Men love men
Women care for each other
Why then oh why can't I!

This is a place to discuss coming out, ask questions or share your experiences. Feel free to contribute. If you have a longer story you would like to share please email it to me (Panther).

I'll start this one off with my own story. I never really came out to myself because I was never in. The way I put it is that one day I discovered what it was called. Looking back through my school years I realise that I was attracted to men then, but didn't try to meet any. Fortunately I didn't have any problems with being called names or being bashed, but I did spend a lot of my time in the library.

Coming out to my parents was another matter. The first time I tried was an easter when I went to visit them (in Canberra). We were all sitting around in the lounge room chatting and I was trying to find the words, trying to find the courage and trying to find the opportunity to say it. I never managed to.

About 2 years later I had an argument with my mother on the phone. She accused me of not doing anything "good" like I used to. I was actually in the middle of helping to organise a gay & lesbian conference, but I couldn't tell her as I would be outing myself. I resolved to tell her next time I was visiting. This time she was laid up in bed with a bad back. I still told her. Her response (which I'll never forget) was "That's alright."
Panther - Sun Apr 6 19:15:01 1997

Comming out for me was not hard to do I just took my new boyfriend with me when I visited my family. They could see right away that he was gay. I had some like my mama who wanted to discuss it. But I felt that I should not have to explain myself for something that have to do with me only. We have gotten through it. And I feell if I just keep being the person that I was before they found out that I was gay, eveyone will see that people can be gay and normal. My rule of being who I am is that you don't have to like what I am or who I am but you will respect me .
Giarc - Mon Apr 7 12:06:30 1997

LK, bless you. As a fellow 20-year old, I know what you mean. I'm with you, virtually.. all the way.
Jennifer - Tue Apr 8 9:56:16 1997

When I decided to come out I knew in my heart it was right for me. Being the only daughter I knew it would be hard for my parents. My brothers were great, they knew I was struggling with the double life, trying to be what I thought everyone expected of me, and yet so unfullfilled. Time and lots of talking has kept us all close, loving and caring. Now I worry for my youngest brother, 30 years old, married with two beautiful little boys...and now he is ready to come out. I am afraid it will be harder on him then it was for me. I am there to love and support him in anyway that I can, and can only guess at how the family will react. We are a close family I'm just afraid it will be different because he is a guy... and it may be harder for them to accept. I am searching for answers as to how I can best help him. If this is what he needs ...I just want him to be happy, but it could get very ugly. I wish I could protect him, and help people see that if this is right for him...he needed to do it. That he is still the person we loved all these years, nothing has changed .. that allowing him to be who he is is the best thing we can do for him. To look past the stereo types, and remember who he is, our son...brother...dad ...to trust our hearts and be there for him.
shadow wolf - Tue Apr 8 10:32:45 1997

I have realized that Real True Friends & Family, dont care which sex you're attracted to. Only they can realize your they same person which they have always known. In away being honest with yourself, sifts out all the none real people in your life, an added plus. !!!!
Lance (dossboy) - Tue Apr 8 16:14:50 1997

im scared, i dont know who im am. please help!!!! peace and love
beloved - Wed Apr 9 1:59:49 1997

Beloved: Above all else, be yourself, and be truthful to yourself. All else will follow.
Panther - Wed Apr 9 9:09:05 1997

Beloved: We all have times when we are scared. We spend our lives trying to discover who we are. When we finally decide that this self-discovery is over, it starts up again in a whirlwind until we realize it's never over. This is a wonderful experience, and you may feel now, like it's the end of the world, but I can assure you, you are embarking upon one of the most wonderful journeys ever experienced. You are loved.
Jennifer - Wed Apr 9 22:41:36 1997

God...my life has been an emotional wasteland up until this point of time because of the denial within myself that I was gay. I was called all the usual names at school by other kids and even more hurtful, by my own mother. She placed all of her expectations on me..with me being the only boy in the family with my father dying before I was born. She wanted me to play football and be the big man. I just couldn't do it so she was disappointed and I became withdrawn. This lead me too surpress every emotional urge so as these people could'nt hurt me, sex for me only satisified a physical desire. I never thought I deserved anything better because I beleived was different and that being gay was something to be ashamed of. I first came out at the end of last year when I finally accepted to myself that I liked men. I feel that this was the most important 'coming out' experience..the self realisation and acceptance of who you are, and it is this self acceptance that is the most important to me..that I'm not different..and that I do deserve to be loved, that everyone does. Well most of my friends know now and so do some of my family members, and all have been very surportive much to my surprise. They all say that they had suspected for a long time and are happy that I have finally come to accept myself..I'm yet to overcome my biggest hurdle and tell my mother, but the time is coming and I am looking forward to it. I have forgiven her for what she did to me now I hope that she can accept me.
Ross - Thu Apr 10 14:10:15 1997

I've spent a large part of my life trying to please men. I've dated everything from a basketball stud to an emotional artist. Now, more than ever, I'm lost. I just feel that I will never be satisfied in a relationship. I just don't feel love. I'm not sure if it's my sexual orientation, but I do know that the path my life is following has got to change. I've been single for over a year now, and I'm no longer focused on pleasing men. I'm my own woman. I will never comprimise myself again. I'm still searching, and I appreciate the support on this page.
Marian - Sat Apr 12 5:53:28 1997

Beloved: Hang in there, sweatheart; we're all pulling for you. Now - can someone help me? I've been out to myself sine the summer of '96. I feel as if I'll never find a date or potential partner. I've given up looking in my tiny community; where do I look on the net?
Looking - Sat Apr 12 11:32:30 1997

Looking:- it is when you stop looking that you realise the person you want has been there all along, never settle for second best, we all deserve the best, and we must all give our best... If you can be OUT be proud, if not be IN and try to be happy with yourself, it doesn;t matter what others think, it really doesn't. Live life, love life and love yourself. Beloved:- Embrace who you are, explore, experiment but be true, the only person that really knows is you, many would love to be there for you, but you must be there for yourself, think of us as the mortar in you foundation, we can help but the structure is up to you...Hang in there...All the Best xxx
live,love...liberty - Sat Apr 12 23:05:59 1997

if you live in South Australia, Bfriend can help you come out by linking you up with another gay/les/bi person in a safe, non-sexual way. It gives you someone to talk to on the phone, meet for a coffee or a drink, attend some gay/les community functions with, and tap you into some resources. its free, and in the 2 years of operation, there have been l60 "link ups' between newly identifying people, and our trained volunteers. check out our page which is in early stages of development, at http://arthur.merlin.net.au/~bfriend/ or phone 08 82025l90.
mahamati - Sun Apr 13 21:56:11 1997

I came out in different stages at the age of 38. First I started taking books on gay subjects to work and leaving them laying around. Talk started going around the factory that I was gay. No one confronted me directly. I had a few friends who where upset and we talked about it. They are still are not crazy about it but they know me and know that I really don't care what they think. I had a nice young guy that came on to me after wards. I was tempted but I already had a boyfriend.

How I came out to my family was, I took my boyfriend to all of my family gatherings. You can look at him and tell that he is gay. Soon my mama and others in my family was asking about him. I told them that I was gay. And of course they were not crazy about the idea either. But later they all came around and now accept Jon as part of the family.

Look my gay brothers and sisters, I can not tell you anything new about comming out. All i can say, do it when it feel right for you. Because if you can't handle the situation you will do your self more harm than good. I realized along time ago that I can't let any one live my life for me, as far as I know I only get this one life so I am going to live it being who I am and not what someone else idea of who or what I should be. No one can make me feel bad about myself if I don't let them.

Thanks
Craig - Tue Apr 15 23:03:38 1997

Fight for the right to be free and marry!!!!!!! Fight for what you believe not what should be.
Ryan and Sarah (Fargo) - Thu Apr 17 3:20:25 1997

Ryan and Sarah - Hey, did I hear correctly? I understand that a Prtnership Law is being worked on in Spain. Possibly even passed. As you can see, I don't know all the details. Anyone who does, please let me know.
Looking - Sat Apr 19 9:25:46 1997

Ryan and Sarah - Hey, did I hear correctly? I understand that a Partnership Law is being worked on in Spain. Possibly even passed. As you can see, I don't know all the details. Anyone who does, please let me know.
Looking - Sat Apr 19 9:26:05 1997

Shadow Wolf. Great coming out story. I feel for you brother, it is hard, but it gets better. It does, believe me. He just has to be true to himself and his kids will probably accept before anyone else.
aries - Sun Apr 20 0:18:29 1997

After many years of experiencing life, I haven't learnt much. Over the past few years I've learnt nothing. At all. Except bigotry and prejudice. What's wrong with girls dating girls? It' my life, my business, my girlfriend. And I'm not sorry, mom.
Amy - Mon Apr 21 7:58:32 1997

I was mostly worried about coming out to my best friend . We where so close that we could share her bed for the night like sisters . She was going through a rough time after i told her i was leaving for uni and she started drinking heaps etc. One night she got really smashed at the club i worked at and i knocked off early to walk her home . On the way home she told me " That girl tried to kiss me in there , I'm not gay , but if i was you would be the only girl i would want to kiss . " I told her i was flattered and made a joke that i would not take advantage of her while she was soooo drunk. She then asked me if i was bi and i said " I think I'm gay ".Wow , I did not know that myself until then ....I had not dated men for a couple of years and had been dating women and it suddenly hit me that i did not want to date men , ever. My mum was easy , i just told her that the friend i was going out with that night was a GIRL friend and I cared about her more than a friend . Mum told me that if my dad ever died she would never marry another man and she was curious about sleeping with a woman . *G* . But , then mum always said that she was a gay man in a past life .*G*
Tessa - Tue Apr 22 22:00:13 1997

I waited till I was 50 to come out; unfortunately I was abused by a pedophile as child and that tarnished my picture of my feelings for men. I always knew i wanted to be with guys but I forced that out of my mind and adopted a straight approach to life. Three kids and 22 years of marriage later I finally figured out the real me was worth something, and broke the news to my family. Scary and still scary but getting there.
Cold in the Igloo - Sat Apr 26 13:47:49 1997

I truly believe that same sex relationships are as loving as comitted as the "normal" kind of relationship. I get very put off by homophobic people. I know some same sex relationships that are so much more stronger than the rest. I was once loved by woman who was older than me by 7 years old and I have never regretted it. We are still good friends now.
nike - Tue Apr 29 14:13:48 1997

writin here from A-town this sucks the only thing to do is draw thats why im getting better and better i draw every day now that, besides my girlfriend is all i do to all those fiends gettin caught on the street keep it to the trees bitch or make it good enough to look at or else the paint can of death will get you in your dreams. peace to the Slacke Posse (slacker#2)
Poet* - Thu May 1 6:36:42 1997

beloved . i know how you feel as i felt the same way at first . i am now closer to my parents than ever as can fully understand the anguish i have been through before coming out at age 36
mally - Thu May 1 21:47:54 1997

aem city kings gilas
foreal am - Fri May 2 4:35:03 1997

Coming out is about finding in your heart your true feelings and acting on them , no matter what the concequences. Forget your head it is only your heart that makes you happy, and to find true happiness you need to be in touch with your heart. It is a big step, but one day you will have to jump SO JUMP. Dont wait , paradise is waiting , dont get me wrong life is not like a box of chocolates, sometimes you get a melted turkish delights. Good Luck and leave me a message if you need a chat . be patient.
late bloomer - Fri May 2 21:18:29 1997

I did it, I finally told my friend today and they said "great". I don't know why I waited now.
Aldreic - Sat May 3 22:59:42 1997

The Brisbane "Courier Mail" (that bastion of reactionary conservatism) made me a homosexual! We used to read the personal ads waiting for the train to school (back in the 70s). The CAMP Club had an ad: Homosexual? Ring this number... I just looked at it and thought, "Oh - that's what I am." It just clicked like that. My parents found out about 2 years later. Mum had trouble coping (where did we go wrong etc) but Dad said, "I don't understand it but I have to accept it. You're still my son. But if anyone asks, I'm not going to lie." Way cool! I had expected to be thrown out!! Today I fear they love my man more than me. Don't come out unless you're prepared to split the Xmas pressies with your partner!
If I buy the wool... - Fri May 9 0:50:25 1997

Cold in the igloo...how I would like to talk to you...I'm going through what you must have gone through. It really is a desperate situation when one has grown kids, all the hard work is over, you tell your wife you're gay, she thinks she understands and the future looks confused. There has to be a way to a happy future but God knows where that door is. If anyone has some really sound advice I'd welcome it
Niceguy - Sun May 11 8:14:33 1997

Niceguy: Phone GAMMA (see Pinkboard Community Listings). They are a group of married gay men.
Panther - Mon May 12 19:48:47 1997

After years of denying my true feelings for other men I bit the bullet and told my best friend 3 years ago. She was really good about it. Since then I have come out to many friends, family and workmates & bosses and they have all, without exception, been fantastic and supportive. My parents hugged me and told me they loved me heaps. After relationships with 3 nice guys, I have found the love of my life and we plan to live together from Dec. Jack, I love you!! Life has been good to me since I came out. It was hard to find the courage but really worth it. If you're unsure start off small with a trusted friend and work up from there. It helps you to accept yourself and start enjoying life. I did all my coming out without the support of any gay friends, (I didn't know any) and found my straight friends to be loyal and loving. Don't give yourself an excuse to put off doing it.
AL - Wed May 14 11:19:04 1997

Thanks Panther.Nice to know there's support around. I'll get in touch.
Niceguy - Sat May 17 7:14:45 1997

Q:- How the f*** do I deal with this? - I keep falling for straight women, straight guys keep falling for me, Idon't know any lesbians, I'm frustrated, scared, confused and alone and all my friends and family seem to do is ask me WHY I have never had a boyfriend!!! Aughhh! I'm running on a treadmill - how do I get off it? A:-?????
The Rookie! - Fri May 23 18:19:12 1997

The Rookie- It's very common to fall for straight women. Believe me- I know! I don't know any lesbians, myself, and I'm lost too. If you want to get off the treadmill.. join some discussion lists.. join a group in a nearby city.. Just join! But of course, I'm in the same situation, too. So I guess I can't talk.
Jennifer - Fri May 30 7:46:57 1997

Rookie & Jennifer - I seem to be in exactly the same predicament. Where are you guys? I'm in Sydney.
Elf - Wed Jun 4 20:02:08 1997

I came out to my kids they were great. I firmly believe that if someone refuses to give me a job be my friend or no longer wants me as a family member because of who I am and who I choose to love then I am just as glad that they are not part of my life. I only choose to associate with g/l/b positive attitudal people!
Sue - Thu Jun 5 0:09:03 1997

Hey there Elf! I'm in Sydney too! - I know that everyone seems to feel that Sydney is the gay capital of the world (next to San Fran perhaps) - and it's true that it does have a vibrant gay community...its just the initial steps of getting involved and getting to know people are so damn difficult! - I feel for you Elf, but remember - don't lose hope...you know the old adage about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow??? - well I'm a firm believer in that! - I have to be...we all have to be at this stage in our 'lesbian careers' I think. Celebrate every tiny step forward in your personal coming out process, and try not to get too upset about the inevitable bad days...(all I can say about my last desperate entry is..."oops!"). Stay proud girl! Keep smiling :) !
The Rookie - Thu Jun 5 17:54:26 1997

Hello Rookie ("the rookie" - what do you prefer?), your message came on a particularly bad day & helped me bounce back to my usual don't give a shit self - yeah, ok it's often a facade but they don't know that! Anyway thanks babe! grrltrade@hotmail.com
Elf - Sat Jun 7 0:38:57 1997

Hey Elf! I'm in NH, USA.. I'm starting to feel much better, and well, I got my first pride bumper sticker..! YAY for me!
Jennifer - Tue Jun 10 10:48:47 1997

Hi Jennifer. Glad to hear that you're feeling better. The Rookie & I have started mailing each other. If you ever want to talk...?
Elf grrltrade@hotmail.com - Tue Jun 10 21:18:28 1997

I,m almost 50 a scary age I feel past it but have had a great life at the age of 8 I loved wattching cowboy movies just tosee the half naked Indians Yeh Davie Crocket. I slept with my boy cousins and play little sex games. At the age of sixteen I could not admit that I was a poof/pansy/homo/queer gay was not an option then, but on the bus or train I would see various guys that I thought I would like to be my friend/mate. I also fell inlove for the first time and thought that if he is I am. Nothing happened bewteen us, I later found out he was interested but it was too late. In my early twenties me and my cousin decided that we were attracted to the male sex and desided to do something about it. We whent to the Tap Room at the Rex, Costello,s The Barrel and various other bars I had a Ball. I was offered trips to Europe and partied at the best hotels in Sydney. I was bashed five times once nealy losing an eye and once having to hold my bottom lip togeather to tell the taxi driver my address. My problem was I always liked "Straight Guys" I got heaps but was sometimes set up. I have been in and out of the closet since my eary thirties, My family and clos freinds have know since I was 22. at work there are those who put you down behind your back but not to your face. would I change my life No. I feel for the young guys who with family, peer and other pressures do not know what to do. All I can say is take it easy drift along at your own speed remember sexual prefrance is a fluid thing when you are young and there is nothing wrong with any fling if you both enjoy it and take care not to hurt the other party. I have young friends and family in the same boat I can only help them if they want me to (they know about me) but one thing is for sure suiside is not the answer, Please live your life as you are with out feeling guilty about somthing over which you have no control All my best wishes for a good life Wayne
Tamba - Sat Jun 14 21:11:29 1997

"Be proud of how you feel of what you are and who. You were born without prejudice, make sure you die without it too." - George (?)
B - Tue Jun 17 23:57:12 1997
It is by George Forth.

I'm 37, divorced and the father of two young children (a boy 4 years old and a girl 19 months old). I was attracted to males from the time I started having sexual feelings -- at about age 12. I'm from a family of five kids and have a fraternal twin brother. My parents are middle class and have been married for going on 43 years. Growing up was a nice experience for me and I spent my time in the suburbs of St. Louis playing kick-the-can and cage ball, watching The Partridge Family and The Mary Tyler Moore Show and feeling different than most other guys (though I never had a problem fitting in with all the neighborhood kids). Fantasizing about guys seemed very natural to me and I never felt odd about it. I dated a couple of girls in junior high and high school, but I never had sex with them. I had a lot of female friends and was friendly (but not close friends) with many guys. I went to college and started developing crushes on cute guys and roommates, though I never did anything about it. I knew I was gay, but being normal was too important to me, so I kept it hidden from everyone. I had my first gay experience in college, but it was with an older guy that ran a disco across the street. I met a gay guy in Dallas who helped me stop denying what I am, but we didn't have a physical relationship. I was still getting crushes on straight guys and I dated a couple of women. I had sex for the first time with a woman at age 24. It was nice physically, but it took a lot of effort and I didn't get much out of it emotionally. My ex-wife and I met at work in St. Louis and dated for about a year (she pursued me) before breaking up. We both moved to different states, but we got engaged about six months later. I wouldn't do it again, knowing what I know now, but at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I can't honestly say I was in love with her, but I did love her and thought it was going to be that 'til death do us part thing. I first came out to her when our son was about six months old. She now says she didn't understand the extent of my homosexuality then, but I told her several more times and it finally sank in. Our relationship took a turn for the worse after our daughter was born (she insisted one child was not enough) and I joined a telephone system for gay men in St. Louis. I met a few of the men from the system and had some nice encounters, but it wasn't until I met my current partner that I seriously considered ending my marriage. My ex says my sexuality was the only issue, but it was more complicated than that -- as though being gay and married with two kids wasn't complicated enough. I came out to my sister next follwed by my younger brother, my parents and my twin brother. I still haven't told my older brother (he lives in Seattle). Everyone I've told (except my ex) has been accepting and supportive. My twin brother worries that I'll end up in hell, but I've explained that God made me this way and doesn't strike me as the type who would punish one of his own for acting on a desire that He programmed. I still work at the me place and she's taken it upon herself to tell several people of my gayness. Nice, huh? My partner has a very similar story (two kids, divorced, accepting family, etc.). We moved in together about a year ago and have all four kids every other week. (Well, almost. His ex and he have joint physical and legal custody. He gets his kids every other week. My ex and I have joint legal custody, but she insisted on and won primary physical custody, so I get my kids every other weekend and one night during the week. The legal system sucks where divorced fathers are concerned -- and she didn't even bring up my sexual preference during the divorce proceedings.) So far, my story is a happy one. My partner's family supports him and welcomes me to family gatherings. Mine does the same. I never thought it would be this easy, and I suppose it usually isn't. We both feel fortunate for the way things are going and are totally in love with each other. The biggest difficulty we have is learning not to be competitive where the kids are concerned. Coming out was extremely painful -- not the result, but actually facing each person and telling him or her. I can't tell you how liberating it was and, even though I wonder every now and again how I could have been so stupid to reveal something like that about myself when things were so normal, I'm glad I did. It's opened up a world that I always wanted to experience and I really enjoy being who I was born to be. Good luck.
G.E.H. - Sat Jun 21 8:13:38 1997

Gee, a lot of the feelings are *exactly* like mine! Right up till the time that I was 32, I still tried to tell myself that I was straight, but that I just liked guys and it was normal. Well, now I am 34, and since I am not a Tom Cruise, I am well and truely on the shelf. Well, this little old shelf is pretty safe anyway. School bashings, denials, loneliness, isolation. I know them all like old friends. But in another life I will be gorgeous and it will all be OK. Luckilly I believe in multiple lives, so I look forward to the time that I am liberated. Unfortunately I think that I am past the stage of accepting myself, but most of the time I manage not to think about it and then I am OK for a while. I have a good career, but alcohol is my only intimate friend. But I am at peace in a strange sort of way????!!!!
Nobody important - Tue Jun 24 19:48:56 1997

Darling, you're gorgeous now!!! If like you say alcohol is your only intimate friend why don't you place an ad in the personals (Panther thinks of everything), even if you start of with a few one night stands, it may help boost your self-esteem & who knows it may lead to something else ?? Sounds like you have nothing to lose. Personally, I don't think anyone is past the stage of accepting themselves. You're only 34. Ok, I'm only 23 & can't really talk as I'm still in the closet but I'm working on it. If you need to talk (even if to a young dyke) mail me - grrltrade@hotmail.com Take care of yourself.
Mel - Wed Jun 25 18:56:29 1997

I'm 25. Out to some of my uni friends and lecturers. and on the net. but noway I can immagine myself comming out to my parents...what can i do? I hate living a double life?..
Maddy - Thu Jun 26 19:08:39 1997

Maddy, talk to your local gay & lesbian counselling service about your options. They can go through everything with you, and it is totally anonymous over the phone. There is one in most states.
Panther - Thu Jun 26 19:42:43 1997

Iam now 20, have been out for bit over two years. Told my sister she cool, brother kinda knows and my parents kinda suspect but haven't asked me. I dont feel ready to tell them yet, but if they asked i wouldnt lie to them. The thing is even though i have some good friends, I still feel very lonely lost boyfriend was for three months, he satyed over my place once in 10 weeks the night my mum was put into hospital with a fractured skull, i asked him to come over, he said he was to tired that was the ened of that. But i am all lonley again. Now a guy ive liked onb and off for 12 months is leaving for melbourn, ive only spent 3 weeks with him, but it hurts more thenthe 3 month break up. Is life always once ocnstant hurt and lonelynees, wont one of some of my freinds ring me, instead ofsyaing you havent rung for a while, when i ring them. I hvae no problem being gay, I justwont to know is it always this lonley in life most of the time. I just wanttobewith somone.
Toby - Fri Jul 4 5:47:50 1997

awwww...i dont kno what 2 do! i am so confused at the moment! i am 18 and i have only kissed a grrrl once and it was great! my mum asked me if i was a dyke and well...she gave me the big "i had been crying all day wondering where i went wrong thang" so what the f**k was i meant to sai??? well..i denied it all but i think i left her wondering...i mean, i don;t even know myself..i know that sounds screwy but i am just confused at the mo!!! umm..i am from Brisbane and well..i guess i will sort it out soon...shucks..i am just confused!!!
D'arcy - Fri Jul 11 1:14:22 1997

D'arcy: Neither you nor your mother have done anything wrong. It is part of what we are born with and there is nothing that can be done to change it. We can either accept it or deny it, but it is still there.
Panther - Fri Jul 11 9:31:03 1997

Congratulations to Rev Dorothy McRae-McMahon of the Uniting Church for coming out (SMH 10 Jul 1997). Let us hope that the institutions that tell us to love Jesus also tell is it is OK to love our sister or brother and still serve Jesus.
Panther - Fri Jul 11 9:36:37 1997

To Toby and Nobody Imortant I feel for the pain you are going through Alchohol ain't a bad mate sometimes, but only for a short time. the warmth of a body beside yours is a great feeling, and worth some of the pain. One has to try a little to get it, I may have been lucky when I was young but now am lonerly sometime too. you have youth the most valuable thing there is it cannot be bought. It is hard to say to much here with-out knowing you. You deserve a good life all you have to do is find it
Tamba - Sat Jul 12 3:30:42 1997

my story is so similar to the Rookie's!!! how the hell do i do this???????? How can I come to terms with myself???? I have been doing battle with myself with this thing for seven years. I'm 28 and still feel like a geeky teenager trying to come to grips with life problems. when i was growing up i never presumed i could be a homosexual - even tho i was always a little different to the rest of my friends and family. I feel like I am lost and don't know which way to turn. I am trying to delve deep inside myself to find the answer but its just so hard! The other day my mum guessed that I may be gay and she said she" loved me all the same and that it was my life and who buisiness is it anyway! as long as I was happy" thats all she wants. She suprised the hell out of me. I was so scared and I'm still scared. How do I figure this stuff out???? My feelings are so screwed up at the moment, I don't know wether I'm lesbian or bisexual. A few weeks ago I felt like topping myself I was that confused. I'm just as confused now but I know its not worth killing myself over. The problem is the people i am attracted to are hetro and I have known this all along. I don't even know any gay people!!! or wether I want to mix in the gay scene. I do know that i would prefer a women to share my life.
afraidtocomeout - Wed Jul 16 19:29:40 1997

Afraid: It sounds as if you need to talk to somebody about this, anyone sympathetic, as long as they will listen to what you are saying without judging you. I think you will find that by talking it will help you sort out where you are. Your local gay & lesbian counselling service can help with this if you like. I know it is scary to talk to someone, but it is also scary to keep it bottled up inside.
love Panther - Wed Jul 16 20:19:24 1997

Hey there Afraid, if you want someone to talk to you can mail me at grrltrade@hotmail.com The Rookie seems to be doing ok at the moment, she's currently tarting her way around the States.
Mel - Thu Jul 17 0:36:54 1997

I am so happy to have stumbled (quite literally since I am very new to the 'Net) across this very friendly site ! I live in Canada, am 36 yrs old and have only recently started coming out as a bisexual woman. I have never done things the easy way in life and my slow journey to my true identity has been surprisingly smooth (so far). I have told my closest friends, my 14 yr old son and my birth mom ( who told me she feels she has always known since we met four years ago). My Mom (the one who raised me) died several years ago but my Dad is still alive but I don't think I'm ready to tell him, and don't know if I ever will be! I am truly proudest of two people I have told. My son, who I had initially decided not to tell until he was a bit older, but I had to since I had been cruising the 'Net looking for information on bisexuality (especially regarding telling your children!) and I didn't know how to delete the sites I had been at and was not interested in him finding out that way. He was so cool ! I guess raising him to be openminded paid off, even though I thought I was doing it so he would accept my friends who are gay, little did I realize a few years ago that I would benefit too! The other person I am so proud of is a close friend of mine who has been known to say some fairly homophobic things, even though she knows I have gay friends and she has met them and really likes them too. It was very difficult to tell her, and I avoided her for almost a month, only having very basic conversations until one day I just got sick of feeling like I was lying every time I saw her. I told her I had something to talk to her about and arranged to see her on her coffee break. I guess I have been sending out some "vibes" because before I got to her office she had written on a piece of paper that she thought I was going to tell her I was gay. She told me that our friendship means alot to her and that she was sorry for making it so difficult for me to be totally open with her. It was such a relief it still brings tears to my eyes to think about it. Every person I have told has been so wonderful and the funny thing is that most of them has had a suspicion for quite a while. I realize now that I have been "dropping hints" for quite a while. For example if someone said to me " It would be great for you to find a great guy" I would answer " Well someday I hope to find the right person". These kinds of comments seem to have given my friends an inkling that I was changing. I do consider it a change to be attracted to women as well as men, because I have not allowed myself to enjoy it previously, and believe me now I totally feel comfortable talking about being attracted to women. Thanks for letting me share my story and I'll talk to you again soon.
Nonie - Sat Jul 19 19:44:12 1997

Maddy, i understand completly what you're saying. I wish there were an easy answer for I can certainly use one. Hang in there sis...
Jodo - Sun Jul 20 17:31:17 1997

After reading all of the messages it took me sometimeto think about what is really going on in this world.... I guess I am in a constant struggle with my sexuality. Everytime you think that you are ok something always come up and hit you in the face! Well... now that I am truly happy being with myself that I can't really help other people to understanding them but only to support them.I am an asian and I guess being of my background is also harder for me...but it is ok! I finally realised it is not what you are but who you are...I have come out with some of my friends, some straight and some gay. They are all very supportive... may be I am jsut the lucky one I guess. I think that I can not say anymore than to let you guys know that the recently published book of Ian Roberts' "finding out" is a really good book about all the issues many of us (or me) that we faced. There are a lot of courageous, heartaching stories that people lived the way how they want to live.To offer some sort of comfort I hope that the poem in Ian's book will help people around. I certainly can not find anything that will say as well as I would like to but the poem really helps me to get through the hard times!Here it is: If you dare to be different and you do not join the crowd If they laugh at your honesty and taunt you if you're proud When they talk of you in whispers and criticise the things you say and do Do not fear them but forgive them for the are more afraid than you... I hope it is of help to someone... I also would like to reply to Toby's comment on July 4th 1997 that he is lonely. I guess me and my friend have face that sort of problem after our recent coming out because we live in such a small circle. Recently my best friend has end a short relationship with this guy. After this incident I think he was deeply hurt and now he has turned to what you call "platonic" love which I think it is really unfair. I guess being gay and findig the right partner is never easy.Sometimes when you try to tell yourself to be strong it is hard without someone special next to you. There was a stage where you feel so isolated and lonely and sometimes you just so sick of being all by yourself.I think that may be being young is my greatest asset. I am glad that I have come out recently at my age for that I do have a wonderful future awaits for me!For Toby I really feel for you... if you ever wanted a friend just email me at ionn@hotmail.com For all the people out there, best wishes for all and just one last word of advice... in the end, whether directly or indirectly, each of us is responsible for a lot of what happens in our life, good and bad, and that it is up to each of us to take control, even when the odds against ust seem too great.
christopher - Mon Jul 21 1:15:54 1997

I have come out to my close friends, the first was 2 years ago. I am 30 years old now and am adopted. My parents are elderly and I haven't told them yet. I want to but don't want to shock them. I would like to tell them both and I don't think I have that many years to play with. What should I do and how? It was quite easy telling my friends and all of them were cool about it. But my parents....?
30yo needing advice - Fri Aug 15 22:02:10 1997

Needing Advice - There is no sure fire way to tell them. Some things that may help - Drop hints for a while (years?) before you tell them, like when they ask you if you have found a girl friend answer with something like "sort of" or "haven't found anyone who is right for me". Make sure you tell them that you haven't changed and this hasn't changed you, it's just a part of life, like the colour of your hair. Also it isn't anyone's fault, it's natural.
Panther - Tue Aug 19 9:58:12 1997

I've been out for 3 months and it is great so far. It's hard at the start, the painful waiting and putting off telling your family and friends but it is such a relief not to have to lie anymore.
zara, 18. - Tue Aug 19 11:42:38 1997

Good advise Panther. I have been out to others (I got over the self denial part 5 years ago) now for 5 months. I decided at Xmas that I needed to sort my life out before I turned 30 - and then coming out just happened (well, one too many drinks helped - but it worked for me). Dropping hints helps and not outright lying is a good idea too. I never made any pretenses of being interested in women - I took a not interested in sex approach. When I did come out to my friends and some workmates, there were some that were surprised, and some (mainly other mean surprisngly) that said they always knew. I only personally told about 8 close friends but gave them permission (actually asked) that they spread the word. This worked well - the only thing I would do differently would be to get them to tell me who thay had told (ok, so i'm a control freak). I haven't had one bad reaction and lots of love and support (and prezzies!). Telling my family is a little way down the track - but as Racheal Hunter says of Pantene - It won't happen over night, but it will happen.
kiwiboy - Fri Aug 29 20:05:46 1997

Hi, I have been reading with interest some of the stories on this wall. I am 35 years old coming out for me I thought was going to be quite difficult, you see I suffer from a phyiscal disability, so as you can all imagine dealing with a disability and coming to the realization that I was gay, it felt like a two edged sword. When I felt ready to tell my mum that I was gay I was dreading thw consequences that might happen, to my surprise however the response I got was "OH NO not you as well"! It turned out that my youngest brother and eldest sister were gay. In a way this was very helpful because I now had two people I could turn to if I ever felt that need!! I have just recently moved from Wellington, New Zealand so it kind of starts all over again, not the fear, but just getting out their and making myself known to people.
kiwi@morgan.net.au - Tue Sep 2 11:55:15 1997

thank u
dr zous - Tue Sep 2 21:33:36 1997

the first person I told didn't speak to me for 3 days and I lost all but one of my uni classmates to their homophobia - but my friend became my lover and all the important people support me and I wouldn't change a thing about my coming out. I've been out for 3 yrs, 3 months and 25 days and I can finally just be me. Do it if you can!
k - Thu Sep 4 20:31:05 1997

I have read all the notices, and its great to know that there are others like me. I am 17 and too scared to come out. It feels so hard because my parents, I am sure have never suspected that I'm a lesbian. I have always been a girly girl, and I'm sure it would kill my parents if I told them. I want to talk to someone but I am too scared to use the home phone because we have itemised billing, and can't be emailed because my parents frequently use it. I feel so trapped. I can't talk to my friends, because none of them would cope, and my family are not an option. Can anyone suggest anything
J - Wed Sep 10 16:48:56 1997

J, Get yourself an anonymous email account from somewhere like www.hotmail.com. You parents won't be able to read it and you will be able to get any mail while you are connected.
Panther - Thu Sep 11 9:33:35 1997

Thanks Panther, I have just got my email hooked up, and I feel better already
Jazz - Fri Sep 12 14:49:35 1997

Hey folks. As I was reading the posts here on coming out one thing was completely obvious. How incredibly strong we are. In a world that still has yet to fully embrace people that are not white upper class hetero males we can still find our voice and speak. This is my story. My coming out was a little later than I would have planned had I known what it was when I knew I was gay. When I look back over my life I can say that I have been gay as long as I can remember. Like someone else here my sexuality was compromised by sexual abuse as a child. For me when I entered my late teens (after the abuse finished) I denied all sexual feelings - especially gay ones. For me, to acknowledge that I was gay was to say that it was my fault that the abuser had his power over me. Then compunded with this was the fact that at school people used to call me all those pleasant names that we all love so much. So by the time I'd entered uni I'd managed to suppress most of my feelings and in a sense convince myself I was straight. Though as I look back now, I had more interest in my male friends than I did my female ones. And when two of my best mates (who I can say now I had a crush on big time) got with some of my close female friends I reacted in a very jealous way. To top it off the other in your face clue for me was when I would spend long nights on the beach with a friend and then wonder why I justed wanted to hold him forever but never did. I also spent some time at my mom's place and when other guys stayed over sometimes we'd share a bed and the feelings I felt to just reach over and touch them where enormous. As was the same case when I would go driving with another friend in the mountains. But as I said my screwed up sexuality cause of the creulness of school and the sexual abuse I had no idea who I was. Later I got in a relationship with a women who I ended up marrying. This was so in my face confronting that it was only 18 months before we split up and I decided to work out of I was gay or not. I had to over come many obstacles, my religious up bringing - but the MCC church helped me there, the feelings of responsibility for the abuse if I was gay, ie it only happened because I was gay - but after some time with a counsellor I now know that I am not gay because I was abused and I was not abused because I was gay. This man is responsible not me. I've missed a number of opportunities to have long standing relationships because of all this crap, so I am glad its over now and can at least work on being happy. I'd like to say to people who read these posts here and are exploring their sexuality listen to your heart and if you need someone to talk over these feelings with contact your local gay and lesbian counselling service. I lost 10 years or more because I didn't know where to go but there are places now and they can help. My best wishes to you all. Go inside. Find your inner self. And emerge as the beautiful person you are.
Hexer - Sun Sep 14 5:34:28 1997

Thanks to all of you who have come before me; I'm in the process of coming out- have told a few friends and live in a gay friendly community. But, the biggest struggle I have is coming out to myself. I have been married, have children and grandchildren and a gay relationship that was closeted but did allow me to finally expresss my homosexuality. The relationship has ended and has left me feel afloat and very emotionally alone. Is is worth it I think? Having live so long in a strait mode I am not struggling with being gay, where and how and where anxious about meeting my soul mate. Just wanted to say this outloud and thank all for their comments. It is so so reassuring to know I am no alone.
JimBeau - Sun Sep 14 8:03:03 1997

Hello all, Firstly thank you Panther for suggesting private Email to solve my privacy problems, and thank you to everyone else who has contributed to this page. I wrote last week feeling very depressed about myself, and wondering if life was worth living. Since being hooked up to my new Email I have managed to find someone out there to talk to. I mean it isn't much as we've only communicated once, but it's enough to assure me that I am not alone. It is especially good to see that there are other young lesbians out there going through exactly the same thing as me. I still feel kind of trapped because living in Adelaide, I don't feel there is anywhere i can go to openly and informaly discuss how I feel. Thankyou Panther for at least partly helping me out of my isolation. If anyone would like to contact me(and I would like that very much) I can be Emailed at jazz_28@hotmail.com
Jazz - Mon Sep 15 16:22:18 1997

hey everyone, well, dont know exactly how to start or what to say, but ive read all of your posts and i just think its so sad how even though we all feel so strong about our love for the people of the same sex, its hard to admit it to ourselves at times and to others. im 16/f and have been a tomboy for like most of my life, but growin up in high school now i guess ive become a girly girl or whatever it is that society calls it, but anyways, im so confused cause its like i think im falling in love with my bestfriend, who ive known for eleven years now, shes two years younger, but a lot more mature than me, so the age isnt really the problem, i just really love her and want to tell her how i feel, but i mean im not sure if itll freak her out or if she'll be able to handle it. i came out to my other best friend two days ago, and she was very cool about it, i mean she doesnt feel comfortable when i talk bout it too much, so i dont, because i respect her n all, but i just need someone to help me out n i dunno if i should tell the girl i like how i feel or just keep on going through life lying to her bout how i feel and denying it to myself or what. i saw her last night and tried to tell her, but i just didnt know what to say. if some one can please talk n try to help me out, i have an aol account if you wanna talk that way, my screen name is seether18, id really appreciate it. oh yeah, one more thing, this is like to maddy and afraidtocomeout and all the other girls on here, im like totally confused myself, but, god, ill do anything in the world to try n help you out as much as i can, so if you want to talk or anything, i can give you my email account address or home or whatever, i just hate hearing other people that sound so sweet and nice and interesting and everything confused bout who they are just because its different than who others are. well, guess thats it for now. im really glad i found this site, good luck to everyone. luv you all
seether - Tue Sep 16 5:10:48 1997

Is coming out the best thing??? I have known I was gay for as long as I can remember, but have never tod anyone. Over the years it has become so lonely and frustrating that it was starting to suffer from depression. I have many good friends but none of them knew. Reading Ian Roberts Book "Finding Out", gave me what I thought was the inspiration and courage to tell my best friend. I thought that he would accept and support me. When I told him, he said that he had suspected for a while, bit now that he knew for sure he didn't know how to deal with it. Since then he has been distancing himself from me. My friends mean the world to me, but if my best and closest friend treats me like this how do I raise the courage to tell others. I'm tearing up inside and don't know what to do. I know think that I should have kept my mouth shut and not said anything..
namron@taunet.net.au - Sat Sep 20 6:46:34 1997

I thought comming out would be good for me, how wrong I was. I have herd all the stories of how good it was for people to finally come out, sure it was hard for them at the start though things improved as time went along. So out I came yes I new it would be hard to start with, my family still don't talk to me now, my friends or so called friends thought I was weird. I had a realationship with a guy and it lasted about a year. I have tried to overcome this, to no avail. Since the break up two years ago nothing, unless your muscle bound hunk, if your the average guy next door what luck do you have, beats oh so much fun.(not) So it is time to give up, sure I am average with a little bit of weight, though it seems these days that guys can not see past that to see the person on the inside, sure they say that either on the hpone or the net, once you meet them, nothing. Give I shall. So much for comming out. Might of as well stayed the way I was at least I had friends then. Good luck to all you people with partners, enjoy what you have and who you are with. I have forgotton.
Peter - Sun Sep 21 1:46:52 1997

I know how you feel namron, I am in the same boat and feel the same way. I can also feel for Peter there as well. I have no I idea what to do either.
Sun Sep 21 18:33:26 1997

Well here it goes. I'm gay. There now. That wasn't so hard to say. I'm gay and i've known ever since I was 10 that I was gay. I can remember the first time I ever looked at a guy and was all googley eyed. He was an actor - probably 18 or so - in a local theater production. After the play I ran up to him to get his autograph. Then later as I found I was attracted to guys I thought it was a phase. I wasn't really attracted to them, I was just envious of their bodies and how they had muscles and I didn't look like them and that it would all pass. Well of course it didn't. I had my first encounter with a guy at the age of 21. It was quick and unromantic and I was nervous and scared. But at the same time I knew it felt right. Unfortunately it took another 7 years to accept that I was really in fact gay. Over the years I would stop at the local gay cruising areas searching for what I didn't have a clue, except for sex. Then in june I met a guy who was the kind of guy you bring home to mom. While the relationship lasted only 3 weeks - we didn't even have sex- I realized that hey, I can have a normal life. I told a gay friend that I had met someone, and he was supportive and said he thought I was gay. Last week I told my stepbrother, who is also gay. He was shocked but said if I needed to talk to give him a call. I haven't told my close friends or my dad yet, but someday soon perhaps. In the meantime my mental health has been so much better. I feel like I have control over my life, beyond that, that I can actually have a life. By the way...did I mention, I'm gay? :)
EKeithJ@aol.com - Tue Sep 23 17:29:42 1997

Namron and Peter: Coming Out can be a long and involved process. In fact there are many parts to coming out: coming out to yourself, to your family, to your friends, to other gay/lesbian people, at work, etc.

Coming out to yourself is a matter of being truthful to yourself: realising what your sexuality is, and coming to terms with it. This is easy for some but hard for others.

Once you have come out to yourself then you are in a position to decide what to do with your life. This could involve deciding to live a "normal" life and marrying and having kids. Or you could decide to come out to everyone. There are many other scenarios. But this should be your own choice, and you should only do what you feel ready to do.

It can be very discouraging if you do come out to others and they reject you or don't accept you fully. You might even start to doubt yourself. Especially when it is someone who's friendship or advice you value. Try to make sure that you have some support mechanism (someone to talk to) for when something goes wrong. Maybe try to make gay friends before you tell your other friends. You could also have a talk to your local gay and lesbian counselling service.

Something to tell them that may help is that you haven't changed and this doesn't change you.
Panther - Tue Sep 23 18:29:07 1997

Once again I find myself here wiff my brothers and sisters in love. The biggest step I ever took was coming out to myself and loving me for who I really am last year. All my life I hid behind a str8 facade to please my family and friends. I even got married and fathered a child. The second hardest thing was coming out to my wife of eight years. By no means am I proud of myself because I had lived a life full of lies and am ashamed for allowing to go so far. If you feel alone and don't understand why this is happening to you seek help from your friends. Believe it or not there are more of us wiff similars feelings than you think. Oh to be happy and free of my wrath is wonderful. Once again thanks Panther as I have met the most beautiful people through the fruit of your efforts and of late to meet up wiff Steve was the icing on the cake
Peter - Wed Sep 24 3:23:40 1997

I'm a 21yo guy who just came out to friends and family. In less than three weeks, I fell for a guy heavily and had my heart broken. Besides the pain, I feel like I'm finally living and one day I will wake up in the morning with the arms of my man around me and my neck warmed by his sweet breath. I have a whole new part of life that I never dared entertain even two months ago. Coming out was good for me.
Drew - Thu Sep 25 22:05:39 1997

Coming out was the greatest, hardest, happiest, saddest thing I ever did. For me to be me, to love whom I love, I have paid a dear price indeed. I lost custody of my 3 precious children to their homophobic father. It hurts so deeply that sometimes I think my heart will stop beating from the pain. But from the burned up ashes of loss rises this phoenix of strength and love. I have found my true self by finding my true soulmate. I have retained the unbreakable bond of love between a mother and her sons and gained freedom at last. I only hope that the lessons I taught them while they lived with me for 11 years will be the foundation of their lives and they will grow up knowing love. I would welcome any email from others dealing with these issues at SouthButch@aol.com
Debi - Tue Sep 30 8:56:56 1997

I didn't need to come out to my mother, she's a lezbo too! She always let me make my own choices and never forced anything on me. I used to sleep with boys and that was cool with her, now I sleep with girls, that's cool too. My mother accepts me for who I am and, so long as I am happy, she is happy too. My father is a different story. I never told him I liked girls. I think that's because my mother left him for a woman when I was five and that broke his heart, I remember the pain in his eyes. I didn't want to hurt him. But because of my need to "keep him in the dark", I missed out on seeing him for a while and just spoke to him over the phone. I never stopped to think that one day he would be gone and that I would miss him. My father died January 7th 1997. And I didn't get a chance to tell him that I loved him, I didn't get a chance to tell him that I'm gay and I didn't get to ask him if he loves me anyway. I wish I'd told him because now I'll never ever know.
RCS xxx - Wed Oct 1 14:51:24 1997

Here goes nothing...I am one very, very, extremely confused individual. I am what is called a "late bloomer", high school and my teenage years really held no sexual interest for me, everybody else was so "developed" and there I was, struggling along behind them all. It is only in the past two years I have realised that I find men to be sexually attractive. At first I tried to write it off...thinking I was only envious of there bodies. Now, I am trying to decide what to do about it. Does this mean I'm gay? or bisexual? I feel no sexual desire towards women I do not know (penthouse and like do nothing for me), however I find my best friend becoming more and more attractive and desirable to me (she is a she). I want some form of relationship...somebody to "take care of"..and I want this person to be a female. Yet, on the other hand....all I want sexually is another male, somebody who will take care of me. I would dearly love it if I could find a "net friend" (male or female) to talk to...there is so much going around in my head at the moment...i really need a friendly ear. I'm too scared to approach my best friend..... And to who-ever created this site, *thankyou*, it is a wonderful creation...
Confused - Thu Oct 2 2:03:03 1997

Dear confused If you need someone to chat with please feel free to send me and IM or an email. Just talking things out can be a good thing, especially when you are confused. If you want to chat I'm here. Take care. Keith
EKeithJ@aol.com - Thu Oct 2 15:55:44 1997

Dear Confused, There are always people who are willing to listen, and yes talking about it with someone other than friends or relations can be of great help. One thing always remember that you are very special to you and your family no matter which why you turn. Never get to down it only makes things worse. Always talk about it either on here or via e-mail. Good luck Regards Mitch
mitch@fl.net.au - Sun Oct 5 11:08:59 1997

Finally, a place where we can feel safe to speak from the heart!! I just discovered this place, thankyou Panther & all the rest of you. I am in the process of letting the world know I am gay, and it has been a hard, slow & painful process. All of my friends are straight, but most are accepting so far. The pain after the initial relief comes from not being able to talk to other people in the same situation. I was relieved to come out last year but find that some still want me to act as though nothing has changed. This has caused me to feel isolated from the world, & quite lonely & afraid. I think you all know what I mean. Sometimes I feel I have wasted years being alone, hiding from myself & I feel there is no way to get out of this bottomless pit. But that gives way now to a mixture of anger & hope, anger that I could have been happy long before now, that the world owes me something, but also hopeful, desperatly hopeful, that there is a way to reach happiness. I am now at the point where I need to know someone who can lift me out of this situation, & I am not too scared to admit it, at least in a place like this . If anyone else feels this way, or would just like to spew their heart out as well, please email me at: beroccaman@hotmail.com Thanks for the chance to have a nervous breakdown. I'll be back.
Matt - Sun Oct 5 13:00:20 1997

I am gay, 24, and I will never come out. The disppointment that it would cause my parents and family is not worth it. If I want to have a sexual relationship...I will keep it to myself. What I do behind closed doors is nobody else's business. Do straight people have to proclaim their sexuality??????????????
Sun Oct 5 15:44:19 1997

Hello gay & 24, sun oct 5 15:44:19 1997. I'm Matt, Gay & 23 aka beroccaman You may find it hard to tell your family you are gay, but if you don't you might end up losing a valuable support framework. I think that by denying them the truth, you drive a wedge between you & them, which is not fair to them or you. I went to a coming out meeting last night, as I am only new to this gay thing. I learned a lot of things about myself from talking with the group, & reading your comment makes me realise that I felt just like you only a few weeks ago. And you are right, you shouldn't have to tell your parents where you go, or who you go out with, or what you do in everything. But I have found it's nice to be able to talk to them (at least my mother) about your terrible day, or how bad you feel, without having to deceive them. Remember how hard it was for you to feel strong enough to accept that you are gay? Years for me. All the self denial & other emotions that go with struggling to realise who you really are? Well, your parents have to go through the same. It may take years, it may take only months, but if they really love you & want you to be happy then sooner or later they will accept you. It's your decision, & I don't know anything about you, but I would urge you to tell them for yours & their sakes. Don't give in. beroccaman@hotmail.com
Matt - Mon Oct 6 11:57:16 1997

Just a word of warning for gay & 24.......Being gay is so much more than just a "sex" thing. Being gay incorporates all spheres of who we are, mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. If you choose to hide your sexuality from those you love and care about you are denying them the opportunity to share in a significant portion of your life. What if you fall in love? Don't you want to share that with those important people in your life??? What about your ups and downs, your gay friends, the trials and tribulations of everyday life - who will you share those with? If your family is important enough for you to "protect" them then surely you don't want to drive a wedge between you and them by hiding who you really are? I promise you that by denying your sexuality you can only drift further away from them and yourself. Don't deny yourself a life of love and fulfillment that comes through integrating the physical and emotional......lying in the arms of the man you love more than anything in the world (and feeling as "normal" as anyone else in the world)is a truly wonderful thing. Feel free to email me if you want to talk about these issues with someone your own age who has been there done that.
clayton@odyssey.com.au - Tue Oct 7 14:08:00 1997

Gay & 24, coming out is a difficult process and each person needs to take it at their own pace. Once we are sure of ourselves then we can start exposing ourselves to others. Until then it can be very scary (in fact it is always scary) coming out to those you love and fear might reject you. I don't think anyone should be forced to come out before they are ready, unless they are actively campaigning against our rights to exist.
Panther - Tue Oct 7 19:29:17 1997

Just found this graffiti space - what a great idea! Wish I'd had this when I was going thru all the crap you go thru when coming to terms with who you are. To all those still struggling - dont despair, as it's what links us all: a common understanding & appreciation of the personal hell which we all have gone thru. It took me 30 years to come to grips with being gay but it was worth the huge effort to do so. Yes I lost all my friends in the process but I regained my family after a decade of trying to fit into the straight married world. Since coming out I have discovered the most wonderful thing - how to smile the biggest smiles of my life, because I am just so happy! No wonder they call it "gay"! And I have the biggest & sincerest bunch of friends now. It sounds corny but the coming out process is like when a caterpillar becomes an incredibly beautiful butterfly. Freedom is the most sweet, most precious thing, & this is what coming out is all about.
Free, Gay & Happy - Fri Oct 10 17:20:39 1997

Dear Free, Gay and Happy, Thats just great mate and I am so glad that you have new friends and the family are with you as well. That I would have to agree with you to be happy and yes, It can take a while to come out and extreamly difficult as well when people choose to. It is places like this that can really help those that are having trouble, and need some advice that may guide them. I would like to thank Panther for the Wall it does help, and for the people that use it can always come back to see the help that others can give..It maybe something very small to others though to someone else it could be of great help.. Yes it is the internet though a good way of getting information and you can be anonymous if you wish. Thanks again Panther Job well done... Also Thanks if I may to to all that write replies... I hope you don't mind me saying that Panther. regards Mitch
mitch@fl.net.au - Sat Oct 11 2:18:02 1997

May I preface what I say by making a statement about the whole concept of "coming out" - the existence of such a concept is a result of the dominant heterosexual power brokers in defining us as "different" and we are all programmed to believe this from birth in order to protect the priveleges of the dominant. It is so effective that even our own flesh and blood have been recruited to carry out the work. Little wonder we all express difficulty,isolation,depression,family disharmony etc etc. However when I read of those who say they will not come out it merely means you are prepared to put up with life long psychological turmoil and donate your own life so others may live there lives effortlessly - and this includes parents and relatives. This is grossly unfair and no self respecting human should expect this of another - especially a parent who, when they decide to be a parent, take on all that parenthood has to offer - i.e. the easy and the difficult. So if your parent has difficulty with the concept it really is their problem - offer to help them in any way you can but don't protect them from your reality because that is their job. If they reject you then one must ask fundamental questions about their fitness to parent.The same can be said of friends - if your "friends" were really friends they would be with you all the way - those that aren't are merely excess baggage. A lot of this sounds harsh but the central figure in this is you and your wellbeing. To be able to do this you have to have a well defined sense of self and self worth and confidence. Precisely all the things that have been systematically programmed out of you - you have to be regain it. To do otherwise can be have long reaching consequences far greater than the short term pain of rejection of those that you may presently regard as significant others. Having said all this I chose not to "come out" in the sense of making speeches and the like which I feel only enforces the ideology that we are different. What I have systematically done is to live it. I never lie about not having girlfriends, I live openly with my partner and we do everything as any couple would do - ie we do as we please - kiss, hold hands, whatever - because I refuse to let someone else tell me how I will live and love. As a gay person you are just as valuable as anyone else and I challenge anyone to logically refute this and prove otherwise. If I work and pay taxes and contribute in every other way to society I expect to be left to do as I please - this is only just. I agree it is hard and there are a lot of obstacles along the way - but you must do it to assert your rights as equal to everyone elses - to do otherwise is to diminish yourself. I should add in closing that it took me till I was 33 years old to do it - but the end result is the same - and I encourage younger people not to take as long as I did!
Wiser owl now - Thu Oct 16 18:21:38 1997

Well put, Wiser owl now.
Matt - Thu Oct 16 20:43:02 1997

what a great wall! I think it's fantastic that there are places like this where people can discuss the difficulties associated with emerging sexuality and the confusion and hardship that often goes along with it. Sexuality, particularly homosexuality is often linked solely with the act of sex. But, like what has already been acknowledged here, it's much more than the act of sex. Being gay doesn't exclude me from any feelings, thoughts or desires I may have towards another person. It doesn't make me any less worthwhile, human or intelligent. I can still participate in life equally and fairly. But it does subject me to ridicule and dislike and distrust by some people. To others, I am held in equal or higher regard because I am finally able to be honest with myself, in the face of potential humiliation and loss. Certainly, I am much more confident and at ease within myself and I can focus on other things outside of me. However, coming out isn't any easy thing and it's quite understandable why some people choose not to, others do so in the middle of marraiges and with kids. Like wise owl said, we are conditioned to believing that homosexuality is wrong and shameful. There's a strong link between suicide and sexuality that is still not being recognised by health professionals or the wider community. If you come here and you're confused about your sexuality, please talk to someone. Whether it's on the net, the phone or in person. There are lots of people who have been in similar situations and just knowing you're not alone is often a great source of support in itself. Having said all that, I think people need to be given the freedom to address and deal with their sexual identity in their own way and at their own pace. We all come from unique backgrounds, upbringings and families and what may work for one person may not work for another. I know for myself, there are some things I would do differently, given the chance, and then there are things I wouldn't change. It's been 5 years since I 'came out' to myself and then family and friends. Perhaps I might have done that sooner had I felt safe enough to confide in someone and had there been sites like this one I could access.
shaun@sunshine.net.au - Tue Oct 21 22:15:04 1997

Try the coming out group in Sydney Gay and Lesbian Couselling centre, made some great friends and they were the nicest guys!!! (love ya Ross!!!)It may have been a while ago but I have great memories
Scott Sweetwill@hotmail.com - Wed Oct 22 1:45:20 1997

Sorry that was meant to be Sweetwil@hotmail.com OOPS
Scott again!! - Wed Oct 22 1:46:38 1997

I don't think I'll be coming out... I mean, whatever people say, to me being gay is just about sex. And there's so much I want to achieve in life that could be damaged by being labelled as "gay". I have political aspirations, and the last thing I want is to be "that gay politician". Anyway I guess the "PC gay squad" will now try and convince me otherwise!!
PJ - Fri Oct 24 23:02:16 1997

PJ Do what you feel is right at the time
Sat Oct 25 1:17:28 1997

If anyone is having real probs coming to terms with their sexual orientation or would like sumone just to chat to. Please remember you are not alone. E-mail me anytime. I would luv to hear from you. dns318i@ion.com.au
Darrell - Sat Oct 25 13:22:33 1997

PJ: To many people being gay is about a lot more than sex. It is about love. It is about being true to ourselves. It is being able to live our life without having to hide. It is even about not getting bashed up for being the way we are. We haven't chosen to be gay, but just because we are why should we suffer for it. We are not damaged by being gay. We are being damaged by other people hating or fearing us because we are gay. What we are fighting for, and are still a long way from, is that being gay to be a titally accepted lifestyle. So that being gay doesn't affect our lives anymore than what colour our skin is or what religion we follow. So that we can be politicians or anything else we want to be.

Anyway, I'm sure I haven't "convinced" you. All that I ask of you or any politician is that you treat us like any other minority and support us in our quest for rights. We are still human beings and as such deserve all basic human rights.
Panther - Sat Oct 25 19:00:10 1997

Panther, I agree with you that we deserve to be treated the same as anyone else. But my thinking on the matter is is that being gay is part of who I am - it *does* *not* *define* who I am. And society, being the imperfect construct that it is, loves to sterotype and pigeonhole people basic on inconsequential facts. That I do not like, and I don't want to cop that at this point in time.
PJ - Sat Oct 25 22:27:51 1997

Told you I'd be back....

To PJ, Yes I agree that we all like to put each other into categories. It seems such a mechanical act to simply put someone into a category because of one thing about them. (ie being gay). I myself see being gay as a small part of my life, which my friends & I don't even think twice about anymore. We'd rather just go out & have fun.

However, I believe that something has to be done to help change others perceptions & stereotypes. I believe it is right for people in some sort of public position, such as yourself, to stick your necks out at some stage. You may not win, but everyone who speaks out helps just a little bit more. You might face disgrace, but you will be fighting for all of our dignity.

I do not consider myself to be a political extremist, but I do feel that the current atmosphere in politics of "say nothing or your career will be ruined" is just helping to reinforce the views of those such as Fred Nile & Co. Surely there are enough of you to join together & let the world know that Freds games have gone far enough. If a 17 year old can risk everything by declaring what he thinks in front of a crowd, surely someone more powerful can too.(referring to (name withheld by request) at the recent age of consent rally on the NSW parliament house...).

All I'm saying is that peoples lives could be improved so much by people like yourself. Kids are literally killing themselves because they are continually bombarded with "no we can't teach about homosexuality, it's wrong" or "they are too young to know what they really want" & the fear of being arrested for doing what comes natural. I know, I almost took my own life when I was 17, I thought that the feelings going through my brain were just pure evil, & that it would be easier to die.

If only people in power had the courage to reinforce in young gays that they were really beautiful human beings, instead of worrying about losing all of their trinkets, & the respect of people who are so fake you could find them acting as store dummies for DJ's as a second job. If only they had the courage of brave young *** to at least TRY to stop the pain, the agony & the endless stream of hate that comes from so few, which so few want to challenge.

On this topic, I am not at all sorry if I hurt some feelings. I passionately believe in every word I just wrote.

To all people in power who feel the way I do, find the courage. Stuff your BMW & holiday house, in the name of dignity & in the name of all the crushed human souls out there, find the courage.
MATT - Sun Oct 26 22:26:54 1997

I'm not joking, PJ
MATT - Sun Oct 26 22:31:18 1997

Thanks Matt.

PJ: Being gay is not inconsequential.

I have committed crimes because I am gay. Before it was legalised in NSW only 14 years ago I had sex with other men. That makes me a criminal. A guy who can legally have sex with a woman is a criminal if he has sex with a man. That is not inconsequential. People are bashed because others think they are gay (whether they are or not). That is not inconsequential. Teenagers kill themselves because they are gay. That is not inconsequential. Families reject their gay and lesbian children. That is not inconsequential.

Until these wrongs are righted, then your stand is morally reprehensible. Whether you choose to declare your sexuality is of no concern. But if you deny our rights then you are declaring that we are lesser people because we are gay, and thereby condemning yourself to a life of lies and double standards.
Panther - Mon Oct 27 9:09:23 1997

Panther, we'll have to agree to disagree. But first, you've misconstrued some of what I said. 1. "Being gay is inconsequential". That's *not* what I said or meant. What I referred to was that society should not base its judgements on what kind of person I am on inconsequential facts. But as we all know, it does. I don't want to be defined according to my sexuality. 2. Not all gay people are activists or will toe the "official line". Deal with it. Some of us just want to be "normal" (whatever that may mean) 3. I resent being accused of "moral rehensibility". If you go arround attacking people like that, you're no better than Fred Nile (who attacks people for not confirming to *his* norm) 4. I fully support freedom of speech and expression for *all* people. I have no special interest in gay people in particular, except that of course we should have the same rights and freedoms as everyone (which I think I said before). 5. If (say) a politician is revealed as gay, the public has an expectation that gay rights is all they will talk about. And if they talk about other stuff, they'll be pretty much ignored. That's not what I want to happen. 6. Society is not perfect and there are *many* problems - *not* just sexuality related ones. It's very narrow and shortsited to base your whole outlook around just one issues. What about other minorities who are discriminated against? What about drug problems? What about violent crimes? The homeless and hungry? There are so many things that need resolution and I'm not restricting myself to just one. Sorry about the tirade, but I don't like being wrongly accused. Thanks for listening.
PJ - Tue Oct 28 15:35:34 1997

PJ, you are right that there are few openly gay successful politicians, but until a certain doc marten wearing, blonde senator got elected there were few young women in parliament. Why should a detail like that bother you. Of course it is your decision to come out, and no one is denying your choice, but as a person in a position from which you could help others in a similar situation to yourself,don't you want to do what you can? It might be political suicide but then it might not. You said you wanted to help other minority groups rather than just our cause but what is to stop you being openly gay and helping them? Lets face it if you really want to help people you can do little from within major party lines. To make the difference you seem to want to make it means sticking your neck out. Regardless of whether it's about gay rights or the homeless you would be known as a 'cause' man. So stop being ridiculous; if you want to be in labour, liberal or the nationals accept that you will have to be one of their clones, and if you want to make a difference, stand up and be proud(it would be nice to have a honest politician)
Mon Nov 3 14:09:00 1997

Hi all who read this, comming out well what an experence that was, for me I lost my family, I lost my friends or so called friends, I had to move out of home, So much for comming out, thank god the closet door didn't lock, Yes i know that I shouldn't go back but it has broken my heart, cause server hardship. I feel safe in there now, well at least for now I do, sure one day I will return the living, but for now I think my retreat is were I am to stay, I have read through the comments tonight and feel ashamed that I went back in, though for this guy I couldn't help it, I am sadden to know also that some of the gay friends that I had didn't want to help me out, I thought at least I could get some comfort from them, though no. Maybe it is me I pick the worng people to be friends with, possible, maybe I picked the worg time to tell them I was gay, in the olden days gay meant happy, gee why don't i feel happy. Lonelness is not Happy. I went for help and got told it will be ok mate, yeah mate as if I was there best friend, things will work out for the better in the long run. So much for help. I can't even go to the clubs now, so much for finding that special somone now, thank god my colleges at work didn't find out at least I have some sort of people contact work wow. Yes one day I may just return to the world but for now and for a very long time that seems to far away to see. Thank you for this wall and thanks for allowing me to shed my boring bit with you. Best wished to those who make it and who have at least been helped along the way. I would also like to say I hope it works for you, maybe it's my family and there way of thinking. Like I said thanks for reading this if you got this far, and best wishes sincerely to thoses who make the effort and to those who try and have success in making it through. Regards AS
Sat Nov 8 1:41:26 1997

Hey, this graffiti wall is a great idea! I'm amazed to see how many people are going through the same thing as me. By now I'm pretty comfortable with myself, and with "coming out" but it is still great to read other peoples' messages. I've been pretty careful about who I've told. The first person was a friend who I knew was very accepting, she had many gay and lesbian friends and I figured one more would be no problem, she helped me realize that knowing I was attracted to women was not something that had just happened but I had never thought about it before, and it was really the pressure of other things such as school and family that were causing the problems, not my sexuality. Still, since I had opened up to myself I figured it was important for me to embrace my sexuality and I realized that if I didn't lable myself then someone else would do it and that could be potentially damaging. A couple of weeks later I managed to tell mum, her reaction was a fairly predictable "as long as you're happy" which was ok with me.I haven't got around to telling dad yet. I've now told most of my friends and I have not had a negative reaction, I've been really careful, though, trying to ascertain peoples' attitudes before I've come out to them. An important aspect of my positive experience with coming out has been the support I've received from different people and even though there has been, as far as I know, no real social group, especially for youth, in Gosford, The Womens Library in Garden St Alexandria (Sydney) is a great place for lesbians to find interesting books and wonderful people, so why don't you check it out.
Kate - Mon Nov 10 18:00:02 1997

I don't know if I am gay or if I just want to be. Sound crazy? Tell me about it. I mean, I am attracted to guys but when ever I think about boyfriends, I always feel guilty as though I am denying something. I have never fallen in love with a girl but I have wanted to be with them and I have no problem with people thinking I am gay (half my school. God knows why) but I just don't know if I am or not. I'm nearly 17 but it's really depressing and crazy not knowing what the hell I am. Weird isn't it. People talk about how they suppress their homosexuality and get married then they come-out after trying to be something else for so long. Sometimes it seems as though this is my story but the other way round. The only guys I am attracted to are the very feminine ones anyway. Long hair etc. I know none of my friends will mind if I am gay. Hell, we all pretend we are quite often just to horrify the rednecks.
Laura - Tue Nov 11 3:00:28 1997

Laura, Don't worry about who you are, what's in a name anyway? There is no rush to reach a conclusion about your sexuality. I am in a similar position (17yr old lesbian)and although i don't have the slightest desire to be with guys, ithink i understand what your saying. I wondered in the beginning if i was just me trying to rebel against my upbringing, and tried to assess everything logically. It doesn't work. As much as you try to understand the motivation for your feelings, and what they mean, they just are. Do what feels right, and if it doesn't feel right don't do it. I know that doesn't help much, does it? If you could use someone to talk to you can email me at jazz_28@hotmail.com
Jazz - Wed Nov 12 7:39:48 1997

Hi Laura and Jazz: No need to make up your mind yet. Try what is on offer and decide what bits you like and what you don't like. Don't make the wrong decision, or a decision which makes you inflexible, cause you'll have to live with it for a long time.
Panther - Wed Nov 12 8:58:59 1997

Hi Laura & Jazz, Panther is right. You shouldn't spend too much time trying to work out why or if you feel guilty about something that feels natural to you. Your both young and this is your time to enjoy your life, and discover who you are and what you like in life. What is right for one person isn't always right for the next person. Spend your time and energy exploring your hearts desires, and don't inhibit your imagination doing it. Your feelings on identity will unfold faster than you know.
Out_there@directenergy.com.au - Fri Nov 14 11:39:02 1997

Have anyone got any ideas on testing if someone was gay? If so please tell me!!!
Bob - Sun Nov 16 4:43:08 1997

Panther, I hope you realise what a great benefit this service provides to so many people. Reading the comments here has given me the final courage to come out. I'm 28 and, like someone said previously, I've decided to sort my life out before I turn 30, even if it's going to involve a bit of pain and hardship in the process. I'm sick of being lonely and feeling ashamed because of other people's unconsidered homophobic attitudes. I feel normal, and my feelings feel normal, so why should I not be who I really am? It's a big step for me, as many of my friends have made the odd anti-gay comment, although I hope they are, for the most part, just throw away lines, and that these people will have a different attitude when they have to consider the impact such comments have on real people. All the best to everyone struggling. We're all bound in this common way and I suspect there are alot people like us than we will ever know. Wish me luck and I'll let you know it turns out. Thanks again Panther...
Alex - Sun Nov 16 13:59:25 1997

It was really hard for me to talk about my sexuality to my parents. I was already having a nervous breakdown at the age of 16 because of the abuse the some supposed friends on the Net were giving me. It took me long time. I attempted suicide a few times, and basically I was feeling very bad about being 'different'. Now I have moved away from my 600-people town to Melbourne, and have many gay friends that make me feel great about knowing that I am not so different anymore. The Apple Computer 'Think Different' ad stopped a 10 year old from committing suicide. The person who told me that story should be thanked deeply. I love you Gogg. You really do deserve all the good things you get in life.
WORFiE - Mon Nov 17 20:28:23 1997

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